How do I help my mom after the death of my dad without giving up my own life?

Your feelings are not selfish, you are showing healthy self preservation and prioritization of your husband and kids. If your mom was still together mentally and emotionally she would never want to steal your retirement years in this way. Your first priority is to find out who, if anyone, your mother has designated as her medical decision maker(s) and as having her power of attorney. If this is done, and you are the POA, and have the signed copies to prove this that's great. We can go from there to discuss what your rights and responsibilities are.

If she has not given anyone powers of attorney it's vital to get that done while she's still able to do so. Health care decision maker is something she can sign at her doctor's office, or do on her medical online portal if she uses it. Powers of Attorney should probably be done by an attorney. You have a family, you should absolutely have yours done already, and if not this is the perfect time. You can make an appointment with your attorney, or find one, and hire them to do hers and yours. I really can't stress how critical this is for everyone to have in order.

Thank you! We do have that all straightened out already, thank goodness. :-)

Thank you! We do have that all straightened out already, thank goodness. :-) My brother and I are POAs and medical decision makers.

Definitely don’t move mom to your home, it will be a mistake for you both. Take her to a doctor for an updated evaluation, letting the doctor know ahead of the visit via patient portal of your concerns with possible dementia, depression, and anxiety, as well as safety living alone. You need more information on how she really is, and she likely needs medication for the symptoms you’re describing. You may need to act like you have more power than you actually do, and insist on some changes for her safety and best interests. I did this with my dad, he was resistant but thanked me later. I wish you well in finding the best path forward

You help your M by making sure that she is cared for properly, by showing her that you love her, by spending some time with her when you can, and by making sure that she is not alone – that she has company. You don’t ‘help’ by cleaning her house, or by sitting at her place with both of you bored.

You have the right thoughts, in that you DO NOT want your mother to live with you, and should not give into any pressure from her or anyone else to do so. Don't even move her closer to you, because that will take away the friendships and support systems she currently has and make her totally dependent on you even if not in the same place.

So, step by step, what specific things does she need help with? Is it cooking? Sign her up for Meals on Wheels. It doesn't cover a whole day's worth of food, but should take care of at least one or possibly two meals. You can get her frozen meals like Healthy Choice that she can microwave. You can get her ready-made fresh meals from the deli department. You go online and order the groceries for her, if she can't handle that. Or maybe she likes to go to the grocery store by herself, as an outing?

Is it cleaning? If so, help her hire a once a week or twice a month service (at her expense). That will get her used to having someone come in but no overwhelm her.

It is getting her medications right? I've seen services advertise that they will prepackage prescriptions and label when to take them. I haven't used that but maybe someone else here has.

Does she need help with bathing and hygiene? You could start with having someone come in once a week to help, and then progress. They may have a minimum number of hours per shift, so that could get her used to the companionship angle.

Is it bill-paying? Since you have POA, you can set most or all of that up on auto-pay.

Are you in touch with any of her friends? If she's too passive to reach out to them, maybe you could ask them to reach out to her with a weekly phone call or visit or invitation. Ask the friends that you know, and ask them to then ask the other friends in her circle.

Maybe contact her doctor about a low-dose antidepressant or other medication for her anxiety.

Do not feel guilty. You are doing the best you can for her. Eventually you'll need to reduce the frequency of your visits so that you and your husband can go on your retirement travel plans and other activities. Begin gathering information from assisted living and memory care facilities so that if that becomes necessary for her safety, you've gotten a head start.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your mother both is to tell her the truth. Now. That moving in with you is not a possibility. Love ya ma, but we're also in love with being empty nesters and want to keep it that way. Don't get into some long drawn out explanation and wind up apologizing for being "selfish", whatever you do! You've EARNED the right to live your life as YOU SEE fit now, w/o caring for an aged mother with dementia.

Help her find a nice hotel like Assisted Living that has a Memory Care attached. She can socialize and make friends and have a whole new life. Once she KNOWS that living with you is not an option. She will be "more ready" for change when no other options exist. Get POA for her in the meantime if you don't already have it, so you can place her IF need be once the dementia progresses and she refuses to budge. Trust me on this. I managed my parents lives in AL and then Memory Care for over 10 years, I know of where I speak. My mother was also incapable of making decisions, driving, paying bills etc. She needed managed care, especially once dad died. The widowed women flocked around her like geese and befriended her, it was great.

In the process of not allowing my parents and I to cohabitate, I saved OUR relationship and my marriage. I allowed my folks autonomy too which is nothing to sneeze at in old age. Mom lived to 95 with advanced dementia and was very well cared for by "my girls" who treated her like their grandma. The line to pay their respects when she was dying was a very long one.

Wishing you the best of luck with standing firm. My condolences on the loss of your dear dad.

Don’t take this on. Try no longer discussing things with her but telling her how it’s going to go in conjunction with her other children.

Excellent advice already given.

I moved my parents near me when my dad got dementia and my mom could not cope with him or with life. She also was never a strong, independent person and has always been very anxious.

My dad passed 18 months ago, and I still visit my mom three times per week because she has gone downhill physically since he passed and also just became more passive and fearful. She would much rather have me do things for her than anyone else. She almost never leaves the house.

The one thing I would do differently if I had to live it over again would be insisting they go to a continuum of care place. (I tried at the time, but she cried and gave me 10,000 reasons why it would never work and I gave in.)

We are also empty nesters and wish to do more traveling. My biggest problem is finding someone to fill in for me when we go out of town.

Don't EVER let mom move in with you! You can read on this site many many (did I say many?) posts from loving adult children who did just that, and now they are miserable. Mom doesn't get to decide that you live your life for her. She lives her life for her. Not you.

Many other people in the world have been widowed. Most people don't like life after their spouse dies. Many people figure out a way to live after that most important person in their life is no longer alive. Your mom can do that, but not if you prop her up, let her think la-la-la we're like sisters and hubby and I will love having you live in our house and every day I will plan something fun for us to do together and we'll be just like an AARP article, where multigenerational living is the best of all worlds and la-la-la. Until you, that is, have a nervous breakdown and hubby runs off with the gal from the car wash because you and he have no life together anymore. It happens. Or sometimes it's the pool guy.

Tell mom lovingly but firmly that she needs to move to a continuum of care community and start living again. It can be near you so you can visit each other, but she may be too busy with her new friends to have lunch with you every week.

Now. I am looking widowhood splat in the face as I write this. My husband is in hospice care. I chose his burial clothes today. We have had a wonderful marriage; he is my hero and always will be. I will miss him terribly. But I would NOT ever impose myself on my darling children and expect them to take care of me. No parent should do that! I'm making plans for life after marriage, and it will be a good one because I will make it so. Your mom could too.

I'm sorry about your loss. About your mom not feeling that she's ready for in home help, I think as her dementia gets worse, she will maybe never decide it's time for help. It seems it is unfortunately up to you to simply tell her that what you are doing already is too much for you on your own and that she will need to start making some changes now. Right now she has a bit of a say about it all, but if she waits the decision making capabilities will diminish. If you want at least be her advocate going forward, and get her closer so you don't have that long drive for whatever she may need outside of her caregivers, maybe look into independent living or assisted living for her in your area. The sooner the better, as the longer she waits it will get sooooooo much harder to handle the chaos of moving and being in a new place. People with dementia need sameness, so to get her adjusted to a new place closer to you now is my recommendation. You'll have to put a lot of time into the changes, but ongoing it'll be easier for you and her.

Moms generally will not look at their daughters and say, "I need to move to a care home." It's going to be up to you and your siblings to decide where to place her. Do not bring her to your home. Find a care home that is within easy driving distance for you or for one of your siblings that can visit. Set a moveout date and let her know it's time. She will be upset, but if you wait too long it can be much, much worse. In my mom's case she refused to move and ended up twice in the hospital before she accepted placement.

Your house is not set up for her and it can't be made to work for her. Most houses are not. You need wider doorways, bathroom/bedroom on ground floor, ramp to get in and out of house, grab bars, floors that can handle being urinated on and defecated on and disinfected after each of these incidents, which could be multiple times daily, and you will need special chairs and a bed. She will likely need a wheelchair at some point to go longer distances. You have to supervise her meds and all of her daily living activities. Basically, it takes a team and it doesn't sound like you have a team.

If you take her into your house you will be very sorry. Since she has dementia she will always go downhill, never getting better. It is not selfish, you are not abandoning her. It sounds like soon she won't be safe alone, and you would feel worse if she leaves the gas on and blows up the house, or wanders outside in freezing weather or leaves the water running in the sink for several days. These things can all happen.

It will cost you a lot of money to redo your home, and even then it will not be ideal. If this was something you could do safely for her and you, I'm sure you would. But if you've never done any of this before, then you have no idea what this entails. You are retirement aged, and you will not be able to safely lift her multiple times a day, on and off toilets and potty chairs, onto furniture (all covered in pads so the urine and feces doesn't get to the furniture. On the one hand, who cares about the furniture, this is your mom, right? I agree.

But it's still not going to be safe for her, or you. Talk to her about this, emphasizing the safety aspect. The lifting and even carrying can cause permanent injuries to you. Also, who will watch her overnight? When she starts falling, and she will, all old folks fall, you will need to jump up and call for help. In a facility the help will be there already.

I took care of my mom for 6.5 years. She just died this October. My sister and my husband were the other parts of her "care team". Mom was still driving and had a part time job just before she fell outside. She had mild aphasia that you would barely notice after 2 strokes about 15 years ago. She was paying her own bills in her own home. My sister lived with her. I moved into her house and took care of her.

We had to maneuver around the house which was not set up for an elderly person as she declined further and further. I made the choice to do this but as I told her and everyone else, if there came a time that it was unsafe for me to do this for her or for myself, we would reassess the situation, and everyone knew that meant placement.

I was much younger than you when I made these decisions and was relatively strong. My husband was also strong enough to pick mom up from the floor. If he was not here, I would call the ambulance. I had POA for financial and medical as well, so that made it a lot easier to handle the many many things that needed to be done. Mom had a host of health conditions that got longer as the time went on. I do not recommend doing this if you are retirement age and are not already in a home designed for a wheelchair user, including a shower stall for a chair that can be rolled into it. You haven't mentioned if your husband is on board with this. Mine was. If he isn't, and trust me, it's a lot, then you will have marital problems as well.

Almost everyone here will tell you the same thing. Don't do it. 40% of caregivers die before their loved one. If she is placed you can be the loving visiting daughter and not the hated person who has to say no all the time.

The only way you will have your own life is to talk her into Assisted Living near you if she can afford it. I would first get her a full physical. If her PCP feels there is some loss of cognitivity, see a Neurologist for a disgnosis.

By putting Mom into an Assisted Living you know she is safe. She will have 3 meals a day and snacks. She will hace socialization, activites and outings. You can see her every day, if you want, and enjoy just being her daughter, not her caregiver. You will have the freedom of traveling and enjoying that grandchild.

I have a split level with 3 sets of stairs. I took Mom in until her house sold. That would have helped pay for Assisted Living for a while. After 20 months it did not sell so I took the money she had and placed her in an AL which she acclimated to very well. I am not a Caregiver.

Its really no longer what Mom wants. There are others now involved in her care and their wants and needs are important too.

Sorry for the loss of your Dad.

Do not move her in.

Who is paying the bills? Set that up for electronic bill pay.
Who is getting the groceries and cooking?

Short term I'd hire a once a week house cleaner (with her money). Once that is going for several weeks for short term while you are figuring things out
send caregivers 3 or 4 hours a day. You can call these ladies housecleaners also. Do this while you are figuring things out.

Start touring places for her to live in your area. (Tour without her.)

2.5 driving hour each way is way too far for a long term situation

I am so sorry you are going through this! I am your age. I had the same thing happen, except my mom died five years ago. We quickly realized my dad would need a lot of support (mobility and health issues, including cancer diagnosis ). He moved in with us. It seemed like the right thing for him at the time, even though he did want to look at assisted living places (but back then had no funds for that either). Our lives (and especially mine as I do the caregiving) have never been the same. I won’t go on and on but know that the person you look to care for now will not remain the same. There can be unimaginable health crisis, infectious stuff, constant monitoring, daily runs to specialists and pages of meds with timing rules (I have had stretches of time where I’ve gotten up at four am daily to give med), fluid intake requirements, urine and fecal messes to clean up. You will have to monitor for things they drop that could cause falls, make sure shoes are secure, clothes clean and on the right way, etc. Falls can still happen, then there are wounds to dress and monitor. I have had to do IV antibiotics three times a day (yikes!). Dietary issues and preferences will have to be accommodated (I often prepare two dinners every night-one for dad and one for us), and so on. There are blessings amidst all this, as you love your parent. But after years of escalating needs, it can be exhausting in every way. I feel elated if I can physically go to the grocery rather than order. And since he doesn’t have dementia, I have it easier than many I read about! All my friends have moved on to the empty nest life/retirement life you described and are once in a while voices on the phone. My sweet husband who has been so generous and patient is very frustrated, because many days, we cannot even slip out for a meal together. (Because of some of his health issues, home care people are not possible at this time). My adult children have to come home to visit, we cannot travel to see them. And my husband is coming up on retirement and would like to enjoy the life he labored for while still healthy (and I desperately want him to have it!). Meanwhile, dad would really like more socialization and would benefit from it, but due to health issues now, assisted living may not work. But he is still very strong cognitively so a nursing home may not be appropriate either. It is now hard for me to get out to look at facilities, etc to see what options may be available if things keep spiraling here and I become physically unable to see to his needs.

All this is to say, I urge you to not feel selfish. I was raised to expect to care for my parents (my grandparents lived with us or near us for decades as I grew up). But I see a lot of pluses for dad and for us, if we had made other arrangements! My husbands cousin is a seasoned nurse, and she eventually placed her father in an assisted living (and he never lived with her). Maybe, if you took on caregiving, your experience wouldn’t be as arduous as mine is—none of my friends who have done something like this have had nearly the stuff happen that has happened to my dad. We just didn’t know what we were getting into, and you are right to stop and assess what could be…If you find a good, clean, responsible place for mom that SHE can afford, and visit often and let staff know you are involved and watching (and set up cameras I am told, to help you do so—letting everyone know they are there), you can be her daughter rather than caretaker. There is a world of difference in the relationship once you take on all aspects of care—something else to consider. Of course, if you are a Christ-follower, pray for guidance and wisdom!

Blessings and I hope it all works out for you both with much ease.

Don’t let her move in with you. DO NOT! You will regret it.

It is not selfish to recognize that you are not able to accommodate your mother moving in to your home and to take care of her needs as she ages.

She may be right about not making a big move right now. I have heard it said that a person should not make big life changing decisions while grieving a loss such as the death of her husband. Give her some time to grieve and get used to life on her own. You do not need to exhaust yourself travelling to visit her frequently.
She may be open to moving to a senior living community. Assisted Living or Memory Care, if that is better suited to her needs. There, she will have professional care, socialization with others in her stage of life. She won't feel so alone, and won't have the burden of taking care of a house on her own.

Please do not let her move into your home with you and your husband. Caretaking will destroy your life. Your Mom needs to go into a Memory Care or Assisted Living Facility close to you. Make sure you are her POA before she is diagnosed with dementia. She will be taken care of, have everything she needs, and be close enough for you to visit and maybe for others to visit as well. Once she is in a facility, don't get into the trap of feeling like you have to visit every day, or even call every day. It will drive you out of your mind - just the knowledge that I had to make the daily phone call filled me with dread every single day. Caretaking will suck your life and soul out of you. I know from experience - I foolishly spent the best years of my life as a caretaker. If saying all of this makes me a selfish b***h, I will fully accept that title. People are not supposed to live forever. I sure as heck don't want to.

Oh man can I relate!
my husband/I lived 5 hours from his 95yr parents . His sister died a year ago so he is only one to care for them. We sold our home/belongings left the life we knew (he had just retired…I quit working to move) and moved in with them a year ago to care for dad who had cancer. Dad passed away few months ago.
we are now living with mom who is 96 and quite capable for most part of caring for herself ….but could not live on her own. She is pretty sharp mentally….losing some short term memory. I feel so stuck. Feeling like our years of being retired and traveling to see kids in other states is on backburner. She could live to be 100!
AND YES…I feel like a selfish ______!!!
She has refused to even think of leaving her home. Dad tried to get her to do it 15 years ago…..she will not budge.
Sigh…. I try to remind myself that we will never regret helping her in her last year’s and how much we’ll miss her when she’s gone, but oh I feel trapped some days.!
Thankfully I’m in this with my husband and we enjoy each others company.
My advice…..don’t bring her into your home. We love our parents no doubt, but doing that is more than one is ready or even capable of doing!
Helps just to express this today

My condolences for the loss of your dad. Do not move your mom in with you. Find a facility to move her in. Great advice by our readers!