He has lived with me full-time since his graduation from high school. He is not disabled mentally or physically, but I cannot bring myself to ask him to leave. He does little to no chores, has no social interaction with others at all, receives "universal healthcare" benefits, and refuses to work. I provide all his needs and am still working full-time. I have other children who have tried in numerous ways to encourage their sibling to move out, but all their efforts have failed. We've tried counselors, but my son will not even respond during discussions. After 22 years of my son living like this with me, he has no job skills whatsoever, and no social skills. I do not know what he will do if I would ever have to go into a nursing home, or when I die. I do not know how to provide for him after my death. I cannot leave him a lump sum because he would spend it quickly, and he would no longer qualify for medical assistance. I have heard that establishing a trust would be a good choice, but I also know that they are expensive. What advice do you have for how I can handle this situation? At 75, I want to retire, but I am worried that my finances and savings will not be enough to provide for him in the future. Everyone tells me I should make him leave, but I just can't do it. Your help would be appreciated.
This is so sad. I feel very bad for both of you.
It does sound like you have done all you can so the next step is a good lawyer. Be sure to have the other siblings on board. They might serve as the executor.
Siblings can be very, very different even raised in the same home, church, school. We cannot control the things going on inside of a persons head. My husband and his children (from 1st wife) are geniuses. Five of the grandchildren are geniuses. The sixth, an older grandson, is the one we have to hold our breath about all the time. He does just barely enough to fail but still with a hope of possible success--over and over. So, it is a roller coaster ride for his family.
Children are not only a blessing--they can be a true, and long-lasting challenge. I had to take my own daughter to court a few years ago for visitation with my grandson. Our relationship will never be warm. I hang in there and keep my mouth shut month after month because of my darling grandchildren.
In truth, there are lots of elder parents out there with similar problems. I just had lunch with friends yesterday and their daughter launched from the home, had two children, lost them to the father, and has now boomeranged back to live with her parents--AND--has lost her license for eight years so that the parents (79-ish) have to drive her everywhere. They are not happy and very worried about the future.
It is a blessing that your son has siblings who can keep the worst from happening. Accept your son for who he is and go to the lawyer. Hang in there and good luck.
good luck!
There are places like in our nearby larger city, that have places that only do psychological testing to evaluate what the person's issues are. Both of our sons have been to the same place and each have been diagnosed with ADHD and are getting help.
Now one major hurdle that you have is that being 40 years old, he can't be forced to go get therapy like someone under 18 can. I assume that he must be covered by your insurance and that is not cheep to add him to it.
My thinking right now is that there will be more than one diagnosis, but at least you will have something to work from. Otherwise, he's looking at becoming homeless when you die. If you have a stroke and have to go to a nursing home, whoever is the POA for you will likely at some point see the need to sell the house and use the money for your ongoing care. That would cause your son to become homeless.
We had a situation around or right after Christmas that had many of the same dynamics. We have no idea what happened to him.
The plan might be, for example, to take away all amenities except for basic food and clothing. No money no computer, no video games. Everything must be earned. Chore done, properly equals tv time. Going to therapy, going to job training gain him a privilege of some sort. Get a professional to set this up.
You certainly are between a rock and a hard place. What would his reaction be to eviction?
Eventually, you will be gone and he will have no home and no income. Will he live on the streets or will he live in a homeless shelter? Will the State of Maryland find a diagnosis for him when he becomes their ward?
These are the questions I would ask the doctor's at his next psychiatric evaluation, in an appropriately desperate tone of voice.
I would also seek out a therapist for myself. This is an unbelievable burden and worry for you.
that you describe him having are not even the issues of a shy introverted person.
One thing I suspect is some depression, but that is not the whole picture.
I'd get a second opinion from another psychiatrist and maybe even a neurologist. I
don't know how big your city is, but maybe you need to take him to someone in a
bigger city that is not more than a hour away.
We have found that some of our medical needs are better met by doctors nearby
who are in city with a teaching hospital.
Sadly, Zoom has not come back to this thread. That is too bad because she has gotten a million dollars worth of therapeutic advice, and also because we would like to hear a happy ending to this story: therapy, eviction, job, independence, etc.
It may be that Zoom has heard this all before from family and friends. It may be that she does not want to hear it now just as she did not want to hear it then.
And, though it always pains me to say it, "Oh, well..."
I can tell you though what will happen if you need care as you age. He'll be angry and demanding because you're not available to pamper him. You'll get no support from him and your other children will be forced to pitch and compensate.
Without a diagnosis and care plan, your choices are limited. However, there may be other diagnoses you are not aware of. There are sociopaths and psychopaths who have no remorse about living off of someone, and will find someone else to meet that need after you're gone. Then there is the lazy, drug addicted person whom the parent/spouse refuses to see.
Find out.
You worked hard for your savings, you should be able to use those savings for what you need, not what your son needs. Home to your son is like a comfortable old shoe, why should he move. Curious, what does your son do all day at home?
Your son should at least have a chore list, but I know it can be hard to light a fire under some to get them to help out.... some of us know that is how some spouses can be, too :P It's the why bother helping, you will do the chores anyway.
Start limiting what you do for your son. Stop paying for things he needs. Stop cleaning his room and bathroom, even if it become a down right mess. Cook smaller meals, if he wants more, he will need to contribute to the grocery funds.
If your son owns a car, I hope you aren't paying on the car, or paying on his insurance, or paying on his gasoline/fuel. If yes, tell him you can no longer afford to pay. I know it won't be easy. He will probably pout for a while.
The best legacy you could leave your son is the knowledge and strength to learn how to care for himself.
Unless he's given demands as Maggie suggests, he's going to be a sponge all his life. The BEST thing you could do now is get psychological and/or psychiatric help for both of you to get out of the mess you've created.
This is a really hard situation, but I would say that if he refuses to be evaluated or go to therapy, start the eviction process now! That way, once he understands he has no other choice than to start taking steps to be independent, you will be there to support him as he gets started on his new life. It's just like when he was young, he will fall down but he can learn to get right back up again.
You have not done him any favors by letting this go on so long, but I kind of understand how you feel--I have a 24 year old son with Down and I still am having a hard time letting go of the desire to protect him and be in charge of every detail of his life, I, too, worry a lot about what will happen to him when I am no longer here; so I have to let him grow now so I know he will be OK later. He will always have a guardian and has a special needs trust, but he is learning to advocate for himself and to problem solve when he needs to.
Everyone above has given excellent advice. Please take one step this next week to start helping your son be independent (give him the choice to get checked out physically and mentally or contact a lawyer to start the eviction process). You are not doing yourself or him any good by letting this continue as is and you need to get yourself and your son some help right now. Peace and best wishes!
He desperately needs you to set a timetable for a job, start collecting room and board to the tune of 20% of his salary, and make him accountable for his share of household chores. That's 1-2-3. Give him ninety days for #1 and #2. For #3 he has til tomorrow after you've completed a list.
If he does not comply, evict him. Then the state and county will prepare him for life without you with a meager subsistence designed to keep him warm and fed.
You have enabled him because you haven't been strong enough to live with discomfort you know you'll feel when you insist your son grow wings and fly. I hope you can somehow find that strength and help your son have a life.
That was it. He needed to fend for himself.
Other friends have given a small amount of start up money to their sons and told them to go out and have a life. It worked.
This is a ridiculous situation. That you are still working is also ridiculous. You should not be taking care of him; he should be helping you at your age!
Sadly, you now have to acknowledge that you played a part in creating and maintaining this situation. Your son will not talk to the therapist? That is called passive-aggressive and it can go on, as you now know, for decades.
You played a part int his BUT YOU CAN GET OUT OF IT. You are not stuck or locked in or trapped.
It is time for YOU to see the therapist. Engage the other family members, come up with a plan, relay on their strength (I am sure they are sick of his attitude), and set this son free. Maybe against his will at first--but set him free.
Now, just in case you are worried about what will happen to him, remember this: for every helpless man in the world, especially at his age, there are at least a dozen dumb women who want to "take care of him." He will be fine. Trust me on this one.
One thing I can say from my own situation is to choose the trustee wisely. When my sister had her will done she had just had brain cancer surgery and had suffered severe brain damage. The lawyer made himself the beneficiary of the estate and the trustee of my trust. It's been a nightmare and I would hate to see anything like this happen to anyone else.
I don't know if I'm allowed to add links here but there's a good article on types of trusts that might help you.
It's americanbar (dot) org. I'll try to add the link but it may not show up.
I wish you the best of luck with getting your son on his feet.
You say you've tried "counselors". Has your son ever had a psychiatric workup? Or a full better of psychometric and personality tests? Was a diagnosis made?
If you were to pursue one of these avenues, you (and the rest of the family) might have a better idea of what his issues are and what the best avenue is to help him gain some independence .
Your post reminds me of a young man who posted a few months back. He lived with his mother in her studio apartment. He'd never had a real job and had spent the 5 figure inheritance his father had left him on dvds. His mother had a stroke and was going to have to be in a facility for the rest of her life. Her apartment had to be sold to fund her care and "Scott" had no idea how or where he was going to live. So you are wise to think about your son's situation before "something" happens.
There are special needs trusts that you can set up, but of course, they need to be done by a lawyer. I would try to find out, mental health wise, what is going on with your son to see if he has a disability that would allow for one of these trusts. And of course, a proper diagnosis may lead to other treatment options like medication, specialized therapy or job training.
Best of luck to you!
Also. You're 75 and still working. Okay, good for you - my mother worked into her seventies, too, and would have been climbing the walls if she hadn't had a job to go to. But apart from wanting to retire, advancing age will sooner or later force your hand. Never mind your son for a moment: what provision are you making for yourself?
You could consider the option of moving into a retirement apartment. You sell the family home, set aside the funds that will be required for your long term care, and anything left over you can put into an annuity or some such financial product to provide your son with an income. This would be a half-way house, bringing home to him that at some point you won't be there to (I'm trying to keep to neutral language) provide for him.
I'm sorry to hear that he won't engage in discussion. I dread to think what state his self-confidence is in. But the world will move on, whether he cares to talk about it or not. Anything you can do to make him wake up to that is in his best interest.
I'm curious. Why aren't you angry about the impact this is having on you?
Maybe you are the one who needs to see a therapist to discover why you can't tell an otherwise healthy man to leave home and live? I know this sounds blunt, but I don't know of a really soft way of saying this.
My wife and I have a friend who is 65 with a 23 year old only son. He is intelligent in some ways, but lacks smarts in other ways. He doesn't work and lost the jobs because of poor work habits. He and his mom are very, very close and her husband is not emotionally supportive. She and her husband have no idea what to do for their so, but she can't ask him to leave e
Does your son have anything that he enjoys doing? Does he like raising plants or doing anything that there is a market for? I would spend this next couple of years trying to get him ready to launch from the nest if at all possible. It would be good for him and his siblings wouldn't see him as such a lost cause.
It is very hard for a mother not to enable her son. We often here that it is better to push them out of the nest -- fly or fall. But many mothers gather their offspring back in when they flounder. No, it's not good for them. But it is hard to watch them suffer.
Still I would do my best to launch him once more. I don't envy you.