My three siblings want to put my mother in a nursing home. She does not want this and neither do I.
She is in a rehabilitation center at the present.
How can I help her be returned to the home that we both share.
I really need some good advice to help my poor mother.
Assisted Living is another option which is great for elders, if the elder can afford to do that, as the elders are around people of their own generation, and there is a lot of help for them such as housekeeping, medicine being dispensed, all 3 meals prepared, medical alerts, etc. My Dad [94] is in the Independent Living side and has the options for extra care, he recently started with the facility doing his meds.
If the reheb recommends 24-hour care, who would you call to help you out? Being a 24-hour caregivers means you would be doing the work of 3 full-time caregivers each and every day, 168 hours a week with very little rest inbetween. You would burn out quickly, and just a note, 40% of caregivers pass on leaving behind their love one.
Why is she in rehab?
Is she mentally competent?
Who has POA?
Whose home do you share, hers or yours?
She is in rehab because she is very weak and underweight.
She is mentally competent. My sister is her POA
Mom and I co-own our home.
Your mom is 81 and I have noticed that many elders decline steadily after reaching that age, you need to understand the dynamics between you is changing irrevocably. She will become more dependent on you, are you up for that? Will you be willing to deal with dementia or other physical infirmities? Urinary incontinence? Fecal incontinence? Will you have her die in your shared home?
If you have seriously considered all of these points then your siblings may be more willing to concede to your plans. In the end it is not up to them, if your mom is competent to make her own decisions it is between you and her. But remember that your sibs have made it clear they are not interested in hands on caregiving, so don't expect them to bail you out if you are in over you head.
Now, if your Mom is of clear mind and wants to return to her own home and she is able to do that, then she needs to take full responsibility for her decision. Hopefully she will decide yes when the time comes to hire outside help for her care, for the upkeep on the house, etc. Don't fall in the guilt/trap of a parent who refuses outside help.
If your mother entered a nursing home, would you and your siblings stop visiting her, stop loving her, stop advocating for her?
If this is your mother's phrase, you need to correct it. If it's what you are thinking, you need to understand that what occurs in a good nursing home is a level of professional care that is simply not available at home. Ongoing monitoring of weight, bp, oxygen saturation, lung and bowel sounds. In house dental, audiology and optometry. Specialized diet. Consults with ot, pt and spech. And on, and on and on. When my mother is ill, she doesn't have to get dresssed and go out in the cold, wet Northeast winter to be seen by a doctor.
My mom lived fully on her own at 81, even though she had lost most of her vision. I spent most of my weekends with her but didn't come to live with her until she suffered a severe case of sciatica when she was 90. I was her daughter, friend and companion, but I never thought of myself as her caregiver even then, that came later. I just hope you really do understand what you are agreeing to.
My mom has had a series of health problems for over 2 1/2 years. She fell 2 years ago and broke some bones. I was told by the doctor that after a senior has a traumatic fall they tend to go into cognitive decline.She's presently in a re-hab center after a brief hospital stay for an undefined illness. Now my three siblings want to put her into long term care. She does not want that and neither do I.
Of course your mom should be part of the conversation, as should you. But if mom has the beginnings of dementia, and if she's not eating properly at home, not getting enoufh socialization, medical monitoring and the like, it may not be a matter of what mom wants. It's a natter of what mom needs. If her cognitive skills have declined, she may not be able to see the "big picture" any longer.
My mom does not have dementia. She does not want long term nursing care.
She wants to come back home. I know her. She's not happy being away from home. Her state of health depends a lot on her state of mind. I'm fighting to prevent a major injustice to my mother. Can someone help me help her.
Who is mom's POA? Have you spoken to her doctor, or to the discharge planners about who is recommending long term care and why?
But here's the thing. If the rehab doesn't geel that she will be adequately care for at home (her care is beyond what can be provided in a home setting), they might advise your siblings to seek guardianship. If you contest this, the judge, if your mom is found incompetent, may award guardianship to a third party.
It is altogether the best thing to do in this sort of situation to try to come to terms with why your siblings believe mom would be better cared for in a NH.
I wanted my mom to make me POA but her poor health kept us from getting that done.
Time is most important here. Get to the attorney immediately and with your moms help get things changed. Then, you can take her home and resume her care yourself. When the time comes you need help and want to place her in a home for care, you will be able to do it. The attorney can help you cover all the bases for now and in the future.
Good luck to you, hope this helps. Please keep us posted on the outcome as it helps others going through similar situations.
Why do say that I'd be doing my mother a disservice if my sole reason for keeping her at home is because she wants to stay there.
If the siblings haven't been visiting mom at home, why would they visit in the facility?
It sounds like they have a problem with you and think they are protecting mom ( in their opinion) from your inadequate care. Your mom had to sign the POA for sister to have it. Do you think she did this long ago or recently since she's been in the hospital? This might matter. If mom isn't able to make her own decisions and she signed it recently then it wouldn't be valid. If she signed it long ago then the sibs might have a stronger case. If she just legally signed it for sister then she could rescind it and sign one for you. If you get a copy you will know. Remember they want something from you so use should be able to get a copy.
All the points of view are valid about how hard it is to care for someone who needs more than one person can handle. But many many people live out their lives in their own homes. Right now if your mom doesn't want to go, SHE can stop it. If she isn't able to express herself, then the sister who has the POA makes the decisions. Even if mom decided to go to the home, as long as she is mentally competent she can change her mind and go home UNLESS they get guardianship. Ask yourself why they would be doing this? Even if they are wrong, they probably think they are protecting your mother. People have very different and very strong opinions about this subject. Some won't like the temp at your house, or feel it isn't clean enough or feel you bring in rough characters they don't want to be around. Or your children are a problem, or you are using moms money for your own benefit, Mom isn't clean. There's an odor. It can be anything. Sometimes they are right. Sometimes they aren't. Sometimes these very conditions exist in whichever facility is chosen. We on this forum don't know. We can only tell you. Mom has rights and can call the shots as long as she is competent. The POA MIGHT override mom if she is no longer competent. You should consider help but You don't have to answer their demands. Especially when they refuse to be honest and upfront with mom. You need a heart to heart with mom, an elder attorney and a realistic examination of your abilities to take care of yourself and mom. If you do take her home and it doesn't work out, you can always find a facility at that point when you are both ready. Remember to breathe and seek the best outcome for mom. Your siblings could be trying to help you as well since they have already decided they aren't care takers, they can't imagine that you could be. The possibilities are endless.
I was told that the POA was done in 2009. Should I still ask to see it before providing my siblings with any of the paperwork or should I not give them anything at all?