I have had to “take in” a sibling due to the death of a parent. He is 67 and doesn’t want to engage in anything other than being alone and watching TV. He currently has type2 diabetes - he takes glipizide but doesn’t watch what he eats or care about his glucose. He is self sufficient as far as ADL’s, for the most part. He is having difficulties with speech especially and I finally got him to see a neurologist - much time to get the appt and much cajoling to get him there. Now he is refusing to go to his MRI for his brain. So - I have tried to tell him he could possibly find out the reason he is having issues and get treatment. My husband and I are getting exhausted trying to reason with him and tell him we cannot have him in our home if he gets worse, considering we are 10 years older than him. The neurologist also wants him to see a psychiatrist for depression - he is refusing that also. How can I possibly encourage him? I need a diagnosis if he needs assisted living. Half of the time he acts ok and can speak , other times it seems difficult. I’m not sure he doesn’t exaggerate to put us in the situation to care more for him than necessary. I try to be kind and encouraging , but he honestly exhausts me with his excuses from “ my hair is too long, I look bad, I can’t talk, I don’t want to put on a hospital gown, etc”. Of course he doesn’t want to go get his hair cut! Any suggestions would be appreciated . I can’t just throw him out until other housing becomes available - he has no friends and I’m the last relative.
Another option if you are POA or Guardian withdraw from either of those roles. You may have to go to court or at least see an attorney. He would then become a Ward of the State.
If you continue as Guardian or POA I do not see this situation getting better.
What happens when he can not do ADL's and fights you on issues. You say you and your husband are 10 years older than your brother. That can be a HUGE issue later.
Simple answer to that, sadly: You can't.
And I think you already knew the answer to your only question.
You're the second post I've come to this a.m.--mirrors of one another in that you've put yourselves in harm's way, and now want to know how to get out of the tracks quickly enough to avoid the train. When someone comes to us thus late in the game there just isn't a lot we can do.
You've taken in an adult. Nowhere do you tell us this person is developmentally disabled? Is he? Because he was prior to this with your parents. And if he is, are you and hubby really saintly enough to put your own life up for sacrifice?
You say you have "had to" take him in, but you DIDN'T have to; you chose to. And there's just no way to help the drowning man without risking being pulled under by him; which is why lifeguards have to be so carefully trained before they are allowed to do rescue work with the public.
It's late in the game now. All I can say is that you've painted yourself into a corner by making your own home LEGALLY his home. And from what you say (is he even WORKING?) it sounds as though he isn't capable of getting another.
You and husband may need the advice of a social worker in private counseling practice AND an elder law attorney, perhaps even eventually the advice of an eviction attorney. I cannot imagine housing for your brother magically appearing on the horizon. I can't imagine getting him to diagnosis. I sadly CAN imagine, with his diabetes--it destroys every system of the body inevitably-- more problems on the way.
I can only advise you get expert advice after sitting and discussing options with your husband, recognizing that you have made a mistake, and trying to find a way out of this labyrinth.
Truly, today, after reading some posts here I feel hopeless and helpless. I keep telling people "You did the wrong thing" and "I can't imagine a way out" and "Your post serves as a warning to others". I feel cruel; it isn't what I want here to do. I keep saying "I am sorry" and "I wish you the best". And I feel so without answers.
Truly Dix, I hope SOMEONE here has a solid answer that can help you.
Other than that, I hope, with time, you will come to some sort of answer, or of some peace with there being so few good answers out there.
My best to you. I hope you will update us; I hope you find a way.
I failed to check your profile and missed that you took your brother in knowing he has dementia.
Unfortunately that changes things, as he really is unlikely now to be able to make decisions on his own and in his own best behalf.
I see that there have been issues at least from mid-year 2023 with incontinence.
Are you thinking you can go on with this care indefinitely? Is placement at all on the horizon of your thinking?
He does not need to see a neurologist or psychologist. My Mom got cognitive testing through her primary physician (first a mini cog test: remember 3 words, draw a clock face); then this primary wrote an order to see the OT for a MoCA test (30 questions to assess executive functioning aka judgment). I tricked her into going. This same primary doc, after giving my Mom her free Medicare annual wellness exam was then able to prescribe Lexapro for her depression and it helped her a lot. I'm just suggesting this since it may be an easier and less expensive pathway for your sibling, if you can get him to do it.
He may have aphasia due to TIAs, for which there is no treatment except maybe PT/OT but again he has to be willing to go. It's not your job to drag a lifeless uncooperative body to get treated. You can't want it for him You will exhaust yourself.
Best thing is to move him out. You don't discuss it with him. You make the arrangement, he pays for it, you help him move. Never take him back in no matter how much he whines. And he will whine.
If you are not his PoA you will have less and less ability to legally act on his behalf. He will eventually be assigned a legal guardian by a judge and then all his needs and decisions will be someone else's responsibility. This is a valid solution, if you accept it as such. It worked for my SFIL and our family when he was in denial or his Parkinsons, wouldn't accept help, was broke, but did nothing to help himself, either. He went into a facility thanks to the guardian and then we were free from his care burden.
Apparently that is listed in the profile, which I had failed to read before commenting.
We have another post from August 2023 from OP as well, in which there is mention of severe bedwetting problems for her brother.
So we are looking now at full care needs, and likely the brother is no longer capable of making decision in his own behalf from what I can see.
Why did brother live with your parents? Did he already have challenges? Special needs? I am 75 and I would not take on a 67 year old showing signs of dementia. I have a 34 year old nephew with physical challenges and neurological problem. He can live on his own. But I oversee him. He will probably have Dementia sooner than later. When that happens, I will need to give up his care to the State. I will not be able to have him live with me or do the care he will need. I have told my girls that if I am gone when this happens, they are not to feel guilty about the State taking over his care.
Neither under the listings of subject nor in the body of this does the OP talk of dementia.
Having read that Floyd not only has dementia, but severe bedwetting as well, we come to understand this is full on caregiving for someone who well may live another decade or more.
I can't see this as sustainable.
Dixcasa, can you please tell us more about the diagnosed dementia and how long the brother has had it?
With his dementia he is likely not to understand nor agree to his testing, and really is in no place to be in charge of those decisions.
Do you have POA for your brother?
Is this early onset dementia and is that the reason he had moved in with your now deceased parents?
Is there a reason you have not applied to Medicaid and placed your brother in in-facility care and have instead decided to take him into your home?
Get him into a group home, as suggested, or memory care AL. You just cannot continue caring for him at your age and that's that. Look into Medicaid if he has no funds.
Best of luck.
You get use to them overtime, if possible ask if they can allow you to plug your own music or what not into their sound system. Place I got let's you bring your entertainment and give you special headphone's.
For my MIL they allowed us to talk to her via the booth while she was getting her MRI. Which helped a lot, she still moved and had to restart twice due to movement but it worked out in the end.
With MS you know exactly what and why you are having an MRI, and you are probably a lot younger. I’m glad if it’s easier! Yours, Margaret