how do I choose what is best (rather than what she wants) for my 84 year old mother without feeling guilty? she is partially disabled and has an extremely difficult time getting around her small apartment. she also has dementia and has become very delusional accusing family members if theft and believing others have snuck into her apartment. she eats very little and has become dehydrated several times.
You should not put yourself in financial straits any longer. You have gone way above the call of duty in being compassionate to one who abandoned you.
In LV does your mother have family who can help her with financial support or caregiving? Does her income level qualify her for Medicaid? Can she hire a caregiver who can come by once a month or so to help with shopping or cleaning?
I would start by contacting the aging services in Nevada - it will not give you all the answers but it is a good start. If her income level is low enough, she can qualify for many local services including rent reduction, etc.
I had to step out of the panic mode that I often get into, because I am my Mother's only caregiver in my family. I had to assess what I was both able and willing to do and then I stick to it. Do not let your Mother guilt you out...sounds like she made some unwise choices early on and you should not have to clean up after her.
Thanks to all who have responded thus far. You are giving me much peace of mind.
When my mother finally sold her home we helped her choose the things she could fit into her new apt. Then, we had a yard sale and the proceeds helped her say "goodbye" to all those years of accumulation. I would seriously consider having a "storage unit sale"...she will not be revisiting those items and maintaining all that "stuff" will just put an additional burden on you.
I am also in the midst of trying to find an adequate solution for Mom's housing when she is unable to live on her own. There seems to be a big gulf between living independently and assisted living centers and nursing homes. I am looking into "group home" arrangements that cater to the specific medical needs of its residents (such as alzheimers, Parkinson's, etc.) and has a more "homey" envirnonment. (Although making these decisions causes me the most stress because I worry about her safety and the quality of care when I am not there.)
Do you have a Power of Attorney - one each for financial and medical? If not, that would be my first step. (I created my own from an legal documents website. Create 3 "original" copies for each PoA. Her doctor will want an original copy. Most states have specific guidelines for notarizing, filing, etc.) If she is showing signs of dementia, you will have to take charge of both her care and decision making. An as MOE mentioned above: try to ignore the "unearned guilt."
Keep trying to do what is best for her and come back here for support. You also may want to contact the Family Caregiver Support Program. You can find your state's version on the state Web site under aging services.
Good luck,
Carol