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My father abused me as a child. I have "forgiven" as much as I can. I have been his care manager for the past four years from 2,500 miles away. He is in assisted living, gets wonderful care, is being seen by hospice nurse, doctor, chaplain, and social worker. I "talk" with him on Skype a couple of times a week. He's awake only 3 hours a day. I am grateful for his good care and that he will not die alone, but I feel no desire to be with him. Any thoughts?

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It seems that you have done a terrific job of providing you dad with care and supervision despite the distance. You are to be commended for your selflessness in view of the abuse you suffered as a child. Ask yourself the question: Do you want/need to see him one last time before he dies or could you use the time and money to wrap up his final arrangements from your location? Would you be going to see him out of love, guilt or some other emotion? Search your heart and do what is best for YOU now. You have done everything that is best for HIM already.
Hugs
Sherrie
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smonett--your questions are very thought-provoking. I think I need a day to seach my heart and come up with the right answer. My dad's final arrangements have all been made--cremation forms have been signed, niche in the columbarium purchased and paid for. His best friends are snowbirds and wouldn't be available for a service until spring, so there's no hurry to do a memorial service. I've already started writing an obituary. Thank you for allowing for my needs, since his are being met. I appreciate your response.
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The parent/child dynamic is a sometimes volatile one. If we told anyone that a spouse had abused us, we would say that you should distance and protect yourself from this person. However, when it is a parent, society seems to think that we somehow "owe" them something just because they gave birth to us.... even if they are not good parents, or, worse yet, abused their child.
You have done the humane thing by seeing to this sick man's needs. You need not do more, unless you feel it would "free" you from him.
Otherwise, you have gone above and beyond...now let him and the baggage go.
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Lilliput, what a wonderful image your response inspired."Let him and the baggage go..." I immediately pictured my dad trudging off, carrying his suitcase, with all my hurts, pains, disappointments, and tears inside. Wow, what a great image! Thank you so much! That means more to me than you can possibly imagine!
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Lilliput you're right when you said that society seems to believe that an adult kid should 'owe' something to their parent. After all, that parent gave birth to them right? Well what about the parent owing something to their children? They owe their kids safety to NOT be abused, they owe their kids unconditional love, and when it comes to those same kids telling them that they've been abused, they owe those kids by believing them. It works both ways I think. So Meiho, if your conscious is clear in not seeing your father before he dies, then you have to let that go too. You did the right thing by him, and that seems to be a much better part than what he played in your life.
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How will you feel when he is no longer there to talk to? Your the only one who can answer that question. I too was long distance to both of my parents who I dearly loved even when others would put my father down,I still loved him, he was my father as well as my mom. It shows respect for your father if you can make it. If you can't and you are ok with that,then you are the one who has to deal with it. I hope you can go,for you
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Gosh this is a tough one. I can only tell you what I would do. If you can afford the time and money, then go. Better to regret doing something than NOT doing it. You might find closure which I suspect is what you are seeking. You might also want to forgive him. I don't know how cognisant he is but he might ask for forgiveness. I hope you find what is best for you to do. Bless you.
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I was repeatedly abused as a child. When I made it out of the house and went to college I created distance in part to prevent more of the same. As an adult I've been able to address what happened in a new and healthier way; though the memories are sad today, they no longer carry the same devestating impact. One legetimate consequence an abuser faces is the alienation of family. At the same time, facing death in isolation is a painful way to go. If there's risk of more abuse or trauma, that could be sufficient gounds to stay away. If the healing has taken root and I no longer have the same vulnerabilities, then I might be capable of one final charitable act. There might or might not be a last effort at reconciliation, but that wouldn't be the point. There's just a great deal to be said in favor of not letting someone else's awful conduct be the last word or the last memory.
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I agree with the comments all to a certain degree. The fact alone that you are even thinking about it tells me you have not totally forgiven or maybe he has not said I'm sorry in which you think you have forgiven him. Although it was not a parent that violated me in one way or another I have had times where the person that offends will never admit to doing wrong and ask for forgiveness. The bible tells us it's our job to forgive, will we forget, no, will they accept, who knows, but we are commanded to forgive. We grow from the situation, that can be for the good or the bitter. Even if the forgiveness seems so one sided remember God knows and he releases us from any burden or guilt from that time on. Therefore, I need to ask, do you need closure? Do you need that one last hug and tell him you love him face to face? Search hard and seek God, as once the decision is made you can't take it back.
My mom died under hospice care in November 2009 but she died with us kids (9 out of 10, one had just left from thanksgiving break and returned to his state) and some grandchildren around her. Hospice is good but it's not family. Good luck.
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I can answer you by what my husband did. He was put in and out of foster homes and homes for homeless children after being taken away from his mother who was drunk most of the times. When his mother became ill he was unsure what he felt toward her. He spent three weeks at her side when she was getting close to passing away. He was confused and wasn't sure if that is where he wanted to be as he didn't know if he really loved her. My advice to him was that even though there were alot of hard feelings she is still your mother and the only one you have. His is glad to this day he was there when she drew her last breath. He also took her ashes to the ocean where she wanted to go. Search your heart and don't let anyone else sway you. Your heart will know the answer and you will make the right decision for you. No one is perfect and we all have faults but forgive and go on knowing that you are the better person. My sympathy for you and your family but hang in there and be strong. Do what is right for you. :)
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Bless your heart. You answered your own question. Once you have forgiven-which is freeing for YOU-you can move into accepting your own decisions about your relationship with your Dad. You seem to be a reasonable person in search of approval? You and only you can know what you truly want to do. Are you in couseling? I suspect so if you have forgiven him. If not, it may help you-even later. There is no right way to handle this-its a tough situation. Do not fret over what is appropriate in the eyes of others-you have done well to forgive. Now move on. If you are the type that falls easily into regret;you may want to consider the trip. Some times the end of life for those who are suppose to love us seems to be surrounded by obligatory sadness and boohoos;since the qaulity of your relationship has been at a distance his last days are not the time to change it or give some last ditch effort. Not to sound cold, but I understand where you're coming from. The best to you-you're in my prayers-new41
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I am so impressed by the thoughtfulness of everyone's responses. It has given me much to think about. One thing I should make clear is that perhaps I placed too much emphasis on the past abuse in my initial message. I have been through counseling which helped me put that all behind me. My father never admitted to it, but I know what happened. I've put it in the context of the rest of his life and have moved on. But even after that, we have never been close, geographically or emotionally. He did not attend my wedding because he said the man wasn't right for me and the marriage would not last. (We will have our 42 anniversary this year.) He apologized to me for that, as well as to my husband several years ago. I have told my father the things that I do appreciate about him and thanked him. He has thanked me for looking after him when he got involved in financial scams, etc. I kept him from going bankrupt, found him a good place to live, paid all his bills. I have no regrets. For me, that's the bottom line. I will continue to gather information about his condition and consider everyone's response. Thank you to everyone.
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newatthis--perhaps you are right, that I am seeking approval. But you are also right that each family situatio is different, and only the people involve know the whole story and act on complete information. My cousin just called me. We reviewed how he and his family dealt with deaths, and though he made a different decision and is happy with it, he expressed his strong support for my past actions and faith in my ability to make the appropriate decision now. That was meaningful to me, just as the comments from everyone here have been thought-provoking and meaningful. I appreciate everyone's kindness, nonjudgemental attitude, and insights.
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The normal way to go is to try to be with a parent (or any relative in the immediate family) who is in their final days; only a positive impediment would normally prevent that. Financial hardship or constraints are definitely relevant factors; seeking approval and being inclined to fall into regret are considerations that take on secondary significance. It's good to hear that the abuse factor has been worked through and resolved; the real presumption then becomes not "Should I go?" but "Why shouldn't I go?" It also sets the example if you have kids of your own, who might be in your shoes one day down the road. You have my prayers and best wishes.
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Here is a (((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))) and God be with you for the strength you find to continue helping assist your dying Dad. If you have been called that his death is near, and think he can respond to you with any type "closure" in this situation, I'd go. If not, his funeral will be next, you can attend then.
I hope this helps, as it is never easy coming to grips with how loved ones negatively treat of have been treated in past. You dad could have had a chemical imbalance of his brain. The main thing and focus should be how you will live your life from here on out, and the respite you will find in knowing your dad has been cared for until his death. You did your best.
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Lilliput, the best answer I have seen in a long time. You are right on the nail. Thanks
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The 'shouda, woulda, coulda' (s) in life sometimes have a way of coming back upon us. Though you likely have already done so, you might wish to again fully explore your own mind and heart to determine if the possibility of a future softening attitude might at some point cause you to wish you'd seen him.

Due to very real similarities, I really do know where you are at. In the end though, my Dad didn't give me a choice. He chose to go off alone and (probably) die by starving himself. Selfish to the end. Inasmuch as even at his end he (obviously) attempted to inundate me with yet another form of abuse, I've never regretted not being with him when he chose to die. Unlike you though, I was never offered the opportunity to try yet again to be there in the event he wanted to vacate his historic character and attempt to make amends. (Which I would have gladly accepted.)

A hard choice, Meiho. Your answer will be found when you come to grips not with what you SHOULD do, but with how YOU will handle things throughout the years to come. For this purpose only, YOU are important, not him.

V
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That is a question only you can answer. As an RN I have had many family members tell me. please do not call me until after they pass. Many do not even come to services.

You must make a decision on what is important to you and live with that decision. If you are not close and this passing is not going to have any affect on your life, then do not go.
If you need closure of some sort, then, of course, do what is important for you.
Do not do anything out of obligation or societal expectation. IT will not solve anything and may only cause you anger and resentment.
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Yes, I would go. If it were me, knowing what I know now about what happens to our thoughts after someone dies, I would go.
Do it for YOU, not him. You'll be glad that you did. Believe me when it's over, it's over. There's no more changing your mind. You can wash your hands of the entire situation AFTER he's gone.
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DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE I'M SURE. I HAD ALWAYS SAID I WOULD NOT VISIT MY DAD WHEN HE WAS DYING AND THAT I WOULD NOT GO TO HIS FUNERAL, AS HE NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR ME AS A CHILD OR AS AN ADULT. HE HAD LIVED OUT OF STATE FOR MOST OF MY LIFE, BUT CAME BACK "HOME" WHEN HE HAD LITTLE TIME LEFT. I STRUGGLED ABOUT WHETHER I SHOULD VISIT HIM OR NOT. I DID GO VISIT HIM ONCE WHEN HE FIRST MOVED TO A NURSING HOME CLOSE BY, AND AGAIN WHEN I GOT THE CALL THAT HE WASNT GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT. I WENT FOR MYSELF NOT FOR HIM. WE DIDN'T HAVE AN EARTH SHATTERING MOMENT OR ANYTHING,OR CATCH UP ON THE PAST 40 YEARS. IT JUST KIND OF WAS WHAT IT WAS. I THINK I JUST WANTED TO BE SURE I HAD NO REGRETS. WHAT EVER YOU DO, DO IT FOR YOU!
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Go to him. You won't regret it later..
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I think you have been given some great advice in the responses you have received...the baggage one is especially a good!! You should do what you feel is comfortable to you and your family...you have done all you can to make his last days good and free of worry (you taking care of all the financial, medical etc) So.....free yourself!
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If you can afford it, going to see him may be a healing thing to do. The main thing is that if you do go to see him, then you've done all you can to heal. If you don't, you may later wish you did and it will be too late. In the end, only you can decide, but those are my thoughts.
Take care,
Carol
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Whatever decision you make will be the right one. It really will. Peace to you in the days and weeks ahead.
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I think you have done an amazing job. Now it is time for you. Do what you think will bring you peace. If that means you 'have' to be there and say your 'goodbyes' then do so. If you think it is already 'done' in your head and heart then fine. It is now your turn to do what fits and feels right for you. You have done enough by anyone's idea, but only you can say if you 'need' to attend the actual funeral etc. Good luck.
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Thanks for everyone's thoughtful answers. I will have to go to Michigan when my dad dies to take care of "business" since I am the trustee. I'll have to clean out his room so that the AL facility can bring in a new resident. I spent a month last summer moving him from an apartment, getting him settled at the AL, taking care of over 100 years worth of family photos, paperwork, etc. (I still don't have everything handled!). All of his cremation and burial plans have been made and paid for. I'll have a memorial service once his best friends return from Florida (they are snowbirds but don't have enough money to make more than one trip back to Michigan). His church is aware of the plans, all the papers have been signed, etc. That leaves the issue of "closure" with him. I'm going to have a Skype conversation with him in the morning. I'll get a better sense then of how he's doing and what my next step should be. I talked with the hospice social worker for a long time today, and also got a report from one of his church friends who says he is in bed most of the time, almost nonresponsive. She prayed with him, kissed him for me, told him I was thinking about him. He didn't respond. I did my emotional "closure" with him last summer because I didn't think I would see him again. Soooo, that's where things stand!
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dear meiho . my heart goes out to you , i know the frustraions of cleaning out a home . i too did that but its not done yet , i ll wait till at the end ,
hope you have someone to go with you , a real good friend for moarl and support , dont want to see you dealin it all alone .
you have a safe trip going and u will be glad u did see your dad once more , be cause if you didnt year s later u will wish u did and you cant go back to it . he s problay waitin on you to come , i have heard they do that , they hang on till he is satisfied knowing he wasnt alone .
keep in touch and be safe . xoxo
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I'm not planning on going back (at this point, but I may change my mind), until after he dies. I can see him on Skype (webcam). I appreciate the suggestion of someone to go with me if I do decide to see him. I spent a lot of time with him last summer and think that we got closure together then because I wasn't sure that I would see him again.
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Soooo, I take it that you will not be going to MI or FL to see him for the last time? Ummm. Ok, it's your call. I hope that you do not have any regrets later. I don't mean right away, but two, three or four years from now. Things have a way of winding themselves around.
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Meiho, do what you think is right. Don't let people make you feel bad if you don't go. My Dad passed three years ago, never had a relationship with him, he was verbally abusive to me as a kid and up until just before he died. I didn't even try to get to the hospital on time and I have never regretted it. Follow your heart, no one knows what you have endured. Good Luck.
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