My dad has been her 24/7 caregiver for the past several years. He has been amazing but is not accepting that this is just going to get worse and worse. He is now suffering from severe back pain but still insisting he can cope. He can hardly move! Mum has been offered a very sought after place in a care home which has wonderful specialised services around Alzheimer's/Dementia - even just for 2 weeks to one month and he is still saying he can cope. He doesn't want to let go of his role. He won't even let nurses come to help her at home! They live in France and I live in Hong Kong so have no way of visiting them through Covid. But I am worried sick about them. Mum wanders - just the other morning she went up to the main road in her pyjamas looking for my dad in the freezing cold. She needs 24/7 care and he is killing himself by not accepting it can't be always from him.
I don't think you will "convince" your father of anything. He may be terrified of going into a home for the elderly or being separated from your mom. Caring for her gives his life purpose. Don't argue with him but talk about what help he is willing to accept. I wish you all the best -- please let us know what you are able to do.
This way he can still "help" but he can also see that mom is getting good care. And there is the possibility that they could help him as well.
This may cost a bit more but might give him some reassurance that mom will be alright. And the most important thing is he will not be separated from her.
If the have a very strong connection separating them might do more harm to both of them.
Great suggestion!
This is such a sad situation. I truly hope your dad will somehow realize that they are not safe as it stands now.
I hate the thought of your mom wondering about and your dad being worried about her. He must be so stressed out.
Here’s the thing, your dad is too close to the situation to see it for what it is. He is pushing himself to the limit!
He is entirely devoted to your mom. He may feel like a failure if he can’t do it himself.
He doesn’t want to let your mom or your family down. He sees himself as the head of the family.
Do you know of anyone else that can speak to him honestly but still with compassion to give him the straight facts?
He may listen to someone else better than a family member.
How about an objective social worker? Their doctor?
Best wishes to you and your family.
You might try telling your dad that honoring your mother means making sure she gets the best care possible, and it isn't at home. He can't love on her as much as he should if he's dealing with everything else, too.
On the other hand, they're joined at the hip, and separating them might be too hard on Dad. My mother was devastated when we had to move Dad to a different bedroom just steps away, so moving her to a nursing home would have been equally as traumatic for both of them. I had to move her after Dad died, but she and Dad were at least in the same place "until death do us part."
Consider trying to get both of them moved if he won't see that the home would give better care to Mom.
Sending light and love to all of you!
Christie