Hello, I’ve never used this forum before but i didnt know where else to turn. I’m only 18 and can’t exactly speak to my grandmother's doctor myself. My grandma on my mom's side has moved in with us due to troubles previously living with my aunt. When we used to visit with her on holidays, she seemed perfectly normal - no issues. Very talkative, interesting in my life, and helpful when it comes to cooking and cleaning.
Since she begged my mom to let her live at our house with my family, she has acted like a completely different person. She leaves dishes laying out, leaves empty toilet rolls on the window sill, comes into my room when I’m sleeping to take my dog out (??), has a constant need to know where I’m going, she also claims to be unable to cook meals- only uses microwave meals if we are not home to serve her food. She claims to be mostly deaf, but gets extremely nervous when discussing getting her her hearing aids fixed. (Would rather not hear) She blames a lot of her abnormal behaviours on her mother “my mother used to do this” when referring to not getting her hearing aids fixed, or when we point of the odd noises she makes or the rubbing of her face constantly. She is very nosy at times, and will listen to conversations on the other side of the door, will listen through vents into my bedroom when my father comes to chat with me in my room, or even standing outside of the bathroom door and watching me go to the bathroom at times.
She eats the exact same meals at the same time everyday and will push you out of the way to get her food and medication. Christmas morning she skipped out on opening gifts with us because she needed to eat her cereal.
She is also very intrusive of our space. When we have family time after everyone gets home from work she will come and sit there but not say a word. She often will be watching us have a conversation and interrupt to talk about something completely irrelevant. She does nothing all day besides self-diagnose her problems, stare blankly out the window, and seems to have a serious attachment to my mother (her daughter). She refuses to anything to help herself. She sits all day on her computer (10+ hours a day), and refuses to stretch or exercise. She is on 13+ medications, including a suspiciously high dose of anxiety medication. On Christmas she sent me an e-transfer in the same room as me (no merry Xmas, or card).
She has also started speaking to my mother like a child - “tank you” and other such childish phrases”. She “tells on me” to my mother like a young sibling would, when I’m up late, when i go out, or even when my dad leaves to go to the store she tells my mom he left as if we don’t already communicate where were going to each other- and trust me this is not out of care for what we're doing - it's trying to get my mother angry with us. She recently told her she thinks I don’t like her after my dad's father (my grandpa) came over and i asked her to leave so i could spend time with him. Keep in mind she moved away when i was young and made the minimum effort to see me (holidays) and never called.
All in all, I’m feeling very put out in my own house as are my parents and brother. She’s invasive, doesn’t help out, and tries to get me in trouble for anything she can.
Lately, I’ve also heard her up at night (around 4am) wandering throughout the house. At this time - the camera in our kitchen also mysteriously shuts off. I am concerned that there is something weird going on and i can’t tell if this is devious behaviour, a medication issue, or something else all together.
Any advice or recommendations would help, thanks in advance.
"I am caring for my grandmother, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, hearing loss, lung disease, mobility problems, and osteoporosis."
The behavior you're describing could definitely be attributed to dementia; has grandma been diagnosed, or are you just assuming she's afflicted with it and putting that down in her profile? She needs to be seen by her PCP and given a cognizance test (MoCA or SLUMS) which is mostly oral, and a written part where she's asked to draw a clock showing 3 pm, to see if she has a cognizance issue at play. Certainly, wandering around at 4 am and her other odd behaviors could definitely be attributed to dementia, but high doses of anti-anxiety meds along with 12 other RXs could be playing a part here too. Can mom take her to the doctor soon?
I don't know that grandma is exhibiting 'dangerous' behavior, per se, unless she tries to get out of the house at 4 am to go outside and walk around the neighborhood. Now THAT can definitely be dangerous! Your dad might want to to install slide locks high up on the exterior inside doors to prevent her from doing such a thing, just in case.
We here on the forum can't tell you 'exactly' what's happening with grandma, of course, but just say that a doctor's visit IS in order here, definitely. I hope you can get this all figured out b/c it sure sounds stressful for your family to be dealing with such behaviors from grandma. GOOD LUCK!
2nd, the behaviors don't sound "devious" at all but highly likely to be medical. Perhaps, as an ADULT , it's time you spoke to your mother about what your grandmother's diagnosis is and the expected outcomes.
3rd, When you get the information from your mother, about what is going on with your grandmother, then you can research and learn that such behaviors are not malicious or the sign of bad character.
TBH, you are sounding like you want some type of drama instead of trying to understand life stages and medical conditions.
Send a note, even. But, the doc will not be able to tell you anything about grandma.
1) Talk to your aunt about the ‘troubles’ she had with GM, and ask her to talk to your parents. What happened, how aunt tried to cope, and how that worked out. Aunt's suggestions about what to do.
2) Tell your parents that this is becoming very difficult for you, is ruining your family life, invading your privacy. Tell them what your aunt said, and ask them to talk to aunt themselves.
3) Send your information to GM’s doctor. As already said, doctor can’t talk to you, but you can talk to doctor. Tell your parents that you have done this, and ask that they follow it up with the doctor.
4) Tell your parents that this is a common cause of teenagers leaving home as soon as they are able. Is this what your parents want to happen? It’s true!
5) Ask your parents to start looking for alternative accommodation for GM. You can bring yourself up to speed quickly about the options on this site. Click on ‘Care Topics’ at the top right of the screen, then click on A and find Assisted Living, I for Independent Living, S for Senior Living. GM may be a long way still from Nursing Home or Memory Care, and there are options that might work better for everyone.
6) If you are still in college, talk to the student counselor. It’s normally free, and perhaps will help you sort through what to do.
7) If this all causes problems in the household, perhaps your aunt might let you move in with her until the dust settles.
Good Luck, Margaret
Some people ARE obnoxious and purposefully rude, however. If that's gma, who knows, right? It could be, but you won't know that until you rule out organic reasons/medical reasons/prescription dependence FIRST. If the doc rules out those things, then you'll have to say well, gma is a rude and obnoxious human and very difficult to live with!
The big red flag here (for me) is her wandering at night: that shouts DEMENTIA b/c it's SO COMMON a thing for a dementia sufferer to do.
I hope you and mom can find answers to this situation asap.
Grandma's strange behaviors should be documented and reported to her doctor. I highly recommend you record them on your phone so you can have proof and show the doctor. Telling the doc isn't sufficient. Seeing is believing.
I am going to speak to her doctor soon with my family and address it. We have some pictures as proof in case of this as well - good point.
I would first look up the meds she is taking to determine what they are for. I would then take them to a pharmacist and ask if any interact with another. My Mom was on a med for fast heart rate because of her Thyroid. Once the Thyroid was under control I asked why she was still on it. She was taken off. Her Bloodpressure med was doubled while in the hospital in pain. When released I question the high dose told that was what she was being given because of the pain. The pain was gone after the procedure. In home nurse questioned it too because Moms B/P was too low. Called Moms PCP and he lowered it back to normal.
Have you talked to your Aunt to find out if Grandma was like this at her house? Sudden changes in personality could be a UTI.