My husband doesn't think his father should be involved in any of the household finances. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Thank you for your support, Llamalover.

Sendhelp: Another spot on accurate post! I like it a lot!

It does not seem to me the need is so great for Fil's care that you would be forced to make this sacrifice. There is family in California.
I would worry most about the safety of the children.

Thanks for understanding the concept, Barb.
Actually, that idea came from my doctor, over 30 years ago. Taking action, following through, works. It is not intended as a lifestyle, but instead, a wake-up call for the husband. It may take only one -three times before they "get it".
Shocking, isn't it? This method must be some form of behavior modification
and normally, I wouldn't like to do that with my husband. I prefer an open, honest relationship. In dysfunction, unreasonable behavior requires shocking corrections. If your hubs is not listening.......

If I understand Send correctly, she is saying that you should stop contributing to the family " pot" and see how hubs reacts.

If he complains, your response is "well, your dad doesn't contribute, why should I?"

Not my way of doing things, but an interesting tactic.

You both work, and must pay for school and childcare. It doesn't seem like there is a whole lot of extra money to go around?
At first, I thought, quit your job, but then you will be trapped, as his caregiver.

To lighten your burden, you take just you and the kids out to dinner once a week. At this adjustment phase, instead of you working more, cutting back on your expenses, tightening the budget, cooking for Fil too, you could be spending as freely as your Fil is allowed. Hubs attitude will be awakened to a reality call, share the wealth, share the expenses. Maybe go gambling with Fil once or twice, lol. This could cure the hubs attitude of there is enough to go around, (you are working!). It could be viewed as a slap in the face, your hubs disregarding you.

Not sure many will understand this concept, and I am sure that I am not explaining it well. When the marriage is this unbalanced, you need to be the wise financial equalizer. What is good for the goose, is good for the gander, sort of. Do you think hubs will enjoy spending that once a week with his Dad, cooking for him, or having to go out? How about twice a week, plus a night out with the girls (for you, not hubs). Hubs stays home with Dad AND kids. Remember, there is enough money to go around, so much so, that his Dad doesn't have to pay....

However, reality in a dysfunctionl relationship between hubs and his Dad may look more like this: Hubs controls all the money, pays all the bills.
And Dad, being the free spender, gambler-type that he is, slips hubs irregular and generous amounts of cash (shhhhsh, don't tell) behind your back, unaccounted for. He may do this with your kids too, it is part of control.

So simply STOP contributing your income to the mix. imo.

A person who believes that "lasers are being shot into his head" should not be handling ANY bank accounts. Good grief.

What everyone else here said......If you go ahead with this mad plan to take him in, you darn well better insist he pay something. YOU WILL NEED IT in the future, I guarantee, before you get him into A/L or a nursing home. And anyone who thinks laser beams are shooting through their heads should not be driving. .....p.s. your kids deserve better. Stand up for yourself and for them. Your husband is full of it.

Stand your ground. Whether you need his money or not, it is only right that he pay "rent" and otherwise contribute to the household. If you don't need it, just save it for a rainy day. If the day comes where he has to go into a facility and doesn't have enough money, use it for that. If he never needs it, then donate to a good charity. But he must contribute. Consider he is a tenant and you are the landlord. He has to have rules to abide by.

MY Dad had very similar symptoms.   It turned out that once the doctors did a cat scan on his head...he had hydrocephalus.   It had been going on for so long that the dmamage was permenant and ongoing.    It was the probably source of his dementia. 

Had you FIL checked out

As far as hubby goes....ask hubby to quit his job to take care of Dad...for free.  Then ask hubby why it is ok to add to the burden you carry..for free...but not a burden he will carry alone (since he is deciding alone).     

First off, Big mistake moving FIL into your home, before you and your husband had an honest and open conversation about what you will and won't put up with in regards to him paying his own way, what you are willing to do as his health Does decline, and how much involvement you will be responsible for,  as he ages and declines, because the do decline!

  Also, having a good understanding of how much money he has to work With each month, and how much he has behind him in savings and investments, plus making sure your husband,  or you both are his financial and health care POA.  Your husband should also be on his checking accounts, should anything happen that he needs him to manage his money, and pay his bills, in the event that he become ill, hospitalized or incapacitated.

Having him evaluated by his Dr is a good idea, to get a handle on his delusions, is anot absolute must!  He could have a massive brain tumor,  or a simple UTI, as many have suggested! 

I have had my own FIL living with us for the past 13 + years, and believe me, it has become a nightmare, and we do not have small children at home!

My FIL was completely independent, when he first came to live with us, but now, he is Completely dependant, and we are unable to even leave our home for more than a couple of hours, let alone have any real quality of life, or a vacation now and then! 

Thankfully, we are finally on the road to getting him placed into Assisted living, Thank God!  June 1st is our target date, and then we are selling our home, buying a Condo, traveling, and starting to enjoy our kids, Grandkids and our own retirement. It's finally going to be our time!  

You absolutely must assert yourself in what you think is right, and that includes him paying his share of costs, because if he can gamble, then he can pay a little towards his living expenses, and should! He eats, enjoys a roof over his head, water, lights, utilities, telephone,  cable and internet? Nobody lives for free! 

He should be able to enjoy outside pursuits, friends and gambling included, but he must be safe to drive, and the responsibility is on your husband, to make sure he's safe!

Having a parent live in your home is very confining, especially when you still have kids at home, and your kids are still little and rhe you need 100% of your attention!

Why ever did you agree to such an arrangement?  You guys are Way to young to be saddled with an elderly parent!  Your first responsibility is to your young children, and giving them a fun and we'll rounded upbringing, and you can't do that,  when you have a parent living in your home.  

Not to say you can't include them in your lives, or if you are one of the lucky ones, who have a have a MIL apartment, bungalow or completely separate living space on your property!  But having a parent actually in your living space is very intrusive!  To be absolutely forthcoming,  my husband and my relationship and Sex Life Suffered, when my FIL moved in with us, and we were in our 40's!  Don't cut yourselves short on fully enjoying your lives with your own little family, if not now, then in the near future!  

Baring any health conditions, he seems perfectly capable of living in a Senior Apartment, where he can be around others of simular age and ideals!  There are subsidized Senior Apartments out there, that   base their rent on their total monthly income,  it might be just the ticket! You have your hands full, raising your kids, working full time, your marriage, and looking towards building towards your retirement and your own future!  It might just be, that his "delusions", we're nothing more than loneliness,  but you are not responsible for being his entertainment committee,  and that was our first mistake! 

It's time for a nice long and serious chat with hubby, and then a 3-way chat with your FIL, Now, before things get more set in place, and he becomes comfortable treating you like the help!

Good luck, share this forum and all the answers to your question with your hubby, and please come back, and let us know how things go!

I agree with all about why FIL should be paying for things, but, the part about FIL having delusions that he's being hit with lasers, really got me. I would not dismiss something like that. He really needs proper medical diagnosis and treatment, especially in light of there being two small children in your home. Plus, FIL is driving! Major red flags. When people have delusions, they believe all kinds of things. We have a family friend who due to a delusion, ran into the street, fell and fractured his hip. He went downhill and never recovered. They can harm themselves and others because they are in fear from the delusion. I would not leave the children unsupervised with him until it's sorted out.

No, see, I think thecare of a father should be done by the son. During the day why he is working is one thng but middle of the night thats husbands . Unless its my husband, I would not bathe or toilet another man.

At least insist that your hubby takes dad in for a good physical--explain that you really need to know what his medical needs are and could be coming down the line; what meds he is on (these should be evaluated for overlaps and side effects), etc. That would answer the UTI question as well.

Jackie, I agree with all of the above posters. First, if you charge him rent, utilities, etc. you can keep that money in a separate account; you don't need to go spend it now. If FIL ends up needing more care or special equipment, then you have a little fund there that's been protected. Also some older people end up being really destructive with spills, pee accidents, being rough with stuff they can't remember how to use, etc. You might end up having to replace carpet and do repairs and you will be glad you have his contribution then.

Second if your FIL needs to apply for assistance of any sort, the fact that he's not paying rent can work against him. A social worker looking at his income and expenses will not see his true costs of living because a good chunk of it is being absorbed by you guys.

Every family is different with money. My mom's side of the family never discussed money for better or worse, and I completely understand how your husband feels. But the reality is that you guys might be able to do a better job of protecting both your family and your FIL if he pays at least part of his share.

Also I agree with you and the others about it maybe not being a great idea for him to be driving, and the whole laser thing is bonkers. Good luck with this. You might want to price some local assisted living facilities, "just in case."

If your FIL can afford a new SUV and gamble, he can probably afford an assisted living facility. Check out those nearby so you can visit often and take him for a visit there before making a decision so he can see the lifestyle that is offered. Most of these residences are well structured with excellent meals, capable staff, opportunities to meet others in his same situation and many activities (you think Bingo might satisfy his gambling need?) but can be expensive. It sounds like your FIL may be able to afford it.

When my FIL was at the end of his life, my hubby decided that dad would come live with us and "we" meaning "I" could take care of him.
Wow--I'm sure smoke came out of my ears. We still had two kids at home, I worked PT and both kids were giving me typical teenage drama. Hubby said "family takes care of family" so I responded, "then my mom can move in with us??" He looked at it from my POV and backed down. Also, both daughters said they would move out if Gpa moved in.
Realistically, there was so much backstory, drama, guilt, etc over my hubby's relationship with his dad--and I wasn't going to get sucked in.
And I wasn't going to just take care of dad for nothing (well, I ended up doing just that--but on my terms)....mother lives with my brother, but she does pay for the cable bill and half the electric. She also has helped out a little in the past. She needs to feel somewhat independent--I do not like my kids paying for stuff for me--maybe in a few years, I'll learn how to do it gracefully, but right now, I am offended if they pay for stuff or refuse reimbursement for things they've bought on my behalf.
Your hubby is not listening to you and his dad sounds like a bit of a menace--driving, gambling--and having delusions? With two small kids in the home? This is a recipe for disaster. Grandpa needs assisted living or some other kind of living arrangement. This dynamic could easily destroy your family. You and the kids should come first. Good luck.

Jackie - your battle is really with your husband, who is being unreasonable and short-sighted about his father, his wife, and your children. Your husband should be making sure that you and your children are safe. That is his first and foremost responsibility as a man, father, and husband. And he is shirking those responsibilities. Your husband is forcing you to live with a person who "sees, hears and feels lasers" and has taken away your power over the situation in your own home. And that is troubling.

You do have more power than you may feel you do. First, proceed to the DMV and report your father-in-law as a potentially dangerous driver. You can do so anonymously. Usually what happens is the DMV will send the driver a letter requesting he reports for testing. If the DMV determines that he cannot drive, they will revoke his license. If they don't, it's not on you. You will want to keep all that documentation in the event something does happen while he's driving.

Marriage can be challenging. Your children and their safety must come first. You have every right to insist that your husband step up regarding his father including making and taking him to doctor's appointments so that he can be evaluated.

Be encouraging with your husband but do be firm. Do not let him dismiss you and your very valid concerns. You can be assertive without being aggressive; however, be aware that emotions will run high especially on the part of your husband whose father we are talking about. Your husband likely wants to crawl up in a ball and disappear his problems with his father.

Help your husband figure out what is best for his dad. At the same time, let your husband know what your healthy boundaries are and will be going forward. For example, let your husband know that you will not change his father's diapers or clean up accidents. Figure out what you are willing to do to help your husband.

The key to getting through this very difficult period in your marriage is communication. Communication must be clear, consistent, and constant. If your husband refuses, you've got bigger problems but it's best to know what you are dealing with sooner rather than later.

So sorry this is happening. Know that you have support on this forum.

Totally unacceptable for you to be working to support your FIL. Tell hubby you will either cut your hours to the extent that FIL should be contributing or set the same amount aside rather than contributing to household expenses yourself. FIL I assume was paying his way before he moved in with you. If hubby is unreasonable about this consider it a warning sign of things to come. Guess who will be getting up at 2 am when FIL shits all over the bathroom floor.

I would hope that ur husband had ur FIL evaluated before the move in. A UTI is more serious ib men than women and can kill. He may be in early stages od Dementia or Alzhemiers. In the early stages there r meds that can help with the progression. What do you mean by meager? A payment on a new SUV can be high. Most of Moms money went to the upkeep of her home we were trying to sell. I used her small pension for her personal needs which included buying her the homemade soups she liked from our local diners. In my family, I find the men allow the women to deal with all the stuff. Maybe a good approach would be to tell ur husband nicely u need to talk. See if u can get someone to watch the kids and when FIL is out of the house. Explain to him that by taking his Dad in his has also taken on the responsibility for his fathers care. He needs to sit down with his Dad and discuss his debts. Car payment, credit cards, etc. Make sure payments are being made. He should be the contact for all ur FILs bills to be notified if these payments are not being made. When all is said and done, you will then know where FIL stands financially. If his debts are large, its more important to have them spent down. You may need Medicaid one day and they do a five year look back. Better to know everything about Dads finances now than later. Once you know that, then u can determain what he can afford. If your husband still doesn't want to charge Dad then let it go. Its not worth ur marriage over. I would make sure he pays for his personn needs including Dr. bills, hospital, rehab...

Tell your husband if Dad can go to CA & gamble then Dad can pay his own way. If that were an adult child would he allow that? If Dad has something going on in his head id demand him to be seen by a Dr beings you have 2 kids there. All it takes is 1 second for him to think they are a threat & maybe hurt them or worse even in the middle of the night. You never know.

He should be paying his own way. As time goes by, he will be needing more and more items and some of them really add up.

You don't have to charge him for your time and efforts if you choose not to - but he should be paying his own way as much as is possible. Don't feel guilty either. What else will he be doing with his Social Security, etc.?

Your father in law a gets SS check and has some income coming in YES he needs to contribute to the household finances especially since you and your husband are letting him live there. If this becomes an issue consider moving him into assisted living if finances allow because he can't just stay at your house living on your dime and running up bills. The problem with how some people think is because they're old they worked they should be allowed to live for free when it's not fair they're living in their children or grandchildren's homes not paying something towards the house.

He will need to go into a home eventually. Maybe it would be wise to put his money away or check into his finances to make sure he will have money for that. Or start making plans if that happens. And maybe throwing his money away gambling is not the best thing for him to be doing. Because it would be tragic if you and your husband had to finance a place for him.

If your husband thinks that anyone gets to live in this wicked world without paying his way, one way or another; if your husband thinks he can move his father into his wife's home without her willing agreement, and sustain that arrangement indefinitely; if your husband thinks that driving while paranoid is absolutely fine... then your husband is the one suffering delusions.

How long has this been going on? You may need to give it a very short while for the dust to settle; but don't leave it much longer before you insist on discussing a practical, sustainable *plan* for your FIL's future. If necessary, get allies and reinforcements involved - doctors, social workers, mental health care providers.

Also. Have these shooting sensations in your FIL's head actually been investigated? I think we can be reasonably certain it's got nothing to do with hostile neighbours and laser beams. But that doesn't mean the sensations don't have a real cause.

Of course he should be paying rent!

You are giving up your privacy and a certain amount of freedom to interact with your husband and kids.

And please make sure that Medical and financial pos are executed so that your husband can help his dad out if anything happens to him, like a sudden illness or stroke.

JackieVee, has your Dad-in-law been tested for an Urinary Tract Infection? If not, have one done with his primary doctor, the test is very easy and usually results can be given the same day. Treatment is antibiotics. UTI's tend to make the elderly patient see and think things that aren't there.

I think Dad-in-law should pay for some room and board. It would make him feel better about himself. Just keep records for the next 5 years, receipts for rent with a copy of Dad's check, just in case Dad needs to apply for Medicaid.

I strongly believe that every elder ought to be afforded the dignity of paying their own way. Maybe they can't afford to pay fair market value, and they should have the benefit of "family discount," but it is absolutely unacceptable in my book for them to be treated like they have no financial responsibilities.

What do doctors say about his delusions? I would be inclined to say he shouldn't be driving, but I'd like to hear his diagnosis.