How do you stop someone else’s illness driving you crazy?

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How do you stop someone else’s illness driving you crazy?

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My MIL (91) has Alzheimer’s. She moved in with us this year (my husband and I both retired December 31st - yes, we really messed up our retirement within three weeks of starting it). We did it for all the “right” reasons. On top of that, we have the moral high-ground over other family members who refused to take her - yeah, ask me how that’s working out for us! It’s not that I don’t love my MIL - there are times when she is a sweetheart, but there are times when I am seriously doubting my own sanity. She pee’d all over the house in the first two weeks she was here (yes, we use incontinence pads, she lowers them to pee on the floor then pulls them back up). Solution, we got a motion sensor. Great, no more “accidents” but now, I am up four (minimum) times a night with her wandering around and needing the toilet. I’m working on an average of 2-hrs sleep a night for the past eight weeks. That is an indicator of where I am emotionally, but it isn’t the problem. She treats me (actually is convinced) that this is a nursing home and I am staff. She orders me around with a very disrespectful and nasty tone. She is convinced my husband is hers (no matter how many times we try to convince her otherwise) and thinks I am the hired help trying to steal her man. It was mildly amusing to start with - we didn’t really think she believed that, but as time has gone by, it is becoming downright creepy. My husband doesn’t want to be left in the room with his mother because she gets very inappropriate.

Add to that the belligerent attitude, the constant (CONSTANT) complaining and the way she expects me to jump when she says so - it’s making me crazy. We humour her every whim - my husband won’t ever push back, I try but she tells me she’ll report me to my supervisor if I don’t do what she wants. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and there is no end in sight - this has to be the healthiest 91-yr old in history - apart, of course, from the disease slowly eating her brain. I feel like it’s eating mine too. And it is blowing our once happy home apart. My husband and I snip and gripe at each other all day long. I never thought we would be here so soon into caring for her. I don’t think anyone can tell me it will improve, but lie to me please - I need some hope.

Alzheimer's & Dementia

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Oh my gosh! This is so sad. Of course you are snapping at each other. You are sleep deprived! Can she use pull ups or some kind of diapers at night?

I ask because my mom, age 93 has this issue as well. She uses the pads during the day. She likes Poise #6 during the day and pull ups at night for sleep. She sleeps better, therefore we sleep better.

It’s great that you love your MIL. I loved mine too. She died years ago from lymphoma. But sometimes love is not enough. I am not sure I would be up for doing the job you are doing caring for your MIL. I am not telling you what to do. That’s your choice. You are wise to reach out for help.

Do you see yourself doing this for awhile in the future? People live so much longer these days. How does your husband feel? Have you looked at facilities in case you are unable to continue home care? I care for my mom at home with Parkinson’s disease but she doesn’t have ALZ. I think ALZ is harder. I am stressed with what I have to deal with and I am very tired, 14 years and counting!

What does her doctor say about home care vs a facility? Do you think she needs her meds changed? There are so many others on this site with experience with ALZ. They will point you in the right direction. Best of luck to you and your family and I sincerely hope you are able to receive help soon. Have you called your local council on aging for advice? Maybe start there.

Hugs!

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Thank you for your thoughtful response. Yes, I think meds could be adjusted - and have an appointment next week. We are also getting her reassessed by a neurologist- she hasn’t had much care prior to coming to us - her husband of 71years (now aged 95) was trying, but god bless him, no one realised what he was dealing with. Not surprisingly, he has really rallied since mom moved in with us. He misses her, and is lonely without his wife, but his health has improved tremendously- so that’s one good thing to come of the move. We moved mom from Iowa to Virginia so we are slowly building infrastructure (healthcare wise). I hope to tap into our counties elder care offerings, which might help too.

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I’m sorry. We can’t tell you it will improve because it won’t. It wouldn’t be fair or kind to tell you it will. And by the time she passes, irreparable damage may have been done to your marriage.

Somewhere in the past, you made the Noble Promise to her or to the family not to put her in a facility, correct? You viewed what was to come when she moved in with you through rose-colored glasses. Now you’re suffering the harsh realities of life controlled by dementia. I’m sure she would be absolutely mortified if she could have predicted the future and see herself as she is now.

You have a choice. You can gamble with your future and her’s and keep things status quo. Or, you can sit down with your husband and his family if he has any sibs and admit that this isn’t working out. Sure, you can import in-home health care. You can send her off for respite care once every few months so you and hubby can reconnect with each other. You can delegate some of the nighttime potty trips and other care responsibilities to him. You can take her to the doctor and have her meds adjusted. But, 90% of the time it will still be the three of you. You are doing the work of three shifts of trained caregivers around the clock

How long you can tolerate this situation is up to you and your husband. It’s ok to admit defeat and say “we can’t do this anymore. We gave it the old college try and it didn’t work.” She can’t help who she has become but that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own lives for her.

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You are so right. We went into this saying to each other “it’s gonna be hard, but we can do this together”. Well, we had no idea. We thought how hard can it be to care of one sweet old lady. We can feed her right, get her clean and infection free (she came to us with horrible fungul infections in several areas of her body), and love her - every day let her know by our actions that she still matters and people still love her. We never expected the push back we get from her on everything- it’s like living with a two-yr-old with advanced language skills in the worst mood of their life - every day. Her memory is literally down to a 30-second reset. She used to love animals and has known our dogs for years - we have caught her kicking one of the pups because he looked at her! Very sad because he is the sweetest boy. My husband wants to give it a while longer before we admit defeat - I can give him that, but it is so hard every day. I take my hat off to the many many people doing this on their own, or for years on end (often both). Ultimately, I am so very disappointed in myself, that after not even half a year I’m even contemplating giving up - I thought I was made of sterner stuff. No matter where this ends up for us, I will never brush aside someone who tells me they are caring for their loved ones at home - I truly didn’t realise what that does to lives until now.

(11)

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I don't think this has anything whatsoever to do with 'love' for your MIL, of course you both love her. This should have to do with what's best for HER; what's safest for her; where she can get the type of care she needs by a qualified staff who works in shifts to give her that care. You and your husband are incapable, and unqualified, to care for a 91 year old Alzheimer's patient who thinks her son is her husband and who is peeing on the floor & ordering you around like you were the hired help. Since she already believes she's residing in a nursing home, my suggestion to you is to find her a wonderful Assisted Living Facility that specializes in Memory care/Alzheimer's, and place her there right away, for her own safety (and for your sanity). At some point, she is likely to start wandering and then leave the house in the middle of the night. The ALF keeps the doors locked to prevent such a thing from happening. I used to care for a wonderful old gentleman who was burdened with AZ. His daughter thought it would be 'cruel' to place him in a facility, in spite of him insisting he lived across the street. He'd wander out every night, until one day, he fell and died of a subdural hematoma. It's not a 'cruel' thing to place an AZ patient; it's the right thing to do. If your MIL does not have the funds for a private pay facility, look into applying for Medicaid and having her placed that way, and you can visit often. In any event, please DO NOT ruin YOUR retirement and/or your marriage in a misguided attempt to 'do the right thing' by caring for someone you're unqualified to care for. Things only get worse for these old gals........they do not get better. Trust me, I know. My mother is 92 and going downhill VERY quickly, having fallen 3x in the past 2 weeks. The kindest thing I've EVER done for her was placing her in a local ALF about 4 miles away where she has wonderful care from a staff of lovely people.

All the best of luck, my friend.

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Thank you. Timely reality check. We aren’t qualified - we are floundering around trying to meet the needs of someone when we really don’t have a full understanding of what those needs are. I don’t know if we can get there with her in her present state, and also, through reading A LOT recently, know we have harder days ahead if we persist. Which I guess is the scariest thing. And ultimately, I am no good to anyone when I’m this tired. I can’t keep things in perspective, everything seems insurmountable right now. And perhaps, for us, it is.

(13)

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Agree with the other comments about it's not about love being enough. If love were enough? Ahh...would be so easy if it was just that. But as another perspective, because love is not enough, sometimes you have to make difficult decisions to do what is best. For her and for yourselves. I don't know what that decision would be for you, but it sounds like this isn't working out so well. There are other ways that can benefit all of you.

And I'll just say it. It kinda sounds like you guys are a bit (or a lot) in over your heads, as they say. And, that's ok. There's such a learning curve to all of this. One thing I've learned? I want to make sure my mom is taken care of, emotionally, physically, financially, etc. And I'll never give up on doing that. But when I became unable to provide that care myself, and when changes were made? Turns out, it all worked out ok. I knew for the longest I was in over my head, but until it actually changed, and I look back, it wasn't until then I realized the insanity of what I was trying to do.

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Kicking the dog IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. You must keep her away from the dogs. That is animal abuse. Period.

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I didn’t see anything in article about her kicking the dog.

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Oh dear. Why would you want the moral high ground? What exactly is that anyway? Great answers given. It’s not giving up. It’s facing the truth. Alzheimer suffers go like a freight train and will roll right over the top of you. This is bad and no, you are not quitters You and your husband really need to get this sorted ASAP. You will go crazy - quickly. She is not physically healthy. She is peeing everywhere and while I am thinking about it, how many hours sleep a day is your husband getting? You say it is tearing your marriage apart. Your husband needs to place you before his mother and keep his marriage together. It’s his mother so stand firm and get him to deal with it and 100% believe me. IT DOESNT GET ANY BETTER.

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What were those "right" reasons that you and your husband made this decision for?

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She wasn’t being cared for properly (at all really). It’s his mom and she needed help. It was killing his dad trying to cope with her. We believed we could give her a comfortable, safe environment (their home was not in a good place and dad refused help such as cleaner or meals on wheels). We have kept her safe, she is in a better condition physically than when we brought her here, but we were very unprepared for her actual condition. We didn’t know what we didn’t know. She has had Alzheimer’s for a decade or more now and the illness is fairly advanced.

(4)

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I’m so sorry for you and husband. My advice for you would be place her in nursing home ASAP. Don’t pass go, don’t collect 200.00 dollars. Save yourself. I say this because I had to move my mother in with my husband of 1 year. We have had no time together just the 2 of us. It stinks. I thank God we get along great, rarely do we argue, when we do it is over almost as fast as it started. I do feel that my mom has gone nuts and took me with her. Some days I just can’t deal with her. So I have to just gray rock her. We moved to her house three years ago because we had two stories and step were hard d for her. Mistake we should have placed her in nursing home then. Please do yourself and your husband a favor , think of yourselves. You won’t get any thanks or help from other family members. Sorry I couldn’t be more help. This comes after four years taking care of mom who is now 89. She will out live me and husband.

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I realize this may sound cold but stubborn ppl especially refuse things when given choices. I know I wouldn't refuse meals on wheels if it was the only meal available

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"Ultimately, I am so very disappointed in myself, that after not even half a year I’m even contemplating giving up - I thought I was made of sterner stuff. "

Hugs.

Not knowing everything about advanced Alzheimer's Disease and not having had the training and experience needed to care for somebody who has it is not a moral failing.

You took your MIL in to ensure that she had the care she needed. You have made a good start and her condition has recovered well. From here, she needs more than you and your husband can provide, no matter how hard you try. Remind yourselves sternly that the sole aim is to give her the care she needs; and surrender any unreasonable and counterproductive expectations you may still have of yourselves.

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Amen!

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OK. You are a100% capable, caring and moral person. You both are Enough with the feeling disappointed and
sterner stuff - stuff. If you feel you need to beat yourselves up about it. Stop. If you are worried about what other will say. Who cares

you two had your minds set and ready to go with a different future. Retirement. Yeh!!!

keep on track with that and place MIL in permanent care. That way you will have your life and be better at looking after her AND the FIL. Bless his cotton socks. 95 and trying to do it. 95!! How come nobody caught up with that fact before?

if nothing else has come out of this light bulb 💡 moment then at least your FIL has been rejuvenated

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Start surveying your area for good MEMORY CARE and stop attempting to “earn your Crown” by keeping her in a setting that works for neither her nor you.There is NO “moral high ground” when caring for people with dementia. Basing your decision on that premise was a mistake that you made with a willing and loving heart, but one that you must now accept for the mistake it was and move on.

It doesn’t make the SLIGHTEST bit of difference what her “tone” is. She has dementia, and THAT is what you are hearing when she talks to you. Because of her brain illness, she is no longer responsible for her behavior.

As I continue to read your narrative I find wonderful comments about all you’ve learned since you began this work. Be proud of yourself for your honesty, your love for your husband and your life together, and your intelligence and increasing sophistication in dealing with a dementia victim.

In our situations we found that the closer you are to her potential residential site, the easier it will be on you, and the better for her. If you can arrange short frequent “drop-in”visits, great!

Deal head on with flashes of guilt, because you’ll have them. If you’ve done as well in the future as you’ve done in the past, “guilt” is NOT AN OPTION!

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"I’m working on an average of 2-hrs sleep a night for the past eight weeks." How much longer can you tolerate 2 hours of sleep a night?? It is not alright and it is a big problem. You are sleep deprived. Sleep deprived people have - and cause - more accidents. You should not drive a car - or operate heavy machinery - while sleep deprived. Sleep deprived people get sick and heal slower, if at all. Many caregivers die before the loved ones for whom they are caring.

You are still in this early enough to make a plan to get her moved into a facility. Talk to a social worker. Work with the social worker to get your MIL the professional care she needs.

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Please listen to what the people on this forum tell you...they have been there in the trenches and know what they are talking about!!! Hope you get some much needed rest when your MIL gets placed!!

(5)

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I'm right there with you, on so many counts. My mom moved in with us when she had Alzheimer's. (She was a relatively healthy and quite mobile 89 year old.)We took care of her for 5 yrs. and 3 months. My mother-in-law also had Alzheimer's. Although she lived in Assisted Living, we were involved with her care. They both thought that I was the "other woman." My mom thought that I was trying to "steal" her husband. (My father had died years before, but aside from that, to use your word, what a creepy accusation is that!) My mother-in-law thought that my husband, (her son), was her husband, and that he was cheating on her, with me! I wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I found that trying to find the humor in things helped. (Not always an easy thing to do.) I was driving her here and there, and she was driving us crazy! She also sometimes thought that I was the hired help. Help! People would tell me, "This too shall pass, " but it took 5 years and 3 months for it to pass, and that's when she passed away. My mom was a wonderful woman when it was really "her," and my hubby had to remind me, when she'd insult me, over nothing that I had control over, (like the fact that it was raining), that it wasn't really my once very smart and very nice mother. We also had incontinence issues. If we went somewhere, I had to make sure that I had a change of clothes with me, just in case. You haven't lived until you try to change an adult in a small stall. My advice with that would be to "stall," but that's not usually possible. I was lucky in that my mom usually slept through the night. Could you hire someone to stay at your house overnight a few nights a week, so you could get some sleep? I tried to keep my mom active throughout the day so she'd be tired at night, and it usually worked, but not always. I'm sure you've thought of that, too. During this time, I worked part time, but Hubby was home. Most people see Mondays as, "It's Monday, I 'have' to go to work," but I'd think, "Whoo-hoo, it's Monday, I 'get' to go to work." When I changed my perspective dealing with my mom, from, "I have to take care of her," to, "I get to take care of her, " that helped, (sometimes). You're not alone with this. Take care, and I mean that literally as well as a general courtesy. Remember your own health needs.

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Thank you for great ideas, but also for the humor...it's healing to the bones and I needed a laugh or two!

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I too have a healthy 95-year-old with dementia. The best thing I ever did was to move her to an assisted living/memory care facility. For 11 months I cared for her. I went through a lot of what you are doing through. I was resentful that I changed my whole life to take care of someone who doesn't even know who I am. By the time I made the decision to move her, I was exhausted, my health had suffered, and had no life outside of her. I had to cut back on work which has adversely affected my finances--so instead of retiring this year, I will probably need to go a year or two longer. For the first month she was there, I was riddled with guilt and found it hard to adjust back to my "real" life. Slowly, I saw that she was happier there and interacting with other people which seemed to keep her more "connected." The ladies who care for her really know what they are doing. Off-putting behavior that made me freak out, they take in stride. While I know I will never have the relationship we had before (I miss it and I miss her), at least I am not full of anger and resentment. I can visit her, take her treats, and leave the distasteful duties to someone else.
You deserve your own life.

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I had to laugh out loud regarding the MIL "reporting [SJLSJL] to the supervisor"--I would be tempted to say "just go ahead and do so". I agree with the suggestion that because she already thinks she is in a facility, that's all the more reason to place her in one.

You need adequate sleep and time with your husband. Even if you had all the expertise in the world in caring for your MIL, you still have physical and emotional needs that you can't meet while trying to provide what is essentially full-time care (unless you and your husband decided to split the day into shifts, which is not something any rational person would advise). You have provided care for 6 months, which is in itself a degree of success. (I'm not sure if I would have lasted 6 days!) It's time to make the change. I suppose it is possible it will get better someday (when her brain deteriorates enough that she isn't combative)--but only after an extended period in which it gets worse!

I assume your FIL is living by himself at this point? Is he aware of how it is going for you, and what does he have to say?

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I wouldn't last 6 hours.

My hubby's grandmother lived with severe dementia for years. This was back in the '80s. For *years* she was kicking, spitting, punching, biting any caregiver who was not a family member. She was a behemoth of a woman, who did manual labor her whole life, and had the strength of a water buffalo. Agency caregivers lasted a day and refused to return; at least one private pay caregiver quit mid-shift. She needed to be medicated/sedated and I don't know why my inlaws chose to give her nothing. It was extremely difficult for my inlaws to manage the revolving door of caregivers while they worked full time and were raising their young boys.

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You get upset at her comments because what she says is not fair. She no longer has a sense of fairness, right and wrong, your feelings, or social correctness. The situation seems worse than with my mom, but I started caring for her at the beginning of her Alzheimer's. She had a long stretch of meanness, but that went away as she got more and more confused and realized she needed help. Even though I learned over the years how to deal with her dementia, it was eventually too difficult. You are starting at a more advanced stage, so I doubt you can catch up to it. Your mother-in-law needs to be placed in a care facility. And it isn't because of any short coming on your part.

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There is no failure involved with these situations. It is okay to put down a load that is to heavy.

Look at it from a different perspective, her being in a facility will provide her with a village of people to boss around, plus there are 3 shifts, so no one is being sleep deprived. She will have lots of room to roam around, lots of different faces to interact with. She will have a base schedule and wiggle room to be who she is now and who she evolves to be.

You can go visit and see that she has her needs met, any special treats and turn around and go home.

Facilities are equipped to deal with human bodies that no longer have sound minds. They have the staff and resources to give that person a reasonably decent existence. And quite frankly, that's all you can expect dealing with this damnable disease.

Alzheimer's robs a person of so very much, but we don't need to let it steal our lives prematurely. Love and care don't mean sacrificing your wellbeing.

Find a certified elder law attorney (www.nelf.org) will help you find one in your area, they can help ensure that dad isn't left destitute and impoverished by placing her in a facility that will give her the care she needs.

Perhaps now you can see why other family members said no, propping up some situations only cause greater harm when the bottom falls out, they were wise to step back.

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😁🤓 So true. Thank you!

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Pls, pls look for a memory care facility ASAP..

I was able to keep Dad at home, where her passed in 2018.. Mom presented differently w dementia..After becoming an increased fall risk, “hidden” falls, fractured ribs, masking other health problems, I knew I couldn’t give her the proper care at home..

She is with a nice memory care & actually told my brother she likes it there, knows her nurses, etc.. It may take several months for MIL to adjust, but her level of care, and you/husbands well-being & sanity, need to be priority..

Prayers & cyber-hugs to you, husband & MIL.🙏🏻🤗

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One person (or one family) cannot take care of a person that truly need 24 hour care. If she can afford to pay caregivers 24/7 and you have separate space in your home for them away from your husband and yourself - then you could try that. Otherwise - since she thinks she is in "home" already - now may be the perfect time to provide just that. If hubby is not willing - let him do the all nighters - see how fast he will change his mind.

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during the time you are waiting for info about placing your mil in a facility, it might help the both of you if you go along with your mil. for instance, if she is saying she will report you to your supervisor, tell her she is right.; that you are new at this job and that maybe she can assist you by teaching you how the job should be done. if she wants you to continuously do things for her, tell her you are assisting other patients and will assist her momentarily. if she thinks you are stealing her husband (her son), tell her how you are married and you are just admiring the wonderful marriage she has. if she is grabbing at her son, he can say to her let's save that for when we are alone. in other words, improv like actors/comedians do at times. whatever the situation calls for create a storyline.
once my husband and sil did that with their mother, they became more comfortable. please take care of yourselves.

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Really great advice here. I hope you take it to heart and show to your husband as well. Only getting 2 hours of sleep means you are not getting any restful REM sleep which means you are doing harm to your own brain. We must get good REM sleep or we too can suffer from dementia, a smaller hippocampus etc. SO your health needs to be valued and I don't see that happening.
Your marriage also will be suffering and appears to be doing so already.
There is no moral high ground to being a martyr. You must make tough and hard decisions to get the 24/7 care for the MIL so you can be a support to her without damaging your health and marriage. I am certain she wouldn't want that if she were not suffering from ALZ.
Please reconsider this arrangement. And get a copy of the book 36 Hours to see what you can learn from that book.

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First, let me extend my admiration for you and your husband to have offered to take in your mother. That being said, you should look into a memory care facility (as others have noted). What you are dealing with is too much for two people to handle. My mom is in a facility close by, and I have my hands full with her...I can't imagine having her live with me--like you, it would drive me crazy. Your MIL won't improve, but you can do something to improve your situation. At the very least, get a caregiver to come in a couple times a day to relieve you of your duties to her. Don't feel guilty about giving up some of the burden of caring for her. You have a right to your life, too.

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No lies, the situation won't improve. You cannot remain sane and healthy, getting up all night, every night. This is not sustainable. At the very least, you need to alternate 'night duty' with your husband. Can you sleep in separate rooms to that one of you knows they can get sleep, even if it's only every other night? If that's not possible, make your husband get half the time. Your MILs' 'inappropriate' behavior is not an excuse for you husband to check out. Do try to hire help - even for 8 hours per day (or night). Check into available resources - care agencies should be able to educate you about available resources. The relatives that refused to take MIL were right - she needs professional care that you probably can't provide.

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You are risking your own health and wellbeing. Does your MIL have the resources to move to memory care? If so, go visit three of them this week and pick one. If not, apply for Medicaid and visit an elder law attorney to prepare for spending her down.

MIL can't make the decision and it sounds like your husband is removing himself from it. Have him tell his family that mom's needs much more care than you and he realized and that the current situation isn't sustainable. Period. Don't apologize, don't discuss, be calm. If they don't want mom to live in a community setting, they can take her into their homes.

Your MIL's condition will only get worse and, even at her age, she could live for a long time. If you don't protect yourself, she could outlive you.

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So true.

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Praying 🙏 with you to maintain your sanity, patience and the goodness in your heart and your husband too. Try not to punch her or kick 😂 her @$$.
I get it. Thanks for sharing. Dimentia, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, Huntington's and other conditions that cause dysfunction and malfunction in the brain are so horrible. I believe that my mom knows how she's behaving sometimes because she's nasty and beligerant with me and nice to everyone else. When I lose patience and holler and curse at her, I feel so bad because it's not a way to treat my mother. I back off and pray before I do anything... You, your husband and me have strong self control. Let's try to keep exercising it and make it stronger 💪. 🤗😍😂😂 Hang in there...
Also, I am finally accepting the fact that I can't handle Mom at home anymore. She's too heavy for me to lift or move and she rebells everything I ask her to do. She doesn't want me to help her with anything.. The biggest saving grace for me is that she doesn't live in my house. Siblings and I moved her back to her house. Unlike you and your husband, when I leave I get to go home without her. She stayed with me at my house for a bit. Not planning to do that again. Next stop nursing home or full time care at her house. Of course everything costs so much. But, maybe other people can help Mom much better than me...🤓 To answer your question, yes I do feel like I am going insane. I am the one usually stuck at her house hours in and out. I hate it! I leave her house in the evening after she's gone to sleep. I watch the monitor and pray that she stays on the bed and not fall on the floor. Additionally, I try to create breaks and time away for myself where I don't depend on my siblings for coverage. Although they participate and I am grateful, they clearly operate on their own time. Anyway.... See if you and hubby can create time away from the house even if only for a few moments or hour...💖

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I too had feelings of wanting to hurt someone, but I was gently reminded they wouldn't remember even if I did. On to the next option! Lol.

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Make your bathroom into a rainforest tropical paradise with lavender jasmine oils eucalyptus and carry with you a radio with the wind, sea, rain sounds or put it on YouTube and regroup. And then do the same for her with chamomile tea. Pray and Sing yourself happy and recite your script: I am lovely and beautiful and determined I will not let this get the better of me. Then smile at yourself in the mirror until you see the twinkle in your eyes and feel rejuvenated.

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This is how I came to be on here. I had my MIL come to our farm and she was 90. She had a great mind. We had hospice over and done. Not for long and it was fine.
My Mama has Alzheimer's and mixed dementia. We muddled through for 7 years and I was pretty much a crazy lady. After listening to everyone here, as soon as she had a fall, off to the E.R. from there to rehab and my story is all crazy and on here lol! Now it is 2 1/2 years later and she is in a nice M.C. It took 3 trips to a geriatric psych. hospital and 1 change of MC units.
My life is still all about her but I have a life again with my husband. The MC is about 50 miles away but all we have is 2 little rest homes in our town. She walks fine with no walker. They keep her busy and washed and I still feel guilty. I also know it is the only way I would have survived. Please listen to these people because they have lived this too. Grace and Peace, Love Boots

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In reading all the replies, which I agree with, the one thing I didn't see was Hospice. I never thought of it because I knew he was not within the 6 month window I thought Hospice covered. I was wrong about what they can do. My doctor suggested it was time to contact them and find out what they could do. We just signed up and I already feel better about my keeping my husband at home for much longer. They are picking up all medicines related to his dementia and pain and will have them delivered to the house. There will be a nurse who visits weekly to monitor how he is doing and make sure we have everything we need. There will be a CNA out two to three times a week to handle the bathing (which has become very difficult). They will be providing us with a transit chair because the wheel chair we have is getting too heavy for me to handle. They are even picking up the cost (and delivery) of the depends he needs. All of this is with NO charge. They have a number that is staffed 24/7 that I am encouraged to call if his behavior becomes too difficult, if the pain is not being controlled, or if there is a medical issue that concerns me. I think he has a few more years in him and knowing this service is starting now and will care for him throughout is a great load off my mind.

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SJLSJL
I can relate to your situation. I quit my job in 2014 because my husband and I wanted to travel prior to relocating my mother to the state we live in, because it was evident that she was suffering from a cognitive impairment. Those plans were short lived because she came to our state for a relatives funeral 1 week before my final day of work and she became ill during that visit and required a 4 day hospital stay. I realized that she no longer needed to live alone and she had to be relocated immediately. We cared for my mother in our home for 4 years until she became angry, aggressive, incontinence (bladder and fecal) delusional, hallucinating, wandering and very uncooperative (medication helped some but not enough). I finally realized that I could no longer care for her and I placed her in assisted living memory care August 2018. My mother is still struggling with the behaviors of dementia but I know that I made the best decision for all involved because I could not have continued to be sleep deprived and care for her appropriately. My mother and I were best friends before Alzheimer's/Dementia robbed her and prior to placing her I really didn't want to be in the same room with her. Ultimately you and your husband must make the best decision for you and your family.

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