This is long, and I'm very stressed out, so please bear with me. I am an only child, and my mother and I haven't been able to get along since I was about 12 years old. I'm 64 now. So much so, that I moved away from my home town when I was 19 and haven't lived here since. I just recently divorced and in July I moved back home, and I have moved into a rental house my mother owns just across the street from where she lives. She has given me a reduced rental rate.
Ok, here is the current problem. My mother is suffering from the beginning stages of Alzheimers or Dementia. She becomes confused, frustrated, she is very forgetful, very angry, no memory to speak of. She has always been a mean, hateful, revengeful, vindictive, controlling, and bossy person; especially to me. I get the full bore of her. My mother has no business driving whatsoever !!!! She is going to kill herself or someone else !!!! This being able to drive thing is a very big deal to her. Her husband (not my father) is totally blind, and he doesn't help the issue because I'm sure he wants her to continue to drive as she is also his taxi.
I have become sooooo concerned about her driving that I attempted several times to talk to her about this to no avail. She becomes soooooo angry and mean to me that it is useless talking to her about this. So I wrote a letter to our state DMV office complaining about this. I spoke with my daughter before I wrote the letter asking her if I could sign her name to this letter, as the ramifications would be less if I didn't sign my name to this letter. She received this letter abour 1-1/2 weeks ago, and saying "something" hit the fan is an extreme understatement. The letter told her she needed to take a physical driving test, a written test and a vision test at her local DMV, she also has to go see a dr, and get a physical report from her dr, and she must go to a vision center and have her eyes examined and submit this report to the DMV as well by October 28th. If she fails any of these tests or doesn't comply she will lose her driving privleges. My mother has accused me of either writing the letter and signing it OR writing the letter and having someone else sign it. She went so far as to (only in this small town) drive herself down to the police station and she talked them into calling the DMV and asking them who signed the letter. She couldn't do that as she can't see the buttons well enough on the phone to call herself. So the DMV did tell the police that my daughter signed this letter. My mother went ballistic. I have denied everything so far. Now, I find out that she has written a letter to the DMV requesting they send her a copy of the letter thart was written to them because she thinks she can recognize my handwriting. When I found that out from a support person who talks to my mother and step dad I just about lost it. I went into a complete meltdown because I knew then that I was busted and she would never forgive me for this. See my mother wouldn't see that I did this out of love and concern for her, oh no, she would see it as I was causing massive problems for her. So, while sobbing I called the DMV office and asked if there was any way they could not send her a copy of the letter I sent and I was told no, they would have to send it to her. I was then told that I could email them a note saying I was withdrawing the request for her to be re-evaluated, they then would shred any and all paperwork pertaining to her case. They would then send her a letter stating that the person who basically turned her in had withdrew their request. I told them to do this. My mother is sooooooooo angry at me that she INDEED may disown/disinherit me. The person I lean on for support who knows my mother well has stated that yes, this indeed may happen. My mom will never know who wrote this letter to the DMV, but she will have her suspisions. What/where do I go from here. Honestly I don't ever want to go to her home again. I know I should't feel this way. How do I deal with her accusations, her anger, her hate, her revenge. She could honestly attempt to have me evicted as well. If she disowns me, and I can find out by going to the courthouse and looking at the public records, do I move away, never to step foot here again, or speak to her again. This is soooooo difficult for me. I love my mother, but the love I feel for her comes from the memories I have as a very young girl. I had the best young childhood up until I was abourt 12, then everything went down the toilet and since then we don't get along at all. What do I do from here? I'm told that this will only get worse, how do people handle these kinds of issues. She told me she doesn't want my help, and all I'm trying to do is take over her life. I AM NOT trying to take over her life. I just thought by being here, close by I could help her, but apparently she doesn't want my help. WHAT DO I DO ??? Thanks for reading !
It's not going to get better.
I know you probably already realize this. However, with whatever she's in the early stages of, it will most surely get worse. Whatever problems you'd had with her, before, will more likely become worse.
While some people do become a bit more docile as they get into dementia, it sounds like most get more aggressive and paranoid.
The reason I'm saying this is because it's just something to keep in-mind for whatever actions you take and decisions you make. If it's freaky, now, it will be freakier as time goes on. It's something to put in the forefront of your mind as you plan your future relationship with her.
An unlicensed Assistant can still do a lot of things around the office, draw up documents as long as the Agent signs them, run errands, put listings into the MLS system, place real estate signs on property, deposit earnest money checks, etc, prepare promotional materials and advertisements for approval by the Agent, be a property manager and order repairs, even drive clients to show houses only if there is an licensed Agent with her, she can answer simple questions about the property [such as info one would see if the property was advertised in the newspaper], but she cannot negotiate contracts or rental agreements, and cannot be paid a percentage of the commission.
Then this afternoon we take her to the store to find an appropriate K-door rug (she'd use the excuse to drag the stinkin' one back in that I took OUT of the house b/c it cannot be washed of not liking what I picked out, so .....). She got in a huff, took off, I didn't know what other store she might decide to go to (she's 88 in a few days), so while I'm deciding where on earth to check, as I cannot walk all over that place myself to try to find her, I finally decide to just start for home, and then call some places. Well, we ran into her walking towards home (which would have been about 1.75 miles), which she'd said she was going to do (but knowing her, figured she'd find someplace else to go, making it a really hard game of "find me!"). I pulled off on the side street she was nearing, she got in once there, and I see she's got a nice bump on her head. Asked about it. "I fell." "Where? in the parking lot, or where?" "I don't know; on the sidewalk."
This woman ... so, I took her back to the house, got ice for her, had to take off both b/c the smell is still here, and her attitude/actions (she's not quiet about anything). So food's still sitting in the fridge; there's been so much waste here ... due to turning down the fridge temp, popping the freezer door ope SLAMMING the fridge door (another reason I just KNEW we needed the bottom drawer freezer, NOT a top one that's HIGH for short people, anyway, w/stuff nearly above your head that you're supposed to go through w/o its falling OUT at you!
With a drawer, it would not pop OPEN when a raging door-slamming person SLAMMED the fridge door frequently! Then there's this attitude thing ... I've made plenty meals w/her going off ... but I simply cannot function with both the stench and her attitude combined ... together they push me over the edge.
What are we going to do ... ????????? I don't know, but I can't stand living on the edge like this ... she's gone off how many times, too, about feeling "guilty" about taking her dog in. So, I finally had to stop biting my tongue and say something (tho' I'm sure she didn't hear, w/her poor hearing she doesn't correct, and lack of response): "You're so worried, thinking you should feel guilty about your dog, an animal. Well, here's something you should feel 'guilty' about ... that you refuse to fix the PLUMBING in this house, and your DAUGHTER has to live like an ANIMAL, without being able to take a SHOWER !!! :'( Yes, I'm living on the edge, and feel I'm close to falling over it ...............
Prayers for somehow getting a home (leaving her to her own devices, to finally figure she needs to live elsewhere, as there's a basement here, too, and I think I'm not the only one ~~ due to back injuries that have made stairs hard for years now ~~ that stairs bother. I avoid them ... she gripes about them anymore. Told her to not go down them, since she fell just walking. LAUNDRY ~~ which I also have a hard time doing, so sometimes don't know WHAT to wear when I do finally coerce myself into the drizzle/dribble that's supposed to be a shower ~~ is down there, too. UGH! Need a *ONE LEVEL* place. :'( Lord, help! Thank you.
Actually your Mom could not just kick you out you do have some rights. she would probably have to go to court and get an eviction order which would take time and money.
Do you think the secretary will still be in the picture at that time? If she is not around to alert your step dad you may be able to get way with just dropping off the key. Do you think your Mom would notice the van? could you load after dark and move out at first light? DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF YOU WERE TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING. Blessings. You could even report step dad to your state's real estate licensing board as unless secretary also has a licence she is practicing real estate without a licence. keep that up your sleeve as ammunition you can use if necessary. Anyone out there who does have a licence. I used to but that was a long time ago
As for staying to be with your Mom until she passes, if she is still driving she still has a long ways to go..... my boss's wife had Alzheimer's.... for 14 years.
I absolutely agree that you should leave and this may be very difficult but sell everything except the two suitcases that you can carry. Buy a bus ticket and go home. Do not tell you mother or the secretary what your plans are. Prepare to leave at the end of a month when the rent is due. Leave a chang of address for contact with the utility companies for the final bill and notify them when you are leaving. Do this at the last minute.As you leave town mail a letter to your mother telling her what you have done and include the house key and forwarding address which can be your daughter. Tell mother she can keep the security deposit in leiu of the months rental notice. When you arrive at your new place go to a cheap motel that offers cheap weekly rates and hopefully cooking facilities. next day head for social services and ask for temporary housing. All you need there will be a few pans and dishes and an air bed and sleeping bag. You can get the rest cheaply thrift stores and garage sales. get food from the food bank and emergency food stamps. if you can clean houses and mow for your mother you can do the same for other people. You don't have to work an eight hour day but it should be enough to pay the rent. is there anyone in your home town who would rent you a room temporarily? Can you stay with your daughter?
You are a strong woman. you already got out of a bad divorce so you can do this. It will mean sacrifices but you are no stranger to that.
I realize you are 64 and in poor health but I know plenty of students who have rented fom others and just have a backpack and a bed roll and blow the matress up at night. I know one person on here who lost everything and pulled herself up by her boot straps found an abandoned camper and is living in it on a camp site.
lots of people have lost everything and turned themselves around. it is hard but it is only stuff. you are more important than that.
I agree you did the right thing going to DMV but it was wrong not to own up to it.
Forget about the inheritance, you probably won't get it anyway. the secretary is hinting at that so you stick around and take care of the old people so she does not get stuck with it in order to keep her inheritance. Have you seen the Will? You may not even be in it. You are responsible for yourself so follow your instincts.
i am a SW for protective services. Please rest asure that you did the right thing by contacting DMV but the wrong thing when you rescended your letter. As others have stated, own up to what you did and why you did it. I've assisted family members in situations like yours. There is no "easy" solution. Moving out of state isn't really fair to others that will be affected by her driving. Also, you leave the burden on the state to make decisions for her due to her dementia.
take a deep breath and contact your state's office of public guardian or Adult Protective Services and inquire what you need to do to protect and help your mother! Remember, it's easier to help now then to live with the guilt of her hurting an innocent bystander or herself.
h---? He HAD to stop. He wouldn't listen at all. So I simply took his keys from where he left them. He got angry at me but it broke the ice. It took a few weeks but I made driving sound like a huge chore to him, like it was a big bother. Then swooped in with "So where can I take you today?" Or "Where do you want to go?" "Let's go grocery shopping, what do you want to eat?" Never gave him time to think about driving, it's like I anticipated his next desire to drive and was in the driver's seat before he could say where's the keys. With God's help he backed off and it worked. And it'd be so much better if Mom wasn't landlord. It might be cheaper but it would keep you in control and keep things in perspective for you.