How do you know when you're not the right sibling to care for a parent?

It isn't a matter of which sibling is the right one. Perhaps NO sibling is. Sometimes several are. It is a matter of can you do 24/7 care of anyone. I know I never could, and that is for the best and sweetest of the bunch. I am just not up to it; that is a personal limitation. I might wish it were not so, but it is. So you gently explain that you are sorry, but you are not able to do this.

One way to find out is to have a heart to heart with them.

I saw my mom this week, short visit, and she really pulled on her big girl panties and told me she didn't want me to be involved in her life, didn't want me to clean ever again for her, nor wash her windows, nor 'help out' in any way.

Maybe that should have hurt, but it didn't. She and I are polar opposites in so many ways. We don't get along, she triggers anxiety for me that is awful and I must do the same for her. Even when we lived at our family home, I wanted to clean and organize and she fought me tooth and nail over my 'organizing'.

States her apartment DOES NOT GET DIRTY--which really is her way of saying she cannot see well enough to see ropes of dust and grimy countertops, not to speak of the stalagmite that is growing in her shower where the shower head drips non stop, It's about 6" high and a real tripping hazard and she can't see it.

So, no more trying to 'fix' her problems, no more visits when I am feeling crummy--I guess I am basically dead to her. I had not seen her in almost 6 months, she forgot my birthday as per usual, and I take the hint. I don't matter.

Hello, imtrying. Here's my experience: It so happened I was the child that made the most logical sense; one had a fulltime/demanding job (but lived in town), and two children, and the other child lived 200 miles away. I found myself in forced early retirement, and smarting from a recent 30 year relationship end--so it made every practical sense for me to 'move in with mom'. I happen to be the most 'sensitive' one of the three of us. I gave myself a solid B+ as caretaker for 5 years (during a very tumultuous period when my mom fell down and had 2 major surgeries from three 'bad' falls, and then a series (3) of 'mini' strokes. It was full-time specialists, physical therapy, and physical caretaking for most of that 5 years. My two sisters were of the opinion that 'I couldn't handle it' [emotionally], because I tried to keep them 'in the loop' which they did NOT appreciate, and accused me of being 'hysterical' and exaggerating (which I was NOT, they just didn't want to be bothered).So, after about 2+ years of THAT noise, I gave them 30 days notice that I'd be moving--far away. imtrying, if I'd had their support, I would've kept on indefinitely, and doing a good job. Now the two of them are limping along/patchwork-style, and have hired a caretaker to come in in the morning to get mom up and going (which I never had). Also, primary care doc said directly "she can never be left alone (because of the falls)". So, they now of a caretaker, and have decided that mom's perfectly fine being left alone for a few hours at a time. Interesting--if they'd 'caught me' doing that, they would've crucified me.

End result: I'll take comfort in the fact that, since I am 'the most sensitive', it would've taken a larger emotional toll on me than on either of them. I have come to accept and embrace that, and am actually relieved! The irony, though, is that I, among the 3 of us, really is/was the 'best' caregiver. Neither of them are as 'good' with mom as I was.

GOOD LUCK, keep us posted.

It will not get better in time. Your mother has been emotionally abusing you. If she is living independently, start distancing yourself so that she relies more on herself or other people. If she asks about why you're not visiting as often let her know that her comments hurt you & you're protecting your mental health. Maybe have a family meeting to announce that you're going to spend less time there & find ways in which you can help outside of the house, maybe grocery shopping for her. Your should only give mom money if you truly want to, otherwise use your money for yourself & your family as well as your future. She wants you there because she has someone to complain to & you're putting up with it. If mom refuses to wear her hearing aids, don't talk louder or repeat yourself & maybe she'll put them in. Set your boundaries with time at her house & your interactions with her to help increase your value of self worth. You've been putting up with it, but for your sake you need to change in order to start building up your self worth by surrounding yourself with positive thinking people & those who can support you in that way. Help your mom find a housekeeper, order her groceries, etc., but spend less time there. Therapy for you may be helpful. Good luck, I'm pulling for you.

She will be that way and it will only get worse..either you can handle it or you don't. And if you want to get out of caring for her you need to get another siblings involved now..hire someone part time to help give you a break.. assistance living is the start.

Have you told her how her criticism makes you feel? It seems like it has been her habit for many years. You can try to lessen this by showing that you will not put up with such behavior anymore. I myself had to deal with my father's constant nagging and criticisms. Finally, I could not take it anymore and had a talk with him about how frustrating and discouraging it made me feel. Of course, he blew a fuse, saying that I was making a mountain out of a molehill. But I noticed afterwards that he refrained from making more complaints. We also need to show others how we want to be treated.

If you feel like you can't be the caregiver, then it's best to lay it out and discuss with the other family members. Not everyone is cut out for this job, but that doesn't make you a "bad" person. Have a discussion with the other family members and state what you can and cannot do for your mother.

She wants you there because she knows you would not challenge her. NO conversation or agreement will change her behaviour..she'll always blame you. Just arrange an experience carer (trained on challenging behaviour) to come and suport her. She is showing all the signs of a personality disorder (narcissism... yes it is a diagnostic). Leave and live your life... and visit. She will feed from the guilt feeling she's planted in you because it is 'suppose to be' your duty to care. She is an adult person and you don't need to do it 1-to-1. Break free and rebuild your life. I am a professional carer but worked with a partner with same behavioural pattern. There are professionals that can help YOU realise there is no way to go but to leave. Your sanity is first. Go to an expert Youtube channel and read the signs.

Imho, it is not uncommon for an elder to buy hearing aide(s) only to keep them in a drawer for whatever reason. This most certainly makes it difficult for those around them since the elder talks louder than normal, does not hear well at all and responds very much incorrectly to comments and questions. In all likelihood, you cannot change the elder. I do hope that you can get respite soon, else you fall faint and ill,. Prayers sent.

My mother is a very similar person so to save my sanity I have backed off some. I'm not as available and have reduced frequency and length of visits. My children told me to let her have a chance to miss me. Its always been a difficult relationship with her. My sister walks on water and my brothers, once her favorites, are both estranged from the family. See that her needs are met from afar if you can.

Don't assume she would be any happier in the other sibling's homes either. It's her personality. If she is still sharp, it might be time to share the care with others and let her spend some time in other sibling's homes. I wouldn't suggest it if there is dementia issues because moving around can create quicker decline. My siblings have said we all have a different relationship with my mom. It is true - I don't argue with her over trivial stuff like they do. They snip and she snips back. However, it doesn't mean she never snips at me (as they think). I simply tell her I'm not playing the mean game with her and give her time to tone it down a notch. What they get angry about with her is the exact same thing they do. Actually, they are more like her than I am!

As for the hearing - start talking in a normal voice and do not raise it or repeat yourself to accommodate her. If she asks what you said, hand her the hearing aids. Once you start talking louder, that's how it will be (trust me, I grew up with lots of hard of hearing people and talk loud all the time now which can be annoying to people who haven't been around hard of hearing people). If you are already talking louder - she is probably correct, she doesn't need the hearing aids.

Your mom will never be satisfied with you. It is a tool to control you and get you to work for her. Why can't she love you the way you are? Maybe she never was a loving person. I am sure you are just fine. Please don't let her destroy your belief in yourself. You need to spend more time with people who like you. I feel you should limit the amount of time you spend around her because you don't need so much negative feedback. It is very harmful to you. She is no perfect person her self. Anyone who treats another person the way she treats you likes the power it gives them. It seems this has been something she has always done and it is not due to being old and in pain. You can never please her. She won't allow it. I bet no one else can stand her either.

I feel for you and understand how your feelings for your Mom are. Mine did a lot of criticizing me growing up, and in adulthood, so much so that when I married, I lived far away with a military spouse, and vowed if anything happened to my spouse in war I would not return to my hometown or to my mother. But, in your Mom's defense, at 88 yrs old, I can understand her not doing much, just watching TV. I'm 81, Covid has made me homebound; and now I am homebound with shoulder replacement, and what else is there for me to do, with or without the surgery? Watch TV. Before Covid I had lunches with friends, but those friends are protecting themselves. I could have been clearing out "stuff" so my son doesn't have to do it all when I pass, but some days I just didn't feel like doing it. I would read so I could get sleepy enough to take a nap. Then too lethargic to do anything. This is senior boredom. Oh, yeah, my family seems to think I could do more, too. But for me, living alone for now 3 yrs after 10 years of caring for my demented spouse and 58 years of marriage, I was looking for places to go and things to do. Other seniors don't have that urge, or they have other friends. I used to attend organizational luncheons, and that was good, but with Covid, can't even do that. I don't like watching TV but not much else to do. Sign your Mom up for local activities at the senior center, where they play games, sew, talk, watch movies. I should talk, as I haven't done that myself. Don't like games, dominoes, quilting, or taking my sewing to the senior center. But, help your Mom get something else to do besides watching TV if you think it would help her. At 88 there's not much else to do, esp. if one can't drive, or like now, Covid closed all activities. You yourself should attend care giving group meetings, as I did, and it helped. I got me out of the house. Meetings may have stopped, so that may not be your option now. I understand your side, but look at her side, too, as what else is there for her to do. Sorry if I don't sound like I have empathy, but I do. I understand, but let her watch TV if that's all she has when you aren't there, or even if you are, and all there are are put-downs, criticizing you. You don't have to take it, but see her side, too.

Please understand this , it is not you. You appear to be are a loving, kind person. Your mom chooses to be unkind and mean-spirited to you... and appears to have been this way with you for a very long time. If she was cared for by another sibling, it would not change her attitude towards you. Please get more help: family, friends, members of your church, or paid help so you can ease your burden. If your mother tends to make you the sole focus of her unhappiness, please remember that you are keeping her safe and healthy.... happiness or unhappiness is her responsibility and her choice.

Set Nest Cameras up in the home and you'll be able to play it back hear and see exactly what she said and to whom.

Medication can also change how you act and what you say.

Living in pain can change your actions to others yoo.

Tell the other Relatives to take turns caring for her, that you need a break.

Tslk with your mom and let her know that she needs to stop or you won't be able to continue being around her.

Maybe if she is willing take her around the block or somewhere to get fresh air. Assisted living places have what is called respite care. It is to give you a break and possibly find the right approach to decisions. I was in the same place as you, she is 88 yrs old also. Make sure you pick a place that can provide what she needs. Rely on God.

You have helped her a great deal over the years and probably put your life on hold indefinitely to take care of her. I completely understand this as my mother recently passed away and I to was on the receiving end of her constant critical nature, put downs, manipulation, talking behind my back, and it got to the point where I was literally exhausted. My mother was in assisted-living and I chose to hand over the power of attorney and health care directive to my brother two months before she passed away. This was the smartest thing I ever did for myself. You have one life and one life only. Life is not a dress rehearsal. Look out for yourself and ask yourself what you need to thrive. I wish you the best.

You are blessed with a mother who is very old, mentally in tact, and living in her own home without outside assistance from anyone other than family. You are far better off than most families with an elderly parent. So first, count your blessings. Pursuing placement before it is necessary is not only expensive; it is a direct violation of your mother’s wishes. You can’t force a legally competent adult to go into a facility if they don’t want to.

Instead of spewing vitriol, which is what one poster recommended, why not just subtly start giving her a taste of her own medicine. When she mentions some way you have disappointed her, you follow up with a way she has disappointed you. Be ready with your list ahead of time and wait for the opportunity to present itself. Don’t get mad and go postal; get even. It won’t take too long for her to start watching what she says. Another technique that works is to withdraw in ways that do not compromise her care. If you shop for her, don’t buy that treat she loves and don’t treat her any better than she treats you. Buy her TV dinners instead of cooking meals for her. Stop cleaning out the refrigerator, etc. Rewards and sanctions cut both ways. If you can do this without any dramatics on your side, she will get the message. That being said, you must consider having a family conference with your siblings, tell them what she is doing and give examples, and TELL them that you are withdrawing from x,y,z duties on a specific date. But you must decide ahead of time how you are going to withdraw and tell your mother That you are not going to do certain tasks any longer. If she asks her how they are going to get done, tell your mother to ask for help from the other siblings. Feeling rejected is a two way street that may lead to a frank discussion with your mother and your siblings that can change the dynamics, even at this late date.

Not being married and perhaps making serious mistakes in life is no excuse for exploiting and scapegoating a sibling to this extent. You are being everybody’s patsy because you choose to be. Start treating all of them differently and they will treat you differently. You can do this without burning bridges if you remain logical, rational and most of all, calm.

My mother was the same. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Even if your mother does not have it, it might help you to read the book “I hate you, don’t leave me.”

I’m guessing you’re a daughter, and nothing is expected of sons?! Whatever the case, one person should not & cannot do it all. Let her know she treats you with respect or she will be without your help. And that you’re not an only child!

Twice I typed an answer and twice it disappeared so here I go again. Your mother is going down and is destroying you mentally and physically. My question is if the relationship was poor all of your lives, WHY ARE YOU PUTTING UP WITH THIS? Aren't you worth more in terms of respect and kindness. You are doing so much. All the siblings should share in her care if you are keeping her home. And as to why she wants you around? You are her "punching bag" and she can "control" you by acting as she does to have you do her things for her. DON'T BE A FOOL. The very next time she acts out, I would literally explode (yes, explode because she won't understand calm, peaceful talks) and tell her that she either stops behaving negatively at once and starts cooperating fully or you will wash your hands and walk away. Tell her you will place her somewhere or she finds her own solutions but you will no longer be her punching bag. Do that as often as it takes - it may not stop her but YOU will feel relief by getting the hurt and the rage out of you - you are innocent. You did not make her this way - she is what she is and you cannot allow it. Start making plans to do that because I see no other real option. There is help available in terms of money but you have to seek it out. Never ever let someone else harm you mentally or physically, especially if you are helping them. She has to stop and get out of your life so you can have peace.

I echo what Beatty is saying. How much help are you and other family members give her so she can be "independent".
If you all went on vacation for a week would she do well on her own?
If the answer to that is "oh, we COULDN'T do that" not "oh, we WOULDN'T do that then it is time that you think about finding a place where she can be safe and cared for. That means either a siblings house that can be adapted to be safe to be safe for her where she can be cared for without major problems. Or a facility that can care for her safely.
Now I get to answer the question you posed.
How do you know if you are the right sibling to care for a parent....
You mention in your post that she keeps reminding you that you have not lived up to her expectations. Is this something you want to hear daily, or multiple times a day? Just at that point I would step back and say I could not do this every day. Helping a sibling care for her, yes, but to hear that daily would eventually begin to break you.
And "walking on eggshells" 24/7/365 is pretty rough on the feet.

What is the current living arrangement for you and your mother?

"helping our family to support her to live independently in her own home"

So how far can your Mother's canoe float along on it's own?

The NZ Maori have a wonderful description of a canoe with four corners: physical health, mental health, family health & spiritual or community health. (Disclaimer: This is my own interpretation as I am not trained in this culture or this concept so I apologize if getting the ideas wrong).

If the canoe starts to sink at one corner, the others must take on more. A canoe can do ok with 3 but when only 1 or 2 it may sink. The canoe it is tied to could also sink.

Please don't let yourself your own canoe be sunk because it is tied to your Mother's.

Families, especially siblings, often don't understand that everyone doesn't have the same experience growing up in the family unit as they had. You're not the right sibling to be caregiver to your mother. It's not because you don't love her or she doesn't love you. It's because she treated you differently than your siblings. You are not a source of stress or sadness to her. More likely you are the easiest target for her to take her frustrations out on. I'm guessing that this has probably always been so. That is why she puts you down all the time and feels the need to point out all your flaws and short-comings. I know how it is because I have a similar situation to you. I am my mother's caregiver and I'm the one who she always cut down from the time I was a little kid. If you have the option of hiring caregivers instead of you doing the work yourself, for the sake of your own health and well-being I say take it.

Maybe your mom would be better in assisted living or at home with hired caregivers to replace you? There is no rule that says children must provide hands on care for their elderly parents. Do you honestly think your mother will treat your siblings better than you? Because you said she has treated some of them the same way since childhood. Outsourcing her care doesn’t mean you don’t care about her and that you don’t support her. You’re not a human punching bag and her health issues do not give her a free pass to treat you badly. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and for your parent is step aside & let an outside caregiver take over. Think of it like this—do you want your last years with your mother to be this way? Why not step back and salvage what’s left.

Dear "imtrying,"

I'm sorry that the whole situation is extremely difficult for not only you but some of your other siblings. Your screenname says it all - you are trying but, it's never enough...and it never will be. The first thing to realize is your mom is NOT going to change nor does she WANT to change so I would push that idea off the table and deal with the specifics at hand. Secondly, it's very common for elderly people not to wear their hearing aids for many reasons. For my FIL, they were always uncomfortable to wear. For my friend's husband, he was always getting feedback/background noise when trying to listen to someone which is quite annoying. Currently, an Uncle is trying to find a different type of hearing aid because he simply doesn't think his are working good enough.

You said it's been this way between you and her off and on throughout your life as well as some of the your other siblings yet, you don't understand why she wants you around. That's easy - she knows you will be her emotional punching bag with little resistance. I'm wondering if the fact that she keeps reminding you when you haven't lived up to expectations if in essence she hasn't lived up to her own and instead of focusing on her own shortcomings, she's chosen to redirect those negative feelings onto you. Expectations are dangerous for any of us, in any situation and with any person. Why? Because we will all fail - the majority of issues we end up having with anybody, is because someone has not met our expectations. Being that everyone is different it may not be intentional but, the offended person will take it as if it were. We forget that others do not always think just like us. Albeit, sometimes there are some people who will intentionally choose not to meet another person's expectations and then it's up to us either to hold onto it or let it go.

If collectively you and your siblings decide that it's better to move her into a care facility, then that would be the best option. If that's not on the table at this point and you seem to really want to help out in some way, you could help out more in an indirect way. For example, if one of the siblings who does live nearby wants to take care of her, help the sibling instead. Mom needs groceries, you do the shopping and take them to your siblings home. Do you like to cook? Prepare some meals for the sibling to take to her. Think of any type of "task" that you could do to help the sibling out and leave the hands-on type of caregiving to them. Or you could help the sibling themselves i.e. clean their house so it frees up time for them to work with your mom. You already said you'd be willing to just visit with her when family is present or help out when they aren't available which is a good compromise on your part.

Another thing you could try with your mom is the next time she were to say how you don't do x,y,z right, you could answer in a way she won't be expecting and say something like "you know mom, I didn't do that quite like 'I' would have liked to either - I'll have to work on that" and just see how she responds. It may be just another low point and it will all get better again with time - but, I wouldn't count on it!

I hope between you and your siblings, you will be able to come up with a plan that will work for all of you - no, it won't be a perfect plan but, it may be a "doable" plan.

I wish you all the best and hope you will update us on how things are going -

Do your three siblings also live near by? I read in your profile that you are expected to be the caregiver because you are not married and the others are "busy"?

I also should not have been my mother's caregiver, but in my case I was the only local child (3 brothers out of state, and she liked them much better). She wasn't going to move to be near any of them (and none of my brothers wanted to do what I did).

My solution was to treat it all as a job, and I ended up being compensated for the time I spent with her. I did not live with her, nor her with me, but it was emotionally difficult for me. When I knew I was being paid $20/hour, my attitude improved immensely. (She did not know this, and would have vehemently disagreed as she told me one time, "You don't pay family!") One of the two POA brothers paid me, and it was a "gift" for all that I'd done and was doing.

I had a critical mother all my life, but thankfully I never had to be her caregiver as her and I ended up living many states apart. I wouldn't of been able to do it even if I had lived closer. My mental health is too important.

It sounds like she has issues with several other family members as well, so it might be time to be looking for a nice facility where mom can be around other folks her age and where she can find other people to abuse. Only you can decide when enough is enough. You must remember that NO WHERE is it written that children must take care of their parents. But if you and your family decide you still want to care for her in some way, remember that that care can look like placing her in a facility where she will receive 24/7 care from others and you can go visit if and when you want to, and you have the option of leaving if she gets to be too much with her complaining. Best wishes.

This isn’t a low point. Unfortunately, it is a reality of many caregivers lives!

I think if you read your posts again and allow yourself to absorb it and be honest you will see that you are not content in this situation.

What do you think is preventing you in making a change for yourself? It certainly sounds like you are frustrated and would like your caregiver responsibilities to end.

Start considering other alternatives. I was once in your shoes. I am much happier since I allowed myself not to be a caregiver to my mom.

Of course you want your mom to be cared for. Every human being needs care. That doesn’t mean that the responsibility should land in your lap.

What about assisted living or a nursing home? Do you have any hands on help now?

Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area? They will determine your mother’s needs and if she is approved for the program you can receive help with light housekeeping, meals, bathing, sitting, etc.

I understand how you feel. I love my mom too. She was extremely critical as well. It hurts.

Wishing you all the best.