I am a divorced mom of a young child living in a two bedroom house. I reluctantly agreed to accept the role of caregiver to my mother (69) whom my brother and I separated ourselves from. Mom was hospitalized for frequent falls, twice, went to rehab both times, and was difficult refusing care there. She does not have diagnosed dementia but shows some early signs..... she's always been very difficult to get along with. We have tons of family here who are no help. She is very stubborn and disrespectful to my home (rules, etc) and does not respect anything (basic) that I request of her. She also refuses to do her therapy, take meds, or get out of bed. Her lack of motivation is severe (not depression, she's always been severely lazy) and she's not progressing. At this point I am a waitress and maid for someone, not a caregiver.
Although she's been here four months and can ambulate with a walker, she refuses to do anything for herself like getting her own water, food, and walking to bathroom, or showering, or minor self care like brushing hair/teeth even though she can.
My brother and I told her we need to sell her house and combine our assets to purchase a bigger house for me to care for her but she refuses. We know she's both mentally and physically incapable of caring for herself and kicking her out would land her right back in a hospital, and back to me where we started.
At this point I want to give her a timeline but don't know how to say it or handle it, but my daughter and I want our home back, especially if she isn't going to try to get better.
To the extent she can control these behaviors, it will give you a temp reprieve. Before she blows off the warning, let her know the long term plan is still that she sells her house and uses those proceeds for senior living. Do not commingle assets with her for a larger house, as you then will be inviting in all these behaviors without a realistic timeline to get out.
Never pick her up again. They will pester and you stand firm with your stance that it is unsafe.
Please do not get a larger home with the intention of moving mom in. For you and your daughters sake, it is the worst thing you can do and may be only a temporary solution for mom.
Your mom needs to be assessed for services. She is young to be so needy. Here on the forum we seem to be seeing younger and younger elders needing a lot of help.
Familiarize yourself with the term ADLs and IADLs and see which your mom can do or is willing to do.
Call your area agency on aging and ask about an assessment for mom. Base this on her home address. Meet them at moms home with mom if a home visit is requested so they can see what her living conditions are and what she will need to be safe at home. All of moms resources will be analyzed. It may be better for her to go into subsidized housing if her home isn’t safe. If she isn’t able to live alone, she may need to sell her home, use the proceeds to pay for assisted living and then go into subsidized care when the funds are gone.
Make sure you don’t confuse the social worker/case manager by making her think you will be the caregiver. See what services are available for mom without the illusion that you are moms solution. She will need someone to help her manage her care and that will still be a lot for you and brother without having to do the hands on care yourself.
If you sell moms house and buy a larger house together you have commingled your assets, when mom has to go into care, it could put your own home at jeopardy. You knowing that will make you try to keep her home longer. That might seem like a good thing on one hand, but on the other it traps you into a lifetime of servitude and leaves her without the best help available to her. When an elder goes down, it is hard, perhaps not Impossible, but very hard to get them going again and keep them going. It is a full time job and the trajectory is for things to get worse, not better.
Your mom has a mental or physical (perhaps both) condition that is keeping her from fully functioning. Perhaps it is a life long condition. It will only get worse. I’ve watched my good friend try to get her sister going again for almost 5 years. It is exhausting to witness. Her therapist said she had “learned helplessness”.
If you are tired after 4 months, imagine 4 years, 14 yrs. etc. Your mom needs a solution that has a chance of working.
When I read the solutions offered, the hospital sounds the easiest if it will work. We who answer your posts are scattered across the country. What might be a solution in one area, may be harder in another but you have to hold firm that she is responsible for her own care and after her comes the government. It will be a learning experience for all.
Barb has given you words for the opening conversation. Come back and let us know how it goes. Many people reading your post can relate.