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Okay good, then I feel better. I go in between anger and guilt. But she’s not in full blown dementia and absolutely knows what she’s doing. She just thinks it’s not a big deal and thinks I’m unreasonable, crazy, mean, etc. I’m in “protect me” mode at this point. Necessary to escape toxic people as much as possible. Thanks for commenting, most appreciated.
Is this new behavior from her? Does she have dementia or ALZ? I wouldn't internalize anything an LO said to me if they were cognitively compromised. A person saying something doesn't make it true. One of my aunts that I grew up with in a home now at 97 has a lot of dementia and says the most egregious things to me, ME who she loves like a daughter! It takes some getting used to. I either ignore it or abruptly change the subject to something unrelated and positive, and I try to remember that her dementia has highjacked her mind and she can't help it. Wishing you peace as you figure this out.
Thanks so much for your response. Mom has mild dementia but has always been very critical and stubborn. We have literally never gotten along for any length of time and it got so bad, I moved to another state. I’ve been traveling for 2 years from TX every two weeks to assist with appointments, medicine etc. She now has 24 hour caregivers in her home. She has always picked on certain things and at age 60, I just won’t tolerate her narcissistic behavior and not picking. I was exhausted from just spending 2 nights/3 days with her. It’s just too much.
Boundries. When she starts, tell her ur not putting up with her remarks. If she continues, you will not be around for her. If she continues, walk out. People can only walk all over you when you allow it.
Thanks very much! I told her this exact thing this weekend. She’s very narcissistic and spoiled. She really was a great Mom when we were under 10, but after that it got very confusing. I just can’t put up with her criticism anymore, hits too many nerves from the past. Thanks for commenting!
As others have suggested, when your mom starts up, walk away or take her back to wherever "home" is and leave her to herself. And try not to let her provoke a reaction from you. That's what she's after; so withhold the "reward."
Dementia or no dementia, don't stand for the abuse. If that means backing away, so be it. Protecting yourself is self-care, which is a good thing.
saundie: " I’ve been traveling for 2 years from TX every two weeks to assist with appointments, medicine etc." While I'm glad you aren't living with her, this schedule still sounds very stressful!
While some may give the "put up, shut up, offer it up" advice (I'm glad no one has done it on this thread), I believe in the leaving to preserve yourself method of dealing with this kind of behavior.
My mother used to have what I called crying/shaking/shaming/blaming fits. And sometimes she would say things like how I was always a nasty person, that I was "wrong in the head," that I was trying to steal from her, that I didn't do anything for her, my time wasn't worth anything, etc.
She was losing her filters, but I think she'd never really liked me. Of course I was the only local sibling, and had to take the verbal abuse that my out-of-town brothers didn't. But towards the end, when she was still living in her condo, even they got treated to some outbursts.
My stomach would clench whenever it happened, and I felt something just go dead inside of me. And I'd feel very stressed. Well, some would say go to a therapist. (And of course most of them just want to put people on meds.) And I'd have to be paying not-cheap copays for something I didn't think would be worth it. So my method was just to withdraw from the scene and try to see her as little as possible (and do physical exercise).
When my mother was hospitalized for 17 days, I spent most of the days there (I did not spend the night). When one of my brothers came, I told him I could not keep this up without compensation. He readily agreed to it, and even offered to pay me for the past two years. I jumped on that offer, and so was paid back-pay from an estimate of those hours, and kept track of the hours going forward. $20/hour. He was one of the POA brothers, and neither of the other two complained, because THEY weren't about to do what I had done or was doing.
Once I was being paid, I dealt with things better, because I saw it as a job. When I'd mentioned compensation one time, my mother disgustedly told me, "You don't pay FAMILY!" Ah, but you also don't expect one family member to do it all, either. She never knew I was being paid.
saundie, I'm sorry for the hurt your mother continues to inflict on you.
You have to understand narcissism. Once you are on to them, and they realize it, you aren’t useful anymore. You aren’t allowing the abuse, you aren’t feeding their ego. Does not mean they won’t try again but stand firm. No one deserves to be emotionally, verbally or physically abused. Coming, from a family of narcissists the solution for me is cut off the ones I don’t need to deal with and work behind the scenes for the only one I need to deal with, my mother. I’m her medical POA so I handle all that but I think her dementia is bad enough she doesn’t even realize it. I’ve let them suck me back in a couple times but have learned the stress is too much. It’s a relief not to deal with them once you get over the misplaced guilt for how you are” supposed to deal with family” that does not work with narcissism. Its not easy but you’ve tried to deal with it your whole life. If possible get professional help so you have the tools you need.
Excellent advice! If I keep arguing, it just escalated and I have so much resentment, it just spills out of me when she’s in attack mode. I’m going to limit my exposure to her. Two years is long enough and my health is suffering. Not worth it. Thanks again!
As an adult I came to see that the constant criticism my grandmother dished out to both of her daughters, my grandfather, and me was her way of trying to control her environment. At bottom, she was very insecure and fearful. In my 60s, I still live with the negative self image the criticism created in me as a child. But when my grandmother was still alive, I found it helpful to disengage from what she was saying, either by leaving the room or the house or by turning the conversation to another topic.
JUST IGNORE Mother !! I have not spoken to my verbally abusive Mother in 4 years. I take care of all her financial needs and let the professional people at Memory Care handle her every day care. If you delete the abuse from your life, you will feel much better about yourself :-)
It's interesting to me that you can pinpoint about when this change occurred in her from your youth, maybe it's just your age and awareness that changed but maybe this is a learned behavior (happened to her) and all she knows or perhaps she has been living with an un-diagnosed or untreated mental disorder most of her life and then again maybe she's always just been a mean unhappy person but this is not about YOU, you may be her target but simply based on how much this get's to you she's aiming at the wrong person, she is talking about herself, projecting on you.
You have the perfect set up to change this pattern though. You wont change her but you can change it from within you, take her power away. Since she has 24/7 caregivers you are free to have the contact YOU want with her. You are already providing all the care she needs and can supervise that from your home in TX, you can also manage her appointments, meds and other things from that distance if you choose so making the trip every 2 weeks is your choice not just for her but for you. You love and care about your mom, mean or not she has some redeeming qualities after all she raised you and even if you think it's guilt that has you caring for her there is no guilt without caring so I would never tell you to just walk away and let her fend for herself rather I want you to believe that you are taking care of her simply by making sure her basic needs are met and she is safe. You have gone several steps further and see to it that she is cared for in her own home and my guess is very comfortable so when she complains about something you are or aren't doing think about what she has thanks to you that so many others don't. Money or not without you overseeing things she would likely be in a very different situation. So when you make visits to see her, take her to appointments etc and she starts pulling her verbal abuse you can just leave the room without having to worry about it because she has caregivers watching out for her. Choose not to fight, choose not to listen as long as she's being cruel and leave the room as soon as your radar tells you it's time. If she follows, leave the house and find something else to do and if she asks or complains simply tell her it didn't feel like anything productive was going to be said so you chose to give you both a time out rather than waste time arguing. If she starts to pick these fights when you have to take her to an appointment (thinking she has you captive) it's probably time to make other arrangements for getting her to appointments as a back up or even as a primary for a while to see if she prefers you taking her or the caregiver. You should be able to set up communication with the doctor and even have the caregiver who takes her get you on Facetime or something to be part of the appointment when the doctor comes in so you remain up on what's happening but you don't have to subject yourself or Mom to the negativity and stress if that's what she's going to create when you are there physically. I wouldn't argue with her about it I would simply say since our going alone together doesn't seem to work (your never happy with me) I made other arrangements for this appointment to see if it works better.
Do you have siblings? I am making the assumption that you have the legal ducks in order and hold POA/DPOA, MPOA etc for your mom. Are there other family members involved?
Wow! You have given me renewed power over myself, thank you! It’s such an awful feeling to deal with all of this. We have never really gotten along for very long but this is a new level since she feels out of control from aging/changing. It doesn’t help matters that she was a model for 50 years and she’s very vain. Petty and narcissistic. I’ve decided rather than for it take me down any further, I will only set up her meds and pay bills. I will have someone else take her to appointments.
My son, who is a senior in high school out of state, deserves his mom (and only living parent) to be present for his football games and other activities. I am still blown away how Mom and my brother have never considered the affect this has on my son. He’s at a boarding prep school but we still saw each other more often than now. I have a lot of resentment over it, however, my brother is running our family business and my sister in law’s parents both have dementia. I’m it, unfortunately. We are blessed to be able to have 24/7 care, but I know her medical history much better than they do. I also end up scheduling repairs because I’m the only one who seems to notice!
I do believe Mom has some mental disorders that she has always had. I remember thinking at 3 & 4 years old that she was very unsure of herself and didn’t stand up for herself until pushed to the edge. I decided very young, I would be brave and bold when someone was manipulating or pushing me. My parents were from a different era where most women were housewives and didn’t really have a say so about much. It infuriated me that she didn’t speak up, so I had no trouble telling anyone what I thought including them. This has taught me a lot about myself and aging in general, so I will put myself in assisted living before I lose the ability to think straight. I will NEVER allow my son to go through what I have. Thank you for your wisdom and advice, you are most appreciated. Blessings to you.
- Give it to the Lord and ask God to remove it -whatever it be -never to be spoken of again. HE will take it away so that you don't have to keep reliving the hurt.
-Do not engage in acrimony and wrath. It's too wearing on you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I don't give them a free pass to continue to abuse me because they are old and sick. No excuse for abuse.
Dementia or no dementia, don't stand for the abuse. If that means backing away, so be it. Protecting yourself is self-care, which is a good thing.
While some may give the "put up, shut up, offer it up" advice (I'm glad no one has done it on this thread), I believe in the leaving to preserve yourself method of dealing with this kind of behavior.
My mother used to have what I called crying/shaking/shaming/blaming fits. And sometimes she would say things like how I was always a nasty person, that I was "wrong in the head," that I was trying to steal from her, that I didn't do anything for her, my time wasn't worth anything, etc.
She was losing her filters, but I think she'd never really liked me. Of course I was the only local sibling, and had to take the verbal abuse that my out-of-town brothers didn't. But towards the end, when she was still living in her condo, even they got treated to some outbursts.
My stomach would clench whenever it happened, and I felt something just go dead inside of me. And I'd feel very stressed. Well, some would say go to a therapist. (And of course most of them just want to put people on meds.) And I'd have to be paying not-cheap copays for something I didn't think would be worth it. So my method was just to withdraw from the scene and try to see her as little as possible (and do physical exercise).
When my mother was hospitalized for 17 days, I spent most of the days there (I did not spend the night). When one of my brothers came, I told him I could not keep this up without compensation. He readily agreed to it, and even offered to pay me for the past two years. I jumped on that offer, and so was paid back-pay from an estimate of those hours, and kept track of the hours going forward. $20/hour. He was one of the POA brothers, and neither of the other two complained, because THEY weren't about to do what I had done or was doing.
Once I was being paid, I dealt with things better, because I saw it as a job. When I'd mentioned compensation one time, my mother disgustedly told me, "You don't pay FAMILY!" Ah, but you also don't expect one family member to do it all, either. She never knew I was being paid.
saundie, I'm sorry for the hurt your mother continues to inflict on you.
Coming, from a family of narcissists the solution for me is cut off the ones I don’t need to deal with and work behind the scenes for the only one I need to deal with, my mother. I’m her medical POA so I handle all that but I think her dementia is bad enough she doesn’t even realize it. I’ve let them suck me back in a couple times but have learned the stress is too much. It’s a relief not to deal with them once you get over the misplaced guilt for how you are” supposed to deal with family” that does not work with narcissism.
Its not easy but you’ve tried to deal with it your whole life. If possible get professional help so you have the tools you need.
You have the perfect set up to change this pattern though. You wont change her but you can change it from within you, take her power away. Since she has 24/7 caregivers you are free to have the contact YOU want with her. You are already providing all the care she needs and can supervise that from your home in TX, you can also manage her appointments, meds and other things from that distance if you choose so making the trip every 2 weeks is your choice not just for her but for you. You love and care about your mom, mean or not she has some redeeming qualities after all she raised you and even if you think it's guilt that has you caring for her there is no guilt without caring so I would never tell you to just walk away and let her fend for herself rather I want you to believe that you are taking care of her simply by making sure her basic needs are met and she is safe. You have gone several steps further and see to it that she is cared for in her own home and my guess is very comfortable so when she complains about something you are or aren't doing think about what she has thanks to you that so many others don't. Money or not without you overseeing things she would likely be in a very different situation. So when you make visits to see her, take her to appointments etc and she starts pulling her verbal abuse you can just leave the room without having to worry about it because she has caregivers watching out for her. Choose not to fight, choose not to listen as long as she's being cruel and leave the room as soon as your radar tells you it's time. If she follows, leave the house and find something else to do and if she asks or complains simply tell her it didn't feel like anything productive was going to be said so you chose to give you both a time out rather than waste time arguing. If she starts to pick these fights when you have to take her to an appointment (thinking she has you captive) it's probably time to make other arrangements for getting her to appointments as a back up or even as a primary for a while to see if she prefers you taking her or the caregiver. You should be able to set up communication with the doctor and even have the caregiver who takes her get you on Facetime or something to be part of the appointment when the doctor comes in so you remain up on what's happening but you don't have to subject yourself or Mom to the negativity and stress if that's what she's going to create when you are there physically. I wouldn't argue with her about it I would simply say since our going alone together doesn't seem to work (your never happy with me) I made other arrangements for this appointment to see if it works better.
Do you have siblings? I am making the assumption that you have the legal ducks in order and hold POA/DPOA, MPOA etc for your mom. Are there other family members involved?
My son, who is a senior in high school out of state, deserves his mom (and only living parent) to be present for his football games and other activities. I am still blown away how Mom and my brother have never considered the affect this has on my son. He’s at a boarding prep school but we still saw each other more often than now. I have a lot of resentment over it, however, my brother is running our family business and my sister in law’s parents both have dementia. I’m it, unfortunately. We are blessed to be able to have 24/7 care, but I know her medical history much better than they do. I also end up scheduling repairs because I’m the only one who seems to notice!
I do believe Mom has some mental disorders that she has always had.
I remember thinking at 3 & 4 years old that she was very unsure of herself and didn’t stand up for herself until pushed to the edge. I decided very young, I would be brave and bold when someone was manipulating or pushing me. My parents were from a different era where most women were housewives and didn’t really have a say so about much. It infuriated me that she didn’t speak up, so I had no trouble telling anyone what I thought including them. This has taught me a lot about myself and aging in general, so I will put myself in assisted living before I lose the ability to think straight. I will NEVER allow my son to go through what I have. Thank you for your wisdom and advice, you are most appreciated. Blessings to you.
- Keep holding onto it. (NOT advised)
- Give it to the Lord and ask God to remove it -whatever it be -never to be spoken of again. HE will take it away so that you don't have to keep reliving the hurt.
-Do not engage in acrimony and wrath. It's too wearing on you.
Prayers to you.
💚💚💙💙💜💜💛💛❤❤💕💕🎀🎀💟🌟🌟