Hi,
New to posting here, but have read lots of posts over the last 2 years. Short backstory... my dad passed away 3 years ago quite suddenly from a massive stroke. It shook my family as we were not expecting it. My mom wanted to move closer to me and my family so she sold her house in FL and moved back to NJ. All was going fairly well. She found a house close to us (3 blocks) and settled in. Last July she had a gallbladder attack leading to surgery and from then on we have been in and out of the hospital with different problems. Four times now. I feel like I have saved my mom's life by getting her to the hospital. First Gallbladder, then a PE, perforated bowel which let to a colostomy, and now sepsis from an abscess in the abdominal cavity. She is currently in the hospital (has been for 2 weeks) battling the sepsis and surgery for the infection. I have been running back and forth between the hospital and home while taking care of my family (my kids are 10 and 8) and being an advocate for my mom.
At this point she is a shell of my mom. I am trying my best to be the best daughter to her and the best wife/mother at home but I am exhausted physically and mentally/emotionally. How do you get over the guilt of feeling that you are letting someone down? I need to be with my mom because well she is declining but I feel guilty for not spending this time with my kids and when I do I am distracted with thoughts and worries about my mom. I know my mom would (and has on better days) told me not to worry about her she doesn't want to be a "burden" but I am stressed all the same. I am trying to take some time for myself, a walk every day or reading a book, but still the stress is heavy. Honestly I know there isn't much of a question here. My husband has been a rock and my friends are sweet and supportive but I just needed to release it to people who know what I am talking about.
You have been stuck in this hurricane since losing your dad. In the beginning your mom may not have had the health challenges, but you were certainly working triage through her grieving. Others might not feel the pain you have suffered and endured through the life adaptations (of helping your mom).
People that don’t understand your sacrifices do not share this kind of love for their parents and so they will never understand. They are living in a different parallel (but not bad) world. You may be criticized because they just don’t have the context and never will
Expect to feel weary and discouraged. Treat yourself with grace and kindness. You have been running on such a fast hamster wheel that you have not had time to fully grieve the profound loss of your father. Help yourself heal.
Allow yourself grace-and a break or just a few hours off when you can. Hire help or share responsibilities with friends. Do whatever brings you joy: go to the gym, take a spa day, participate in a hobby, laugh at a funny movie— take time out on a friend’s weekend —spoil yourself if possible. Do not feel guilty for taking a break or feeling happy.
Take breaks also to listen to your kids and help solve their problems. Laugh with them. Go to an amusement park, the pool, or wherever they feel happiest. Lose yourself (and your problems) in their childhood when you can. Their childhood is fleeting and you need to reinforce these relationships before they become teenagers.
You are doing your best. That is noble. After three years, anyone would feel exhaustion.
You are a hero to your parents and children. Recognize that and you will be a hero for yourself.
Regarding " guilt"
" guilt" refers to intentional wrong doing
whereas " regret" refers to wishing things were different or could have been different...
Ask yourself if you are not actually feeling more" regret" .... Not " guilt" ask you if you have " done something wrong". Probably not....
" Guilt" carries with it words like " punishment ", "repentance" ....
Do you really think you are " guilty" or simply " regretting" that things are the way they are?
To say its a difficult situation to be in is an understatement.
We are tasked with our caring heart, pulled in several directions, and then there is the EXHAUSTION. (And you have a family with young kids that need you.)
I was in a similar situation for two years (me, being in my 70s).
This is what I would recommend you do:
1) Feel thoroughly and deeply whatever you feel. Do not stuff feelings in.
It hurts and it doesn't feel good. Still. It seems to be the 'way' to be able to make appropriate decisions ... when there doesn't seem to be any 'appropriate' decision.
2) Your young kids need you - a caring mom there for them. I do believe that your mom WOULD WANT YOU TO DO THIS. Be there for them. Thinking this way may relieve the guilt that creeps in (or it there all the time like the itch from a mosquito bite).
I had MANY MANY moments of such exhaustion that I didn't want to go to the nursing home to visit my beloved friend-companion of 20+ years. I was his 'everything' legally and otherwise. Yes, I felt guilty "I don't want to go" I'd tell myself. And, then most days I would pick up and go and tell him how much I cared ... being with him. And, yes, he'd say to me: "I'm burning you out."
I'd also say ... when you are with your kids (now, being pulled in two directions) consider:
1) doing mindful, relaxing activities with your kids - for you to relax and renew. Perhaps take them swimming or to a yoga class. Something you, too, could benefit from.
2) make your moments - seconds with your kids COUNT. Be there 100 percent even if for a few minutes or a few hours. The quality of the connection means everything vs how long the connection.
Take care of yourself:
1) Get enough sleep. 2) Meditate (if you can). 3) Exercise (with your kids !) and 4) eat well ... make good meals ... with your kids (salads... perhaps oatmeal / healthier desserts).
Know you are not alone, even though that may not help you feel better. Although I find some truth to the words "misery loves company" although these aren't the right words ... the sense of feeling connected to others is the right human need - feeling connected.
Sending you love ... knowing your mom wants the best for you and her grandkids.
Gena / Touch Matters
Your mother is much sicker than mine and I think Alva deer did a good job in her explanation of how serious it can be, as well as having excellent advice. It sounds like you have found a great facility for your mother but not even the best can stop the downward slope of aging. It is easy to say it is not your fault and quite the opposite, you are doing an amazing job, but our hearts don’t always listen to reason. Even when we accept that we can’t do any more than we are doing the guilt creeps in.
All I can say is that you are not alone. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself as well as your family. I am also sending you a big hug!
Be assured that you are doing everything possible and, have every right to express your human feelings of exhaustion and grief ( which includes anger, uncertainty, regrets, questions etc etc).
Peace be with you.
Why do we as caregivers - the ones who are stretching ourselves to take on the care for another person - feel guilty? Why do we heap such unrealistic expectations on ourselves? We are frail and imperfect humans who are doing our best.
My children were 11 and 13 when I had to begin caring for my mother - they are now 28 and 30 and I'm still at it.
Over the years I have sacrificed so many things in order to care for my mother and yet I feel guilty and am terrified of regret when this season is over.
It shouldn't be that way.
He is being cared for. I’m so glad that you are seeing a therapist. You need to take care of yourself too.
Sending hugs your way.
OP, this is Verystressedout writing you. Listen to my sister. She’s very wise.
Good luck and if it helps at all, I think you are doing a great job. You love her and clearly she knows that. That is the key.
I forgot to mention that after the bowel resection surgery we found a lovely assisted living that is great for mom...relieved so much of the pressure and dread of finding her on the floor or putting her to bed plus she had people and activities to do. She was thriving! Then this damn infection hit. Yesterday she had surgery and I was terrified we might lose her, but she is a tough old broad (her words) and pulled through. I'm cautiously optimistic that she can get out of the hospital...go to rehab, and hopefully back to assisted living. But we live day to day here so who knows?! We will just have to roll with it.
Be good to yourself. You are taking care of a loved one but you also need to take care of yourself. Try to get a carer that can come in during the week to give you time off - we started with that. Maybe the local health department can help with finding a person and paying for the care (we got help from the local health dept nurse).
Anyway, many of us know your problems and we can assure you that you should not feel guilty. Quite the opposite, you are doing a great job.
My Husband is also a rock. He said once if I was cloned I could go to work, a clone could look after the children, another clone go assist my folks.. there may have been one for him too.. Actually I thought the real me could go take a walk somewhere nice & relax.
I imagine you need to be about 5 people at the moment too. You have a lot on - but no-one can be everywhere all at once.
What worked for me was finding trustable childminders to collect the kids sometimes, part-time work hours, phoning the nurses station if I couldn’t visit in person to get a quick update or pass on a message.
I also used blocks of time. I still do. To avoid overfilling my day, stressing out rushing everywhere, winding up & up. Time to unwind can be blocked in the calender too.
Sending thoughts of calm & strength to you.
This is not true.
One can absolutely be guilty through omission, not just through action. Even the law says so. Example: One isn’t the cause of an elderly person’s Parkinson’s. But sometimes, if one fails to help the elderly person in an emergency (even if one is not the cause), one can still absolutely be held criminally guilty by omission (failure to act).
In order words:
You don’t need to be the cause of something, to feel guilty. Omissions indeed can be just as detrimental to a person in need, as actions. You can absolutely feel guilty for not doing enough, and sometimes the law agrees: you did not do enough.
Regarding specifically OP:
You’re trying your best. I hope things will get better for you. You have a lot on your plate. Make sure to do good things for you. Don’t neglect you, while helping everyone else. You’re valuable and you deserve a full life.
1.
This is wrong legal advice:
You can sometimes be criminally guilty for not helping, even if you never caused the situation.
2.
This is wrong moral advice:
Sometimes a person SHOULD feel guilty for not having done something (failure to act) (omission).
We have a conscience for a reason. It guides us. Some people feel too guilty when they shouldn’t feel guilty. Some people feel TOO LITTLE guilty, when they should feel guilty. And some people get it just right: they feel guilty when they should, and they feel innocent when they should.
Does your mom have her paperwork in order? Will, living will, POAs, etc.? If she beats sepsis, she will probably have some recovery time. I would talk to the hospital ASAP about what you expect if mom starts improving. I strongly suggest rehab. Don't just let them send her home. She lives alone and you have two minor children that need you.
Make sure you take care of yourself too.
Best of luck.
You are trying your best .
No guilt is warranted .
You did not cause your mother’s problems . Even your mother has said she does not want to be a burden .
Your mother sounds like a caring person , like you. She would want you to take care of yourself and your children and family.
You already have other great advice on this thread of how to set up care that your mother will need . You will not be able to care for Mom on your own . It is heartbreaking. You are experiencing grief . But please don’t feel guilty . Easier said than done , I know .
I regret putting my family on the back burner too often while caring for my mother. Your children will grow and leave the nest before you know it .
If she gets better and is discharged, the best thing for your children is for her to be placed in a NH so that you can be a functioning parent to them. Her needs will be too great for you to manage on your own. Work with the hospital SW to make that happen.
You are falling apart, maybe an antidepressant would help you get through this.
I’ve learned not to feel guilty when making eldercare decisions. You do what you think is best and do not second guess or eat yourself up about it. Learn to handle your response to the situation, try not to get too emotional.
I wish you peace.
Mom is still in the hospital and it seems every day is something new. Some days she seems to be on the right road and then the next we are back 2 steps. Now she is not eating well (barely at all) and they are having a hard time finding good IV placements as her veins are not great to begin with. Her counts go up and down and right when they think they have the infection managed it rages back. I try every day to prepare myself and stay strong but this is a roller coaster ride I don't really want to be on any longer.
Just do the best that you can. Please don’t feel guilty about wanting to be with your children and husband. None of this is your fault. You didn’t cause your mom’s health issues and your children need their mother.
Find a way to fill in the gaps, whether that means hiring someone to help with your mom when she is out of the hospital or placing her in a facility.
It can be excruciating to watch our parents decline. Of course, you will be sad seeing them suffer.
Wishing you and your family all the best and welcome to the forum.
I think you have every right to feel sad, frustrated, distracted and torn in two.
But Guilt? Nope.
You didn't cause mom's medical issues. Not within your power to cure them.
In terms of priorities, those little people of yours need to come first. Make sure you aren't neglecting their emotional needs. I had a series of very ill grandparents during my childhood. I was ignored because I was a "good kid". Many years of therapy later, I'm still dealing with the angst and sadness of having parents who weren't there mentally or emotionally because they were so busy tending sick elders.
Can mom budget for a Geriatric care manager? It sounds like she could benefit from have someone with some medical expertise managing her care.
You might consider talking to the discharge planning department. It doesn't sound like it's safe for mom to be home alone now. Find out if rehab is being recommended and start looking at facilities.
Your Mom is very ill indeed and sepsis, when it is resistant to our current best antibiotics, can be a killer. That there are problems in the abdominal cavity makes it all the worse. I know that you know by the very length of hospitalization that this is serious business, and if you mom does survive she will likely require placement, certain a stint in SNF for skilled nursing or rehab, possibly longer, possibly permanently.
As to guilt, it is entirely inappropriate. Guilt infers that you are responsible for CAUSING this. You aren't. And you can't fix it. You can't.
It is a kind of hubris to think ourselves so god -like that we can cause or cure the dreadful things happening to our parents. We aren't god. We aren't faries with magic wands. We aren't Saints. We are human beings with limitations despite all our love.
I would change out your g-words because the words that we repeat in our own head have great power over us, become circular and habitual. The correct g-word now if grief. Both for yourself and for your mother. That is the only appropriate word, but you can add it to anxiety, uncertainty, fear of the unknown, because all of those are on your plate.
Try to slow down and try to take this a day at a time and now, while your Mom is in care getting taken care of, try to take some time for yourself and your family. They truly are your prime imperative. You will still have lots of love left for your poor mom.
Now, while this crisis is still so very critical is a time to stay mindful of today. Keep in contact with the doctors. Hope that there can be healing.
I am so very sorry. This is very tough.
It is a kind of hubris to think ourselves so god -like that we can cause or cure the dreadful things happening to our parents. We aren't god. We aren't faries with magic wands. We aren't Saints. We are human beings with limitations despite all our love."
This is so true. I feel like some family members feel as though certain family members can wave a magic wand and make everything better. We can only do so much. This was the best. Thank you.