My mom is 88 years old, with dementia and extreme anxiety disorder. She has limited mobility and is quite frail, but her organs are in pretty good shape, considering. My dad passed away 15 years ago. I am an only child, with a full time job and a marriage and life of my own. For nearly 7 years, I have been the case manager for home health care, the med tech, the business agent paying all the bills and supplementing her dwindling income, transport to every medical appointment, the grocery shopper and personal shopper, and the general contractor for every thing that goes wrong in a 60-year-old house. After the latest round of home repairs and a horrible experience where she pitched a fit at the doctor's office for no reason, I have had it. I can't do it anymore. We cant afford the home health anymore. And, she's miserable -- complaining, horrible panic attacks for no reason (since I have taken on all of the stressors), obnoxious and downright mean, refusing to make an effort to do the least little thing to help herself, refusing to eat, demanding that she needs more and more "help" no matter what I do. I had her evaluated for memory care 10 minutes from my house (actually I am amazed that they are willing to take her), which I have visited, checked out their inspections, and spoken to family members. I'm moving her there in a few weeks. Now I have to figure out how to tell her. I know that this goes against everything all of the "caring for your aging parent" books have to say, but I don't intend to give her a choice. What we have been doing for years is no longer working on any level. I am talking to her sister and her friends and hoping they will reinforce me (luckily, everyone agrees that I need to do what I think is best). I know she will panic. Maybe she will hate me. My plan is to tell her that this is the only way I can think of to help her, and that she needs to do it for me. But honestly, all I want is that she gets in the car. I promise to visit her, and I know her loyal friends will too. I think I may even be a better daughter if I don't have to be responsible for everything. (Am I really a horrible person?) Suggestions?
From your posts, this subject has hit a nerve for you on the various ways to move your loved one into a memory care facility.
As stated, there are some people that willingly go, some that you have to "sell them on the idea" and some you have to tell small fibs or say their "Doctor suggested it" to get them to move. Then there are the "hard core" holdouts like my mother. "I AM NEVER going into to a place like that." I brought it up once in the doctors office, who agreed with me and, I swear, I thought she'd take a swing at both of us. She was in Stage 5 Alzheimer's at the time.
I am a nurse. In my better judgement, I had mom take 1-1/2 mg. of Ativan (an anti-anxiety drug she had prescribed and took every night anyway) but I gave it the morning before we "went to the doctor." (Got admitted to memory care.)
Please understand that I would never just routinely dope up my mother. I also am an advocate for senior rights (I might be in the same boat one day!) But there ARE instances where medication is warranted. (My mother was very confused and started wandering in the senior apartment complex at 3am.)
Also, I would rather lie about where we're going (memory care) than get the police involved. But it IS a last resort to get them to go, especially if they are a danger to themselves or others or unwilling to leave the home. I would not recommend having to do that under most circumstances.
I am my mothers only child. She has a grandson that lives 500 miles away and is studying for his BS degree.
She also has 4 living brothers and sisters who are near her age.
My mom signed over her rights to me to make decisions for when she was no longer competent. Just about immediately she was no longer competent and I had to move her to memory care.
As for having the right to move her, I have POA, Advance Health Care Directive and a Last Will and Testament that all state that I have the right to make her living decisions. I don't need guardianship because all the documents name me. Also, who is going to contest what I deem best for my mother?
I understand that guardianship would be necessary in certain situations. However, no one is going to come and rip my stage 6 Alzheimer's mother out of my home.
Relocating a loved one really is all about what type of personality they have. Each case should be considered individually.
Maybe this approach will work for you. God bless you for all the care you've given your mom. She may not appreciate you, but all of us fellow caregivers admire your dedication!
After we enjoyed lunch on the patio, I excused myself to go to the ladies room and went to get the director of the facility.
This had all been arranged in advance. He gently gave mom a little tour and took her up to the memory care floor. I waited over a week to visit her. She was happy to see me and asked how I found out she was here.
HOWEVER -- even if pre-dementia discussions had gone well, after dementia sets in, and cognition is impaired, the loved one may well forget all of the prior attempts at cooperative planning. Still, 24/7 care is a must.
At that point, reasoning with the loved one will not work. For them, reason no longer exists. At that point, "loving deception" or "therapeutic lies" can be the only way to ensure proper care.
Personally, I hope I never to get to the point where I need to be "tricked." But at the same time, I hope my family will have the wisdom to "trick" me, and yes, use anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, if it becomes necessary for ALL of us.
My heart goes out to you since my situation is somewhat similar. I had been taking care of Mama's finances for two years when our "incident" occurred -- she got into her car one afternoon and ended up running out of gas 250 miles from home. Up until that point, I had not forced the issue when she refused to see her doctor or her take her meds (she had been on blood pressure meds and blood thinners, for Pete's sake, but quit everything "cold turkey" after deciding that she didn't need them anymore. And no, she's not a doctor!) After her little trip, I said, "No more" and took her to the doctor as soon as we could get in. Mama has always been an in-control, I'm in charge, nobody's going to tell me what to do type person but that ended, as far as I was concerned, when I finally had to face the fact that she could no longer make good decisions or be safe in her own home. There's a whole lot more that I could write but I want to address your concern about being a "better daughter." I, like you, ended up being more of an unpaid employee than a daughter. When I would go to Mama's, I would spend the entire time doing things, fixing things, unscrambling things; we didn't have much of a relationship at all, at least as far as I was concerned. Fast forward to now -- Mama is in a skilled nursing facility (she didn't qualify for assisted living) and although it took her going to an inpatient geriatric psychiatric facility for two weeks then adjusting to the nursing home for a couple more weeks, I can say for certain that this was THE BEST thing for my mama. She is being cared for, is around people, and is more contented than she's been in a long time. Now, when I visit (she's less than five minutes away) we go play bingo in the dining hall, make a late-night milkshake run to Sonic, or I just crawl in bed with her and rub her back. Our relationship has become sweeter than I ever dreamed.
Everybody's situation is different but I want you to know that you don't have to be afraid of what's ahead. Just do what you know in your heart is best for your mom and be assured that you ARE a good daughter, no matter what happens!
Hugs & Blessings!
Like many have said, do not tell her ahead of time where she is going. When she gets there, have staff distract her with some activity or something and then slip away. Yes, she may be angry or upset, but the staff is used to working with them, getting their mind off of it, telling them you'll be back shortly, whatever they need to. When someone with dementia makes such a big transition as that, their whole world is turned upside down for a while - no getting around it. So, they may ask you to not even visit for a while until she gets settled in a little bit and used to the routine and other residents and staff there. This might take a week or a month - just be patient. It helps to have as many objects of familiarity to her as you can get into her room or little apartment. And it helps for them to know as much as they can about her. Such as what her interests are - knitting or crocheting, reading, crossword puzzles, playing cards or board games, watching certain TV shows, bingo, adult coloring books, etc. What time she likes to go to bed at night and get up in the morning. Does she get cold easy (wears sweaters) - or too hot easy (dress lightly). Any little interests or quirks that help her to feel like they really know her and want her to be comfortable helps. And perhaps talk to them about having the doctor try a mild med to soothe her fears and anxiety. As long as they are not prone to over-medicate over every little thing.
You will still have certain responsibilities with her - supplying all her personal needs, maybe taking her to appointments depending on the facility, monitoring her personal and medical care to make sure things are being done to the best of their ability, etc. But there will be a lot that you will be relieved of (like taking care of her house) that should take a big load off of your shoulders. God bless, and good luck!
That's an awesome report regarding how your Mom has accepted her new environment, and how well her appetite has been since. Wonderful! :-)
You have done what needed to be done.----
Because of the mind problems, you will not be able to rationalize any of your actions to your Mom so forget that.
Your Mom is no longer present in that body.
Now what to do---
Ask for a Professional Counselor to come and explain the process to Mom while she takes Mom to the place where she will reside. Save your self the pain, you have given
and now is the time for you to let go. We ONLY"s are in an ever tightening squeeze
on ourselves.
Now you must be reasonable with you and your family, go to see her when you
feel up to the stress of seeing her in the new place---That will not be an easy task,
so take some support with you.
Peace, love and understanding to you all.......
NO, YOU'RE NOT a horrible person! Your reasons you explained for your decision are sound, for both the well being of your Mom and for yourself! I feel the more truthful you are with explaining it to your Mom - the better, even if she doesn't understand.
If your Mom was not ill with Dementia she would most likely understand and 'not hate you' for the decision, so don't allow any possible complaints from her to build up a guilt-trip onto your shoulders.
Was your Mom a social person before she became ill? If so then perhaps you could use that as a way to play up the positive, as an opportunity for her to be able to be more sociable. Did she like doing crafts when she was well? She'll also have an opportunity to perhaps express some of her creativity with new friends.
Surely there will be an adjustment period, but I believe based on the details you described regarding her and your life, you would be making the right decision to place her in a memory care center or equivalent type of living arrangement such as an adult family home.
One last point - your relationship will be more positive between you and your Mom. She'll probably identify that some time after she is living somewhere else. In that you won't have to do everything you do now for her, you will instead have the opportunity to have more of a normal 'mother - daughter' relationship. :-) For both you and her, that will be a time to create some new positive memories.
Best regards!
Even though we have talked about her going, sometimes she will be okay with it and at other times, she says she doesn't need to go. Of course, she forgets all of the conversations. Yes, I do feel guilty but I can't let her stay in her own home any longer. Just remember that you are doing the right thing and take the excellent advice that has been given here.