How can I plan for the care of my 40-year old son after my death?

This is an unusual circumstance. If he had Asperger's or had a schizoid personality it would help to explain his failure to launch. It can take special methods to help launch some personalities out of the nest so they can build their own lives. Your son is fortunate in having a mother with enough funds for him to live out his life without working. But I wonder if he finds any meaning in living.

Does your son have anything that he enjoys doing? Does he like raising plants or doing anything that there is a market for? I would spend this next couple of years trying to get him ready to launch from the nest if at all possible. It would be good for him and his siblings wouldn't see him as such a lost cause.

It is very hard for a mother not to enable her son. We often here that it is better to push them out of the nest -- fly or fall. But many mothers gather their offspring back in when they flounder. No, it's not good for them. But it is hard to watch them suffer.

Still I would do my best to launch him once more. I don't envy you.

He sounds depressed. He may need a new evaluation. Is he the youngest? Was he raised differently from how you raised the other children?

Maybe you are the one who needs to see a therapist to discover why you can't tell an otherwise healthy man to leave home and live? I know this sounds blunt, but I don't know of a really soft way of saying this.

My wife and I have a friend who is 65 with a 23 year old only son. He is intelligent in some ways, but lacks smarts in other ways. He doesn't work and lost the jobs because of poor work habits. He and his mom are very, very close and her husband is not emotionally supportive. She and her husband have no idea what to do for their so, but she can't ask him to leave e

When - may you live forever, but - you die, you will be in effect forcing him to leave, won't you? Forcing him to leave the comfy space under your wing, anyway. So you know it's going to happen. I would like to know what he thinks about his future. What does he say about this?

Also. You're 75 and still working. Okay, good for you - my mother worked into her seventies, too, and would have been climbing the walls if she hadn't had a job to go to. But apart from wanting to retire, advancing age will sooner or later force your hand. Never mind your son for a moment: what provision are you making for yourself?

You could consider the option of moving into a retirement apartment. You sell the family home, set aside the funds that will be required for your long term care, and anything left over you can put into an annuity or some such financial product to provide your son with an income. This would be a half-way house, bringing home to him that at some point you won't be there to (I'm trying to keep to neutral language) provide for him.

I'm sorry to hear that he won't engage in discussion. I dread to think what state his self-confidence is in. But the world will move on, whether he cares to talk about it or not. Anything you can do to make him wake up to that is in his best interest.

I'm curious. Why aren't you angry about the impact this is having on you?

Zoom, this is a difficult subject and this situation must be heartbreaking for you.

You say you've tried "counselors". Has your son ever had a psychiatric workup? Or a full better of psychometric and personality tests? Was a diagnosis made?

If you were to pursue one of these avenues, you (and the rest of the family) might have a better idea of what his issues are and what the best avenue is to help him gain some independence .

Your post reminds me of a young man who posted a few months back. He lived with his mother in her studio apartment. He'd never had a real job and had spent the 5 figure inheritance his father had left him on dvds. His mother had a stroke and was going to have to be in a facility for the rest of her life. Her apartment had to be sold to fund her care and "Scott" had no idea how or where he was going to live. So you are wise to think about your son's situation before "something" happens.

There are special needs trusts that you can set up, but of course, they need to be done by a lawyer. I would try to find out, mental health wise, what is going on with your son to see if he has a disability that would allow for one of these trusts. And of course, a proper diagnosis may lead to other treatment options like medication, specialized therapy or job training.

Best of luck to you!

I'm sorry to hear of the troubles you're having with your son. I can only speak to the trust, as my sister died almost 3 years ago and left money for me in a special needs trust. I'm not allowed to make, or be given money, as I'm on disability (SSI) so that is the only way that she could leave me anything. I can't give you a figure on the amount the attorney charged to do her will as the estate still hasn't closed and I haven't seen the bills. Might I suggest contacting the legal aid society in your area for help in drafting a will? I don't know if there are rules about how much money you make when asking for help though.

One thing I can say from my own situation is to choose the trustee wisely. When my sister had her will done she had just had brain cancer surgery and had suffered severe brain damage. The lawyer made himself the beneficiary of the estate and the trustee of my trust. It's been a nightmare and I would hate to see anything like this happen to anyone else.

I don't know if I'm allowed to add links here but there's a good article on types of trusts that might help you.

It's americanbar (dot) org. I'll try to add the link but it may not show up.
I wish you the best of luck with getting your son on his feet.

I just did some reading on Failure to Launch Syndrome. I was surprised to see how many people go through this. Since your son is already 40, ZoomHelp, and you have tried to hard to help him from the nest, it sounds like the trust would be the best alternative. What I really wish is that something could give your son the drive to get out and start his on life.

I can only relate the story of a friend. When her son graduated from college he moved into her house. She put up with it for a few weeks. then she packed his suitcase and set it out on the sidewalk.

That was it. He needed to fend for himself.

Other friends have given a small amount of start up money to their sons and told them to go out and have a life. It worked.

This is a ridiculous situation. That you are still working is also ridiculous. You should not be taking care of him; he should be helping you at your age!

Sadly, you now have to acknowledge that you played a part in creating and maintaining this situation. Your son will not talk to the therapist? That is called passive-aggressive and it can go on, as you now know, for decades.

You played a part int his BUT YOU CAN GET OUT OF IT. You are not stuck or locked in or trapped.

It is time for YOU to see the therapist. Engage the other family members, come up with a plan, relay on their strength (I am sure they are sick of his attitude), and set this son free. Maybe against his will at first--but set him free.

Now, just in case you are worried about what will happen to him, remember this: for every helpless man in the world, especially at his age, there are at least a dozen dumb women who want to "take care of him." He will be fine. Trust me on this one.

Excuse my bluntness, but you couldn't have crippled your son any more had you tied his legs together and let them wither away.

He desperately needs you to set a timetable for a job, start collecting room and board to the tune of 20% of his salary, and make him accountable for his share of household chores. That's 1-2-3. Give him ninety days for #1 and #2. For #3 he has til tomorrow after you've completed a list.

If he does not comply, evict him. Then the state and county will prepare him for life without you with a meager subsistence designed to keep him warm and fed.

You have enabled him because you haven't been strong enough to live with discomfort you know you'll feel when you insist your son grow wings and fly. I hope you can somehow find that strength and help your son have a life.

I certainly agree that your son needs a new physical and mental evaluation and right away! From what I'm reading, it certainly sounds like he has some type of mental illness. If he gets the right diagnosis, other doors will open to help him, such as supported living and supported employment.

This is a really hard situation, but I would say that if he refuses to be evaluated or go to therapy, start the eviction process now! That way, once he understands he has no other choice than to start taking steps to be independent, you will be there to support him as he gets started on his new life. It's just like when he was young, he will fall down but he can learn to get right back up again.

You have not done him any favors by letting this go on so long, but I kind of understand how you feel--I have a 24 year old son with Down and I still am having a hard time letting go of the desire to protect him and be in charge of every detail of his life, I, too, worry a lot about what will happen to him when I am no longer here; so I have to let him grow now so I know he will be OK later. He will always have a guardian and has a special needs trust, but he is learning to advocate for himself and to problem solve when he needs to.

Everyone above has given excellent advice. Please take one step this next week to start helping your son be independent (give him the choice to get checked out physically and mentally or contact a lawyer to start the eviction process). You are not doing yourself or him any good by letting this continue as is and you need to get yourself and your son some help right now. Peace and best wishes!

Definitely need to figure out if your son has some sort of undiagnosed disability, such as high functioning autism. If he does have a disability then he may be able to receive supports and services to help him be able to live independently. A special needs trust could be set up and if he needs a guardian, it is very important that you name a successor guardian. I am familiar with all this because I have a son who is lower on the autism spectrum. I also saw a situation with my husband's cousin who was not disabled but lived with his mother and she did everything for him. When she died his sister who was the mom's executor had an incredibly hard time dealing with the brother. If this is the situation then you need to discuss it with your other kids in planning your will, particularly if you are planning on leaving everything to be split among all your children.

Zoom, assuming there are no physical or mental difficulties with your son, you have in fact enabled him to live an irresponsible, juvenile lifestyle. That you're trying to help him now in anticipation of when you're no longer alive is somewhat ironic since the "help" you've given him for years has turned him into a liability.

Unless he's given demands as Maggie suggests, he's going to be a sponge all his life. The BEST thing you could do now is get psychological and/or psychiatric help for both of you to get out of the mess you've created.

Adding that it's not my intent to hurt you with caustic advice, but I think some bluntness is necessary for you to realize how crippling this relationship has become for both of you.

The best legacy you could leave your son is the knowledge and strength to learn how to care for himself.

Zoom, ask yourself if you have enough money to take care of yourself as you age. If you find yourself needing Assisted Living sooner than later, would you have enough funds to cover for the expense?

You worked hard for your savings, you should be able to use those savings for what you need, not what your son needs. Home to your son is like a comfortable old shoe, why should he move. Curious, what does your son do all day at home?

Your son should at least have a chore list, but I know it can be hard to light a fire under some to get them to help out.... some of us know that is how some spouses can be, too :P It's the why bother helping, you will do the chores anyway.

Start limiting what you do for your son. Stop paying for things he needs. Stop cleaning his room and bathroom, even if it become a down right mess. Cook smaller meals, if he wants more, he will need to contribute to the grocery funds.

If your son owns a car, I hope you aren't paying on the car, or paying on his insurance, or paying on his gasoline/fuel. If yes, tell him you can no longer afford to pay. I know it won't be easy. He will probably pout for a while.

Charge him rent, utilities, groceries. Deduct that from his inheritance in your will.
Without a diagnosis and care plan, your choices are limited. However, there may be other diagnoses you are not aware of. There are sociopaths and psychopaths who have no remorse about living off of someone, and will find someone else to meet that need after you're gone. Then there is the lazy, drug addicted person whom the parent/spouse refuses to see.
Find out.

Zoomhelp, you could come back and give more information about your son, because we could go on guessing about the problem for a long time. Wishing you all the best, let us know if any answers were helpful, or if you have more input, another aspect to clarify? Many here are parents, how can we help?

Rereading your post, it seems as though you're more concerned for your son than for yourself. Is there some reason for this? Is he the youngest? Did you feel you needed to be more flexible with him because of that?

I can tell you though what will happen if you need care as you age. He'll be angry and demanding because you're not available to pamper him. You'll get no support from him and your other children will be forced to pitch and compensate.

In our area there are assisted living facilities for those who are unable to work for some reason. The normal progress of a human is to seek independence and self-determination. Your son's failure to follow the normal course suggests psychiatric issues that need evaluation. Just as an aside, if you are afraid of him or his reactions, you yourself need to see a counselor to get help right away. As mentioned earlier, you need to worry about yourself more and your son less. Think ahead to a time when he is not with you...is this a happy thought or do you fear loneliness?

Sorry you are facing this, but 20 something years? The hardest thing for a Mother to do is push her child from the nest so they can learn to fly.........but in your case, I don't think he is ready to learn or to listen. Mercy! I am feeling for you......and I truly have no advise.

Dear All,

Sadly, Zoom has not come back to this thread. That is too bad because she has gotten a million dollars worth of therapeutic advice, and also because we would like to hear a happy ending to this story: therapy, eviction, job, independence, etc.

It may be that Zoom has heard this all before from family and friends. It may be that she does not want to hear it now just as she did not want to hear it then.

And, though it always pains me to say it, "Oh, well..."

Thank you for your advice. In response to some of the issues raised, myself and my other children have insisted on psychological evaluations for my son. The doctors have told us that "some people are just made that way. " They offer no help and won't even prescribe anti-depressants. No, my son doesn't own a car so that's not a problem for me. I have talked to him numerous times about his own hopes and dreams and plans for the future, but he never responds. He spends his days playing video games. Nothing motivates him- a filthy room, not having cable tv, not having internet service, etc. I continue to provide limited food for him, and occasionally give him a little cash for a pizza or something. Yes, I pay the electric bill, the home taxes and insurance, and groceries, but that's about all. I, of course, know that I shouldn't have to do these things at his age. He is my youngest and I do not have the emotional strength to ask him to leave knowing he has no skills. I've encouraged tech school and comm unity college, but he will not respond

What kind of doctors? I don't agree that people are just made that way. The issues
that you describe him having are not even the issues of a shy introverted person.

One thing I suspect is some depression, but that is not the whole picture.

I'd get a second opinion from another psychiatrist and maybe even a neurologist. I
don't know how big your city is, but maybe you need to take him to someone in a
bigger city that is not more than a hour away.

We have found that some of our medical needs are better met by doctors nearby
who are in city with a teaching hospital.

Hmm. So without a diagnosis, I don't believe you will be able to set up a Special Needs Trust. You won't be able to shelter the house for him unless it can be shown that he was your caregiver and that his care kept you out of a NH (at least that's how Medicaid recovery works where I am).

You certainly are between a rock and a hard place. What would his reaction be to eviction?

Eventually, you will be gone and he will have no home and no income. Will he live on the streets or will he live in a homeless shelter? Will the State of Maryland find a diagnosis for him when he becomes their ward?

These are the questions I would ask the doctor's at his next psychiatric evaluation, in an appropriately desperate tone of voice.

I would also seek out a therapist for myself. This is an unbelievable burden and worry for you.

Yes. And meanwhile, take the computer away.

If, after a complete Psychiatric workup there is still no diagnosis, you need to find a behavioral therapist. Someone trained in Applied Behavior Analysis might be a good bet, or a Behavioral Psychologist.

The plan might be, for example, to take away all amenities except for basic food and clothing. No money no computer, no video games. Everything must be earned. Chore done, properly equals tv time. Going to therapy, going to job training gain him a privilege of some sort. Get a professional to set this up.

Indeed.

There are places like in our nearby larger city, that have places that only do psychological testing to evaluate what the person's issues are. Both of our sons have been to the same place and each have been diagnosed with ADHD and are getting help.

Now one major hurdle that you have is that being 40 years old, he can't be forced to go get therapy like someone under 18 can. I assume that he must be covered by your insurance and that is not cheep to add him to it.

My thinking right now is that there will be more than one diagnosis, but at least you will have something to work from. Otherwise, he's looking at becoming homeless when you die. If you have a stroke and have to go to a nursing home, whoever is the POA for you will likely at some point see the need to sell the house and use the money for your ongoing care. That would cause your son to become homeless.

We had a situation around or right after Christmas that had many of the same dynamics. We have no idea what happened to him.

"He is my youngest and I do not have the emotional strength to ask him to leave" Just keep on doing what you are doing, work until the day you die supporting a do nothing.

ZoomHelp9,

This is so sad. I feel very bad for both of you.

It does sound like you have done all you can so the next step is a good lawyer. Be sure to have the other siblings on board. They might serve as the executor.

Siblings can be very, very different even raised in the same home, church, school. We cannot control the things going on inside of a persons head. My husband and his children (from 1st wife) are geniuses. Five of the grandchildren are geniuses. The sixth, an older grandson, is the one we have to hold our breath about all the time. He does just barely enough to fail but still with a hope of possible success--over and over. So, it is a roller coaster ride for his family.

Children are not only a blessing--they can be a true, and long-lasting challenge. I had to take my own daughter to court a few years ago for visitation with my grandson. Our relationship will never be warm. I hang in there and keep my mouth shut month after month because of my darling grandchildren.

In truth, there are lots of elder parents out there with similar problems. I just had lunch with friends yesterday and their daughter launched from the home, had two children, lost them to the father, and has now boomeranged back to live with her parents--AND--has lost her license for eight years so that the parents (79-ish) have to drive her everywhere. They are not happy and very worried about the future.

It is a blessing that your son has siblings who can keep the worst from happening. Accept your son for who he is and go to the lawyer. Hang in there and good luck.


good luck!

Zoom, you had mentioned "I do not have the emotional strength to ask him to leave"... I am just throwing this out there so see what is your response if it could possibly be correct that you might be afraid of your son? I know if I was around someone who wouldn't respond to me when I asked him a question eventually would make me frighten of that person.

Can you go back in time to see what was the trigger that caused your son to become a recluse? Was he personable while in high school? Did he have a girl friend [or boy friend] who broke up with him that might have set this tailspin of retreating to his room? Do you notice any anger? During the earlier years have you contacted any of his close friends to get an idea on what happened?

Zoom, please, please get yourself to your doctor and tell him/her what is going on. You have got to get some help for yourself right away so you can start to help your son. Of course you love your son, but what you are doing will hurt him in the end. I'm so sorry for this situation, but you need to take action now, please!

I have been carefully reading everyone's comments. I am trying to process each one. Thank you for your understanding, candor, and experience. Perhaps I do need to share some other information. Yes, I am completely aware that I am an enabler -- I've been told that by my other children, pastoral counselors, and other professionals. After graduation my son did work in construction with one of my older sons. After about a year, he just decided that he didn't want to go back to work anymore. At the time my husband was still alive and in very poor health. He welcomed my son staying home after the age of 18 because my youngest son did provide some help to him on our farm. However, as my husband's health diminished, I was nervous to be at work full-time so I inadvertently relied on my son to provide minimal care for his father. This lasted about a year until my husband went into a nursing home and never returned home. He died 10 years ago.

Yes, I feel guilty that I relied on my son, but, in truth, he only did minimal things around the house like getting my husband some water or a sandwich. I traveled back and forth to work ( I luckily only work 15 minutes from my home.) to provide all other needs until my husband went into the nursing home. I've told my other kids that I feel that I was able to continue working because my son was living at home. I know that's not rational, but it's how I feel.

Nevertheless, the past 10 years have just resulted in my son doing less and less each year. He never was very talkative and social, never has had a girlfriend, or even any friends because we live in a very isolated location. I have encouraged him to go out and meet people throughout the years, but he just doesn't respond. I've had three different counselors come to my home to speak to him because he refuses to go willingly to talk to someone. All of my other kids have come to speak to him both individually and in a group, but his standard operating procedure is just to stare into space and not respond to anything. I know this is just his defense.

Last year he had to have a major surgery. (He qualified for the universal healthcare --- he's not on my insurance.) As it turned out, due to my son's overall poor health because of being so sedentary, the surgery didn't go well and he needed to go into a rehab hospital for 2 months. At that time, my other kids worked every angle they could to get him professionally evaluated. While in the hospital, my other kids and I begged the doctors to recommend him to a half-way house or to offer some kind of help, but they did nothing. Like I said before, two psychologists spoke with him and we were told "He thinks you all aren't normal and that he is perfectly normal." I begged for their help with what I consider his depressive condition, but neither of them would prescribe anything.

My son weighs about 375 pounds and I weigh about 150 pounds. My kids all told me that I could not care for him when they released him from the rehab hospital and I felt that way myself. The hospital said the only thing they could do was put him out the front door to fend for himself. I just couldn't bear that so he returned home with me. He is stabilized now, but there is no improvement in his attitude whatsoever.

I know that I have created this frustrating situation, but I don't know how to find my way out. After 20 years of living here only with me for company in the evenings, he is anti-social, and I believe is physically unable to hold even a part-time job right now. He is completely sedentary, only walking out sometimes to check the weather. I can't just give him a deadline to get out because I know he has no skills and wouldn't be able to get a job, much less a place to live. I don't want to leave this burden to my other kids, but I just don't know what I can do as a next step.