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I am an only child and my mom lives independently in a small apartment on my property. My mother-in-law lives in a nursing home in the same city. My sis-in-law rarely comes to see her or take her out, we do this weekly. My father in law is in another facility in a nearby city. Hubby and I are the only ones who go to see him about once a month (he has end stage dementia and gets routines upset easily).


All that to say, we had our first grandson two years ago, another is on the way and yet another will be here in December. We retired to have flexibility for our children who live 4 hours away and their grand babies, as well as our other children who live 10 hours away and their grand babies.


We now feel "stuck" and unable to live our dream of having two small apartments, one near one child and another one near another child, in 55+ communities.


My mother bucks at the idea of moving her to either place as, "Her doctors are all here and she knows this city." Since I am an only child and my dad has passed away, I feel stuck.


Has anyone else had this situation and what solutions did you come up with?

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Thank you to all of you who replied. If nothing else, I feel more at ease that it is not selfish at all of me to want to have my own life goals outside of caregiver. I am working on a plan where we can have a second home in Omaha and my mom can join us or not...
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Froggytlc
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What difference does it make if you are an only child or not? None, whatsoever.

You have a right to live wherever you choose. Your mom has the same rights.

There is a sweet elderly couple in my neighborhood that followed their kids around from state to state when their children were transferred to different areas with their jobs. They love it here.

Sure enough, the neighbors’ kids were transferred again and they told their kids, “We love it here and we aren’t moving again. We will get on a plane and visit you.”

You aren’t stuck, and mom can stay in her place. She can hire help or she can go into an assisted living later on.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 7, 2024
I have one more thing to add. You may feel alone as an ‘only’ child. I get that, but start reading threads on this forum about caregivers who have siblings that cause them 50 kinds of hell with their obnoxious interference.

They would be happy to swap places with you, because you don’t have anyone criticizing you but yourself. Pack your suitcase and live your best life. You’ll be fine and so will your mom.

Most siblings don’t help out . They are doing the caregiving alone, but with nasty armchair critics on their tails. Bet you wouldn’t appreciate that.

There was a past caregiver who was an ‘only’ child on this forum. After reading the comments from people who have troublesome siblings, he announced that he was glad that he was an ‘only’ child.

I loved my mom but I should have packed my bags for a different location.

I took care of my mom for over a decade with minimal help from my siblings. They had their reasons for not helping. I should not have taken on the responsibility of being a full time caregiver for as long as I did.
(3)
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You tell your mother you’re moving and then do it.

I don’t see the issue here. She’s not your responsibility. If you’re considering a 55+ community it’s high time to grow up and stop trying to please Mommy.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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I relocated 11 years ago to California from NYC to be near my only child and two grandkids, two more grandkids came along since then.

We are hands on grandparents when we are with our daughter’s family. But DH and I have been going back to NYC for one month stretches because my parents are 96 with a multitude of health issues.

I am glad I relocated when I did at 58. It made the transition much easier. Before that I only lived in NYC. I think it is harder to move the older someone gets.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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You're an adult and you don't have to let your mother run your life. She can move to a local assisted living if she's more attached to her city than to you. A move would be hard for her, but you shouldn't be her prisoner.

Getting away from each other might be freeing for both of you.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I tried Living Near My Grand kids for a year . I hardly saw them . The Mother Paid a Nanny $600 a week and I was a mile away . Thats the In thing is to have a Nanny . I was invited Over on Sundays from 3 pm to 6 Pm and same with Holidays a Half day come at 3 pm . Yet the other grand Mother Lives at the House for 3 weeks . I got stuck there in Virginia during quarantine so I did Not see them for 3 and a half Months because My son didnt want them touching me so no Play time . I made the decision to return to Boston . I did Not see the Kids for 3 years because I was caring for My Father . They Visited Last Easter But My son Had to take his 2 half sisters for some odd reason . I Realize I am really Not Part of their circle and I am fine by that . The World is different Now . I felt Like I was being treated Like an employee .
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Reply to KNance72
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They don't call it the "sandwich generation" for nothing, do they.
You are trying to juggle a lot, and have a lot of family and a lot of family having MORE family, so it won't be easy.

The decision you make will have to be made the best way you can do it. I think we here can only wish you good luck. Just let everyone know how much you are trying to juggle, how difficult it is, and that you will do your best.

You have mentioned one elder having very advanced dementia. I don't know if so advanced that he actually doesn't KNOW when you are there but that would be one way you are able to cut corners a bit.

Wish I had an answer, but I surely don't. You have my sympathy.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I’m assuming your mother is competent .

You tell your mother you are moving .
She can choose to stay in her current city , or move along with you to a new city . Either way she will need a new apartment , as I’m assuming you would sell your current property .

Either way it’s her decision . You can offer to help her find a senior apartment to live in . Do not move Mom in with you .

Let her know that you will not be putting your life on hold indefinitely .

As already mentioned if Mom stays and you move , then Assisted Living may be a good option for her .
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Reply to waytomisery
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It is difficult, feeling like you are being pulled in both directions. Sorry your family is so spread out. DH and I have our siblings, living parents, kids and grandkids all local, which is great, but after my mother died last year my sister and her husband moved in with my father. He is almost 91, at some stage of dementia and is closing in on two and a half years of dialysis. I work full time but try to help out with the grandkids as much as I can, and I have told my sister if I have to choose between doing something for my dad or doing something for DH/kids/grandkids, dad doesn’t even make the cut. But I haven’t followed through because at least a couple of times my daughter-in-law needed something and I wasn’t able to help because I was already scheduled to pick up dad from dialysis.  My sons have their lives, I am not going to ask them to help with dad unless I have to. I don’t know what the answer is, Froggy, but I’m really getting tired of this. Glad we have this Forum.
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Reply to YaYa79
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Your mother, MIL and FIL have all had their lives, now it's time for you and hubby to live yours and enjoy those grandbabies, as you will never get that time back with them.
So your mother either moves with you(if that's what you really want)or she stays in the city she's in now but moves into an assisted living facility, where you will have peace of mind that she is being looked after and taken care of.
It's your life, so start taking charge of it. Your main priorities MUST be yourself, husband, children and now grandchildren. Period.
Any parents fall way down the line after the main ones. It sounds like you've lost sight of that.
Hopefully you will be seeing more clearly soon.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I placed them in a facility, where they had their own apartments and 24/7 care, one in AL the other in MC.

Me, I had/have no intention of giving up my life for them, they are well cared for and visited on a regular basis.

Since she doesn't want to move then she can continue on in AL, come and go as she likes, visit her doctors and so on.

Take your life back...remember you only have one...you are only stuck if you choose to be.
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Reply to MeDolly
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