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This past Easter, 10 family members came to town to visit mom. She's 89 and not mobile and I'm her sole caregiver. Upon their arrival all of these people expected me to have cooked a meal for them and even expressed it when they discovered I hadn't. Even the next morning they expected breakfast for all of them. Is it realistic for them to expect this of me? I do have a full time job in addition to taking care of mom, the home and myself.

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couple of quick solutions: PIZZA or Chinese food delivery! They don't like that? tough. Also if you had a Honey Ham nearby they also cook a holiday dinner (must be pre-ordered) but suddenly having to feed 10 more people is really unrealistic.

Who did the inviting? If you did, then you should have expected they were thinking they were invited for a holiday dinner. If they said they were going to "visit" then you needed to suggest a few budget motels nearby. They would have gotten the message.

I know of a relative who when visiting her son, regards the visit as a vacation. Don't stew, speak up. If they feel close enough to come for a holiday and stay over then you are close enough to say everyone has to pitch in.

You can't be walked on unless you allow them to as Ann Landers used to say.
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My first thought was maybe the relatives remember past family holidays where you or mom had cooked fantastic meals, so they (ignorantly) assumed the same would be true on this Easter. They are out of touch for sure! The only way to get them in touch is to make it clear before they arrive, they're on their own for meals (and taxi service, as another person mentioned). In our family,.there are hardly any visits from the 4 out of state kids. But when they have visited, we usually get sandwich fixings--a variety of bread, deli meat, cheese, Cole slaw, jello, cookies, nuts, etc. All of.those are at the deli! If it's someone birthday we get a cake at bakery in same mall. Not.a big deal to put any of this out on the buffet. Everyone serve themselves. Everyone put their plate in the dishwasher. Of course after they've gone, there is always leftover cleaning for me to do. But there's also some nice leftovers for mom to eat in the following days. Once in awhile one of the sibs will chip in 10 or 20 bucks. But I would never dream of visiting them, and expecting them to feed me for a weekend. I would put myself up in hotel and buy my own meal at restaurant.
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Unbelievable how boorish and self-centered some people are.....and you had 10 of them at once! Yes, it is unrealistic and incredibly rude for them to expect you to be hostess AND full-time caregiver AND working your full-time job when they descended on you for a "visit with Mom". Or did we all miss the memo stating the universe revolves around them?
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Wow! You cooked Easter dinner but they expected you to feed them both before and after the holiday?! My family would have been the same as they believed I had the most income to spare. I have suggested to step-kids that we start a traditional where everyone cooks one of the side dishes and or dessert for a holiday. Not only the expense but the time involved is crazy. You must be a good cook if they thought you would serve them as if they were paying for a bed and breakfast. I am angry for you but all types of families expect the host to take care of everything...it is maddening!
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We have Bob Evans near by that does up really nice holiday meals. Everyone can chip in for the cost.
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I liked Jeanne's response. At this point, I may just let it go. But the next holiday, other than the holiday meal, explain that they will be on their own for the other meals. You can have the fixings in house, but they will need to feed themselves. When my relatives show up, we eat out. I rarely cook anymore and really don't enjoy it for anymore than four.
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Are you flipping kidding me???? What a bunch of crap!!! They were waaaay out of line. You'd better be clear with them before the next holiday rolls around.
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I moved my mother near me a year ago so I could help in her caregiving. She lives in a nursing home but I am there quite often and do a lot of caregiving in that aspect. I am one of 8 children and not one of them lives anywhere near me so my house has a revolving door and I am a hotel. I made it known ahead of time that I will not be their taxi cab and I will not be cooking for them. They are on their own. Sounds harsh but they have all seemed to accept it. I also have a son with special needs too so my plate is very full. You are not wrong in not cooking for them and how dare they expect you to. They should have cooked for you!!!
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No, regardless how/why they came.

If you had a few snacks around, like fruit and such, it's a nice touch, but that's more than they should expect. I think they should have paid for some meals or gone out to bring them in or driven you and Mom to the restaurant. They should definitely be doing any running around it takes to have them there.

Basically, you're stretched to begin with, with the caregiving and the fact that you work. Easter is your holiday, too. Normally, you don't get a break from taking care of Mom. To have it be a holiday and load yet extra work onto you isn't realistic or fair of them. In fact, in addition to taking care of meals, they should pitch-in and help Mom out while they're there (I know that's a dream, but I'm going for broke on this one!).
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They sound very selfish and self absorbed. When you are a caregiver, putting up large holiday meals for 10 people ---it can't be a priority. They should have stayed in a hotel and visited your mother over the holiday.
I am guessing they did not pitch in with the caregiving either. I would have assigned them tasks to complete to assist in Mom's care. They might well have run for the hills but if they came to complicate care rather than lessen it--they should just go home.

Don't feel you owe them a big holiday meal, they don't get or don't want to get what it takes for caring for your mother while being a full time employee.
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I have had disagreements with other in-town relatives about this. When out-of-town family comes to visit, one of my older sisters always hosts a luncheon to give everyone a chance to get together and give the visitors a chance to see Mom. I'm of two minds about this - it's nice to be hospitable, but I also think it sends the wrong message. People who don't do a thing for Mom all year are being treated like visiting royalty instead of being made aware of the huge amount of work being done by the in-town siblings. I wish at least one of them would volunteer to stay with Mom for a few days and take over the caregiving so the in-town siblings could get a break, or offer to take Mom for a visit to their home. It never happens. Things have changed since my mother started needing so much help, and the out-of-towners are not being made to see those changes or be part of the solution. It bothers me...what can I say...?
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Let them know you are your mother's caregiver, not theirs.
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Bookluvr- you should not be embarrassed. The rude insensitive guest should be embarrassed. To actually sit down at the table and wait for dinner to be brought out - wow!!!! What boorish behavior! That person would not be invited back into my house. If they dropped by, they'd be met out on the porch and told that this is not a good time for visitors. Very sorry......NOT!
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Wow!..Talk about family not having a clue.. I freak out even if a relative stops by unannounced.. cause the place is usually a mess !..lol and I don't even have a cheese and cracker plate to pull together on the spot..
Cant imagine trying to accommodate all of those people. Who was going to do the towel laundry? dishes etc after they left??... that would just be so much more stress for you. Plus you work. when do you get down time??? surely they enjoy theirs if they can get away from their homes for the day !!!
Out of courtesy they should have been more considerate and gotten together and figured out a way to bring food, order a catered dinner?. Im sure your food budget wasn't open for all that either. Id write a thank you for coming note but include that any future holidays. they are more than welcome but you cant handle the stress alone of trying to pull it together, its your holiday too. ( or somekind of note that would kill them with kindness and guilt.. LOL !!!
I don't have family so it was just me and Mom and my daughter .. I would have invited the ones who do exist.MY mom would have loved to see them.. but too many would be too much for her. it seems since she got ill there are only 2 that keep in touch... when they found out that my aunt left my mom her $$ they all stopped coming..(funny how THAT happen??and they only live 1 town over).... but I would have asked them all to please bring something.. its hard enough to just get moms breakfast everyday.. never rmind my own..
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Carla, although it's our custom to offer meals, most visitors will leave if I pretend not to notice it's lunch time or dinner time. If someone says they're hungry, I hesitate and go through my head on what I can offer. Most times, I would apologetically offer them something. But I usually say it with hesitation - to let them know subtly, that I don't have food to offer.

The Said visitor didn't get the hint when I ignored her question Twice on what's for dinner. She actually walked into our kitchen, sat down on the kitchen table, Waiting for me to fix her dinner. I was so embarrassed. You see, food is always last in my budget. Bills comes first, then house supplies like pampers, wipes, toiletries, etc.. The visitor saw a bunch of 3-minute Asian cup of noodle soups and said that she can eat one of that. I said quickly, "No! That is my sister's stash. Nobody touches it. That is her food." The vienna sausage belongs to sis. The only food that I bought is the Cup-o-noodles and loaf of bread. So, I offered her my soup. And she ate it, while I ate the other half of my lunch.
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bookluvr -

I'm shocked that any guest would be so rude as to ask "What's for dinner?" when the host had not offered dinner or brought up the subject. If you know someone well enough to visit them, they should also be aware of your financial limitations. When I visit someone who isn't well fixed for funds, I always take the host out for meals. Same if they visit me. It shocks me that anyone's local customs make it a "duty" to provide meals to guests. Even if it is, it's incredibly rude and insensitive for a guest to insist that the local custom be followed when the host clearly can't fulfill it without it being a hardship. Some people really have nerve!
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To jeannegibbs......when I was fresh out of high school I got my first traffic ticket. When I showed up in court I explained the positioning of the speed limit signs and how I didn't realize what it was. The judge politely informed me that ignorance is no excuse for the law.
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Let me clarify my post above, I was just wondering if the relatives just assumed if Mom had hosted all the previous Easter or other holiday get-togethers, that she would be doing the same now. Maybe they had expected this to be like the Waltons where Mom is helping out in the kitchen.
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Even if you did a nice Easter meal for the two of you, cooking and cleaning up for a party of 10 is nowhere near the same level of effort.

Now they know you can't be Martha bloody Stewart on the spot. Where I'm from, that would be the height of rudeness to presume you are just going to take care of it all by magic. I hope they learned a lesson!

I would probably be in a rage at first, but would eventually calm down enough to act nonchalant about not having a meal prepared. "Oh, I just assumed you'd stop to eat on the way over here!" See, that knife cuts two ways! :-D
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Many out-of-town relatives have unrealistic expectations when they visit. It is not necessarily that they are clueless jerks but that they really are clueless about how the world changes with caregiving.

If your relatives really are jerks, just shrug this whole experience off. If they are generally decent people with a big dose of ignorance, you might write them an email saying how lovely it was to see them and how sorry you are that caregiving has made it impossible to offer the kind of hospitality you have in the past or that generally exists in your family.

A chronic illness that requires caregiving changes things drastically. But people who have never seen the situation up close and personal don't know that they have to change their expectations.
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It doesn't matter if your mom used to host these Easter meals since she is no longer capable of doing it . Did they assume that because they are Visitors, that you should have catered to them? That is our local custom. I hate it when a visitor would ask, "what's for dinner?" Yes, I know my duty is to offer meals, but I was really hoping not to feed them. My dinner was going to be my left over lunch. She just kept asking me that question. So I offered one of my emergency ration of Cup-o-noodles.

As for my siblings, when they visit from the states, I tell them straight out that I don't cook. When bro once asked me that, I said that I don't know. Mcd has some dollar menus but I don't have money . He got the hint and got us some McD's.

Best to start strategizing if they do this again. Include a way to rope them into taking care of your mother so that you have some errands to do.
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ralphellis, just curious what you and your Mom did for Easter last year? Or the year before? Did your Mom live on her own and hosted those get-togethers?
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You had 10 family members in your house with you and your mother? They should be told to stay in a hotel and eat breakfast out on their own and brought an Easter meal to you two! That is ridiculous!

With being so deceptive in their approach to this visits makes me think it had nothing to do with the real meaning of Easter at all, but was a just a reason to descend for a surprise visit.
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Ralphellis - was your mom the type who hosted everyone and enjoyed cooking big dinners for everyone? Perhaps the relatives just didn't think and assumed things would be as they were in the past and since they don't see your mom often, they didn't have a clue. HOWEVER; they had no right, once they were there and realized no food was forthcoming - to demand anything. Out of courtesy they should have checked around for bringing food in as a treat. You are not expected to provide free meals for goodness sakes. Other than the food fiasco - did your mom have a good time seeing them? Take care
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You've got some demanding relatives! In my family, I'd have brought you and your mom a meal and also asked what we could bring in for Easter. I wouldn't worry about such selfish people - they're clearly not worried about you.
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The relatives were out of line to expect you to cook and serve them. However, I have found that people who have never experienced care-giving have no clue. In order to smooth things over, I would send them an email apologizing for the "misunderstanding". Tell them that it is just not possible for you to prepare holiday dinner for everyone, but you will offer your home and put the coffee pot on if they care to bring food in. A local grocery chain in my area prepares holiday meals which include a meat (ham or prime rib this Easter, ham or turkey for Thanksgiving and Christmas), assorted side dishes and dessert. If possible, send them a flyer. They can order in advance of their arrival, and take up a collection. When they pick up the dinner they can grab some bagels for breakfast the next day.
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Ralph, they have cheek indeed!
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Babalou, mom is housebound. Going out to dinner is not an option. My question is referring to them expecting me to have cooked upon their arrival the day BEFORE Easter. Sorry I did not make that clear. I didn't invite them, they invited themselves under the guise of visiting mom for the holiday. As for Easter itself, of course I cooked. I would have prepared mom a special meal regardless.
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How did this happen? Did you invite them for Easter? Or did they just call and say "We are coming." ? Either way, the plans needed to be discussed prior to Easter Sunday. Maybe they could have thought of a way to all bring something.

Breakfast for 10 people? Not hardly. Who did they think was paying for all of this?
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Cheeky beggars! I put my foot down about this once mother came back from rehab post-stroke and feel no shame whatever about saying bluntly that I'm not up to catering; but it's true I used to feel that I ought to have something to put in front of any guests who'd come to visit her. Hospitality is a hard instinct to shake.

But no, it is not realistic to expect someone with a full-time job - two, in fact, once we add in your caregiving commitment - to wait on you, and your relatives might have thought of that. Feel no guilt!
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