How do you cope with someone calling you to come back every time you step out of the room?

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How do you cope with someone calling you to come back every time you step out of the room?

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I’m helping my mom take care of my 87 year old grandma, who has dementia. If we both need to leave the room to do anything my grandma almost immediately starts calling our names over and over until one of us comes in. She’s well taken care of and doesn’t need anything.

I feel like I’m tied to her room and I can’t get anything done. Sometimes she starts as soon as she wakes up at 5:30 or 6:00 am.

I love her and we’ve always been close but she does have a mean streak so sometimes I just need to step away to take a break but she won’t let me 😂.

She’s called me in the room twice since I started writing this post. I assured her I was in the next room but she said she wants me in her room.

any advice?

Thanks!

Alzheimer's & Dementia Family Caregiver Grandparent

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ignore it. Every time you wait and then go in you reinforce the calling. Make sure she Is ok. You can buy a camera for 30 bucks online that you can use to check on her. Go in when she has stopped calling. That is the behavior that will help both of you.

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I was shopping with my sister and her fussy 9 month old son once. We stopped by a display of car seats, each one had a life size cardboard baby strapped in. The baby was distracted by the fake babies and babbled happily away. Maybe you could get large photos mounted on card and place them where grandma can see them.

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Imho, be creative - 'I went to take a shower/bath,' 'I am on the commode,' 'I went to grab a sandwich,' et al. It is common for some elders to not want the caregiver out of their sight as they are frightened and other things.

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If moving her out of the room isn't feasible, how about a mirror so she can see herself? Or framed family photos to look at?

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You handle this the way you would if it were a toddler doing the same thing. 99% of the calls you can ignore.
This is a way to reassure themselves that they are not going to be left alone.
It depends on where grandma is. Is she in a bedroom? If so bring the bed into a room where there are people and activities. It gets lonely in a room all by yourself. If she is in the living room and you leave the room to go to the bathroom or into the kitchen, ignore the calls

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If you know she is looked after and doesn't need anything - simply don't go back. If you don't feel comfortable with that tell her before you leave the room you will not be back for 10 minutes, half an hour, whatever. You may do better starting with a short time and building up, but once you leave you must stay away for the stated time. WANT is not a good enough reason for having you there for no reason all the time - you have a life and other things to do.

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I don't mean to sound flip, but I would just pretend I didn't hear her.

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My dad is 90 with Alzheimers and I pretend not to hear him all the time when he constantly calls me. It does work,

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My mom sits in a chair at a card table in front of the TV. I put a movie in the Blu-Ray player of her favorite shows like Mama's Family, leave it to Beaver, Andy Griffith, Bonanza, etc. My mom watches her shows plus fiddles with her clothing catalogs at the table. It keeps her remarkably busy. I give her snacks and drink while she is occupied doing all this. In the past she would fold towels and match socks but lost interest over time. When I leave the room, I always tell her "I will be right back and tell her what I need to do" I never just walk out of the room leaving her wondering because I know she could get up and fall which would only cause more problems. Just tell her every time you leave " I'll be back in a few minutes" or " got to go to the bathroom" or whatever you are doing. For whatever reason they get afraid of being alone which if you were in their shoes, you would do the same thing too. My mom asks at times if everything is okay because she can tell when I am feeling stressed or upset. My dementia mom still has empathy for others. I keep her included which makes her feel safe.
Now, you should consider telling her doctor about the meanness because you need to remember her brain changes often and is no longer normal. The doctor can prescribe some medication for her to stop the combative behavior. Addressing these issues could make things a lot easier while you and your mom are caring for her. Just treat her like you would want to be treated.

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good answers here. I would rule out each possible cause':
1. boredom- does giving her a chore like folding towels or doing a puzzle help her not call out. Can she be distracted looking at magazines or books from library?
or
2. fear- can she be somewhere in the house where she can see you as you cook or
do other house chores? Does she had bad dreams and is afraid they may come true? Is she afraid of falling? Does she have no memory that anyone is in the house when she is alone in the room- has dementia progressed that far? Ask the dr and talk to the dr about anxiety and meds

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If she has problems and is mean, why on earth are you cow-towing to her? See her and tend to her once and if she starts calling you again, just WALK OUT AND IGNORE HER. DO NOT LET HER BEHAVIOR DESTROY YOU. Just get tough and think of YOU first. You do not deserve this. Ignore her.

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Turn a radio on as a distraction. Or music she likes (opera? reggie? Sinatra?)
The more you 'give in' to your behavior, the more she will continue to do it.
Assuring her likely doesn't compute in her head.
If a mean streak, all the more reason to set your limits and stick to them.
Gena / Touch Matters

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I feel for you. My mother's living on her own still and hasn't reached that stage, yet! I'm wondering if it's because of her cat? Could a pet be substituted for your attention? She could give her attention to a pet and feel needed and not alone? It's just a thought, pet therapy has calming effects.

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My mom has a stuffed animal in bed with her. A real pet would just be one more thing to take care of.

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My mother ( who does not have dementia ) is 87 and she does this to me constantly. To head some of this off, before I get up I announce to her where I am going. "I need to go to the bathroom". She will look at me and say "ohhh". A simple explanation before you leave the room sometimes stops this.

A few years ago we were at a relative's house getting ready for a funeral. I went to go change my clothes. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, etc and getting ready to change my clothes. I could hear my mother asking people "where's ______" over and over. Finally I yelled from the bathroom "I am in here getting myself ready for the funeral". When I came out my mother was on the other side of the door. "Why didn't you answer me if you heard me asking where you were". "Because I had a mouthful of toothpaste". "ohhhhhh".

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I have the same issue, but with my mom. I do not respond immediately anymore unless I am walking by when she says my name. I know people can be opinionated about this, but I am learning we all cope in different ways. Nobody is NOT being taken care of, and we all have to maintain some sort of balance.

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Make sure she has a drink like coffee.then tv or music on.get some magazine subscription s for her to read.. hospital side table to put a phone and drink.my motherinlaw is bed ridden and depends on me for everything too till I put this table by her bed.she feels more independent.

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She is having anxiety if she doesn't see somebody. Talk to her doctor about a mild anti-anxiety medication. Also, try distraction techniques before you leave the room: put on the tv, put on some music, give her a craft or task to do.

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My 97 yr old Dad with Dementia is like that. He feels more comfortable when someone is in the room with him. Like a little child feels comfortable sleeping with their parents.
I purchased a real soft tufted Automatic Recliner and for the last two years, my Dad has been living in the Den where the TV is and is where the action is.
He likes sleeping in his automatic recliner and it is easier to get in and out of then his bed and he's never had a bed sore. I also purchased a seat pad for his recliner.
His feet don't swell either, because they are always elevated.
So much easier to transfer him out of the Recliner into his wheelchair.
You should try that with your Grandmother. At least during the day.
I think my Dad was just scared being by himself.

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Just watch out if they are too weak and decide they can do for themselves. My father would forget he was no longer strong enough to stand on his own and kept dumping himself out of the chair. The staff as SNC finally moved the chair out into the common area to keep an eye on him. They'd get him set up unplug the chair and when they noticed him trying to climb out of the chair, they'd plug chair back in and transfer him to his wheelchair. Oh the number of phone calls I got from him trying to stand on his own.

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This brought back a memory of a home care patient I had. It was an elderly woman who lived alone. Her niece by marriage gave up her apartment and moved in with her teenaged son to care 24/7 for her. Patient had a medical alert, was well cared for but very difficult. Niece had her set up in her lounge chair, tv on, tissue and a glass of water next to her. Told her she was going upstairs to take a shower. Then she heard loud banging and shouting. Ran downstairs with a towel on to find the police and fire and ambulance at the door!!! Patient had pushed her medical alert button because she had dropped her tissue box on the floor!!! Not the first time she had done something similar. The alert was taken away as these emergency calls were about to be charged. I had to add my take to the authorities that this niece and her son had been taking great care of her and she was never in the home alone!! Social workers had quite a challenge with her!

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this will happen with dementia patients, when my dad was in a NH there were some people constantly calling for the nurses by name when they really didn't need anything, but just wanted to see them. IF you know she is fine, you could get some music and play for her OR you could put on some sound silencing headphones for a little bit to drown out her calls. (but that is if you know she is fine and doesn't require anything). they go thru so many different phases. my mom said my dad (when he was at home) would open the front door at night and start yelling for me (i live 2 doors away). She would tell him that I couldn't hear him calling, but she said he would do it every night. You can take a break, just tell her after her needs have been met (changing her, bathing her etc), that you are taking a break and that you will be back in half hour or whatever time. do not put a clock in her room or she will definitely start yelling when your time is up. I wish you and your mother luck in taking care of her.

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For your own state of mind as long as you know she doesn’t need anything the best thing to do is ignore her or you will end up resenting her my mums had a urine infection she is 81 and I got that I hated the sound of my own name she called it that much I ended up ignoring her as I felt she was pushing my buttons don’t let it get to you or she will continue to do it just try ignoring her or tell her you are busy

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Yes! I have told my husband that same thing... that my mom has made me dread the sound of my own name. It is the craziest thing. Thanks for being truthful.

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Thanks for all the great advice! I’ve been trying to ignore it some to get a break and it has been much better.

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GardenArtist,

The way you took care of your sister is a different situation and I commend you for doing so.
In this case the grandmother has dementia and could very well live for years. Dementia doesn't get better. It gets worse. They have to break her out of the habit of needing someone to be in the same room with her 24 hours a day. Nobody can keep that going indefinitely.

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I did elder homecare for a very long time and have known many families with exactly the same problem as yours. An elder who must have someone in the same room with them 24 hours a day.
I will tell you what I've told every one of them and it works.
You and your mother have to ignore her sometimes. When she calls continually do not answer her every time and do not go running to her.
When it's time for her to go to bed you and your mom's "shifts" are over. The only thing you do for her at bedtime is give her some water or take her to the toilet a couple of times and let that be the end of it.
This situation is similar to having a baby. Mom shouldn't go running in every time the baby squawks a little. Sometimes you have to let a baby cry a bit. It's good for them. If mom goes running in every time the baby makes a sound, they will never be able to be left alone. The same applies to elderly people. Even ones with dementia. I'm sure this will be hard for you and your mom, but you're just going to have to let grandma squawk a bit. Other wise one of you will have to stay next to her 24 hours a day.
You can arrange her environment in a way that helps. Leaving a tv on for her set to a channel that plays all the old shows 24 hours a day. Or a radio with nice music playing low enough that she can still go to sleep at night. Making sure her room has a nightlight on.
Or her doctor may prescribe anti-anxiety meds to help her.
You and your mom have to stop running to her every second. That has to stop because the two of you will get worn out quick. Good luck.

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I agree that she is probably afraid to be alone because while she doesn't know what is happening to her, she knows deep down something is off making her very afraid.

I also agree if she is in a more central location where she can see you and your mom while taking care of other tasks. Does she like music? Maybe when you have to leave if you can have some soothing music for her to listen to while you are away. Also, leave her for short periods and try and build up the time away from her. The only other thing is to make sure her needs have been met and ignore it for a while.

Maybe its time to try another medication to take the edge of the agitation. Realize it can take a couple of weeks for the drugs to build up in her system; but keep on the drs until something is found that works.

I wish you all the best.

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I’ve noticed something recently that I actually learned in college, but have recently been reminded of by my cherished LO, who has survived 2 Covid infections.

When I first began visiting after months and months of being away from her, she would repeat “Please help me, please help me, please help me……” endlessly, when there was nothing obvious that she needed. I think her current neurological status makes it difficult for her to put the verbal brakes on.

My reaction was to tell her I’d help her if she needed something and then immediately launch into a conversation about something interesting like grandchildren, weather, clothes, family memories…..whatever.

As I visit more regularly now, I notice that she doesn’t seem to need to be doing this nearly as much as before.

Does she dress and come out of her room? Maybe if you inundate her with chat, she’ll welcome being quiet a little bit more than she is now?

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Nurses and CNAs in hospitals often seem to have developed advanced skills in ignoring this kind of calling out. Beats me how they do it! - I haven't yet got to the stage where I can just blank someone who's asking for help, or even just attention.

How does your mother cope with it?

It does look as though you're going to have to divide your grandmother's calls between two lists: needs, and wants. Once you're sure she has everything she Needs, it will then be up to you how often or how quickly you respond to what she Wants. Got any earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones??!!

Also - as long as one of you is in the room, is your grandmother then content, does she stop calling out or asking repetitive questions?

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Countrymouse,

Nurses and CNA's learn the difference between need and want as you said.
I can always tell the difference between fussy and there is something wrong. You have to blank out when it's just boredom and want for attention. Otherwise no one would be able to do this line of work because they'd be burned out after one week.
Anyone who's a parent knows how to do this too. When the child is a baby you know the difference between a squawk and a real cry because the baby needs you.
The same with elderly. Anyone who's been a caregiver knows the difference between fussy want and actual need.
You have to ignore sometimes. If someone goes running every second, it will get worse.

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I see two primary issues, either or both of which could be present.   Those who wrote on the need to be with people offer excellent insights.    The fear of being alone can be overwhelming.   OTOH, there could be manipulation involved, in which case, taking a stand against being there constantly might help.

But w/o knowing which issue prevails, I'd be inclined to think that the dementia is the dominant factor, with a touch of controlling needs. She's losing cognizance, perhaps awareness of where she is, and is fearful.   And that can also contribute to her need to have people she knows around her.

I second the suggestions to bring her into areas where she's not alone, and try to find ways she can interact despite her dementia.   The "folding towels" suggestion is raised here periodically; that might be an option, depending on the level of her dementia.

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GardenArtist,

How can these people, or any caregiver be with a person 24 hours a day? That isn't possible to keep going for any length of time. The grandmother would not have someone next to her 24 hours a day in the best nursing home either.
She will adapt to being left alone in a room for periods of time. She will have to. If anxiety is a possible issue her doctor can prescribe medication to help with that.

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When my husband who had vascular dementia first came home after almost dying from aspiration pneumonia, and was completely bedridden in our living room, he would do the same thing. He was calling my name constantly, and we live in a small one level house, so it wasn't like I was going far. I would always before I left the living room tell him exactly where I was going and why, thinking that would help, but it didn't. It was driving me crazy, and so I mentioned it to my local caregivers support group, and one of the seasoned caregivers told me that it was probably because he was afraid, as he was now bedridden, and just wanted to know that I was near. That changed my perspective, and over time he only called me when he needed something.

If grandma is stuck in a room off by herself, you may want to try putting her in a more centrally located room, such as the living room during the day, where she can be part of the action, and then bring her back to her room at night, and see if that won't help.

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Think about it, you have no idea what is happening to you. Your world is strange. You don't recognize it. Your scared to be alone. So of course you want a familiar face.

Is there a reason grandmom needs to stay in her room all day?

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I believe this phase is part of "shadowing". I just experienced this on a recent trip out of state to help my 99-yr old aunt with mod/adv dementia and her 102-yr old sister who has almost no cognitive or memory impairment. They lived their whole lives together and the younger one (who is not very mobile) yells (sometimes screams) continuously for my other aunt every time she leaves the room. It's a small house so hard to get away from it and my poor auntie can't help but respond. We have to ignore it. The other tactic we tried is to seat her in the kitchen where we were spending most of our time. We gave her "tasks", such as folding a large pile of kitchen towels, sorting colored poker chips and sorting and pairing socks. As long as she wasn't yelling for "Anna!!" continuously we could manage. Good luck with this!

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How do you cope with someone calling you to come back every time you step out of the room?

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