My mother is 92 and in a SNH about a mile away from ours and my YB’s homes. DH and I helped her live the last 2 yrs. in her own home by literally doing everything for her so she could. YB didn’t help at all and now that she’s living in SNH he hasn’t seen her once or even asked about her. I have her POA and since she’s no longer able to make her own decisions I’m dealing with her trust a lot because I’m also the trustee. I’ve decided to sell her house to pay for her care and DH and I have literally been killing ourselves with repairs, clean out and getting ready for the estate sale. We are 70 & 71, YB is 54. After calling for his help he told us he works 40 hrs. a week and has his own stuff to take care of at home. Then he came over and was ugly to DH about not having the authority to sell anything in front of the neighbor. This led to yelling and shoving and wrestling in the house where I was working. After breaking this up and getting YB to front yard he repeats that DH has no right to sell anything. I told him no one was selling anything yet we were just trying to clean out the trash and junk. Then he tells me he doesn’t want to put any $ into house repairs that we won’t get back. I calmly told him there were repairs required to be able to sell the house but as trustee I will be making those decisions not him. He wants to sell to one of the companies calling constantly about selling the house. After talking to one of them about an offer and speaking to our realtor that offer will be $62000 less than if we sell it with a realtor. So he’s really only interested in how fast he can get some money. I told him the house sell $ will go into the trust to pay for mom’s care until she’s gone so nobody is getting any $ from the sale. He and his wife live next door to us so I know how much free time he has that he can’t be bothered to use helping in any way at all. We haven’t spoken at all since that day although his wife came to moms when only my DH was there asking for things. I’m so angry and disgusted with him I could just scream!! He was always the golden boy for my mom and this is how he repays her. I don’t intend to have any relationship at all with him after all is said and done. Does this make me a horrible person?
Chances are good that she will require all the money she sees from the sale of her home to go towards her care.
TELL YB THAT!!
I think what you are doing, you should continue to do. Ignore helpless Yb and finish clearing the house and de-junking.
As far as doing repairs/remodeling---I wouldn't. Sell the house 'as-is'. MOst new home buyers will buy a home and then make it 'theirs'. I know we did/are doing that with our new-to-us house. We worked a deal with the sellers that they NOT fix a bunch of stuff and we walked out with a $600K house for $515,000. We have kept almost nothing the 'same' and judging by the looks of the place, anything the previous owner would have done to make the house 'more sellable' would have been awful.
YOU are POA. YB is something else. BE the POA and do what you need to do.
Not having him in your life is a good thing. Just do what you're doing and ignore him.
Doesn't he understand how an inheritance works? I mean, really. He thinks mom owes him $$ from the sale of her home? In what world.
You are absolutely NOT a horrible person. Don't think that for one second.
You have been the workforce. You have seen Mom age.
She has been blessed to have you. Be proud of that.
Often a sibling has not seen or not CHOSEN to see. 'Mom's fine' etc. Then a rude awakening she is not.
YB may be here. At denial & anger. Or maybe YB sees but just reacts differently to you. (Despite having the same Mother, you are separate people afterall).
Families have siblings that differ. Often one sibling has the need to be a caregiver, an organiser, a problem solver for their parent (or other relatives/friends).
Another sibling does not see it as their business. Maybe even as interferring.
Horrible for not helping, not visiting vs horrible for controlling & wanting things done their way.
It can leave deep scars, these end of life fights over love, money & property when each side thinks they are right.
If your relationship is not damaged beyond repair, when calmer, try to leave the right, wrong (& horrible) out & listen to each other's views?
Then take whatever common-sense direction you need. Sell a house to pay for care is usually it. Property is an asset - it is practical to trade it in when no longer needed.
Whether to sink funds & energy into renovations prior to selling or not? You & YB may hold different views on that. Can a real estate agent offer professional advise here? Then reach a compromise?
Meanwhile do what you think is best. I am so sorry you have to put up with this kind of greediness. My sis did nothing to help either. Once the estate was settled I went no contact with her and am satisfied that that was the right decision for me. I am still working on accepting that she is who she is and forgiving her, just to give myself peace of mind.
You are not a horrible person ((((((hugs))))
If you think Medicaid will be needed within the next 5 years, then the house has to sell at Market value. I would maybe do a facelift. You want to get as much as you can. If selling allowing a VA loan or FHA loan, they are very stricted about the condition of the home. My daughter already negotiated a price but was going thru FHA. FHA told the owner he had to put a new roof on. Luckily, he knew how to do it so saved on that cost. It may only be some painting. Maybe rug shampoo or replacing it with cheap carpet. Maybe some good scrubbing. I have seem houses being flipped in my area and the contractor is doing limited work and gets thousands more for the house. A good power washing will make vinyl siding look good. Paint the shutters. Do not pay out of pocket use Moms money if u can. Keep receipts for everything. The proceeds of the house will need to go towards Moms care. None of the money can be gifted. That 15k a year that IRS allows...Medicaid doesn't.
I was told by Medicaid, if I paid out of pocket for anything done to the house or for the house, there was no guarantee Medicaid would allow me to reimburse myself when the house sold. Once Mom was on Medicaid, I did not pay taxes. I turned down the heat. We unplugged all the appliances. I set up one light in the living room to go on at dusk and turn off at 11pm. I canceled her cable and phone. Moms house did not sell till after her passing. She was on Medicaid 3 months so she only owed them 6k and they placed a lien on the house. There was a lien for property taxes which override Medicaid. Everyone was paid off, I was reimbursed out of pocket and we kids got a few thousand a piece.
I don't know where this mentality comes from that when a living parent sells a home, the kids are entitled to some of the money. This happened when my SIL sold her Moms house who was still alive. First thing her sister said was "how much do we get".
You and he won’t have a relationship anyway when she’s gone, and I can’t imagine why you want one.
He is no longer in a position to extend kindness to your mother, and he can’t harm her OR STEAL FROM HER without getting through you.
AND THAT WON’T HAPPEN.
Let yourself be an “only child”. Love your husband and appreciate his help.
Mentally cast your sibling as a cartoon character, blithering away without saying anything meaningful to you.
DO NOT FOR ONE SECOND think of yourself as being a soldier for your mom.
Absolutely NOTHING you are doing or have done, is horrible. It is filial self defense.
BEST to you and your husband and your mother.
As far as the house, hire a realtor who's experienced in selling estates. Many of the larger real estate companies now will front you money interest-free to make repairs, and they get paid back out of escrow. It's a nice deal, and you don't have to pay out of pocket up front.
I just sold my parents 1930s-era home with a 1969-era kitchen left as-is, except we painted the cabinets. We refinished the hardwood floors, painted, had it staged (VERY much worth the money), and called it good. I was shocked the buyers actually moved into it in that condition, but they did. (I hope they enjoy cooking on a stove with only two functioning burners!)
We got about $90,000 over the asking price, but had we gotten it on the market even two weeks earlier before the interest rates went up, we'd have done much better, I think.