Going to see my estranged sister in hospice ...how do I forgive her for the years of deliberate hurtful jealous behavior?

Question

Going to see my estranged sister in hospice ...how do I forgive her for the years of deliberate hurtful jealous behavior?

Follow

Share

I finally received a call from her last September after 20 years of deliberate avoidance. In those 20 years our lives certainly changed. So many times I needed her and she was not there for me. She just inherited a huge amount of money and now is dying. Her own family is a mess...and she, dying from lung cancer, while she continues to smoke and drink. So Sad. I do forgive but it is hard for me to forget the emotional abusive behaviors. The lies and ridicule I endured from jealousy. I took care of my mother struggling with alcoholism, cirrhosis, bleeding ulcers and bronchitis. My sisters were too busy in their lives to help . They lived within one hour of her...I lived 8 hours away. I would drive to see mom and care for her, clean her house, take her to appointments, and take her out ...for dinner, lunch, a drive...dress her up like she loved, once a month for 3 years. Thankful to have such a wonderful mom and amazed that both sisters were too busy to care. And now this sister is in hospice and I am being summoned to come. And I am afraid to see her in this condition. It is a thousand mile journey. She expects me there now. I read all of these posts because I was my mother's caregiver and it was difficult but I loved my mother and appreciated her incredible efforts in raising us all . Now, as I pack my bags and make all of the arrangements to travel , dealing with my own respiratory illness, having to travel with portable oxygen, 65 now, sister is just 67...help me to understand how to lay down the torment of the unresolved past. I cannot bring any of it up any more. Regurgitating any of the hurt and deprivation makes me sick. I know it will hurt her too. How do I offer loving kindness devoid of memories? She is already lying and manipulating the course demanding her own needs and giving no concern to my own health, costs, or responsibilities at hand. Certainly my needs are not as desperate as hers. I just want to go with the best loving spirit but I am afraid as this family's history is of abuse, torment and rejection. I'm sorry if this is not the right forum for this discussion...but your caring input would be so appreciated.

End of Life Mental Health Relationships

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

91 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2 3 4

I would ask what you hope to get from the experience. I'm a deep believer in low expectations with damaged relationships. If it is your wish to say goodbye in person for yourself and your own well being then make the journey. If you are going with the hope of meeting a better version of your sibling you may be disappointed. I've heard folks say its important to resolve problems and offer forgiveness while alive as if regret is waiting if you don't "forgive" but I've not seen that final visit resolve the years of pain and abuse for my dear ones. My thought is you choose how you want your story written. Forgiveness in my mind represents someone not just apologizing and expressing remorse but actively changing the behavior in good faith. She can't do that for you unless you think you only need a few words to erase the history between you or no words at all and you just accept her as a deeply flawed person and forgiveness is not required to say goodbye.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

I am so sorry for the baggage of your life that you carry. It has been hard, and I understand.

The only thing I can think to say is that, in my opinion, you don't have to have everything sorted in your mind as you make this last visit. Perhaps if you resolve to simply be there, observe, take in, and allow yourself the time to process later it could relieve the pressure you are feeling to go in with a perfect mindset right now.

What you are doing is hard, yet you are still going. That shows your strength of character. Nothing else matters right now.

I would go into the meeting with a few neutral, but honest, phrases that I rehearsed. Perhaps things like, "It has been hard, but I am here." "I am here for both of us."

I would also be prepared for your sister to ask for forgiveness. I am not sure what you want to say to that knowing she is dying. But, be prepared with an answer to that request that she can die with and you can LIVE with.

Then, seek counseling to help you sort through all of this pain when you get home. You deserve to find your peace, not just give it to others.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

The thing about growing up in an alcoholic family is that one grows a very inflated sense of loyalty to others at the expense of oneself. You are guilt tripped to not think about yourself. Been there done that. Your needs ARE as desperate as your sisters! "I know it will hurt her too"--she never worried about you. Don't go! You did your time with your mom. You have plenty of health reasons to bow out gracefully without going into your real fears of more abuse, torment and rejection.

For what it's worth, my brother and I ended up with PTSD from growing up my mom's alcoholism and rage. She had colon cancer the last year of her life. I know her step family couldn't figure out why her kids didn't rush to see her--I lived about 2000 miles away--we all lived over 500 life and soul preserving miles away. I didn't have the money to travel but really, I don't know that any of us wanted to see her. Serious illness and end of life can be very close and intimate moments, but much of her life had successfully shut those possibilities down.

So, take care of yourself. It really is okay to do so!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

You will probably feel better if you go. You will not have any regrets. If she asked to see you, she probably wants to make. Things right or apologize so that she can then die in peace. Dying people have realizations about there lives which they want to rectify. You can video call but in person allows human contact like a last hug. As long as you can do it without jeopardizing your health I say go. If it will put your health in danger then just tell her that you are unable to travel but will do a video call.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

if It were me, I would go. Not for my sister’s sake, but for my own. Even though I might not be able to forgive, I’d know I’d have made the effort to ease her mind - whether it turned out that way or not. We all have regrets about things we did or didn’t do throughout our lives. We’re not perfect and make mistakes here and there. That’s just life. I’d want to avoid adding to that pile. Sometimes we take on fruitless tasks just so we’ll like the person we see in the mirror going forward.

I hope the visit goes well. Hugs.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Just know that you have forgiven her but you haven't forgotten.

She's the one that is dying so Unless your health would suffer, I would go and not bring up the past.
If she does, just sat the past is the past and let her talk and just be a good listener.

Prayers

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Both you and your sister are standing at the transition to eternity. You have prepared by caring to others, under difficult circumstances. Not clear that she has. Love, mercy, compassion outlast all the craziness of this life. Perspectives change in the shadows of death. Are you able to simply dump the burden of an abusive past and live in the now? Could I suggest forgiving her in your heart and perhaps helping her to face her looming death?

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I love your answer! This is what I did with my brother before his death and I don’t regret it for a second.

All circumstances are different though, so it really depends on the specifics of her situation. It may not be applicable for her. All I know is it was the right thing for me.

(1)

Report

I agree with what others have said. Don't go. As for forgiveness, has your sister asked for forgiveness? If not, then you are under no obligation to forgive her. People misunderstand what forgiveness is about. From a biblical standpoint, forgiveness is about reconciliation. It is not a feeling, and it is supposed to be reciprocal where the offender asks for forgiveness from the one she has offended. If your sister repents for the hurt she has caused, then you are obligated (if you are a Christian) to forgive her.

Now that doesn't mean you hang on to the anger and the bitterness. For your own peace, you have to let go of that. Easier said than done, I know. That is something to pray about and to give to the Lord.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I encourage you to follow what feels right for you. If you do beyond this, you can be re-traumatised. Do what will have you feel complete after she has died. Your boundaries what ever they may be, are important. They are your guide in keeping you emotionally safe.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I would start with a phone call or two ...that will give you better insight and break the ice. From there you can decide if you still should go. You have to take care of yourself..and remember that when you are with her someone will be missing you at home.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

You do not have to forget.
Just do not return comment in a mean spirit - just visit .

I have a half brother that sexually assaulted a daughter - I did not forgive, and I definetly do not forget when he is around I am civil with my tongue - but as he continues to lie and steal - I do not tell him it is ok either. It is something you can decide what is right for you. My prayers for you as you make your decision. I sit in the same room silently sometimes.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Imho, I am quite concerned that you are traveling such a LONG distance while being ill yourself and with such a demand from your sister, who never was there for you when you needed her. You may obviously have made your decision to travel or not as I am seeing your post three days later, BUT perhaps the most sensible thing to do is to take care of yourself.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I am praying for you during this difficult time. Wow so hard to forgive others for hurt, especially prolonged hurt like you must be feeling. I am so glad that you were able to spend time with and care for your mom. That is something that you can feel good about. Maybe she isn’t feeling so good. I’m pray you can be safe on your trip that you can find peace and compassion in dealing with her and that Gods will can be done in this situation. Take care.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I am a bit confused. If this person was so "off" to you for so many years, why on earth are you jeopardizing your mental and physical health. I personally would NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GO TO SEE HER. Perhaps she wants to apologize. Who knows? Have someone set up a video where you can each see one another but please do not be a fool. Look after yourself, not her.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

I agree. If sister wants to apologize in person, then she needs to make that clear to Healthyself, so Healthyself can make her best reasoned decision about travelling and self care (emotionally and physically). In my case, if sis explicitly made clear she wanted to make amends in person, she's given me the opportunity, invitation, and respect to travel OR NOT based on my own comfort level. No WAY would I recommend going if it may be a crapshoot emotionally.

(0)

Report

I would argue that your needs are no less important than hers. Down to brass tacks, if you decline to go to her rescue, would you regret it later so much that the benefit of going outweighs your own sanity and health?

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Just do it and show her you are her loving brother!!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

You’re a much better person than I am if you do go.

My circumstances are a little different but I am completely done with my sibling no matter what happens.

With your health condition though I can’t understand why you’re putting yourself at risk when you haven’t spoken in so long.

As someone else said, I would say a prayer and take care of yourself & your family. Hugs in whatever decision you make.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

Be aware, Hospice maybe be on the scene but hat doesn't mean your sister is dying now. My wife gets a little help from Hospice, some supplies, equipment, medication. But the Hospice nurse assigned to the case only comes by once a week to check vital signs. Hospice doesn't really kick into gear until the person is actively in the process of dying. If she continues to smoke and drink she isn't dying now and she's probably just as mean as ever. Have you talked with her on the phone? On forgiveness, the idea is to stop living with the toxic charge of anger and resentment, to stop hurting yourself, not to somehow give the offender a clean slate.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

The fact you gave is in your favor. You are painting a picture that you were/are a victim. You are not. In reality you made clear choices. All choices have costs and benefits. Your only error was expecting others to show you appreciation and/or respond in kind. (would be great if those we assist gave appreciation, they very rarely ever do.) There is never one way....Life is a long series of choices. Because we share a genetic stream with others (ie family ) does not mean there is necessarily a soul bond of love (as in your case) The choices you made/are making concerning those around you are a reflection of your character/soul light goodness, kindness, selflessness. There is a simple book "Breathe Again Naturally" by Dr Bernard Jensen available on Amazon. Jensen was the great father of natural medicine for America. I have witnessed the principles in this book, when applied, help a number of people with similar health issues to your own. Stay sweet. It will keep you face soft & pretty

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Go to your sister, if your health allows. What she did or didn't do for your mother is between your mom and your sister. It's not yours to be concerned about. You have to do Your best and not take other people's faults personally.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I get it, lotstolose, that what sis did or didn't do for mom is between the two of them. But if sis has been mean, selfish and hurtful all along to her sister, that's a separate issue, and overall, in my analysis, the most front-and-center concern here. After making the journey, icky sis may just say "sucker/gotcha" and do it again. I said earlier, if sis makes it clear that she's asking for her so that she (jealous sis)wants to make amends for her behavior, I'd consider going (taking into account practical issues such as her immediate health situation and the practical logistics of a long drive). If sis doesn't make that clear, I'd not take the potential bait.

(0)

Report

I had the same situation with similar issues with my dying sister. She did not ask for me to be there but I believe she would have wanted it nonetheless. I gave and gave and gave to her all her life and took her lack of respect for all I tried to do for her and her family till I could not take it anymore. I drew a line and that's a very long story. I took care of my parents with no help from her at all. I let that go because my sister had emotional and mental issues and was an alcoholic. I let it go, and let it go and let it go for a very long....till like I said I had to draw a line. I was done. So when I heard she was passing I said a prayer for her and did not go to see her. I have no regrets about that. Everyone's situation is different and you have to do what is right for YOU....not her, but YOU.

Helpful Answer (11)

Report

"When you give, you are not the giver. But the witness of Life giving to itself" Kahil Gibran. The book, The Prophet

(2)

Report

I am concerned that your sister demands that you attend to her when you have a respiratory illness. COVID is still rampant and I am surprised that you are considering traveling to visit her when you are especially susceptible to such a dangerous and prevalent disease. Immunized or not, you need to take care of yourself and your own family first. It appears she is tormenting you again by making you think you owe her something. You don't. I can tell by your posting that you are a very loving person. Send her a card of encouragement or FaceTime with her--you can easily show your loving spirit that way. Her demand is completely unreasonable and downright dangerous.

Helpful Answer (12)

Report

So very well said.

(4)

Report

This journey is a gift that God has given to you. It is a journey to redemption. You have an anchor connected to your spirit and a cloud surrounding your heart. God wants to unburden you so that you can fly, but you are the one who has the key to the chains that have you bound to the past. You said: "Help me to understand how to lay down the torment of the unresolved past." Know that your sister has a spiritual illness and that illness causes her to regurgitate selfishness and pain on those who love her the most. You haven't been singled out. People like this make even their closest friends question what they have done to deserve the torment that comes with loving them. You have the heart of a loving caregiver. Not everyone possesses such treasure. 🌹So what do you do when someone is sick? First you don't take it personally. Clean them up. Put on a new diaper. Change the bed. Give them something to eat. Give them their meds and the meds are always "love" then a kiss on the head, just tell them that you love and appreciate something good about them and then let them rest peacefully. Job well done! Take a shower and clean off all of the corruption that spilt over on you while you administered love to someone in need. Have some hot tea, a meal and rest. Sleep well because you did the right thing by bringing love and comfort to someone who may die without ever feeling the touch of God's love. Your sister is probably someone who has no clue how to do the same for someone else and that is why she didn't help with Mom. She doesn't have the heart of a comforter, a caregiver. Not knowing how to love and care for others is torture to those who miss out on being closer to God's love and the joy of helping someone in need. They lash out at others and blame them for everything because they hate themselves and are ashamed. The bad thing is they don't even understand why they do them. If she lies to you TODAY or tries to manipulate you, it's okay. Just know that she is just trying to hide from her self loathing, love her in spite of herself. Your kind acts of love and kindness towards your sister will help her soul to heal and God will heal you in return. The Bible tells us that if we forgive others their trespasses, out heavenly Father will also forgive us. Memories from the past are like cancers growing on the soul. The events no longer exists but the memory of the pain will keep you in torment. Let it go so that you can heal. ❤️

Helpful Answer (11)

Report

Oh my... such kind loving wisdom. Thank you so much, I really needed to hear this, my situation is very similar to Healthyself. You’ve helped me heaps. Xx

(7)

Report

Have read some of the answers-- My advice? 1. Go ahead and go; but be ready to leave quickly. Do not promise to stay; do not promise to take care of her, or lend her funds. 2, Your first responsibility is to your own family, and your own strength. Do not compromise your own needs. 3. IF she wants to apologize, or talk of the past, let her. Maybe she has changed; if so, be glad of it, and thank her. If not; walk away ( at least mentally ). 4. Your own family needs you.
Bless you for the lovely, caring person that you are. Take care of yourself, too.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Hi, you sound a really caring person. If I was in your position I wouldn't go. Your sister doesn't deserve you.
Best wishes

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I agree with Fluffy22 and Audrey19. Past time for some line drawing. Too difficult a trip for someone who treated you poorly. What you owe to people who abuse you trumps "blood". Work with a therapist or a caring church community to understand how to forgive and move on, without having guilt about things that other people did to YOU!

(5)

Report

"Estranged sister" Do not call your sister estranged ! That is your blood . That was her mother as well as yours and you both want what's best for your mother . Just because both of you deal with whatever stress you both dealt with in the past in different ways because of different circumstances does not give you any .... Any right to estranged her !

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

You are very fortunate to have a good and loving family. I wish it could be said of all families. Unfortunately, not all children want what is best for their parents or their siblings. The words matricide and patricide exist for a reason.

(6)

Report

See 6 more replies

Because you are on this site, you have access to the internet. I suggest you search for grief groups in your area and join one asap. There you will be able to receive understanding and help for what you are experiencing. Is there someone in your life who can accompany you on this trip? You need warm arms to surround you as you go through this. I encourage you to go. If you don't, you will wonder for the rest of your life about what might have helped you if you had gone. You have lots to grieve.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

If you are on oxygen and would need to travel by plane, bus or any other crowded transportation, Covid-19 is still here. There is no need to put yourself at risk.

It is important to make your own internal peace by phone or video. Your brother's demons are not yours to carry. You don't need to explain to anyone. Neither of us know why he made the choices he did. I love the comment about we will do better next time.

Take care of yourself above all. Be proud of the choices you have made.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I believe that forgiveness is not so much for the person who hurt you, I forgive so that I can move on. Forgiveness is for me, not the other person. Once I forgive someone I can move forward with no regrets.

Have an exit plan. If she starts being hateful or attacking you personally, leave. You don't have to stay and take any abuse. You can leave knowing you gave her every opportunity to mend bridges and she choose not to do so, no regret on your part you did everything you could.

Don't forget to take care of yourself, you did not cause her illness, and don't let anyone blame you for what has happened to her.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

My Grandpa says "resentment is like wetting your pants...only you know about it, and its mighty uncomfortable. Forgiveness is accepting things as they are...and we get a new fresh pair of pants to boot" Then he gives a grin & a wink :)

(8)

Report

She may want to forgive YOU rather than RECEIVE forgiveness; I'm not saying who has more justifiable blame but just be prepared to be gracious and not use forgiveness as to assigning wrongdoing (to her face anyway, now is not the best time...)

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

1 2 3 4

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Going to see my estranged sister in hospice ...how do I forgive her for the years of deliberate hurtful jealous behavior?

91 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions