Hi! I am Joy, my boyfriend is taking care of his mom. She has been kind of living with him for more than a year because of lung cancer and one year before she practically moved in (even though is not oficial, she spents almost all time at his place). 1 Year before that his dad passed away for cancer as well. When that happened we had been together 1 Year. Everything change so quickly and got real hard.
We are not living together yet, we want to but we were waiting for her mom getting better and mover out but it seems its not happening. So we have to adapt to that. I love him and even it has been real hard, I do want as far as Ive been doing it for more than 2 Years, be the support of him (the main caregiver). But I cant lie... is getting Tricky, exhausting, i feel been pushed aside, my help been rejected and of course i had been learning I should not be so invasive. But our relationship is getting damage. Almost 0 intimacy, almost no sex, he is always al around the place giving things, making arrangements, complaining about having no help (his sister is not involved and he does not confront her, he has a great ideal expressing himself), rejecting my help or advise, not expressing how he feels and not putting a space for us to keep Growing togeher. We are planning to see a therapist because this has been scaliting not for good :(
I feel desperate, I want to help but also have a future with him. He knows how I feel, I have an idea of how he feels because of what I said of him having trouble expressing feeling and thoughts. We are getting to the point that he feels bothered when I give advise (which I been learning I should give less and listen more) but is exhausting been rejected about advise when apparently I am the only one Willing to help and of course been rejected as girlfriend/woman. You know. He complains not having help, and that crushes me cause i remember him always that I am all in. So, i dont get it.
I had been looking for help, advise, people who are struggling so I can understand more of everything and of course getting all of this out of my chest Since his father got real sick at 2020 it changes our lifes. IT hurts so much to me the los, the pain I see in my FIL and now seeing my MIL and my BF struggling bad. They do not comunicate much even though they r living together.
I spent many time with them but feel pushed away. I help when Im around, Cook, clean, try to cheer up, give space, whatever comes to mind.and ita hard cause i have my problems as well with my family and mental health issues i suffer from.ocd, anxiety and depression.
I dont know if someone seEs that im struggling as well and feeling ignored even though i express it openly. If there is anyone out to talk to would be great.
I am really confused right now, dunno what will happen and i dont see in Him the matter of urgency i am struggling with. Sometimes he seems empathic others like he just want to win or have the reason. So, I would like him to take serious about us. Is not like I am pushing him away from his mom. The opposite. Indeed i see him with burnout but also myself.
Please free to share anything! IT will be great feeling less alone in this.
I feel desperate, I want to help but also have a future with him. He knows how I feel, I have an idea of how he feels because of what I said of him having trouble expressing feeling and thoughts.
But our relationship is getting damage. Almost 0 intimacy, almost no sex, he is always al around the place giving things, making arrangements, complaining about having no help (his sister is not involved and he does not confront her, he has a great ideal expressing himself), rejecting my help or advise, not expressing how he feels and not putting a space for us to keep Growing togeher
I feel you are exceptionally lucky. You know this before you have a wedding, you know this before you have children, and you know this before you even move in.
Your choices in life are your own and no one can make them for you.
I will tell you an axiom someone told me when I was 18, that I still remember now at 80 and status post TWO divorces. It is: "We know the reasons our marriages will fail before we even get married".
And I will wish you good luck. Your boyfriend has ALREADY MADE his choices. He has chosen NOT to tell his Mom that moving in with him will never be an option, that he is planning now his own family. That he will support her in any ways he can with visits, and etc. He has chosen NOT to reassure you that he will never move his mother in with you, even briefly. So you have all the facts now, and I am glad they are clear to you.
I wish you good luck. There is a whole lot of heartache and trauma involved in divorcing when you have children. I can tell you that what my children went through due to my failures to recognize the truth are the WORST FAILURES in my long life, the things I can never change the repercussions of, the things I consider the most unforgivable. And I can wish you luck.
You sound young. I think it may be time to back off. Sadly, your boyfriend does not have time for a relationship. Trying to continue a relationship with you is probably putting more stress on him. For now he has to concentrate on Mom. He probably has not had enough time to grieve for his Dad and then Mom has serious health problems.
This is what I would do. Be honest, tell him you care a lot for him but you don't feel right now he has time for your relationship. That for now you are going to put the ball in his court. That you understand that he is under a lot of stress and you may be adding to it. So for now, if he wants to talk to you or even see you, its up to him and you will not be coming over unless he calls you. You are giving him space that he probably needs.
Not saying you can't text him to see how he is but you need to give him space. Another thing, when you have to start walking on egg shells, its time to back away too. Believe me, your BF or you are going to say something you both regret and your relationship will be no more.
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you are destined to be together for the rest of your lives. Loves comes and goes until that special one comes along.
Do not move in with him. What will end up happening is you will become the scapegoat for him and his mother. They will blame you in some way for anything and everything. Even if you move in and are a great help to them and do nothing wrong, they will tailor the blame to make it fit.
You will also become the person both of them "vent" their anger and frustrations on to avoid going off on each other. I hate that term "vent" so let's call it what it usually is most of the time:
Abuse.
There could be a silver lining here if you look for it. If it's real and true love between you and your boyfriend then the two of you will find your way back to each other.
I was married and divorced twice. My first husband I married at 18. My second I was in my early 30's. I loved them both but in different ways.
My second husband is the love of my life and I am the love of his. We divorced. He even remarried, but really that was only to spite me. They were only married a few months. I got engaged to someone else who was actually gay, but we are still very good friends. I helped him "come out" and he helped me get back together with my ex-husband. That's what friends do.
Anyway, my point (that I got a bit side-tracked) is that if your boyfriend is the one for you, then he'll find his way back to you.
So let him go now. Don't interfere with the caregiving for his mother. Don't you take it on yourself. Don't move into his place or get a place with him and his mother. Don't allow yourself to become the booty-call that he can hit it and quit it with when he gets a few hours of caregiver respite here and there. None of that.
Just be a friend. Not a friend with "benefits". Not a friend that's going to help with his mother's care needs, and certainly not a friend he can lash out at and dump on. Just a friend. Visit him and his mother. Just to spend time together.
If the two of you are meant to be together then you will be. In the meantime, be open-minded about dating other people. You don't have to die of thirst if there's a wells all over the place.
It will be okay. You'll see. Good luck and God bless.
You’re an excellent writer & I think you should write a book about caregiving..& your experiences. Always give great advice, too! Hugs 🤗
You're young -- don't put all your eggs in this basket. Your guy isn't necessarily a bad guy, but he's not for you. Move on and find someone who has as much time and interest in YOU as you do in him.
"...this situation with his mom won't be the last obstacle in your relationship."
So true! Life is really made up of a series of challenges that we get through. The BF is probably a "nice guy" but seems like he doesn't know how to handle complex emotional issues, see & defend boundaries or have clear priorities. Not a recipe for strong, healthy relationships. .