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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
No, you don’t “need” to take care of anyone and everyone when you have chronic pain yourself. Who put this responsibility on you? Why would you accept it? You and your husband (if you love him and he’s nice to you) should be your only concerns.
Of course we want to help relatives that we love. I understand that you want MIL to have good care. But some things are beyond human endurance and ability. This is one of them. Your husband and his mom “need” to find care for her. They won’t know that unless you tell them. Better do it soon. Good luck to you.
Since having cancer, chemo and then a year recovering from major foot/ankle surgeries, I a, in some level of pain everyday, all day.
I'm NOT the super strong woman I used to be.
Caving to chronic pain had made me feel 'less than' but I still do a LOT.
HAving to take care of my DH with his various health issues has been hard. When his mom went into Hospice Care I bowed out--before I could even be asked to help. I don't get along with her, and I knew that even 4 hrs a week of CG for her would have killed me, literally.
Stress does make pain worse. That's just a fact of life. And IDK how you can adequately care for someone when you yourself need help from time to time.
You care for your Dh by doing what you can and not doing what you can't. ANd you have MIL PAY for her own care, either in home or in a facility. It's that simple (and that hard).
Setting tight boundaries NOW before you get in over your head will save your sanity.
My DH and his sibs have not learned how to do this and spend too much time and energy on their mother, while she doesn't appreciate them and actually fights with them. I worry that one of the kids will crash and burn and MIL will still be ticking along.
Boundaries set a year ago would have forestalled the worst year ever--but they won't do it and frankly, it's too late.
Please don't be a martyr or a patsy. You can do a lot--you just can't do everything. Nobody can.
It's hard to tell by what you wrote in your profile if your MIL is living with you and your husband. I read it like she was. I understand wanting to care for your husband, but with your health issues you won't be able to do both, and obviously your husband comes before his mom, so she's either going to have to go live with another family member, or move into an assisted living facility on her dime of course. You DO NOT want to be in the statistics of the caregiver dying before the one(s) they're caring for do you? You MUST take care of yourself as you matter too.
I cared for my late husband for many many years and I developed fibromyalgia about 6 years ago now, and he's been gone just a little over 3 years, and I can tell you that because of all the stress I was under the last few years of his life, my pain was off the charts because of it. Stress DOES affect chronic pain that's a fact, so you must try and keep your stress to a minimum. And being a caregiver for both your husband and his mom will just be too much.
And I can tell you that since I no longer have to care for my husband, and I really have no major stress right now in my life(knock on wood)my pain is pretty much gone. In fact there are days when I forget that I even have fibromyalgia. So please take care of yourself and don't bite off more than you can chew.
Well Deb, or should I say Cinderella? how did the three of you elders decide which one was going to be the caregiver?
Statistics say the caregivers pass before the one they are caring for about 40% of the time. If 70 or over, the elderly caregiver dies about 70% of the time before the one they are caring for.
You posted under depression. No doubt.
Deb. Here is a link to a phone number for your area agency on aging. Contact them and see what services are available to help the three of you.
I am very sorry you and your family find yourselves in this position. There is help available but you will have to search it out and be willing to say yes when it is offered.
With already having chronic pain and stress yourself I don't think it is possible to become a caregiver. You give us no details, but from the little you say I would say this isn't going to work.
Hi Deb, If you are 65, how old is your husband Mike? What care does he need? What is your chronic pain problem? What limitations do you have because of it? Is Pat your MIL aged 83? Or is Mike 83, which is how it reads?
Deb, this sounds like a potential nightmare. It would probably be good to stay on the site and learn more before you take any major steps.
Just to help you around the site, on the top right of the screen for the site, you will see 'Care Topics'. Click on that, and you get an alphabetic list of many many topics that may help. There are many expert articles, old questions and old discussions on most topics. On the screen you will also see a magnifying glass for searching, which is another way into the information.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
No, you don’t “need” to take care of anyone and everyone when you have chronic pain yourself. Who put this responsibility on you? Why would you accept it? You and your husband (if you love him and he’s nice to you) should be your only concerns.
Of course we want to help relatives that we love. I understand that you want MIL to have good care. But some things are beyond human endurance and ability. This is one of them. Your husband and his mom “need” to find care for her. They won’t know that unless you tell them. Better do it soon. Good luck to you.
I'm NOT the super strong woman I used to be.
Caving to chronic pain had made me feel 'less than' but I still do a LOT.
HAving to take care of my DH with his various health issues has been hard. When his mom went into Hospice Care I bowed out--before I could even be asked to help. I don't get along with her, and I knew that even 4 hrs a week of CG for her would have killed me, literally.
Stress does make pain worse. That's just a fact of life. And IDK how you can adequately care for someone when you yourself need help from time to time.
You care for your Dh by doing what you can and not doing what you can't. ANd you have MIL PAY for her own care, either in home or in a facility. It's that simple (and that hard).
Setting tight boundaries NOW before you get in over your head will save your sanity.
My DH and his sibs have not learned how to do this and spend too much time and energy on their mother, while she doesn't appreciate them and actually fights with them. I worry that one of the kids will crash and burn and MIL will still be ticking along.
Boundaries set a year ago would have forestalled the worst year ever--but they won't do it and frankly, it's too late.
Please don't be a martyr or a patsy. You can do a lot--you just can't do everything. Nobody can.
When you have a chronic health condition, caring for your MIL seems like a poor choice.
What are her other options?
How much help do you have providing care to your husband?
I understand wanting to care for your husband, but with your health issues you won't be able to do both, and obviously your husband comes before his mom, so she's either going to have to go live with another family member, or move into an assisted living facility on her dime of course.
You DO NOT want to be in the statistics of the caregiver dying before the one(s) they're caring for do you? You MUST take care of yourself as you matter too.
I cared for my late husband for many many years and I developed fibromyalgia about 6 years ago now, and he's been gone just a little over 3 years, and I can tell you that because of all the stress I was under the last few years of his life, my pain was off the charts because of it.
Stress DOES affect chronic pain that's a fact, so you must try and keep your stress to a minimum. And being a caregiver for both your husband and his mom will just be too much.
And I can tell you that since I no longer have to care for my husband, and I really have no major stress right now in my life(knock on wood)my pain is pretty much gone. In fact there are days when I forget that I even have fibromyalgia.
So please take care of yourself and don't bite off more than you can chew.
Statistics say the caregivers pass before the one they are caring for about 40% of the time. If 70 or over, the elderly caregiver dies about 70% of the time before the one they are caring for.
You posted under depression. No doubt.
Deb. Here is a link to a phone number for your area agency on aging. Contact them and see what services are available to help the three of you.
I am very sorry you and your family find yourselves in this position. There is help available but you will have to search it out and be willing to say yes when it is offered.
Big hugs to you, Make that call today.
https://www.westalabamaaging.org/alabama-area-agencies-on-aging
Deb, this sounds like a potential nightmare. It would probably be good to stay on the site and learn more before you take any major steps.
Just to help you around the site, on the top right of the screen for the site, you will see 'Care Topics'. Click on that, and you get an alphabetic list of many many topics that may help. There are many expert articles, old questions and old discussions on most topics. On the screen you will also see a magnifying glass for searching, which is another way into the information.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=recent
Be sure to read all the comments too which contain lots more tips about becoming a caregiver.
Good luck to you