My family thinks since I have POA that all duties regarding moms care are mine. Is this true?

My mother assumed the same thing when she made me her DPOA, joint checking account holder and Executor of her will. It was her choice, I was reluctant, but agreed. Luckily she named my sister as alternate to DPOA. So far my mother can still make her own choices. When the time comes to act on her behalf, I will make the best decisions for her care without any hassles or I will just relinguish it to my sister.

Well said Palm! I appreciate the way you get to the point. Anyway, have to go. One of my uncles in Kissimmee has a foot in the grave; and I'm the last one to find out.

Good comment Eddie. I have had years of trying to get my mother to understand that when you give all power to one child and play favorites, as she always has, then if that one child kicks the bucket, then you are up the creek if you can't appoint someone else. Then the remaining child has to seek guardianship (at some considerable expense and trouble) if you don't have an alternate appointed.

Never put all your eggs in one basket. Amen to that.

Nonsense. In my experience, relatives take that position when they can't have access to the parent's assets (e.g., bank accounts) or when they don't want to bother with caregiving. Sounds like you're "cutting into their flow" and, as POA, become someone to dump on.

I suggest keeping the door open to them for the sake of keeping some form of peace and your Mom's mental stability. In the meantime, carve out some time out of your hectic schedule to develop a support network that doesn't include them. When it comes to caregiving, putting all your eggs in one basket is never a good idea; doesn't matter how close your kin is.

Yep POA has nothing to do with having a heart just another excuse for them to pass the buck to you. My sister lives abroad and thinks she should have POA well she can have it as soon as she gives up her job and 10wks holiday a year and is happy to clean up pooh and urine all day long have ficious rows get depressed,stressed etc........ no problem.

Raven, my situation is a complete 180 from yours. I am the caregiver, sis with POA rarely steps in to assist with mom. Yet,she is the one that has taken money from mom and stopped moms access to her own money. Additionally, sis also filed a report with APS charging me with financial exploitation. For nearly two years I have asked sis to setup meeting with moms Attorney to sort through numerous issues. All of these requests fell on deaf ears, so off to court we go. It is a shame we didn't get third party assistance when this care responsibility began! I will be interested in hearing about the geriatric care meeting.

gladimhere: In my case I was given POA over Finances and Healthcare by my mother. If my siblings will not step up and do anything and have left it all for me to do because it is easier for them and because one of them is angry that it was given to me in the first place, why should they have questions later. You are correct in your statement, but it just ticks me off that they basically get away with not helping and the second you spend money they want to know what you are "blowing it on." They make a daily salary, I haven't make one cent in the past 7 years I have cared for Mom, my labor has been free.

One of my siblings...the angry one, has gone so far as to file a false claim against me with APS stating I beat her, not my mother, but her personally. Nothing that she stated was true and she signed the papers and the Social worker came to our house to interview me to see if the Attorney should file charges against me. She forget that my 16 yo niece was sitting just feet away from us and was a witness to the fact that it never happened. It was completely false!

Everything that I do for my mother, I make sure I dot every "i" and cross every "t" because although she does not really want the Healthcare POA she did want the Financial POA because she had been helping herself to my mother's money and when I took over, the gravy train stopped,

I am more than willing to work with my siblings on every level, one sibling is okay with everything and trusts me, the other one will cause a problem no matter what. Her own family has distanced themselves from her because she is so difficult to deal with.

I thought a geriatric care manager dealt with health issues and treatment for the patient. I did not know they work to gain cooperation and collaboration between the family members. We are actually meeting with one next Monday. I hope they focus for now on finding a medication that will work for Mom because we need peace and sleep.

Your statement is totally correct, I do not disagree with you.

Impartial third parties to oversee are always a good idea. Have you thought about a geriatric care manager? They often meet with families to try to gain cooperation and collaboration. You cannot and should not do it all it will only raise questions later.

I need advice, I am very worried about making some sort of mistake.
Mom will be going home from assisted living at the end of the month, she hired two caregivers, one is 250 a day and the other is 200. They will be private contractors, is there anything thing I need to do besides issue them there checks and besides giving them a 1099 at the end of the year,, please any advice would be Greatly appreciated!

Mr Ralph Robbins: As POA for my mother, how do I go about establishing a contract for my mother, with me to provide her with caregiving services? I care for her 24/7 and feel that I should be reimbursed after 7 years of zero pay and siblings unwilling to help. I would be willing to pay the siblings as well for the time they spend caring for Mom too if they would only do it. How would I establish that? Are their specific forms or do I need to see an attorney?

Welcome to my world! I too have the same exact problem you have. I am not the oldest child but because I have been home and caring for my mother for years and prior to that my father, when I was given Health and Financial DPOA ....EVERYTHING BECAME MY RESPONSIBILITY in the eyes of my siblings. It is childlike in a way that is seems to be looked at as though..."Well Mom likes you best so you take care of it all!" Their rationale is also, "Whew we dodged a bullet there, now we don't have to do anything!" However if there is any inheritance there to be gained by any of them.....if you tell them you are spending it.....they will be Johnny on the Spot to check out just what it is you are "Blowing all Mom's money on!!"

I am disabled myself so my daughter and I moved in with Mom about 15 years ago due to my illness. During this time I have had to care for 4 relatives with zero pay...because it was family and hey "she's at home anyway" attitude. For my parents I didn't mind because they took care of me when I was ill.

When I began to get ticked was when I realized I was working with a woman with dementia/Alzherimer's who was abusing me daily and my cries for help were falling on deaf ears. I was caring for her with no pay to try and save what small inheritance there was to be split between all of us and yet these people I was trying to save money for, basically did not give a damn about me, my health, lack of sleep, being locked in this house daily and being unable to leave Mom alone to even run to the store or go to my doctor appointments. So I have to ask myself why am I so stupid, to keep doing this for their benefit (as well as mine) when they could care less if I drop over dead? Their only concern would be, "Oh crap who is going to watch Mom now?"

With recent changes in Mom's health and the urging of one of her doctors I have mentioned putting Mom in a nursing home, which is where one sibling wanted her years ago. Now that I am saying it, said sibling sees her inheritance flying out the window and wants to know just why that has to be done. Yet she was left alone with Mom for one hour so I could go buy groceries two weeks ago and she was crying having a nervous breakdown by the time I got home, telling me how horrible Mom had been to HER all day long!!! Hmmm, All Day Long??? I was gone for 65 minutes....my how times flies when you are the person in charge!

My mother is not medicated because every medication they have tried on her makes her about 50 times worse. We do have an appointment with a physician/geriatrician so hopefully he can help us. This is not an easy job and I feel like I am losing my mind with what I am dealing with. I have a vision of her picking up a knife and stabbing me one day in one of her fits of anger and after yesterday I removed all knives from the kitchen!

Anyway, we are not responsible LEGALLY to take care of EVERYTHING, but I think we do because NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO, EVEN IF THEY ARE SPECIFICALLY ASKED TO...THERE IS ALWAYS AN EXCUSE.

I do like what Ralph Robbins said above about establishing a contract with Mom to provide care taking services. I would be willing to pay my siblings for help as well, I even offered money to the kids to help and as of yet there are exactly ZERO takers!

I am constantly amazed by what I see, hear and experience with family and others anymore. They have become a dismal let down!

Just a thought. In many families, one child is POA, one is alternate, then another may be Healthcare Proxy/POA. And in the best circumstances information is shared between siblings and openness is the norm. But in far too many this is not the norm.

My brother has POA, Healthcare power of attorney, he is executor of mom's will, on her checks and basically calls all shots. He is an arrogant jerk as well. When she becomes ill or incapacitated in any way, he will call me to do the dirty work. I am sorry but I have been lied about, left out and treated as if I were a dunderhead. So don't call.

Maybe you should talk to your siblings about their behavior and what is exactly behind their lack of involvement. There may be more than meets the eye. Maybe they feel left out as I do with my brother and mother. Kindness goes along way in smoothing over hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

And if it is a situation where only one child can be trusted with such a burden, well, I am sorry that is the case.

Elliebabe, You have my sympathy. When I was caring for my father, my brother handled finances and my sister handled respite and suicide threats. That was enough so that I could survive the experience.

Just one thought, not intended as criticism. All of us, including me, expect others to read our minds. We expect people to see what needs to be done, and to offer to do it. Our families can't read our minds. Have you tried asking each relative to do a specific task for your mother? To call once a week? To renew her Handicap parking placard? If they have made it clear that they have no desire to help, or if I misunderstand the situation, please ignore my comments. But if they are generally decent folk, let them know that you are feeling burdened, and ask for an offer or request a favor from each one.

PLEASE don't be surprised and angry if they decline, but try again in a few months after guilt has had a chance to soften their hearts. If you can be tactful in your requests, I hope you can get some help, which you deserve.

I disagree with the expert, unless the person with MPOA is someone different.

My Mom has gone through 4 agencies, I am trying to go private, there is one lady who's Father is a Pastor of a church who understands my Mom. I am in charge of my Mother's Trust so I am not too worried about someone stealing her finances. Yeah it would help to find someone to do the billing. Do you know that today, I can't remember anything, it's like my memory is gone. So strange,,,

Elliebabe, if your mom has some money, hire a Geriatric Care Manager to handle all of the medical stuff. Consider getting a CPA to handle her bills. Are you looking for a caregiver outside of an agency? Is that what you mean by getting software to handle billing? It might be easier to get an agency one that is bonded and hopefully trained. Or hire someone to do that billing. None of this help is cheap, but it's worth your sanity - you have TOO MUCH on your plate!!

I am not caregiver, but I have to tell you something, your sister is a biotch! I am so sorry... I just do everything from my home because I live in Seattle and my Mom is California... but today is my first day off from work in 7 days. I have to make many phone calls today. My Mom decided she is leaving assisted living, which I am very leary about, but the doctors said we really cannot stop her. She goes from Normal to very very not normal.. I am going to have to reverse everything get her a hospital bed, get her cable put back, set up her care, figure out how to do billing,,, (anyone know) I have to get a computer program to do this. I did hire a caregiver on top of the assisted living, she calls me almost everynight and daily too, (while I am on breaks or lunch, I also do calls on my lunch hour. I am a cake decorator in a grocery store and gone 11 hours a day, I my job is stressful, I have two kids and one is 8 years old. I have to handle all her bills, her taxes, anything regarding her, I am stressed..... I am very worried because she is going home private care.

I know how you feel. I am POA with my twin sister. I live in the same town as my mother. My twin sister lives 1500 miles away. I was POA for both parents until my father passed away. I was double teamed, as I use to say. My sister couldn't be bothered to help, unless she got called because I couldn't be re ached. It happened once!
I got really mad at her, but realized that we can't change our family. So, I told her how I felt, and she got mad and said I signed up for this, not her. I gave her no choice, but to take over the finance part for the parents. Now I am not as overwhelmed as I use to be. I am still mad, but that is to be expected.

Just remember, that you are awesome for what you are doing!! You know that you are an incredible person for being a POA and Caregiver. Don't let you family take that feeling away from you. BUT, talk to them and let them know you need help.

Good Luck and bless you!!!!!

Your family is wrong, Elliebabe. Print out the expert's answer and see that they all get a copy.

Decide what you want to/can do over and above your POA duties. Tell your family what that is. Pay for other services out of your mother's income or assets.

Elliebabe, join the crowd. This site is littered with us caregivers who do it all with siblings who can't be bothered. I'm POA and my brother is retired, married with no kids. He can't even be bothered to call mom once a week so I can have a day free of caregiver duties. He forgets it regularly. I told him I can't trust him to do anything for her anymore. So you're not alone. I have given up on expecting my brother to do anything - it was only frustrating me more expecting anything of him.

There are literally at least a hundred threads on here on this same topic. We're all in the same boat. The only good thing is there is an equal number of siblings where one is doing all of the work and the others are there to criticize and complain about everything they do. So I'm at least grateful that my brother doesn't second guess what I do for our mom. That's my silver lining.

I forgot to say most of us live in Seattle. I am very tired and feel overwhelmed.

Well I live in Seattle and my Mom in Ca, I have a full time job and I am gone 11 hours a day. My days off are busy take caring of her needs, but I do it from here. I spend lots of time on the phone working with her caregivers, I write all her checks, make all her decisions, it's not simple, I do something for her each and everyday. Days off are spent making 3-4 calls a day. My sister recently said, through gossip that I should fly down there once a month on my days off. I have a small child. I can barely handle what I am doing now. I actually made a God box, where I put my problems on a piece of paper and then drop them in the box and then let go, My burden has been so heavy because my Mom goes from being normal to hallucinations, it is from her UTI's. My brother who is a psychologist and deals with the elderly doesn't ask much about her, his kids don't call her. I just don't understand, I am sad, I wonder why they don't fly down to see her, is it just my responsibility? That is what I mean,,,,,, thank you very much!

A Power of Attorney permits you to handle financial and contractual matters. If you are also Health Care Surrogate you are permitted to also receive healthcare information and make healthcare decisions.
You are not obligated to do anything else. Visiting, scheduling and taking her to appointments, and any other services you may provide are not part of the agreement.
If funds are available, you may want to consider taking payment for services being provided "above and beyond love and affection".
As POA you can establish a contract for mom with you to provide care taking services.
Once the sibs catch wind of this they may change their minds about pitching in.
It is a shame they won't help otherwise.

My husband is POA for his mother. She did not want her other son on it. My husband does everything for his mother. His brother lives 40 minutes away and does not even visit her. My husband asks his brother to help, and it constantly falls on deaf ears. I was a POA for my parents, but what that entailed was dealing with decisions which concerned their the legal aspects of their lives, and I was able to sign for them when needed, i.e. tax returns, checks, etc. There is a lot of anger that my husband has toward his brother. I have tried to listen, but that's all I can do. When people pass, the guilt the children have for not doing or caring for their loved ones will be huge.

Good luck, and try to get a little outside help, even if you have to pay, if you can afford it. Take care of yourself. Remember is something happens to you-stress, illness-you come first.

Loha19

Is it possible that your mom chose you as POA because she thought others would be helping more because of their proximity? Maybe explain to them that you are taking care of the bills and scheduling appointments and that they should be responsible for taking her to the appointments and visiting more frequently. Good luck

Time to share the burden. Be very open about anything you sign as POA, send them copies. If you have email, simply summarize your visit every time you go and send to all. You don't say where they all live, but you should keep them informed about her medical visits, her mental health and try to get them to be a health care proxy or an alternate POA in case YOU drop dead.

Let your siblings know how you feel. Being POA doesn't give you free reign of her finances, if that's what their agraid of, that's what the will is for. Also explain to your Mom the position she has put you in and it may be better to have someone else as POA..