I apologize for asking this on Christmas Eve but I'm about at the end of my rope. This makes the second time I have picked my dad up on a day pass. The first time he picked an argument with me and today he has done the same thing twice. He just glares at me like he hates me. I hated to tell him no when he asked if I would come get him for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. The last time I picked him up was as also on a Sunday and I brought him home to help him get ready for church. He made a speech at church like he was uncared for and like no one visits him at the nursing home. Today I saw him talking to some other church members and I feel sure he was making it sound like he has no one. He can not get around good so I have load up the wheelchair etc and this is hard on me. Once again sorry for posting today but needed to vent..
You deserve to be able to enjoy the holidays without dads negativity, so if that means leaving him at the facility, then so be it.
And if he agrees to try to be nicer and later starts in with his negativity, just pack his things back up and bring him back to his facility, as you need to set some healthy boundaries. Perhaps he'll eventually get the picture if you stick to your guns.
Best wishes and Merry Christmas!
I told him today that I would not tolerate him talking to me like a dog and as he always does, he turned it back on me by trying to say I talk to him wrong. The holidays are supposed to be happy. If he does this tomorrow, I will tell him that I'm taking him back. I'm not getting any younger myself ( 54) and I want to enjoy every moment.
Life is way to short to have to put up with anyone(parent or not)that negative.
Hopefully he can decide what to do & where to show his anger.
Your direct instructions to not talk to you with that rudeness is great.
It's the 1st warning.
Next add consequences. You will leave any visit to him or his outing is finished early. Maybe you could give a 2nd warning (a last chace) or just pack up as Funkygrandma said.
The key is following through on your warning. Very important.
HIS attitude will shape whether HE gets outings or not.
May the next outing be more pleasant. ✨️🎄
I am uncertain, given all the woes this man has for you, why you would attempt to spend this time with him.
But I support your choices, as an adult.
I must assume when you have had enough you will step enabling his bad behavior by letting it rule your life and reactions.
I am hoping you have a happy holiday, Faithful. I have good feeling about your deciding for yourself whether to include your Dad in your holiday joy. You have waited for a long time for your dad to be "someone else". It looks like that won't happen. He's the same guy you already know so well.
I guess I'm just trying to be a "good daughter but it does seem to work. Merry Christmas !
You deserve peace too. Celebrate with him there instead of taking him out with you.
If he is in a NH, it might just well be his last Christmas. Try to remember that. I know for me I hope the status quo of having both my 95 yo mother and father around next Christmas changes. They are in a NH together right now. Very stressful dealing with it all.
If this years festivities turn out really miserable, leave him in the NH next Christmas and set aside a a day to celebrate with him there. Like I said who knows if you will still be at this in a year.
Hope you have a Merry Christmas despite this.
I'm one for saying do what makes you comfortable. There is no need to bring up or even remind a parent that if they don't treat you with respect, you won't be picking them up. All they will do is try to twist it around on you.
Bring some peace in your life and stop catering to someone whose brain is broken and they will not remember what you said anyway.
Wishing you and your family a very peaceful holiday.
When you really see how common all these things are, it could help you to work out how to handle it (and save your sanity). Your father is nothing special in bad behavior!
Merry Christmas Eve FB! 😍
If he is nasty when you visit him, Leave, tell him why you are leaving and what your NEW boundaries are, what you will accept and what you won't, if he crosses them, that becomes his problem not yours.
Stand up for yourself, only you can stop the verbal abuse, the ball is in your court.
If you weren't doing it, maybe he'd ask them. If you weren't always filling in the gaps in his life, he might adjust to life in the NH and join in more.
It's sad for me to know you feel that you have to scramble around making him happy. I feel no sympathy for him! I'd leave him in the NH to "stew in his own juice," as my grandmother used to say.
I'm sorry for what you're going through and hope you will back off and let things be. You matter too.
I would have a nice sit down with him after the holiday and tell him what he does to you is abuse and he has done it to u and Mom since you can remember. You have tried to be a "good" daughter but seems its not being appreciated because he treats you like a dog and your not putting up with it anymore. You are taking a vacation from him. He is safe where he is. He has 3 meals a day and staff to help him. Activities to join into. Its all up to him. He can continue to be a miserable negative man and die lonely or appreciate what he has and a daughter who is willing to help his miserable a**.
Take that small meal to him and tell him you will not be picking him up. You are going to spend a quiet Christmas at home. You do not need his negativity and abuse on Christ's birthday. Say Merry Christmas and walk out. He needs to learn, even at this age, that he can't treat people the way he does. Your first post was in August. I think u have done enough. My Dad was a Curmudgeon but he knew the word Thank you.
It is you who has to change, he will not, he is an abuser of women, he feels that they are his servants and he can treat them anyway he wants to.
That has to stop and you are the one who has to stand up to him.
He has everything he needs, stop condescending to him, no reason to bring him food he has plenty where he is living.
That's not the hand you've been dealt.
Your father has been abusive to his womenfolk your whole life. No behavior change of YOURS is going to alter that reality.
It would be lovely if the church folk saw your dad for who and what he is (and maybe some do) but their opinion isn't worth a hill of beans, is it?
Whose opinion and respect means something to you?
Yours? God's? Your friends'?
Every time you get upset or hurt, remember what I said and LAUGH.
For me, it was no more Christmases when I had to pick up, cook, and host. From then on, it was visiting only. Again, you choose when to stop.
It is possible that taking him out of his "element", the place where he is comfortable he gets stressed.
So your holiday with dad is celebrated when you chose to.
If you want to celebrate the day of. you go a bit early and have a VISIT. Just make it like any other day.
Adding a lot of other people is just more confusing. It is a lot to process and if a person with dementia is trying to "cover up" or "showtime" the more people, the more time that they have to "act" results in more stress and that leads to anger, outbursts, and sometimes violence. (not intended but out of frustration)
If you want to celebrate the day before or the day after that is fine as well.
One of the things that hit me when I was caring for my Husband is that there are NO holidays anymore. A day, is a day, is a day. I got up at the same time did the same routine day after day after day. He had no clue that it was a "different" day.
So bottom line is there is no more "normal" give up the notion of the Hallmark Holiday and the Hallmark Family
My mom was an easy person. We had a decent relationship. Once she needed nursing home level care (vascular Dementia, broken hip repair, incontinent), I NEVER took her out of the NH without medical transport and a hired aide, and then only for medical appointments.
You do not "owe" your father entertainment and outings. I used to wheel mom around the NH grounds in good weather, around the various wings of the home in the winter, read to her and caught her up on family and neighborhood news. I brought her a sweet (usually chocolate) treat and good coffee.
That was the norm for visits from my brothers, sisters in law and me.
You have expectations that are unrealistic, for dad, you and his circumstances.
It is definitely too much for me. Loading up the wheelchair is a chore because it is heavy. He seems to have gotten to the point where he thinks he is the child and I'm supposed to be his parent. I will continue to stick to doing what is best for me because I have a daughter that needs me.
I hope the day went OK for you. I know how hard you are working at pulling back a bit. Keep it up. It will slowly become the norm for both of you.
You are right, it is impossible to do it all and it is overwhelming. My day was great. I'm so glad I made myself a priority.
You need to worry about you. I have had to lift those wheelchairs at the age of 62. I had no problem if it was a van or SUV but the day a little old lady came alone and brought her little car, I said no more. I had a time getting that chair lifted into the trunk. At 5ft I had no leverage. You don't want to hurt yourself for a man who has no empathy. If he doesn't like it, oh well. I would do as little as possible for this man. May be nothing at all. He is safe and cared for. Your life trumps his.
Did you get to that movie and have a nice quiet day.?
Yes, I did have a nice quiet day by seeing a movie and I'm going to make sure I have more of those! I'm also short which is why I have a hard time lifting.
Perhaps say that you are going away for a holiday or a visit, ignore the medical meltdown, and see what he’s like when you next go in after a couple of weeks. Unfortunately you find that your phone won't work where you go. He will get quite OK care when you are gone. Even if you don’t ‘go away’ it will be a break for you, and a useful experiment with him. At the worst, something a bit meatier to complaint about to his mates at Church - if he ever goes again.
Worth a try? Love, Margaret
I use to go daily but I was wearing myself out. Now I take more time for myself because I have put myself on the back burner for many, many years. I hate that it has taken me so long to realize that I deserve a break.
My father in law had my husband taking him out for haircuts , which we stopped and told him he had to get his haircut at his facility .
I don’t know why you would take this man out at all .
But even if he was decent to you , it’s too difficult and you don’t have to do it .
We tell my father in law that he has to be near his own large handicapped bathroom with chair arms on the toilet . Occasionally we take him out to the diner nearby quick and then right back to his room again. No all day outings . But there are two of us to lift the wheelchair in the trunk of the car .
You don’t have to do this and risk hurting yourself .
The facility transports FIL to doctor appts and back again , my husband meets him there.