He is 83 years old, narcissistic and often unkind to me. He was very vulnerable when he first came to live with us nearly 3 years ago. In the previous 6 months he had had a 9hr bypass operation on this left leg, had a cardiac arrest, suffered 2 broken ribs and had pneumonia! It is a miracle he survived! They had taken his licence away too. Over the last 3 years I have helped him recover and to get his licence back. He is still very frail and can hardly walk as he suffers chronic pain in his back. He cannot look after himself very well – doesn’t make food for himself and only sometimes showers when he soils himself, which he does about once a week. He’s a heavy smoker and eats lots of junk food. In the last 6 months or so he has become aggressive particularly in the eveninsg and often tries to criticise me and attack me over things that are simply not true. Over the past 27 years we have known that he is a liar and he constantly rewrites his narrative to be the victim and everyone else is in the wrong.
He is now talking to others about how controlling and nasty I am. Unfortunately, due to a previous experience where his doctor wrongly believed a carer over his patient, his doctor believes we have a “personality clash” as he puts it. His doctor tells us just to go along with Dad and keep the peace. I suspect he has some frontal load damage as he is doing and saying some inappropriate things out in the community resulting in a charge of common assault and he has been banned from a shopping centre and a chemist! He refuses to submit to any authority and we have had the police here 5 times now. He keeps going to the shops he was banned from and refuses to pay any speeding fines causing his licence to be suspended although he has now paid that fine. My husband has financial authority and POA, but while Dad is still driving he is assessed as Low Need. His doctor won’t refer him for assessment because his memory is fine and he can really turn on the charismatic charm. A short period with him has people thinking he’s a lovely gentleman. My husband is very supportive and does take up issues with his Dad. The only thing I can do is walk away when he has a go at me. I refuse to get into an argument with him. As I work part time I spend much more time at home with Dad.
Look it up and get the information to his doctor. This can be helped with medication.
I would also find a geriatric psychiatric doctor to help with the needs assessment.
Has your husband told his dad to stop or he will be moving out? I would encourage some boundaries with known consequences and start enforcing them. This may help some of the bad behavior that isn't dementia.
Best of luck, such a difficult situation.
Make a few notes in a journal each day to keep up with his behavior.
Be ready when the next “event” happens so that he is placed in a facility rather than back into your home.
Hopefully you can get him to the right doctor for help in getting him diagnosed.
You just have to decide that you have had enough and set your intention on getting him moved. It’s good that your husband understands he’s out of control and it’s not causing you problems with one another.
I commend you on not engaging in conflict. As they say, if you don’t want to play the game, let go of the rope.
Where do you think it would be best (for all of you) for your FIL to be living? It helps to have a positive option in mind, because it's easier to work towards moving him *to* somewhere than to get others to agree to your kicking him out.
You say your husband has financial authority and POA? - what type?
Could you try doing less for him? Why should you make his meals and have him eat at the same time as you and DH? It’s unpleasant. Make him frozen meals, which is what he would have in IL if he can’t cook, so he can get used to it. Charge him the same rent and expenses that he would have to pay in IL, firstly because it’s fair and secondly once again so he can get used to it.
Tracey, you need to stand up for yourself a bit more. And get the recordings, both for your husband and also for the doctor and the police. Perhaps find out when the doctor is going on holiday and pick another doctor who is more aware of this sort of two-faced behaviour.
If you don't know your way around the options and costs, try ringing up COTA (Council On The Ageing) who operate nationally and should be able to give you information. Good Luck!
Thank you for your helpful comments. I will definitely look into IL in my region and see what they say. Even if it is only used as a conversation starter with Dad to get him to be behave in a way that does not negatively impact the family. I also think we do need to put in some boundaries and not allow him to dictate to us what he will and won't do. I do realize he is very controlling and thinks because he pays us some money each week that have to do things his way. He doesn't pay us as much as he would be paying if he was living independently with support services. He often accuses us of being money hungry and has a belief that we need his money. That is simply not the case and is not why we were willing to look after him. We would happily forgo the money for a harmonious home. He has a little dog (one we owned) which we gave him some 8 years ago. His whole life revolves around this dog - I feel sorry for her! When I looked into IL 3 years agoI found out he would not be able to have his dog with him. But I think I'm to the point where his choices are limiting his options and there will be a price to pay for him, ie he will not be able to have his dog with him. I am concerned as he is still driving that he will still come to our house and hassle us especially if we have his dog. I guess he could still pick his dog up and then drop her back to us. He will take the dog to the new accommodation whether he is allowed to or not but I guess the managers there would need to deal with that. I suspect he will go down hill very quickly if he doesn't have his dog with him. I just see difficulty ahead for him if we relocate him to other accommodation but I think we need to use tough love. We are not abandoning him, we will still support him and help him in whatever he needs just from a distance.