This is long, and I'm very stressed out, so please bear with me. I am an only child, and my mother and I haven't been able to get along since I was about 12 years old. I'm 64 now. So much so, that I moved away from my home town when I was 19 and haven't lived here since. I just recently divorced and in July I moved back home, and I have moved into a rental house my mother owns just across the street from where she lives. She has given me a reduced rental rate.
Ok, here is the current problem. My mother is suffering from the beginning stages of Alzheimers or Dementia. She becomes confused, frustrated, she is very forgetful, very angry, no memory to speak of. She has always been a mean, hateful, revengeful, vindictive, controlling, and bossy person; especially to me. I get the full bore of her. My mother has no business driving whatsoever !!!! She is going to kill herself or someone else !!!! This being able to drive thing is a very big deal to her. Her husband (not my father) is totally blind, and he doesn't help the issue because I'm sure he wants her to continue to drive as she is also his taxi.
I have become sooooo concerned about her driving that I attempted several times to talk to her about this to no avail. She becomes soooooo angry and mean to me that it is useless talking to her about this. So I wrote a letter to our state DMV office complaining about this. I spoke with my daughter before I wrote the letter asking her if I could sign her name to this letter, as the ramifications would be less if I didn't sign my name to this letter. She received this letter abour 1-1/2 weeks ago, and saying "something" hit the fan is an extreme understatement. The letter told her she needed to take a physical driving test, a written test and a vision test at her local DMV, she also has to go see a dr, and get a physical report from her dr, and she must go to a vision center and have her eyes examined and submit this report to the DMV as well by October 28th. If she fails any of these tests or doesn't comply she will lose her driving privleges. My mother has accused me of either writing the letter and signing it OR writing the letter and having someone else sign it. She went so far as to (only in this small town) drive herself down to the police station and she talked them into calling the DMV and asking them who signed the letter. She couldn't do that as she can't see the buttons well enough on the phone to call herself. So the DMV did tell the police that my daughter signed this letter. My mother went ballistic. I have denied everything so far. Now, I find out that she has written a letter to the DMV requesting they send her a copy of the letter thart was written to them because she thinks she can recognize my handwriting. When I found that out from a support person who talks to my mother and step dad I just about lost it. I went into a complete meltdown because I knew then that I was busted and she would never forgive me for this. See my mother wouldn't see that I did this out of love and concern for her, oh no, she would see it as I was causing massive problems for her. So, while sobbing I called the DMV office and asked if there was any way they could not send her a copy of the letter I sent and I was told no, they would have to send it to her. I was then told that I could email them a note saying I was withdrawing the request for her to be re-evaluated, they then would shred any and all paperwork pertaining to her case. They would then send her a letter stating that the person who basically turned her in had withdrew their request. I told them to do this. My mother is sooooooooo angry at me that she INDEED may disown/disinherit me. The person I lean on for support who knows my mother well has stated that yes, this indeed may happen. My mom will never know who wrote this letter to the DMV, but she will have her suspisions. What/where do I go from here. Honestly I don't ever want to go to her home again. I know I should't feel this way. How do I deal with her accusations, her anger, her hate, her revenge. She could honestly attempt to have me evicted as well. If she disowns me, and I can find out by going to the courthouse and looking at the public records, do I move away, never to step foot here again, or speak to her again. This is soooooo difficult for me. I love my mother, but the love I feel for her comes from the memories I have as a very young girl. I had the best young childhood up until I was abourt 12, then everything went down the toilet and since then we don't get along at all. What do I do from here? I'm told that this will only get worse, how do people handle these kinds of issues. She told me she doesn't want my help, and all I'm trying to do is take over her life. I AM NOT trying to take over her life. I just thought by being here, close by I could help her, but apparently she doesn't want my help. WHAT DO I DO ??? Thanks for reading !
You may need a plan to make small inroads. If Laundry isn't getting done, hire a "laundress". Meal prep? "Hire a " cook". Most elders find those task specific labels easier to cope with than "caregiver".
Anyway, you did do the right thing, and I have no argument how you did it. I know how it is. To end this situation, let your mother know it is over, you will no longer deal with the situation of the driving. She isn't driving anymore, and that is that. I guess you are not POA. If she makes it more difficult for you, you indeed may have to bow out. Let her come crawling to you.
I hope you and your mother can stay on good-enough terms. It sounds like a situation where no one did anything really wrong, but you're butting heads. If you think your mother needs to stop driving, discuss it with her doctor. I understand why your mother doesn't want to stop. She has built up so much responsibility for herself that she feels she needs to tend. It would be kind of nice if they would sell some of that responsibility or delegate it to other people. They are too old to be trying to manage all the properties themselves. It sounds like a mess. It would be nice if they had let you come in as an aid to them, but it doesn't sound like they want to hand over the reins yet. Do your siblings have any feelings about what they need to do?
Feel for you, but we can't let people keep driving until they kill someone, either.
Life's hard ... sometimes very sad ... and sometimes we feel a responsibility to see that something happens (as in not driving), yet have so little authority to direct such things. :(
The more I read on this site, the more I see a pattern of children with dysfunctional parents who assume what the "right thing" is to do. I didn't have perfect parents or a perfect childhood, but I never in a million years thought that it was Mt duty to care for my parents in their old age. They made provisions for themselves and we merely help execute the plan. And let me tell, that's plenty of work. But no guilt, no holding things over people and certainly no inheritence. I have no idea what is in my mom's will and I don't care. If it goes to grandchildren, that's lovely. But in reality, it will almost certainly all be spent on her care, which is the way it should be.
As for owning a couple dozen homes. That doesn't mean squat, unless all those homes are outstanding properties with high rents, and low mortgage payments, and bought decades ago. I was an investor 20 some years ago, had rental properties. After awhile it was too overwhelming, so I sold the properties, and was lucky to just break even on some of them because of the high/low cycles of the real estate market.
Mom is a danger so you did the right thing in reporting to the DMV.
Secondly, from the very first day I arrived here (July 20th) I have told my mother I would be happy to: Clean her home weekly for her, do all of the driving for her, mow all of her lawns (including any rentals that she is in charge of mowing, which I do do.), do her laundry, and if she wanted I'd even come ovedaily and cook one meal each day for them. WEEEEELLL, I was told by my mother in a very sarcastic, nasty, mean tone that my help was not needed except for the mowing, that she could take care of herself and her husband just fine and she didn't need my help. Well, so be it...............no help will ever be offered again.
h---? He HAD to stop. He wouldn't listen at all. So I simply took his keys from where he left them. He got angry at me but it broke the ice. It took a few weeks but I made driving sound like a huge chore to him, like it was a big bother. Then swooped in with "So where can I take you today?" Or "Where do you want to go?" "Let's go grocery shopping, what do you want to eat?" Never gave him time to think about driving, it's like I anticipated his next desire to drive and was in the driver's seat before he could say where's the keys. With God's help he backed off and it worked. And it'd be so much better if Mom wasn't landlord. It might be cheaper but it would keep you in control and keep things in perspective for you.
i am a SW for protective services. Please rest asure that you did the right thing by contacting DMV but the wrong thing when you rescended your letter. As others have stated, own up to what you did and why you did it. I've assisted family members in situations like yours. There is no "easy" solution. Moving out of state isn't really fair to others that will be affected by her driving. Also, you leave the burden on the state to make decisions for her due to her dementia.
take a deep breath and contact your state's office of public guardian or Adult Protective Services and inquire what you need to do to protect and help your mother! Remember, it's easier to help now then to live with the guilt of her hurting an innocent bystander or herself.
I absolutely agree that you should leave and this may be very difficult but sell everything except the two suitcases that you can carry. Buy a bus ticket and go home. Do not tell you mother or the secretary what your plans are. Prepare to leave at the end of a month when the rent is due. Leave a chang of address for contact with the utility companies for the final bill and notify them when you are leaving. Do this at the last minute.As you leave town mail a letter to your mother telling her what you have done and include the house key and forwarding address which can be your daughter. Tell mother she can keep the security deposit in leiu of the months rental notice. When you arrive at your new place go to a cheap motel that offers cheap weekly rates and hopefully cooking facilities. next day head for social services and ask for temporary housing. All you need there will be a few pans and dishes and an air bed and sleeping bag. You can get the rest cheaply thrift stores and garage sales. get food from the food bank and emergency food stamps. if you can clean houses and mow for your mother you can do the same for other people. You don't have to work an eight hour day but it should be enough to pay the rent. is there anyone in your home town who would rent you a room temporarily? Can you stay with your daughter?
You are a strong woman. you already got out of a bad divorce so you can do this. It will mean sacrifices but you are no stranger to that.
I realize you are 64 and in poor health but I know plenty of students who have rented fom others and just have a backpack and a bed roll and blow the matress up at night. I know one person on here who lost everything and pulled herself up by her boot straps found an abandoned camper and is living in it on a camp site.
lots of people have lost everything and turned themselves around. it is hard but it is only stuff. you are more important than that.
I agree you did the right thing going to DMV but it was wrong not to own up to it.
Forget about the inheritance, you probably won't get it anyway. the secretary is hinting at that so you stick around and take care of the old people so she does not get stuck with it in order to keep her inheritance. Have you seen the Will? You may not even be in it. You are responsible for yourself so follow your instincts.
As for staying to be with your Mom until she passes, if she is still driving she still has a long ways to go..... my boss's wife had Alzheimer's.... for 14 years.