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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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She needs help in the bathroom, but brothers aren't willing to do this which limits how much time they can spend with her. They say they're uncomfortable, modest, etc. etc.
Let's face it, MOST men aren't as good wiping someone's rear end as us women are after doing it with kids. My husband wouldn't want to help his mother in the bathroom, for the same reason as he doesn't want to hear her talk about any of her bodily functions. If that's the only reason your brothers aren't spending time with their mother, then why not let them be there when there isn't a bathroom crisis? I mean she can't be spending all her time in the bathroom can she? My mother-in-law is like clock work. One half an hour after she eats, she has to use the bathroom, (I wish I was that regular) so I make sure I'm around a bathroom during that time. Can you time it for them, giving them a time slot of visitation? Or is it just my mother-in-law that's that regular? I don't know.
Whether embarrassed or not, your brothers should step up to the plate. When mom got really ill a couple of times, I used to say to "Can you clean up down there? ... Here. Let me give you some wipeys." If she struggled with it, I'd do it but all the while avoided looking straight into the "spot."
I'd go to those websites for nurses for tips on this issue. You can either teach them or send them the link. They have to step up to the plate. She's their mother too.
I don't know if you can get them to do anything. My brother used to watch my mother sometimes. But as soon as she became incontinent, he would not watch her anymore. Also, I received very little moral support. Instead, they questioned my care for her, and how much I was spending on caregivers. He contributed no monetary help.
Ed is absolutely on target. No one LIKES to do the "icky" stuff...but some one has to. Why should it always be the women of the family - I thought we had gotten past stereotyping. Everyone in the family should step up to take care of an elderly parent. Mothers raising boys right now should teach them the same lessons on caregiving that they teach their daughters. If they shield their sons from the realities of life, sons will not be present when they need their assistance. My brother "checked out" long ago on all caregiving. And I have to admit, that when a man, in this forum, writes that he is a fulltime caregiver of a either parent or spouse (including personal care), I am surprised. I shouldn't be...this should be the norm. The result is so many burned out women who are not taking care of their own health. I heard recently that two of my male cousins put their parents in nursing homes (both did NOT need it)...what a shame. Because they feared taking care of them, they made a rash decision and missed out on spending time with them - so precious. I wish more non-compliant sibs would read the posts on this site. Caregiving of an elderly person is grueling and sometimes thankless work, but it is also the most humane and loving thing you can do for another human being.
Tell your brothers you can't do it alone. How old are they? Can a home health be there while they are visiting. They need to find a way feel comfrtable and maybe grow -up a little
Okay Ed, in a perfect world I would've told her brothers to 'buck up it's your mother too you moron', but since it's not a perfect world, I gave them an out. I failed you.....
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If that's the only reason your brothers aren't spending time with their mother, then why not let them be there when there isn't a bathroom crisis? I mean she can't be spending all her time in the bathroom can she? My mother-in-law is like clock work. One half an hour after she eats, she has to use the bathroom, (I wish I was that regular) so I make sure I'm around a bathroom during that time. Can you time it for them, giving them a time slot of visitation? Or is it just my mother-in-law that's that regular? I don't know.
Whether embarrassed or not, your brothers should step up to the plate. When mom got really ill a couple of times, I used to say to "Can you clean up down there? ... Here. Let me give you some wipeys." If she struggled with it, I'd do it but all the while avoided looking straight into the "spot."
I'd go to those websites for nurses for tips on this issue. You can either teach them or send them the link. They have to step up to the plate. She's their mother too.
-- ED
My brother "checked out" long ago on all caregiving. And I have to admit, that when a man, in this forum, writes that he is a fulltime caregiver of a either parent or spouse (including personal care), I am surprised. I shouldn't be...this should be the norm. The result is so many burned out women who are not taking care of their own health.
I heard recently that two of my male cousins put their parents in nursing homes (both did NOT need it)...what a shame. Because they feared taking care of them, they made a rash decision and missed out on spending time with them - so precious.
I wish more non-compliant sibs would read the posts on this site. Caregiving of an elderly person is grueling and sometimes thankless work, but it is also the most humane and loving thing you can do for another human being.