My brother lived with my parents following his divorce about 15 years ago. He had a job as a caregiver at a group home, but he lost it due to problems with alcohol. He gave up drinking totally but soon became the primary caregiver for my dad, who began a 5 year spiral of three cancers, pneumonia, and dementia. My brother only worked part time, off the books, for a friend- but frequently missed even those days due to my parent’s doctor appointments and hospitalizations, my dad’s radiation treatments etc.
My dad was a “tipper”, he would slip my brother a few hundred here and there, and was always grateful, but my brother was never “paid” on any formal basis. He did have full use of my parents car, which he used to get to work, take them to appointments, do the grocery shopping etc..
My younger sister moved in 2-1/2 years ago. She works full time, and spends several hours a day at the gym- but she never helped out or paid a nickel in rent. Until my Dad died. She spent the week he was in hospice at home spreading rumors that my brother and I was “medicating him into unconsciousness and depriving him of fluids and food” but did not actually help or speak to hospice at all. The day he died, I returned home to my family- and immediately lost contact with my Mom. The phone was off the hook, and when I called her cell phone, it went to voice mail. I texted her- my sister replied “we are making important phone calls” 4 months later, my sister has my mom wrapped around her finger. She controls my mom’s finances, had gotten my mom to put our eldest brothers name on the bank accounts to replace the (different brother) who my dad had put in charge of finances. This eldest brother is autistic and she seems to be manipulating him. They have dinner with my mom every Sunday, they are always around when the (different brother) comes over to review my mom’s bank accounts…but the worst of it is, she has turned my mom against my caregiving brother. My mother has not paid him since my dad passed, my sister has made Dr appointments for her on the one weekday that my brother works. Convinced her to see specialist after specialist just to keep him running her around (in one month she has seen an ENT, been to urgent care twice, and since they didn’t do X-rays, insisted on being seen again in the ER for the same issue (shoulder pain)…visited her new GP, complained of migraines- and now is scheduled for MRI and MRA. Just for funsies, she is 85 and has had migraines all her life.
The last straw was when my brother was sitting in the ER with a very non-urgent mom, and saw the group chat between toxic sister and eldest brother and mom calling caretaker brother “the problem” for his “sh@$$y attitude” and “entitlement”. She suggested my mother take away the car keys, “as a start.”
I feel he has been taken advantage of financially and physically by my parents- he has a hernia from lifting my dad and is being discarded. He is so stressed out, he’s lost a ton of weight. He could live in with me but he doesn’t want to do that and give up the tiny bit he has in life- two rooms and his thrifted furniture. He still takes my mom everywhere, makes sure she eats, does all the lawn care (5 acres!) shovels the snow, takes up the garbage. She literally could not live there without him, because my sister doesn’t physically do anything. Advice please?
Am I correct that this post is about your cognitively fully-functioning brother and NOT your elderly Mom (who you say is taking advantage of him)?
Please know that no one can take advantage of your brother without his permission. You have no power in this situation, as difficult as it is to stand by and witness.
Who is PoA for your Mom? Is your Mom cognitively impaired? If not, again you have no power in this situation.
My father had said, vocally, many times, to various gatherings of siblings- that my Mom would have enough money to stay in their (large) house on (large) property for two years after his death, and that she would then need to sell the house and pay my brother $50k out of the proceeds, and let him have the car. They were all living very smoothly together- until the sister moved in 2-1-2 years ago. She hated my dads smoking and though that she “deserved” my brother two rooms in the (walk out) basement. She never paid a cent and begrudged every resource that went anywhere else- to the point of fighting with the autistic brother over leftovers from dinners I paid for and prepared. She was so envious, and my dad was such a generous soul, he couldn’t stand it. He complained that she wouldn’t even say good morning to him. He always said to anyone listening “make sure youse do the right thing. Take care of your brother”. So I guess the only real grief I have over my Dads death (he needed to rest) is really that he never made sure of that himself. And by leaving it to my Mom and us, my brother- who enabled my Dad to live peacefully at home to the end of his days, which was such a blessing to ALL of us- my Dad trusted the wrong people.
and my Mom turned out not to be appreciative at all. “You did that for your father, not me”.
I would work it out with an attorney. Consider seeing an elder law attorney for options.
Your brother is the only one that can change his situation and he does not seem to want to do that so there is nothing you can do.
If your mom is NOT competent she can not change a Will, appoint someone else as POA
(Is ANYONE her POA?)
If mom IS competent she can make any change she wants to.
(again if you suspect that she is being coerced into making changes you can file a report)
Again this is your brother's "fight" not yours.
My brother right now is planning to have some surgery he has been delaying for six years, while he still has Medicaid. Then come stay with me and get a job. I have an extra car, and there are more employment opportunities here. But for now he needs to stay in NYS for Medicaid.
Some siblings just come out of the woodwork to manipulate & control situations but don’t actually want to do any work themselves
I agree that you need to sit with an eldercare attorney to get the basics on what you and your brother's rights and restraints are. If cost is an issue, you might be able to call your county government and see if they have an "in" with the bar association which might make you eligible for a 15-20 initial consultation session.
Just curious... what is your relationship like with your Mother and sister at the present time? Who is Mom's PoA (which she can change at any time if she has not been declared incompetent by a physician (might be two physicians in NJ... I can't remember now)?
I realize that seeing him treated this way after he spent so much time and effort caring your parents is hard but there are somethings and people in life that you just can't control. Your sister and mother appear to be two of them.
Wishing the best for you and your brother in this painful section of life's journey. Please keep us updated.
In this meeting he tried to pose a hypothetical question, but as that proved too difficult with his autism, he just asked flatly- what would happen in (manipulative) sister bought the house for less than market value? Could another sibling challenge that? And then named me as the person they are worried about lol. Because I am into them, and they think I have money to burn.
* Make other arrangements for a care provider for your parent(s).
* Make sure all the legal documents are in order.
* Your brother needs to check himself into a facility if he deems he needs help. If not, I would recommend that he not be living with your parent(s). It is not a safe environment for them.
Gena / Touch Matters
He stopped drinking completely six years ago.
The only thing wrong with him is long-neglected medical issues- because he was so busy caring for my Dad- and the fact that he has lost 20 lbs since my Dad passed due to stress. He’s a kind and loving person, and he has been so shocked and betrayed by the way my mother has discarded him. My mom was very scornful of my Dad as he spiraled down, calling him “old man” at every opportunity, but getting furious when I referred to her as an “elderly widow”. She is 85! And she was angry. “I’m not old. I’m not helpless. Your father needed help, not me, your brother is free to go”- after 5 solid years of unpaid caregiving, “free to go” in poor health, with no income, and no car. Go where? She doesn’t care. Because my sister has convinced her that the two of them will be fine. Once she sells her the house for less than market value.
my brother is NOT the problem.
That's the only way to force a change of some sort.
Either the sister will have to step up and start doing something, or she and mom can hire a caregiver.
Only then will they see how valuable the caring brother has been. And if they don't, then he is never going to get the respect from them that he deserves.
I've read a few of the other answers here. If I'm reading your post correctly, it seems the autistic brother is Not the one who lives with mom. But another sibling, who is likely easier for the sister to manipulate.
If you really fear your mother is being taken advantage of, and needs someone to intervene on her behalf, you might ask Adult Protective Services to check on her.
If your mother is of sound mind, and she is allowing your sister control, there is nothing you can do. It is her life and her choice.
And it sounds like a toxic environment for the brother who wants to continue to live there and help mom. He may not wish to move, but it might be in his best interest to protect his emotional health and get out of that environment!
You can help him to get on his feet and live independently. Seems you've already offered him a place to stay. He needs to get a full time job and his own place to live away from controlling, toxic women.
Oh - and if Mom and sister do beg him to come back in a caregiver capacity, he needs to be paid, either privately or through an agency!
i am #4, and I am female, and live several hours away, and have a daughter who is still in high school, so I was able to come and care for my Dad during his final week on hospice, and generally visited once a month, but I can’t influence things up there, and have recently gone no contact with my Mom.
#5 is the caretaker, and his marriage ended because his partner went to jail, for abuse. He is very empathetic and seems to be vulnerable to narcissistic personalities like my Mom and sister. He stoped drinking six years ago, completely. He is not disabled, but has no recent job history and is almost 60 with no savings and no car if his own, so threatening to take the little he has is just …evil. He recently had his hernia repaired, but now needs further surgery and besides all the other obstacles to getting a job, including his age, is his need to keep Medicaid until he gets his own long-ignored health needs taken care of. But Mom, sis and #1 son are trying to harasse him out of the house. I live in a different state, so he can only
come here after he gets his issues fixed (genetic disorder that causes bladder and bowel issues- mom, two other siblings and I have all had the same issues- it’s not his fault. )