I’m 58 and my Dad is 78. I’m an only child and had to move him close to me after my Mom passed 13 years ago. He was an alcoholic and also just couldn’t take care of himself. He has caused all kinds of messes over the years that I have had to clean up. I have had to move him from several apartments and to an independent living facility due to hoarding, not cleaning up his apartment (causing bugs), inappropriate behavior towards women, getting drunk, not taking his medicines and so on. I’ll spare y’all all of the details. He had a bad fall and has now been in a long term nursing home for about four months. He is finally settling in.
They provide everything he needs but he is constantly calling me with “his list” of things I must do for him asap. He has done to me for over the past 13 years. I've taken care of everything for him because he couldn’t drive, didn’t have the ability to take care of his finances, manage doctor’s appointments, etc.
I got him the simplest phone I could buy and he is constantly calling me saying that he can’t figure it out but somehow he can call me. LOL He insists that the sound is so low that he can’t hear me but obviously he can. He is always calling for me to buy him candy, more shirts and shorts and so on. I have provided him with what he needs but seems to never be enough.
I have started not answering his phone calls. I know a lot of it is that he wants attention but I just can’t continue jumping at his every beckon call but of course I feel guilty for this. I have bent over backwards for this man my entire life. He was an “on and off” alcoholic for as long as I can remember and caused myself and my Mom so much heartache.
I’m trying to respectfully detach myself from him. He has been a toxic figure in my life. I have tried to do the right thing by him but I’m tired and want to live my own life with my own family 100 %.
How do I get rid of the guilt? Am I doing the right thing to detach some and let them take care of him. I feel guilty that he didn’t have the life he wanted but a lot of that is a result of his choices. He tried to do the best he could for me. He did do good but he was not there for me and Mom often enough. Thanks for any thoughts and suggestions.
After you’ve read and re-read and re-read, write another statement to someone else in the situation you’re in now.
Will you tell them that they deserve the feeling of guilt?
Will you tell them that “guilt” is a useless, destructive, hopeless, dis functional way of addressing the fact that you are being manipulated by someone who is NOT giving you something positive, and instead, pushing something on you that you are at full liberty to REFUSE?
We ALL dance with guilt at some point in the caregiving process. I did, when my hapless LO was locked in for MONTHS following her first COVID infection.
”If I’d only”…..”If instead…..” “I should have…” “Why didn’t I…”
None of my self administered “guilt” changed her life for the better. None of your self administered guilt will change his OR CHANGE HIM.
You are on the right track. You are letting him know that he must learn to depend on those who are PAID to help him, and NOT to rely on you. And do ‘t forget that alcoholics DO have choices, and many alcoholics CAN- dry up and care for themselves, and many CAN’T.
If YOU have access to an al-anon meeting, go. It can help YOU, and you deserve to be helping yourself. WITHOUT GUILT.
Guilt belongs to felons. What you are experiencing is the other g-word which is grief. You aren't god, so you don't need to feel you are omnipotent and that you are capable of "fixing" everything. You aren't. Life is full of grief, and this is all worth grieving, for your Dad's pain,and for your own.
We can tell you and we can sympathize with you, and we can attempt to reassure you, but your note to us shows you to be extremely bright and articulate. I know you know all the things I already said to you, the things others said. If you don't yet FEEL these things, just give it time, sticking to your guns meanwhile or do consider a Certified Licensed Social Worker who does therapy in private practice and is trained in life transitions.
Things are more clear to us when we are failing the best people in the world. I had stellar parents and a marvelous brother. My inadequacies had ZERO to do with anything about past history. They were simply my own limitations. You need someone to help you comb out that we are ALL limited, and that we ALL have a right to our own lives.
This isn't about Dad's former life. This isn't about what Dad deserves. This is about real life, about your own life, and about limitations. You have a right to your life; Dad already had his.