With the Thanksgiving, and possibly Christmas, holidays coming up, my husband and I were thinking of possibly going out to dinner with my daughter who lives with us rather than preparing a huge meal at home. Two of our three children are out of state, and due to various circumstances, won't be coming home for the holiday, which is totally fine and we understand and respect that. My dilemma is my 90 year old father, who is currently living in an assisted living facility. He is pleasantly confused and incontinent. He wears Depends, but argues, and refuses usually, about getting up to go the the restroom to try and go every hour or so, but then ends up totally blowing through them and making a catastrophic mess all over the place including chairs, the floor, all over the place in public waiting rooms, and then I have to drive him home when he is covered with this mess. The thought of having to bring an entire set of clothes with me and trying to get him cleaned up and redressed in a public restroom every time I have to take him some where is not worth the stress. Even getting him to doctor's appointments just isn't worth the stress it causes me. At a recent appointment, he took himself to the restroom, had a bowel movement that came up his back and out the top of his pants, all over every where in the bathroom - which had to be totally shut down until they could get it cleaned up - and then came out and sat in one of the chairs in the waiting room like that. Any time he floods out his pants, he refuses to get cleaned up and just argues that he is fine and that it will dry. I feel like a total loser for just wanting a nice, calm, pleasant day out with my family for a change. What is a daughter to do?
".. a polite reminder it is time to get cleaned up".
Yes.
If you are the caregiver, state "It's time" or "Come with me" & lead to the bathroom.
If this is your chair. The choice is sit on the towel or do not sit there.
If this is their home & their chair. Time to leave.
I hope you understand this now after the experience you recently had.
There is NO reason nor necessity of you putting yourself through this turmoil and stress. Why are you? Once you experience this . . . you've been alerted ... you do not repeat the behavior for a second time for it to happen.
Do not include him in a restaurant / outing. Instead, have a gathering before thanksgv day with the immediate family. Pick up Whole Foods hot meal (turkey) and enjoy the day with him. He's in assisted living. They will provide something to him - and likely the family if you sign up a head of time.
That he refuses or makes a fuss about going to a bathroom is enough of an alert to you - of what may / likely happen. Do you really want to put yourself and your family, and your dad through this? No.
And, perhaps stop insisting or trying to get him up every hour or so to go to the bathroom. There comes a time when they need to 'just go' and to allow that to happen.
You say so yourself "... it is not worth the stress." He's 90. Get good bed pads, perhaps double up on the depends... do what you need to do. Stop stressing over this - if you want to enjoy your intimate family dinner out - make reservations soon!
Gena
Touch Matters
I don't think it can be a clear cut yes or no (invite or not). Each case will differ. Personalities differ, people's values differ, ability/willingness to help (self & others) differs too.
ACaringDaughter had an unexpected night - a bright spot of happiness. That was a beautiful story 😊
Velbowpat also had an unexpected night 😳 but handled it with grace, grit & that perfume!
To be a geek about it.. I suppose the probability of a blowout + being 'happy' to deal with it + probability of others helping may = invite or not.
When the risk was smaller & I took my LO out alone. But after a similar experiences in small bathrooms, I re-assessed.
Then attended larger gatherings where others had said they would help.
When I drilled down to what this 'help' would be.. you guess it. Umm, well, silence..
It still makes my blood boil to think about when a family member said (from atop their moral mountain) 'family helps family'. Yet when I asked Who? Oh not ME, not her, not them etc etc... just left ME!
It was up to me to decide if I WAS the designated caregiver or not. Not for others to place me there for their own convenience.
If yes, then take a cleanup kit & a can-do attitude. Deal with whatever.
If not (& that's ok) clearly say so.
These are what the OP has to decide for herself.
- Does being a daughter make her automatically the caregiver?
- Is she ok being Dad's caregiver when out in public anymore?
Once I decided, my thoughts & life became easier.
Fil had a walker. He could not manage the one stair needed to get to our table, so we had to go through the kitchen. Had he needed the bathroom, he would have had to get to it the same way.
I appreciated both of your stories because I have been in your shoes.
My mom pooped her pants at a wedding and I have had to help oldies with potty issues at holidays. My point I guess is everyone was upset with me when I said maybe these people shouldn't attend these events. They said I shouldn't worry because they would be there to help me. True to form they were not. There I was
wiping my mom's private area in a tiny bathroom stall with poop all over her backside and clothing. Of course it smelt terrible and I grabbed the spray bottle of my favorite perfume in my purse and dosed us both. Thank God I thought to bring it.
I have had to clean powder room "accidents" that were full on bowel movements and then be told to hurry up and serve the Christmas ham. Everyone in my family cooks very well and they could have got things started while I was occupied...but no. I insisted that my parents not go to my son's graduation because they would whine that everything is taking too long. My son deserved to be the center of attention on his day. My sibling almost decked me over that, had my husband not stepped in I am not sure what would have happened. I would have lost some teeth. To ACaringDaughter I already am that person who steps up, does her best,
turns on the charm, thinks about other people often to my own detriment. But now I have put myself and my family into the equation and what we want comes first.
Many of my relatives were also nowhere to be found when needed. (They travelled at the speed of light, however, when it was time to get their inheritance).
For me, the best support came from friends, not my siblings, as I had expected. I have become very close to some of these dear friends since and regard them as family.
My kids were also surprisingly wonderful, even though they were fairly young.
I understand your pain well. Just don’t give up on all opportunities. Don’t lose hope in mankind. There are still plenty of great people around.
We can also try to be that person for others.
Personally I try to avoid Wal-Mart because I have a problem with them being so against their employees unionizing. The human rights violations bother me too. Get a Costco membership if you've got one near you. Those stores are beautiful and your conscience won't bother you.
As for Black Friday. I'm not willing to risk my life to save 25 cents on some paper towels. It's all about Cyber Monday. All the same deals only online and no one is going to roll you in the parking lot.
Speaking of which, I wonder if they'll be doing the Black Friday deals this year in store for a few hours. It was interesting (and sad) watching people battle over low priced TVs.
getaway. So we can have a few days just enjoying ourselves. No cares. No worries.
Haven't quite worked everything else out yet.
Now let's talk hardware. A regular Depend pull-up or some other kind cannot contain the your father's incontinence. He needs to be put in a full diaper with an additional liner in it every time he is taken out from the AL. Everywhere he goes with you has to be planned. Like what will the clean-up situation look like if needs be? What's the bathroom like? What will you have to travel with?
I think it would be a good idea for you that when you're taking him to the doctor or on a planned outing somewhere to hire a CNA caregiver to go with you. Go through an agency because Medicare will usually pay for a certain number of aide hours a week if a person needs them. Make his doctor's appointments and plan his outsings during the aide's hours. It will take a load of stress and anxiety off of you to have someone else there to help.
Holidays is about time spent with family. We all get to make the choice of what that means to us.
And… we all have to accept that if we live long enough we might wind up maybe even confused, incontinent and soiled, ourselves, alone on the holidays while our loved ones celebrate without us nearby.
The time has simply come
It sounds to me that it may be time to give up on taking Dad out of his living facility. He can no longer manage it and you certainly don't need all that stress. Arrange for doctors who can visit him in his facility as much as possible. The facility probably has a list of doctors who will make visits there.
Suggestion, you three can dress up as turkeys and visit the assisted living home before you go out to dinner....................bring some laughter to these fine folks who are living in unpredictable circumstances. Go to dinner and enjoy your new chapter where the whole family no longer shows up for the big holidays.....time marches on and waits for no one.
So, I looked up what the diet for Irritable Bowel Syndrome was--it's the low FODMAP diet. Basically, eliminating all gluten- or lactose-containing foods, as well as limiting or omitting certain fruits (such as apples, watermelon, and prunes) and vegetables (like onions, garlic, and celery, of all things) that have a high fructose or sugar alcohol content. I was willing to try anything, so we tried this diet, switching to gluten-free breads and pastas (and her favorite, waffles), lactose-free dairy products, plant-based milks. We removed the biggest culprits among fruits and vegetables, and stopped adding onions or garlic to foods. We also added two probiotics (Florastor and BioK+)
And the diet worked! She has now been on that diet for about a month (and because of the way we have substituted foods, she didn't really notice the change). She is still somewhat incontinent, and goes more frequently than normal, but the amounts are very small (no more blowouts at all) and farther between. Rather than having to clean her every hour, we can now wait three to four. So, you might consider whether your dad has a food sensitivity.
That said, we are caring for my aunt in my home, so we have 100% control over the food we serve her. I know from experience that trying to go gluten- and lactose-free in an AL facility would be nearly impossible. Even so, I thought it would be worth sharing our story.
she is fully aware and was beyond embarrassed by the whole ordeal. I am taking to to a previously scheduled drs appointment today and some of the posts here have given me an idea of what questions to bring up (meds, foods) for which I am grateful.
it sounds like your father is at a point where, as many have suggested, having a separate celebration with him at the facility, either private or one put on at the facility, would be your best bet.
I wish I could offer some advise but I can only offer my support and thank you for asking the question.
I hope you have a great holiday season and get to celebrate twice for each!
Most AL's have a doctor that can see patients in their AL apartment. They draw labs, they have portable xray machines, etc. I would check into that so that you don't have to take him out for routine visits. If he has some unusual procedure and has to go out of the facility to have it done, then you can deal with that as needed.
Also, let the doctor know about these bathroom incidents.