The evening my dad passed (16 years ago), I was the person who laid in bed with him - telling him "its ok to go"... In hopes that he would, I made a promise saying, "I will always take care of mom....". The funny thing is, she and I just don't like each other. I have always been a thorn in her side...and hers in mine.
Dad was gentle, kind and a very loving dad...but I was the wild child...I think by the time I came along, they were too overwhelmed in life - with work, family, their parents...they were just too busy for me. I was always alone and cared for "pawned off" to others. It haunts me that I am the caretaker - of parents who really didn't take care of me.....
My siblings are now both retired and live out of state. I am 59 and work at a very high pressured job, I have 3 grown children (1 with a birth defect)...and oh yah - I have a husband who is a President of a business and has an auto immune disorder that caused havoc with his health and mind over the past two years. Family and friends are life for me. My only hobby is golf and I force myself to run a league-just so I can get out and play once a week. Golf is the only sport that allows my mind to be clear of thought - so it's great relaxation for me.....despite having to run the league with 24 players.
For the past 6 years, my mother has lived 4 blocks down the street from my place of employment. She was living (after dad passed) in Florida but my brother convinced her to invest into an apartment in his home so he could watch over her... 6 years later, she was fighting so much with his spouse, mom was asked to leave (without any financial compensation - giving him over $130K) and I helped her move up here. She had $7K in her pocket.
She is now 86 and recently had a major fall (she tripped) on her chin breaking 4 front teeth 12 hours before we were all scheduled to depart for a family cruise. I made the executive decision that she stay home and paid to fly my sister out the next morning so we could enjoy our vacation and not worry about mom. I cried for the first 3 days - I was filled with guilt....but I needed this vacation. My sister was already planning on coming east so she just arrived earlier than planned. She lived and stayed with mom for 3 weeks - waiting on my mother hand and foot - going to doctor's appointments, reviewing all of her meds and noticing mom wasn't taking the correct medications and mixing them up. I had just done this 1 year ago. She commented to me how mom didn't seem to have any food in the house and had major concerns about her living alone. She said, "If I didn't have my husband to care for and lived alone, I would have mom live with me...." Yeah RIGHT! Anyways, my mother soaked up the non stop attention....and actually is more resentful towards me now because I'm not willing to do this. In reality, I think my mother blames me for her injury and is angry I told her she couldn't come on the trip after the fall....even though doctors advised against it.
When younger, Mom was always too busy to be a mom yet her memories of being a mom so different than mine. I have longed for a close mother-daughter relationship with her...I have bent over backwards trying to please her - all my life - but it's never enough.
I have seen her destroy people with words and actions. She's very negative and jealous of everyone...she'd rather see a person sink than swim....even me. I have worked so hard to remain positive in life and not dwell on the past, but I am really struggling with her attacks and arguments. I can be with her for 10 minutes (or talk with her on the phone)...and it destroys the rest of my day.
I don't know what to do.
I made a promise I can not keep to my dying father...the guilt I have inside is from my own making...but I don't know how to stop the guilt.
Mom complains that I'm always too busy for her...but I call her every day - sometimes twice a day and I plan my days off - with her. Yet she complains to my siblings that she hasn't heard from me or seen me in weeks... She calls them when we've had arguments... I'll admit, I'm stubborn, and like a bull...but I do care a great deal...she's my mother. I don't think I can handle this responsibility...but neither can anyone else in our family.
For my entire life, I have dropped everything, gone without food on my family's table - so I could help my parents when they needed it. I called doctors, argued with nurses in hospitals - I was the "go to person" to help them figure out everything...yet Mom won't allow me to be listed as a contact for medical. I fear I'm failing as a caretaker. I am filled with anger, guilt and resentment. I can't keep going like this... Mom refuses help...she calls it welfare. She wants to prove to her siblings that she's better than them.
I don't want to be mom in my elder years....I don't know how to deal with having her pass some day and having me remain resentful and guilty.
You made a promise to dad to care for mom, that doesn't mean full time care responsibility and with you working, it's not right for anyone to expect you to change your life to be full time caregiver.
Have the family mtg, offer mom some options, and make a go forward plan. Mom may have to compromise. Don't feel guilty, sounds like you have been a good daughter and remember, we aren't on earth to care for our parents, we are here to love them and help them if we choose, but not expected to give up our lives for them.
Listen to Steigman shes always wise looking after your mum means giving her the care that she deserves the best of care that you can but it dosnt mean at a cost to you and your health! My dad is around me i feel him and i know that when the time comes and mum has to go into a NH he will be so proud of me that i did my best and had no choice he would smile down on me for just being here as long as i could. The time for mum is coming also as shes getting worse i am keeping my promise to dad and i am looking after her if it means a NH then im still going to be there for her until she takes her last breath why do we feel that a home is not looking after them? i know old people that have been abandoned by all their family for whatever reasons and the state has to protect them i mean how awful is that.
Youre doing everything you can in a crazy situation and your dad would be proud like i know mine is.
Its his anniversary today 7mths and ive been crying all day i think im only starting to grieve for him as looking after mum i havnt had time to grieve its hard. But i know i am keeping his promise!
Big Hug
I think you should know why I decided to seek you support today....
...yesterday I left work at noon to bring mom to a dental appointment....I wanted to attend to discuss financials for her new teeth as money is very tight. Mom originally schedule it for last week and I was going to be away for 3 days so I had asked her if I could reschedule it so I could attend. Mom knew why I wanted to attend because I had discussed it with her several times. It took me 4 phone calls and 1 email to the dentists office trying to reschedule this appt. Unknown to me, mom was being called by the dental office every time and refusing to change the appointment. Then after talking with the dental people, I discussed it with mom again and she told me she would call them to reschedule it because they had called her several times..... To reschedule.....but they wouldn't do it until she approved it...because my name was not on the account.
When we arrived at the dental appointment, I asked the receptionist to add my name, along with my sibling's names as contacts having permission to discuss my mother with them...regarding appointments, billing and insurance issues, and medical concerns.. Again, I and my siblings had discussed this with my mother as we all needed this permission because we are facing more issues where she needs our help to organize things for her. The receptionist looked at my mother and asked, "is this ok with you?" My mother said, "No....I can handle things myself." I looked at my mother and said, "I'm going to leave and sit in my car because I'm angry right now...." And I walked out of the office and sat in my car furious. When the appointment was over, my mother came to my car and told me I was an embarrassment to her and I had no right to walk out like that. She told me I find fault with everything and I think she's a stupid old lady. I told her that I don't feel that way, but obviously she didn't trust me.....I told her I was very hurt and I was done with everything. I dropped her off at home....feeling sick to my stomach all day and night. I didn't call her last night...or all day today....but then again, she didn't call me either....but she did call my sister and brother to complain about me.
I guess my biggest issue is, if this continues...and something happens that we don't ever talk with each other again....and if she passes....maybe even alone...will I be able to forgive myself or will I be left feeling like I abandoned and failed her?....I hope it doesn't ever come to this, but I fear it I could really happen. I find myself walking away from her confrontations more often. It's just too exhausting......
All my life I have worked hard to forgive her... And myself....but it's not working. I know no matter what conversation I have with her, she will not hear what I say. My brain tells me to stop beating myself up, but my heart still has the inner child inside seeking her love , understanding and approval. Good thing I'm in therapy...lol...I really need it!
Thanks again for listening....and giving input...I am listening and sucking in all the suggestions.
Unfortunately Mom is back in the hospital as I am typing this and my relief at being able to get a full night's sleep is palpable. It's not that I'm unfeeling about her condition but just sheer exhaustion both mental and physical make me thankful that she is getting the care she needs outside my home.
Her doctor's recommendation is that I insist that the hospital place her in a NH upon release in however many days that may be from now. He told me in no uncertain terms that I WILL PHYSICALLY BREAK APART if I don't do this. Does my heart want this? NO but my head says I have to for both of our sakes.
Your mother is toxic to you. She probably has a personality disorder or some such thing and is narcissistic. Set boundaries - there are some good books out there about boundaries and also about narcissistic mothers. Frankly if I never see my mother again, it will be OK I have done my best for my lifetime, and I continue to at a distance, hands off, to see to her care. I cannot allow her to drag me down any more. As I have gotten older, the stress affects my health more. Last winter, I stopped taking crazy destructive phone calls for my own protection, and continued detaching in a big way. Google detaching with love - you will find help there.
Let go of any guilt. You have done nothing to feel guilty about. Some parents plant guilt buttons in their children to manipulate them. It is crazy making. They use FOG fear, obligation and guilt to get their own way.
A note about siblings. If they listen to your mum's complaints and don't support you, then they have a problem too. My sis is like that and others here have difficult sibs. You have to grow a thicker hide and detach from them too.
My "family" are the people who support me, not those whose blood I share who are toxic to me. Value yourself, do something good for you every day, don't let your mum become the centre of your world which is what she wants. Come back -you will get support here. (((((hugs)))))
things that help are (in no particular order) - therapy/counselling, detaching/distancing, establishing boundaries and consequences when those boundaries are crossed, and support such as you get here.
To yourself?
- That you love your mother? You do. You know that. You don't have to do anything to make it so.
- That you are the kind of responsible person who makes sure of her wellbeing? You don't have to do that in person to get the job done. Research her options, choose the one that is best for her and most practical for you.
To your father?
Well, now. If he is in a position to have consciousness of your promise - anybody who wants to be sceptical about this sort of thing is free to do so, but we're talking hypothetically here - he will also be aware of the whole truth of the whole situation. "With perfect understanding comes forgiveness." He would release you from that part of your promise that you are, for all kinds of good reasons, unable to keep. For the rest of it, the practical bits, see above.
To your mother?
As you say, nothing will ever be good enough. As you say, setting you up to fail is a bit of a habit of hers. Aren't you rather tired of wasting your time, money and breath trying to accomplish the impossible?
Releasing yourself from your promise is not going to be easy, I don't pretend that. But I hope these points will help you to see that managing your mother's care so that it doesn't wreck your life, health and happiness is not pure evil. Look on "how to stop feeling guilty" as a work in progress; meanwhile get your mother sorted and out of your hair so that you can at least hear yourself think.
First of all, thank you for using paragraphs. It's so much easier on my eyes.
I believe our moms are twins. Our only difference is that I am an only child. I don't know if that's better or not.
I told my dad once, just a few months ago, that my husband and I would never cruise again, we'd just do road trips. This statement was made because of the guilt they heaped on my head (I say "they", but it was mostly my mom) for taking a cruise and being out of touch for a couple of days. Heavens, something could have happened! Then what?
Well, a few weeks ago, I told my dad again that I (we, my hubby and I) was going to renege (sp?) on my "promise". We are in the prime of our life and it's not fair for us to sit home and wait for something to happen, especially when they are both in good health.
(Notice I have all of these conversations with my dad. I can converse with him. My mom and I have these weird accusational sessions with each other; thus, I'd rather not speak with her at all.)
Anyway, all of that said, I understand what you are going through with your mom. I understand your relationship woes with her.
I wish I had answers. I am reading a couple of books right now. One is Boundaries, by Henry Cloud. I realize I obviously have boundary issues with her. I have to draw them. Perhaps you do, too.
And as others have posted, you won't be breaking your promise with your dad if you get other care for your mom. And what good would you be to carry out your promise if you end up in a psych ward somewhere?? :)
Keep us posted. I truly feel your pain and am interested to see what happens next.
Sharon
6 mo later she went to Emergency room. They wanted to call someone but she told them to call me but she refused HIPPA. I couldn't learn anything. She got moved to another hospital and I couldn't find her for 3 days because without HIPPA they reveal nothing without patient permission on record. Interestingly, when they wanted to discharge her or collect payment --they trAcked me down.
I tell her "I love you"but I resent that you don't trust me. It's a shame. I'm the only one who cares anymore about her and it's sad. Everything is a battle. I have set boundaries and no longer allow her to hold me hostage. Guilt? Yes, it's an everyday struggle because she isn't an awful person and we get along in small doses as long as she has control and gets her wAy. I try to only get into situations where she can have her own way. When she gets contentious, I leave, I no longer fight with her. I've told her she can be in control, but once she crosses the line or something happens, I will be making the necessary decisions and it may not be exactly what she wants but will be what is necessary to keep her safe and healthy. She understands next stop is care, likely AL or memory care. I know she doesn't want that, but our living together or me being caregiver is out of the question.
I consulted with many experts about my cousin's case as I was the only one willing to help her with her dementia. They all told me to do what I had to do or say to get her into AL where she would be safe and get her meals and medication. I did and so far, it's great. I have zero guilt. I did the right thing and that's what is the most important thing. No one else can make us feel a certain way, IMO.
This is something you said that really stuck with me:
"I can be with her for 10 minutes (or talk with her on the phone)...and it destroys the rest of my day."
I just read what happened at the dentist appointment. And, you know what? You are an absolute ANGEL. You have done, in my opinion, AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.
There comes a time where someone is not going to be happy or help themselves no matter how much you bend over backwards to pave the way.
There is a time to love yourself and give yourself the recognition you have probably been wanting so desperately for so long. My heart aches for you. I validate and recognize and appreciate what you are doing. Just because you don't get it from her, don't think it isn't seen.
It is time to pass the baton and enjoy your life. You have been a faithful and loving daughter. Guilt does NOT belong in your emotional house. Time for you to live.
Garrison Keillor appropriates an old advertisement and calls guilt "the gift that keeps on giving." Healthy/functional relationships have no place for guilt.
The problem with making our relationships healthy/functional is that the unhealthy/dysfunctional parties are likely to react very badly to the improvements we make.
But we have little to lose by making things better, and worlds to gain. We can't make the selfish ones happy or even less selfish. But we can make people who truly love us happy and stop the insidious spread of selfishness by putting aside the guilt.
Guilt and duty are NOT the same thing. You've done your duty. Please listen to the wise words of emjo and others.
Therefore, if one's parent doesn't want us to know their physical health, so be it. In a way, that takes the burden off of our shoulders. If Mom or Dad complains, gently tell them "but it was your decision to do this". It's just our parent(s) trying to still be in control.
Last night she called our home at 8:45pm. I asked my husband to answer the phone because I really didn't want to deal with her....my day had been pretty perfect... She wanted us to go over to her house to watch the local fireworks at 9pm... I appreciated the gesture. In the old days, I would have gone out of guilt...even though I was exhausted and didn't care much for being in traffic for 2hours afterwards. This time, We told her we were too tired to go out....the very same excuse she used with us all weekend. This morning, (Sunday) she called to see what our plans were for today....and asked if she could come over. I told her I'd pick her up after church...
Having a raised a very stubborn child with a birth defect who had 2-3 hour tantrums when she was little....if she didn't always get her way....I had to learn to not give her options in life, because it would always lead to tantrums. I had to tell her about things way in advance so she would be able to adjust to surprises and new experiences. I learned to not argue with her and walk away as this stopped most arguments. I didn't give her control over my emotions. I'm not sure why I didn't see my mother in the same light sooner. I don't know why I didn't see her as my child who is trying to spread her wings and show her independence. But now I do...and it is a very familiar place for me. It has empowered me to know how to deal with my moms demands...and the guilt I've allowed her to manipulate me with.
This has been an extremely therapeutic week.. Especially since receiving everyone's input....thank you! I needed to read what I've believed in my heart (and mind) to be reality. It is sad and very difficult for me to accept that I will never have the loving mother daughter relationship with my mother that I've longed for all my life.....but I accept that my life will go on without that.....and i do have a loving relationship with my husband, my children, and with many great friends in life. I do have a complete life without my mothers nurturing, love and admiration.... Although I wished with all of my heart that it would have been different....it isn't....and I must accept this to be my reality. Hugs and my sincere thanks to everyone for your wise, suppletive and understanding input.