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I was dad's caregiver, a veteran - part-time for about 7 years until he passed.
It was hard but he was a smart guy and we had great discussions. However, he was older than most other of my friends parents and so most of my friends had at least 1 parent still living. My friends don't seem to be able to relate to what I went through. I tried various activities before and during grief to cope but so far nothing much has worked. The void is made all the much harder because of this. I've tried to reach out and make new friends or reconnect with old ones and nothing now is the same. The social isolation that began during caregiving has now dragged on and I'm saying to myself, "Is this all there is?" How can I reduce or eliminate this isolation?

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FreeZone, first, I applaud your efforts to reach out as well as understanding that gaps can develop in friendship when lives take different directions. But I also want to compliment, and thank you, for continuing to read this now several month old thread.

I don't recall more than a few posters who have returned after several months and interacted with posters, including the newer ones!

Most of what I would have suggested has already been addressed by others, but I would add that I think the nurturing that arises during caregiving stays with many of us and we find ourselves thinking along the terms of how to help others, which takes our minds off our distress, and can help reinforce frustrations and self-evaluation that can also leave us feeling wanting, and as if we didn't do all we could (even though we did.)

Our local news channel has shown how a large number of people are getting together to help the Ukrainians, by boxing and helping contribute to package distribution. If I recall correctly, one of the local Lowes stores is managing this effort. There may be others engaged in similar activities.

Volunteering I think brings rewards that help offset the sadness of having lost someone. So does undertaking a new project. I was going through some old quilting supply catalogues the other day, typically cutting out and saving in a quilting file those designs that appealed to me.

Then the thought "why bother" occurred, reminding me that I'm already pushing 80 (but not very fast) and may never get around to making or selling those quilts. Then I thought: "why not?" I'm going to be living as long as I am breathing, so why not start a new project?

So I've been thinking over the last few days how to mange that, realistically, including where to start displaying quilts (such as judged events), teaching again (something I really enjoyed), and other avenues.

I've also been thinking about a project I've wanted to start for sometime: A Victory Garden, with produce to donate to Veteran organizations. I have to be realistic and consider what would be the most usable, what I can manage, what's easiest, where to start networking with VFW or American Legion organizations. Now I'm really excited about this.

Ask yourself, "what would I want to do, new or old, that I would really enjoy". Then, go for it! And best wishes and good luck as you enter a new chapter in your life!
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After my mom died, I joined a book club at the library and one at the community center. I joined a Sunday School class at my church. I already belonged to an alumni group at my university, but had never attended meetings. So I started attending. It wasn't easy but I reconnected with a couple of old friends and made some new friends. I went one time to a grief support group but it was too depressing to me. I thought it was because I didn't miss my mom. After my husbnd died I went again, but it was too depressing.
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FreeZone77: Imho, possibly you could locate a grief support group near you, which in turn could lead into friendships through a common bond or otherwise.
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All the suggestions to 'get back out there' are good, even tho the fact remains no one who has not gone through eldercare cannot even imagine what it's like. And many people will shrink away or drift away because they may feel you no longer have much in common or even dread the time it Will be Them challenged by these end of life scenarios. I think there's also a similarity to when one goes through huge challenges of other kinds: severe illness, divorce, etc. Our friends see us at our worst in some ways, and some folks just can't handle it, or feel at a loss as to how to relate, etc. And then when we do emerge from the crisis, whatever it is, these folks from 'the before time' have a hard time not seeing us in that hard-times framework; It's as if they can't see we are still who were to them; it's unfortunate, and not fair, but often signals it's time to find new people. Finding new friends as we are older is not often easy; it's not like when we were kids, or in school/college, young working years, etc. because meeting people and making friends almost seemed 'automatic.' And when we are immersed in a challenging situation we also can get 'tunnel vision' and some of our social skills get rusty. The Grief IS compounded by feeling bereft of friendships; it's scary but try to see it as a New Chapter. Reinvent yourself; honor the past while allowing yourself to imagine what New Chapter gets to be, with you in the lead role for a change. All the Best.
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FreeZone77 Mar 2022
Thank you for this. Yes a new chapter! K
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The pandemic has also taken a toll on social gatherings. You can chalk some of what you are experiencing to covid, and I hear the same discussion from much younger people. Keep trying to get connected with groups and activities that interest you. Volunteering can also be a way to meet people and do things that give meaning to your life. Take a course at a local college...whatever you like to do. Don't despair. All the best to you! You are to be commended for caring for your father.
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FreeZone77 Mar 2022
Thank you! K
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I understand this all too well. Forget those who were friends in the past - they don't understand and the friendship will never be the same if it gets started again. Join every single club and orqanization and "feel" the waters for possible new friendships which may or may not happen. Give it some time and if it does not work, try some place else. In the meantime, find a hobby that YOU love to do and immerse yourself in it. Go out to eat by yourself (I am 88 and do this all the time). Eventually something will turn up but don't count on past friends. Good luck.
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FreeZone77 Mar 2022
I love it when you go out to eat by yourself and hostesses usually ask “How many in your party?? JUST one??” As if being by yourself is bad! Ay ay. I’ve found some areas of the country stare at me oddly at restaurants and others do not seem to care. Interesting. Yes I do this too sometimes. Thank you for your reply.
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Attend meetings for people who have lost a loved one.
Go to Church and speak with a Pastor.
Don't give up on your friends, keep contacting them to at least have people to go out to lunch with.

It takes different times for different people who have lost a loved one.

Try donating some time to Volunteer work.

Prayers
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FreeZone77 Mar 2022
Yes it’s hard to know how long to wait on friendships to possibly revive and when to move on. I used to wait for months or years and now I’m less interested in doing that when it’s not mutual give and take at least to some degree. Most friendships seem to have ended. Some I have no desire to see again. Others I miss and may always miss regardless.
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I volunteer for a meal program at St. Anthony Foundation in S.F., CA once a month that I have enjoyed for over 35 years. I am also looking into their clothing program. It is challenging for me to make new friends with my ASD. Add in COVID restrictions, but there's still a place to go to. I also connect with my social club on Zoom. I'd sure like to see more activities reopen once this pandemic passes.
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There are some wonderful suggestions here. Getting involved in activities or exercise programs or Adult Education classes will introduce you to new people. If you need more time to work through your grief, look for a support group where you can tell your story and can listen to the stories of others.
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Not knowing you makes suggesting something hard but i will take a stab at it/ join a church, volunteer with an organization, food banks are great because you are still helping people, maybe a part time job, exercise class, take up a new hobby, and oddly, if you aren’t burned out, sitting with other elderly people will give you a sense of helping. True friends are hard to find so don’t get in a panic, a friend will come your way. Oh, and hear their stories if you want to tell yours, give them your ear.
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I am sorry but I am really struggling with the "logic" of what you are asking. You say you cared part-time, so were you not in contact with other people during the non caring time. You also say most of your friends had one parent still living but didn't relate to what you were going through - which sort of assumes none of them is caring for the parent(s) they have/had living. Please forgive my not understanding but is your problem dealing with the grief you now feel and people not understanding that, or did you cut yourself off from people who are now not responding or are actually starting the journey you have been through. Perhaps joining a bereavement support group would be a place to meet new people who have been through what you have, or (depending on where you live) getting involved with some charity work for an organisation you support. Taking the first step is hard but keep at it and things will get better. One step at a time you will get your life back xx
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sunnydayclouds Nov 2021
She lost her regular friends because she was unavailable during her caregiving time and they moved on without her. Now that she is trying to reconnect, they are living in different states of awareness. They can’t understand what she’s been through and what she’s still going through because they have never experienced something similar. It’s also difficult to make new friends because good friends take time to cultivate.
She’s reaching out to this group because she’s in despair and wonders if she will ever have those good feelings again of being part of a supportive circle of people who know her well and who she knows well. She’s probably also feeling the loss of family.
I know this whole story.
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Why do you expect friends to relate to what you went through? Why does it even have to be a topic of conversation?

I have three female friends I went to school with (we are all 55), whose mother's have or died of Alzheimer's disease. Neither of my parents have dementia. I cannot feel their feelings, or know how hard it is/was for them to watch their mothers slowly slip away. But we have 50 years of history, lots of great memories and are more than our care giving experience.

I have my own challenges with my parents. My friends will lend a ear, but I do not expect more than that from them.

When my marriage ended, unexpectedly for me, I went through Hell. My ex said terrible, untrue things about me, my social circle crumbled in front of my eyes. I was scared, lonely, and really sad. I had a mental breakdown from the stress and went on medical leave from work, so I did not even have the normalcy of going to work each day. I joined a quilting group in a city an hour from home. No one at the group new me, knew my marriage had just broken down, etc. I was just a new member of the guild.

I made new friends at the guild. None of them knew my ex, or the story of my marriage ending. I was not judged for what my ex did, I was just me.

I also reached out to those three women I mentioned at the beginning of this post. Sure I felt awkward. Although I knew them from my childhood we had drifted away, 2 had moved and one had shut herself off from others. One I walk with 2-3 times a month. We go for a 4-6 km walk and talk about everything and nothing.

Last month I had a dream about another woman I have known all my life, but again we drifted apart. I got in touch and we had the most delightful coffee date. I was scared of being rejected, of her not wanting to meet, but she was happy and so was I. We both have children who are now adults but very challenging with mental health issues. We were able to talk about how hard it is and know we will not be judged by the other.

Now Covid has made everything harder. Not just the restrictions, but also how it has polarized peoples' belief systems. It is hard to navigate relationships when some are anti vax, anti mask, and others are more careful in the precautions they are taking. Yet, they are still people we love and care about.

Freezone, take time to grieve, just a support group or seek therapy. But also spread your wings, think about what you want to do. Reach for the stars.
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Hopeforhelp22 Nov 2021
To Tothill - Wow - Really Wow - Regarding your truly Inspirational and Compassionate words.. and the Strength, Resilience and Courage that you've shown in your life, under such challenges. Thru my own current challenges, I'm going to apply your words of wisdom.
You are a true success. :-)
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Please consider joining a grief group like GriefShare. They understand your situation and can give your the best advice. They have been in your shoes. Please consider that everybody is experiencing a little social isolation and "weirdness" with the COVID pandemic.

In my case, I go to church and try to connect with people through Bible study groups. Find your passion or investigate various hobbies. Look online for meet-ups in your area or online.
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One of my friends joined a grief share group in her church, but there are many not church related if thats what you need, She has made many friends there, and they do alot of activities!
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You say your ‘friends don't seem to be able to relate to what I went through’. Are you trying too hard to talk to them about what you went through? If you can see that you don’t have this in common with them, could you try to pick up on the things you enjoyed with them before your life revolved so much around your father? As well as trying new activities, can you get back to the old ones yourself?
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I too after having to stop working the last 4 years of my husbands life to care for him full-time, lost a lot of my friends, and then of course Covid didn't help things either. I was fortunate however to have been involved in a local caregiver support group, which up until Covid did meet in person, and now still meet on Zoom twice a week, so I was able to connect with others who knew exactly what I was going through and several of us have become very close and now do things together.
I also started attending a new church after my husband died and have met so many wonderful people there as well. I am a people person(have worked in retail sales all my adult life)so meeting people is perhaps a little easier for me, but I would suggest getting involved in a local church, volunteer someplace that touches your heart,(perhaps even the VA, as I'm sure you could be helpful to a lot of people there)and if you're working, reach out to your co-workers to invite them for lunch. In time you will get your groove back, so don't let this temporary set back stop you from getting out there and enjoying your life again.
Here's to hoping you find your joy again. God bless you.
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I am sorry for your loss and for the loneliness you're feeling. It is harder to reconnect with old friends as they don't have the same life experience and just can't relate. Perhaps in the future when it's their turn to be caregivers, then they might want to reach out to you, so keep that door open for them.

You also mentioned you tried various activities. I don't want to suggest what you already tried, so can you tell me what you have tried?
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