My father has been living with us for two years. He is 86. My mother was moved to assisted living memory unit In Aug. since then he had spiraled down. Hasn’t been to doctor in 5 years, very paranoid. Thinks his son and my husband are hacking his accounts, stealing and conspiring against him. He use to give us money for expenses and buy some food but that has stopped and no intention to start again. Always angry. Will not sign over power of attorney to me or my brother. He always fights with husband. Now he’s been calling cops every week telling them about all his accusations. He refuses to get evaluated and when we have any social services come in he bamboozles them into believing there’s nothing wrong. No service will force him to go with them. Cops can’t take him cause he’s not violent. Cops don’t believe anything he says. I looked up the call history on landline he spends all day calling lawyers and elder abuse centers and police. Woken up 8am cops at door. Can’t do this. Question is, is eviction my only option?
PS you need to take his car keys away.
Here's something you can tell him... the deployment of an airbag could be life threatening. He might be a good driver but someone else could be impaired and cause injury to him. If he saw a doctor, the Dr would tell him that he shouldn't drive.
I stepped away and she continued to call day and night, so I changed my number. Still, after a year and a half she hires homeless people and caregivers to bang on my door till I answer to tell me to call her. Also has family from around the country to call me on her behalf for sympathy. She is 82 with Parkinson’s and she lives with my 50 year old quadriplegic sister. They live in squalor and have spending problems and think everyone is stealing. She sees demons in the backyard and calls the cops, this happened to my Grandmother and ended up shooting herself trying to shoot the demon (she said the demon turned the gun on her). My mother has 9 guns hidden all over the house. I tell the authorities and her doctor this and they do nothing. They tell me it’s not illegal to make poor choices.
Last time I was there my mother had a 38 on her Walker with severe Parkinson’s next to my quadriplegic sister and the cop saw it. I wish I took a pic of it, I didn’t realize she meant it in a threatening way like a mafia boss
I would start proceedings to have him out of your house, it’s the only way you may dislodge him from his power position. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if my mother would’ve made it into my house.
I am trying to get my wife into a skilled nursing/memory care facility because she has terminal breast cancer AND schizophrenia. The SZ is the biggest issue. She berates me, then smothers me, calls her family and says she is in danger, called her sisters and they then called APS on me (her one and only caregiver). I was of course found not guilty. Hospice nurses come in 3 days a week and they were "helping" me get her into a facility when all of a sudden they decided my wife was of "sound mind" and won't make her go against her will.
What is wrong with this country? Millions of people are "trapped" in these situations and there is NOTHING we can do but sit and take it or put them out on the street....which of course I won't do
You mention being "her one and only caregiver". Also, "sit and take it or put them out on the street".
These is extreme thinking.
Marriage vows of in sickness & in health - a worthy oath.
What does this mean to you?
To me it means support. It does not mean I take on duties I can't do or burdens I cannot bear.
Your wife may have a sound mind to decide she does not want to move into a care/hospice home.
She holds no authority to make you her fulltime caregiver. That was & still is your own choice.
Your Dad wants to decide for himself (as we all do). He does not want to sign a POA. Is that correct? (Low trust, not understanding or just does not want to).
You are providing his accomodation in your home. Correct?
Is he INDEPENDANT in your home? Walks around by himself? Gets his own food? Cleans his room/area?
What areas has he become DEPENDANT that you have needed to take over for him?
Does he buy his own food? Contribute to bills?
"He use to give us money for expenses and buy some food but that has stopped and no intention to start again."
Dad is no longer contributing to the household financially. Is that correct?
Maybe he doesn’t see the need, feels entitled to free lodgings. Or maybe he is losing money skills. Or maybe he thinks he is being financially ripped off?
Elders thinking they are being ripped off deserve to be heard.
I would suggest an Aged Care Assessment to review Dad's living situation asap. From BOTH sides.
It is not working for EITHER him or you at the moment, so change is needed.
Change the number or take the phone away.
Yes, I would recommend you do what you have to do for YOU/R needs.
This behavior / situation will only get worse / more complicated as time goes on.
Do not wait.
No, you 'Can't do this." STOP.
The issue with medical exam - if it might work and likely it won't:
Tell him it is a YEARLY / ANNUAL EVALUATION that everyone is required to do.
Or tell him you are taking him for a ride to somewhere he'd want to go (yes, lie). This is for his own good, and you being able to maintain what is left of your sanity, energy, life. Do not continue on like this.
Lastly, if he won't sign legal documents what will help you to help him, then let it all go. Psychologically, you need to release yourself from this - one way or another. If he is deemed incompetent, then you can make decisions, of course. If not. The chips fall where they may. Certainly this isn't the scenario we ever expect or want with an elder parent. However, when the brain changes, we do what we have to do - for us (YOU) and the family member.
Gena / Touch Matters
I would contact social services to discuss how to help someone with his level of paranoia and dementia (and make sure to record some of what he says and does). You may even consider contacting a lawyer about landlord rights to see if there's anything other than eviction.
Maybe he's a candidate for Section 8 housing (again talk to social services), and you can evict him (after going through a legal process). Once he's out of the house others (his new neighbors) will begin reporting him to APS or calling 911. I bet he won't last more than 2 weeks before APS intervenes. It's tough, not the prettiest solution, but still a solution. It'll feel really really hard but then it will get better for everyone.
"I can tell him he has to switch power of attorney..."
Switch? Are you currently his PoA? Or is it someone else?
If it's you, what does the PoA document say is required to activate your authority?
In some cases it is 1 diagnosis of impairment and sometimes it is 2. If it is "durable" then the Power became active as soon as the document was signed. So, depending on what his document reads, you may have power to get him into MC or a psych wing of a hospital (depending on his behavior).
It's important to know who is his PoA in order to get the most appropriate advice from us.
"I like BarbBrooklyn's idea of calling 911 when he gets paranoid and then explaining that he might have a UTI or a stroke".
That would be my plan also.
Transport to ER.
Social Services stat.
Push for behaviour for investigation & dementia screening.
If there is UTI/other infection any assessments will have to wait until UTI resolved so he is back to his baseline. So that would be AFTER discharge (back at home). As Dad will refuse to attend any assessment service in the comminity, a home visit will need to be requested. However, he can refuse to talk with them.
This is indeed a tricky one.
Basically the OP will be awaiting *something*. A fall, confusion, aggression, paranoia.
May take few rounds of ER-home to move to to ER-Rehab-Home then ER-Rehab-Elsewhere.
Eviction will be required to get him out. He cannot continue to live there free and abuse your kindness and generosity. He sounds dangerous and vindictive. Why does he stay there if you all are (allegedly) so horrible to him? His accusations of elder abuse could cause serious trouble for you. He calls the cops weekly? He manages to "showtime" for Social Services?
You didn't cause any of this, and we all get old and must face the end of life. He has nothing to gain by defaming and implicating his family caregivers. He will be removed from your home, not force your family to leave and take over. None of you should suffer this behavior. Gather your evidence and find a lawyer.
Laws need to change in this country. When you invite a parent into your home and it doesn't work because of Dementia or abuse, you should be able to get help for them so they can leave. No one should be made to care for a person they do not want to. Many on this forum have a parent who refuses to leave. We should not have to evict a parent. There should be an agency that helps in placing that person. Either with an apt they can afford or evaluate for Dementia and agree the person can be placed based on 24/7 care needed. I know, dream on.
Time to tell Dad living with you is no longer working and he needs to go live with Mom. Tell him him if he doesn't go voluntarily, you will call in APS and have him forced to go. A little white lie doesn't hurt.
I like BarbBrooklyn's idea of calling 911 when he gets paranoid and then explaining that he might have a UTI or a stroke. Before doing this I would discretely video his behaviors since he seems to be good at "show timing".
Regarding his driving... if you think he is an unsafe driver, then the minute he pulls out of the driveway call 911 to report him. You can anonymously report him to his state's DMV (online). When I did this in both FL and MN I was able to give them a lot of detail, like DOB, driver's license # and specific incidences. Being angry or paranoid isn't enough of a reason to revoke a license. If you report him successfully the DMV will most likely mail out a letter informing him to come in for a test (and which test depends on what state he lives in). I would make sure the letter didn't get to him and if it does, don't remind him or take him to this appointment. Let his license expire, then when he gets in his car to drive, you call it in to the police and see what happens from there. This won't get him out of your house but may protect other citizens (and himself) if he's dangerous on the road, and may provide evidence of his cognitive deterioration.
I'm so sorry you're going through this crisis. I wish you success in getting him out and into appropriate care.
You took him in. That's a problem. You have made your home his home. Do you believe he is well enough to care for himself? If that is your belief, then yes, I would serve him with eviction notice and help him find a room or an efficiency apartment nearby.
If however, your father isn't well enough to be on his own you need to call APS, and the last thing I would do is want POA over an uncooperative man such as him.
Problem here with you taking money from him without a contract from elder law attorney and this should have been addressed along with POA before he ever moved in. Shared living expenses don't need to be reported as income or as output from his accounts, as he is paying his way on your electric, utilities, mortgage and etc. But without such a contract it DOES LOOK like you are taking money from your Dad or he is gifting you. Either is a huge problem if he needs, in the next five years, and Medicaid help.
I would suggest you and hubby see an Elder law Attorney now to have options how best to proceed because this has all already gone quite wrong in a few ways.
I wish you the best.
No paper trail for rent. Yes i will contact an elder abuse lawyer. Thanks.
Because people with dementia are losing their memory and get confused easily, this leads to anxiety. And because they are losing their reasoning and logic skills, they aren't able to bring themselves to a place of understanding or peace. He needs meds for his anxiety. He needs an accurate diagnosis through a cognitive and memory test or neuro-psych evaluation.
1) “He always fights with husband”. How does he ‘fight’? If it’s more than offensive language, if it’s a physical ‘fight’, can your husband ask the police to remove him? Would it be more likely to happen when his son is there, as well as your husband? Together they could ‘up the ante’, perhaps. They don’t need to be in fear, it just needs F to get physical. In fact, their 'fear' could be that they would have to deal with him physically, and that they might really hurt him.
2) “He used to give us money for expenses and buy some food but that has stopped”. Perhaps you stop providing him with attractive food. He doesn’t need to eat what you are eating. Mashed potato, frozen peas and a fried egg at every meal is quite a reasonable diet. Provide something boring but adequate, while you eat a more interesting diet, and wait for his stack to blow. He isn’t paying, so why expect ‘the best’?
3) He’s “calling cops every week telling them about all his accusations” which are “hacking his accounts, stealing and conspiring against him”. This is defamatory. Starting a defamation action against him is a fairly long shot, but threatening it is not. Tell him that you will be seeking damages, and how much they will be (imaginatively). If he doesn’t see a doctor, that’s what you will do. His own lawyer will definitely require him to see a doctor as part of his defense. He will need to prove that he is suffering from a mental illness, and it won’t be pretty.
This is a very tricky situation. It seems manipulative to wind him up like this, but you should not have to cope with it indefinitely either. These ideas might make you think about a different approach.
1 Fights, arguments. Not physical. Blames him for everything wrong in his life, sane for my brother. When we had behavior services come with police he was calm and police said we can’t take him. It’s a family issue. The other day my brother came from N Jersey and they both went in his room to try and talk, he screamed for us to leave, then he grabbed the keys and went to his car and it wouldn’t start. Hadn’t started it for 3 weeks . He sat here in cold car for 6 hours. Finally my son got him to come in.
2. He would give us $300 a month a pay food bill at ShopRite. If I make dinner I’ll bring some in for him, no words just thanks and I leave close door
3 if I start eviction it will be 60 days and I can tell him he has to switch power of attorney, see a doctor for evaluation and start contributing or the clock’s ticking
thanks for the insight
I am glad to hear that the cops don’t believe him but his behavior would cause me to be uncomfortable.
I think I would be tempted to install cameras so that you have proof that he is not thinking clearly due to his dementia.
I like Barb’s idea of calling 911 and saying that he is displaying symptoms of a UTI and then not allowing him to return back to your home. It’s worth a shot.
It sounds like he needs to be on meds for anxiety. Why hasn’t he been to a doctor in the past five years?
You can of course go the eviction route, but hopefully before then he will need a visit to the ER. And while there you make it VERY clear to the hospital social worker that he CANNOT return to your home, as you nor anyone else is equipped to care for him.
They will then have to find placement for him in the appropriate facility. And since he has no one as his POA, you can allow the state to take over the care of him, which may be best now.
I'm sorry that both your parents are suffering with the horrible disease of dementia. It sucks, this I know. But hopefully you can try and remind yourself that it is the disease speaking not your father.
Show up at the hospital separately and tell them that he cannot be returned to your home as he is a danger to himself and others.