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Donna, so sorry about the painful phase you are experiencing with your Mom's latest symptoms. Others have shared great advice with you. Still, it has to be emotionally difficult for you to hear that coming from your Mom. Hard as it may be, sometimes it is best to not say a thing in some circumstances. Sometimes we can be damned if we do and damned if we don't. Instead, I have learned to whisper a prayer for my Mom, and for myself, when we are both faced with more challenging moments in Mom's care. May you, and I, and all of us who so desire, be blessed with greater serenity in accepting life's little curve balls.
Donna - my grandmother made terrible accusations about my uncle stealing from her and nothing we tried over 10 years convinced her otherwise. Eventually my uncle stopped visiting her because it just hurt him too much - he was the LAST person who'd do something like that. It's as though it was her explanation of WHY she was in a nursing home - someone took all her things so she could not live in an empty house. My Mom and I would change the subject or find something to distract her; it sort of interupted her train of thought but it didn't last more than one day. That said, she began EACH visit with the question, "Did ___________(his name) bring back my dishes and furniture yet? He sold all my things for booze you know!"
As painful as it is, remember that you can't take this personally. She may not realize who you are any longer - that you are a daughter - and may see you as competition for affection or attention. If she's living with you, it might be time to consider moving her to an alzheimer's care unit. This will give her other things to worry about and free you up to visit her. You can save up all your patience for visits and have your home as a place where you live "the truth". . You must look out for your own emotional well being too. It's a painful situation but you'll get through if you have some place and activities to distract your mind from the hurt and worry. Best of luck to you
Donna-Sounds lika paranoa or dementia to me---Is it possible to have her checked by a neurologist or your PCP? In the meantime-you will just have to go along with things..Do not try to have any confrontation with her, as you make just come out the looser-and can be very frustrating..
As a former caregiver myself-I know what the roller-coster ride is like~
Whew, can I ever relate to this one! My 89 yr old mom has dementia and has for the last month, increasingly been paranoid. Her accusations are, so far, against her neighbors; they're throwing eggshells in our yard, putting their phone service on her bill, and yes, making her constipated! It would be funny, if it wasn't so sad. We try to redirect her attention, pray with her, share the 23rd Psalm, tell her we'll keep her safe, etc...but she almost always comes back to it shortly and has an answer for everything! She sleeps an awful lot, but that can be a blessing in disguise, for my dad especially.
I may get her to a gerontologist soon, as the Namenda 2x day doesn't seem to be doing much. She now takes an additional 1/2 Celexa (per her PCP) in the PM, hoping that will calm her down a bit. My 90 yr old dad has very bad CHF and can't deal with her when she goes off & yells. My husband & I are there as much as possible, with two others helping too; not yet 24 hrs a day...prob won't be long! Just trying to keep them in their own home as long as possible.
Sometimes it just helps to vent to someone that's been there, and maybe even has some great advice. I just read "Learning to Speak Alzheimers" and it had some wonderful ideas too. Thanks for letting me share! ♥♥
Donna- It's sad,I know and it hurts I'm sure. Try to remind yourself that it's not her who is saying this but the illness. My mom went thru similair issue(she has dementia/alzhimiers) In the begining of her stay with me and my family she accused me of stealing-taking her food-told me consistanly that i was an ungrateful daughter and that I didnt deserve to live! I immediatly took her to her doctor to have her evaluated-he prescribed her medication that made her a completly different person-she knows at times where she is (that's the alzhimiers) but she is pleasant-caring and non-combative.Thank god for rispidol.it takes the edge off the dementia!!
u didnt mention if she has alzheimers or not? If so like was previously said, looking into placement sounds like a good option, that way there are no more accusations, and she probably half the time isnt even aware whats going on, she cant help it, i know my mother couldnt help it, when she used to get UTI's all the time, would start hallucinating and seeing all kinds of people and animals in her apartment that were just not there. This sounds like something that would be impossible to deal with alone, and must be putting huge stressors on u, its not fun hearing things like that, and wondering if she really believes them, sometimes they just conjure up stuff and wont get off the subject! Just do ur best to divert her attention away from that conversation, and move on to something else, if thats possible, I used to do that all time with mom, and it worked, just come out of the blue with any old thing to ask her, or divert her from her thoughts! hope everything turns out ok for u!!! hugs
Try to get her a thorough physical to rule out anything physical behind the change in behavior. Urinary tract infections, thyroid problems, etc. often manifest themselves first in behavioral changes. Then see if the Dr. can prescribe something for her paranoia.
Thanks Lynn. I've been staying with my parents since Jan. We may indeed need to think about that next step if the paranoia increases. Thus far it's been isolated incidents that go away when she falls asleep. Not happening thus far today. (though she just asked if Dad was cooking breakfast since "he's the best breakfast cook at this place," so maybe it's turning.) Yeah, having others to distract is key. I've usually served as distraction when she's angry at Dad, but we may need to enlist others. She is also probably battling lung cancer (no 100 percent diagnosis because biopsies failed and we don't want to try again nor treat because of the increased paranoia it brings.) Then those are those moments when she's enjoying herself and us and laughing and such. What a roller coaster. thanks for listening and offering your experience.
Donna: I agree with the other posts here, and would like to add just a few suggestions.
Try to limit any 'open affection' for your father (hugging, etc) while around your mother, UNLESS you are very careful. She does see you as 'competition' even if she still knows that you ARE her daughter! Of course I am not suggesting that you ignore your father, but it may help to reduce her 'suspicions'.
Also, if she goes to bed earlier than you and Dad, I am sure that she 'hears you talking, laughing, unwinding' and could construe this as flirting and even romantic behavior! You could have 'Dad' sit with her until she is fast asleep and then continue his night with you once she is asleep.
When my mother was at my brothers house, she thought his 'fiancee' was the mistress!! Since my mother thought that my brother was really her HUSBAND, any other woman was "the other woman". It created quite a few upheavals!! Even when she was here with me and they would 'visit' she would always ask "WHY did you have to bring that B%&$^ with you?"
Try as I might to have him visit Mom alone, he didn't, so the drama that went along with the visits was inevitable! Even when Mom was in the nursing home there were issues when Mom would see "HER" coming in the door.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
As painful as it is, remember that you can't take this personally. She may not realize who you are any longer - that you are a daughter - and may see you as competition for affection or attention. If she's living with you, it might be time to consider moving her to an alzheimer's care unit. This will give her other things to worry about and free you up to visit her. You can save up all your patience for visits and have your home as a place where you live "the truth".
. You must look out for your own emotional well being too. It's a painful situation but you'll get through if you have some place and activities to distract your mind from the hurt and worry. Best of luck to you
As a former caregiver myself-I know what the roller-coster ride is like~
Best to you and yours,
Hap
I may get her to a gerontologist soon, as the Namenda 2x day doesn't seem to be doing much. She now takes an additional 1/2 Celexa (per her PCP) in the PM, hoping that will calm her down a bit. My 90 yr old dad has very bad CHF and can't deal with her when she goes off & yells. My husband & I are there as much as possible, with two others helping too; not yet 24 hrs a day...prob won't be long! Just trying to keep them in their own home as long as possible.
Sometimes it just helps to vent to someone that's been there, and maybe even has some great advice. I just read "Learning to Speak Alzheimers" and it had some wonderful ideas too. Thanks for letting me share! ♥♥
Try to limit any 'open affection' for your father (hugging, etc) while around your mother, UNLESS you are very careful. She does see you as 'competition' even if she still knows that you ARE her daughter! Of course I am not suggesting that you ignore your father, but it may help to reduce her 'suspicions'.
Also, if she goes to bed earlier than you and Dad, I am sure that she 'hears you talking, laughing, unwinding' and could construe this as flirting and even romantic behavior! You could have 'Dad' sit with her until she is fast asleep and then continue his night with you once she is asleep.
When my mother was at my brothers house, she thought his 'fiancee' was the mistress!! Since my mother thought that my brother was really her HUSBAND, any other woman was "the other woman". It created quite a few upheavals!! Even when she was here with me and they would 'visit' she would always ask "WHY did you have to bring that B%&$^ with you?"
Try as I might to have him visit Mom alone, he didn't, so the drama that went along with the visits was inevitable! Even when Mom was in the nursing home there were issues when Mom would see "HER" coming in the door.