Mom had to move to Assisted Living last week from a beautiful Independent apartment within the same senior community she has lived in for 6 years, after a fall and subsequent delerium, but now somewhat resolving, thankfully. Hospital Dr activated my POA and she also had two more neuropsych and MMD assessments . Sorry to be redundant but I’m not sure how to continue my thread on here so am repeating a lot . She is 92. Today was really tough. I found her sobbing because she is realizing she will not be moving back and misses her friends on the other floor. We went to a mixer for new residents and her old friends saw her and encouraged her to still eat with them and play bingo but she is embarrassed and depressed. the staff reiterated that she has free reign to do that as long as she can get herself to those areas safely once she learns the new directions. I am walking with her to help her remember the way. Physically she is walking much better with her walker. Her studio AL apartment is very crowded with her old furniture and I am helping her revamp and get rid of what she no longer needs. She is not eating much and still confused and repeating questions frequently. She did meet a lovely new friend two doors down and the ladies near her have also been very nice and inclusive but my heart is breaking for her. I had to leave for several minutes to compose myself. I rationally know I have no responsibility for what happened but find myself constantly questioning if I should try to get her re evaluated and POA suspended so she can move to a less restrictive environment. The risk with that is that she can then refuse to stay in Assisted Living and another move and future battle again when her dementia again progresses. She was diagnosed with mixed dementia with depression and anxiety. The mental health diagnoses have been lifelong but untreated because she refused help. My neighbors are helping me move out some of her extra furniture which she requested happen. . She says she feels like she is living in a storage unit and is claustrophobic
It takes a village I know and this is also big adjustment for me that I didn’t anticipate. I am relieved that she will have people checking in on her but I am struggling hard and want to be stronger for her and myself. Just wondering if feeling this quilty normal? We ve always had a toxic relationship but have made peace now , thankfully , but this has also made my feelings turn from anger to grieving because I’m not sure how long we will have together to keep
healing our relationship Drs and SW both agree she is not safe to be alone. She apologized today for being so
negative about the move,
You will be better able to deal, and it will be better for HER if you get some help with these big feelings of grief. Are you seeing a therapist?
Making a list of "truisms" to recite to mom before you go can help. So can the distraction of bringing a treat, attending an activity with her and the like.
I did a lot of crying in my car at the stage of the "mom decline" that you're at.
Is there psychiatric support at her facility?
I bawled like a baby every visit for a while. It was sad and it broke my heart to see my independent, strong dad need assistance for living.
I recommend putting a big box of Kleenex in the car and giving yourself permission to be sad at this new season of life, cry, scream, yell and then move on to what is now.
Be grateful that you have mended the relationship and accept that every single day you have this new relationship is a gift. Doesn't matter how many days you have left, enjoy today.
It is good that you are participating in enrichment activities and meeting up with old friends and finding new ones, this will help her adjust to her new normal. In the mean time, maybe a good cry together for all the changes taking place could be cathartic for both of you.
Best of luck, this is hard.
If she has dementia, the confusions and embarrassments and fears are all being “tainted” by her inability to perceive them accurately. All of your perspectives may be very different from hers, and most likely are.
As painful as it maybe for you, she may actually need you to withdraw a bit from your constant presence in her adjustment to her new surroundings, and fact is, that may be good for you as well.
I was the only family member accessible when my wonderful LO entered first AL, then almost immediately MC, and I can remember thinking that I couldn’t possibly leave her in such anguish, but because of personal circumstances, the decision was more or less forced on me, and ultimately, until COVID hit, she became very comfortable in her pleasant suite.
I typically visited almost every other day, and we brought her grand nieces and nephews and did all we could to encourage her to enjoy what she was able to do, and it worked.
This “stage” is probably more painful for those of us who love and care for our aging LOs than for our LOs themselves. Treat yourself well. You are not alone in the pain of this experience.
But I think you know, even in your questioning, that there is little need to have her reevaluated, because you will just have to go through this stage again at some point. And while that might temporarily make her happy, will it keep you up nights waiting for the other shoe to drop and everything to start all over again? And ultimately you will both have to walk this path through the fire and come out the other side. You mention a number of positives that have occurred already and I know they are bittersweet at best right now. But if you think about it, they are huge.
But it is ok to grieve what was - you miss it. I think it just takes time.
Reading your posts, though, I see a number of positive things:
She's recovering physically.
She is social enough to miss her old friends and want to be with them at meals.
She's made a new friend.
She's aware of her surroundings and wants to fix the situation of being crowded in her new space.
She's aware of her behavior to the extent that she apologized to you.
I think all these are hopeful signs that she'll be able to adapt to her new situation. It's perfectly normal that she's having some sadness after what's happened.
Hope things get better for you day by day. Take care.
I am so pleased and happy to say that mom is doing much better than expected in her adjustment to AL. She even apologized to me for her past nasty behavior , and the dementia, as sad, as it is, seems to have mellowed her out...she still has periods of nastiness, of course, but is much more easily re directed. I am trying to visit at least every other day for now, to help ease her adjustment, and have been going to some lunches with her , to bingo, and she is starting to make new friends. Staff is also trying to teach her the way to visit old friends upstairs. She is out of her little studio apt for all 3 meals with staff encouragement..something that did not happen for past several months when she was in IL. She seems to also be enjoying the extra help with her showers and toileting. She was excited about the spa room (shower room but wonderful aides treat her so respectively and refer to it as that) where she can get whirlpool bath up to her neck! When she was so much more aggressive and angry toward me and my husband especially the past few months, I can now better understand that she probably knew, but would not admit, her increased feelings of confusion and was scared, and would become very angry and frightened when I tried to have a gentle discussion with her. She even stopped perseveratimg on new mattress ( see my past posts on her buying 2 new mattresses in the past 6 years) and is satisified that the new gel topper I bought for her is a new mattress ! Her lifelong anxiety is also now finally being addressed...I just wish she had accepted help so many years ago. She hurt her shoulders on the fall and said she is sleeping much better with the egg crate gel topper. Now if only my brother would come around. She cries that he has not even called her and he refused to help me with doing anything with her move. Thats on him and he has to live with himself. Not my job....Im just grateful that I can now be just be her daughter, and that she is safe and and we can hopefully make a fresh start, as she will be 93, while I still have her. . Hang in there ...prayer and getting a good support team helps so much. I tried to do it all alone. Dont make my mistake..reach out for help ....for both you and your loved one..even if it seems like nothing will ever change..Im proof that it can...its never too late.....call your local APS and Aging offices , Alzheimer Association, and even church outreach ..lots of angels there, as well as on here! Keeping you all in my prayers.