My 80 year old grandmother lives with my mom, and my mom has mentioned the my grandmother is somewhat verbally abusive, but I did not really understand to what extent until recently. She has had bipolar since she was young, but has not taken medication for it in years. My mom says that my grandfather was at his wits end before he died because she was exhibiting the same behavior and refused any treatment. After my grandfather passed away 6 years ago, my grandmother has been basically a hermit, not leaving the house except for 1-2 doctor appointments per year, and she obviously is suffering from severe depression and cannot deal with the death of her spouse. She has said from time to time that she just wishes she was dead, and I guess that is understandable in her situation, but recently she has been very combative and paranoid about everyone.
She fell in March and shattered her shoulder, which led to a shoulder replacement and an short stint in a rehab facility. She convinced my mom and myself that the nurses and aides at the rehab facility were abusing her and got us to sign her out and get home health for her rehab. Now that she is at home, she has refused her home health nurses and physical therapy, and is refusing many of her medications. She is convinced that everyone around her hates her and are conspiring against her, she also has stated several times that all of her family are mentally ill, and she is the only sane one. We have tried to convince her to accept psychiatric help, but that only causes her to lash out and become very angry, because she believes there is nothing wrong with her. Today she told me that she wished she was dead and that she could just take all of her medications and kill herself any time she wanted. I told her that if she felt like that, then maybe she shouldn't keep her medications in her room, and reached for the medication box, and she hit me and told me to never come back. I called a psychiatric crisis number, thinking that they could help, but they just sent to police out to the house. The police talked to her, and she acted like the sweetest, most intelligent and sane person you could ever meet. I couldn't believe how she could be so different in a matter of minutes. She told the officer, "I would never dream of killing myself, but you would wish you were dead too if your family treated you as awful as mine treats me!" Then she proceeded to tell him how awful we are to her. I don't know where she got the stuff she was telling him, but I am glad that he didn't really believe her! She also told him that she knew her rights, and no one could make her go anywhere unless she consented.
If she will not willingly submit to psychiatric treatment, what can we do? The police officer says there is nothing we can do, but my mom says she can't take it anymore. I don't think she should have to keep taking it, but I don't see an alternative. My mother owns the house, and my grandmother doesn't have enough money to afford assisted living, so are there any other options? Any way to get her psychiatric treatment involuntarily? If she is that good at putting on a show, how can we convince anyone that she even needs psychiatric treatment without her claiming that we are abusing her? My mom has a "General Durable Power of Attorney," it does not state that it can be used for medical, but it also does not exclude medical anywhere. I am concerned for my mom because she really can't take it anymore, and I don't know what to do for her. She says that she can't get away from my grandmother because she follows her around the house yelling at her quite frequently. Does anyone have any suggestions of what we could do? I really don't even know where to start.
Thanks,
Kim
Man if I had a dollar for every time I heard that from my bi-polar, schizophrenic ex I'd be a bazillionaire. This is a common statement from the mentally ill. They don't know they are ill...
You mom does not have to deal with this, and should not as this is a dangerous situation. You can have her "baker acted"...which is a forced 72 hour psychiactric observation. While she can show time for a few minutes in front of a police officer, it is much less likely she will hold that act for 72 hours. During this time the hospital can evaluate her and recommend treatment. Hopefully this will involve a stint in a longer term mental health facility where they will begin to unravel her lifetime of mental illness.
Angel
My second suggestion is for your mother to take control of her own situation. She can tell Grandma that unless she accepts treatment she is not welcome to continue living there. The risk is that she will wind up living on the street. You and Mother can do your best to prevent that, by involving mental health agencies or APS.
I'm so sorry that you and Mother are facing this, Kim. I wish you (and your grandmother) a successful resolution to this serious problem.
Bi-Polar is like that where they can be in an episode and the next minute they are fine. I know its scary and frustrating. I hope you can find help quickly for your family.
She eventually was moved to a NH where appropriate medications helped tremendously with her psychotic behavior. She was much calmer and it improved her well being and her life. She as well should have been taking medication for years, but resisted.
Getting your grandmother to a psychiatrist will be most difficult, if not impossible. Perhaps her primary care doctor could help if your mother speaks to him privately and gives him the details of what is going on. It is amazing how they can "turn it on" and "turn it off" as to how they react with doctors, etc. This is all part of the mental health issues that need to be addressed.
I do hope Elder Services can help as it will only get worse. It will effect your mother's health as well. You said she cannot afford assisted living. She may have to be placed in a skilled nursing facility and you could apply for Medicaid.
Hugs across the miles. Take care.
She may get straightened out in the hospital and meekly take her medications but is just as likely not to when she gets home. I hope they also assess her for dementia, many of her behaviours are similar.
She will probably have a fine tale to tell of your mom's abuse and how she hid her medicines or took them herself and how the family is ganging up against her and taking her money. don't worry about it as someone else said they have heard it all before.
YOU CAN REFUSE TO TAKE HER HOME. You will probably be given a hard time but others have done it. If you feel she deserves a second chance Mom will be facing the same situation again and it may not be as easy to get her admited a second time. Give it some serious thought. Blessings
Also, my mom never told me that she was grandmother's healthcare POA, so I had her take the paperwork up there and show it to them, and they told her that according to the wording of her POA, she could have had my grandmother involuntarily committed herself if she had wanted to. Anyway, I am not sure what we are going to do when she is released. I would prefer that she go to an assisted living, but I don't think there are any good places here that she could afford. I am the only person in the family that would be in a position to be able to help her financially, but I can't make up the difference every month by myself. I have looked to see if Medicaid would help pay for assisted living, but apparently they don't except through a waiver program, and there is a 6 year waiting list in our state :( She doesn't have any medical problems, and she is pretty mobile and can dress, feed, and clothe herself. She cannot do her own laundry, cook meals, or drive. Does anyone know if there is any way she could qualify to stay in a nursing home due to psych/dementia problems? I highly doubt it, but I was just wondering. I don't think that my Mom can take care of her any more, and my Mom needs to think about her own physical and mental health. I just want to find a workable solution that will protect my mom, but also allow my grandmother to live out her life in a way that she can be happy.
Several people have mentioned that my grandmother's behavior sounds manipulative, and yes, she has been very manipulative with my mom for a long time. I recognized it several years ago, along with the signs of mental illness, and tried to get my mom to let me step in and help, but she did not want me to and said she could handle it by herself. Things just got to a point this time that the whole family ended up getting involved.
Sandwich42, you mentioned that your mom was hospitalized for suicidal ideation with a plan just for saying that the window was big enough to fit through. I'm an RN, not psychiatric, but I still know the basics, and I knew that when my grandmother said she didn't want to live anymore and that she could take her all her medications and kill herself anytime she wanted to, that was suicidal ideation with a plan. She may deny that she actually wanted to kill herself, but she was thinking of a plan if she wanted to, which is the first step. The police officer that came out to the house said that didn't count, and it was no grounds for him to take her in. I guess to be taken by the police, you have to tell them that you are planning to kill yourself, how you are going to do it, and that you plan on doing it right away, before they will do anything about it. Seems pretty silly to me, because if you REALLY want to kill yourself, you definitely aren't going to tell the police that you are planning it! After the police left, my grandmother then proceeded to refuse all food and try to starve herself. She even told me that was her plan! I asked her why she got rid of her physical therapy for her shoulder, and she said that she was only going to live for a few more days, so it didn't matter if she could use her shoulder or not. Anyway, I am VERY glad that someone was finally able to convince her to accept help, and I keep praying that all of this will work out for the best. Also, if anyone has family members that suffer from mental illness, I just read a really good book that helps to explain why they don’t think they are sick and don’t want to take medications. It is called “I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help!” by Xavier Amador. Thank you, everyone, for your suggestions and support. This has been a really difficult situation for our whole family, and it’s not over yet. We would all appreciate your prayers that this will work out the best for everyone involved!
I have had training in suicide prevention, intervention and postvention and learned that you always take a suicide threat seriously. Mother is manipulative too - part of the BPD. That does not excuse the suicide threat. She has been manipulative all her life the suicide threat is recent.
Your grandma needs professional help any way you can get it to her. I think she needs to be in a geriatric psychiatric facility, where trained staff can deal with her. Mother was in a very good ALF, and had to be removed from there due to her increasing illness. She does not fit in one any more, and will be placed in a facility with a mental health mandate. It sounds to me that that is where your g'ma should be. Don't take her back home. She is beyond being able to be managed at home. If you/your mum refuse to take her home, saying that you cannot look after her any more, they have to find a suitable placement for her. One lady here "abandoned " her mother to the state, as her mother was totally unmanageable due to progressing Alz. All that means is that the state will place her and be responsible for her. Family still visited her. It was the best solution. Sometimes there aren't great options, so we have to choose the best available.
All the best to your and your family. I know how hard it is. ((((((hugs))))))
As far as the "Bring me home" manipulation goes, I'm getting from mom with both barrels. She tries sweet little child act, she tries demanding with profanity and swearing. Last night she tried fooling me. She said she had been cleared to go and I should get over there to pick her up. Like I don't know better. An hour later I got a call that mom's BP was 235/80! Clear to go my left foot. She is refusing her BP meds at the same time. I have been waiting for call saying she's had a stroke or been sent to the ER. It hasn't come yet....
I don't know what to tell you that can help your mom get past the guilt. There are a lot of articles on this site about caregiver guilt that might help her. She has basically just got to stop responding like grandma is completely sound of mind. She must stop trying to fill the role of "obedient daughter who does exactly as told". That role has expired and won't serve good purposes for grandma, mom, or anyone. Your mom is going to end up in the hospital herself putting herself through this wringer.
The thing that has to overcome guilt is going over all the bad things that could happen if you give grandma what she asks for. The restrictions are for her protection. Exactly like why we don't let little kids play with matches, knives, or run out into the road. ::hugs::
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