How has caregiving effected your view on your personal aging and death?
I really don’t want to be totally dependent on others for my wellbeing. I don’t want my children being my caregiver. Don’t even know if I would want my husband being my caregiver. Not sure how I feel about a facility either. Would be nice to just go to bed and not wake up when my number is up!
Seeing my mom helpless and needing assistance in so many areas really changed my perspective on things. I couldn’t help but feel like I would never want to live like that.
I didn’t like when these thoughts occurred while caring for mom and they still exists for me even though I no longer care for her.
As most of you know I cared for her for nearly 15 years in my home. My mom is now being cared for by my brother and SIL.
What has been your biggest fears regarding your health and ultimately dying in the future?
18 Answers
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The end.
I bet a lot of people feel as you do. They just won’t admit it.
My uncle did try to kill himself. The nurses and doctors at the VA hospital saved his life. He was so angry when the attempt to slit his wrist didn’t kill him.
I was in my twenties at the time. None of my brothers went to visit him. I was the only one of daddy’s kids that went to see my dad’s older brother. He had cancer.
He had his voice box removed so he used that tool to speak with. It was interesting, he was really hard to understand but when he would curse everyone out, every word was clear! Hahaha.
I loved my uncle. He was a character! He treated me like I was his daughter. He had never married, no children. My dad said no one would have married him because he was a bit rough around the edges. Still, daddy loved his brother and I did too.
The frazzled nurse at the VA just blurted out in a loud voice to me the next morning when I went to visit, “Your uncle is in a bad mood because he tried to kill himself and we saved his life!” I’m sure she had a rough night with him but it destroyed me hearing of his suicide attempt in that way and she humiliated him.
I held back my tears so I wouldn’t upset my uncle. I picked up his frail hand and held it. I told him that I understood that he wanted his misery to end.
My daddy’s side is Scottish/Irish and my uncle had flaming red hair and piercing blue eyes. He had lots of freckles. He had a quick temper but a heart of gold as well.
His true blue eyes always spoke volumes. I have the same blue eyes. So did my daddy’s mom. I never knew her. She died before daddy married my mom. Supposedly, I look like her.
I get it. Sometimes the pain and anguish is just too much to bear. My uncle didn’t live much longer after his suicide attempt.
He asked that his body be donated to science. He did not want any memorial but my parents had one in the chapel of the hospital anyway. I think it was just for some sort of closure.
He wasn’t a religious man. My daddy’s family was very religious. They were a strict Pentecostal religion that followed the scripture of, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.”
They had to pick their own switch off the tree to be beaten with. It was a tough upbringing. They were extremely poor too. So, he was kind of turned off by the church. I understood that and never judged him.
I prayed for him but didn’t cast any judgment on him. Yeah, what favors did they do him by saving his life? But at the same time, hospitals are doing their job by preventing a suicide. Gets complicated, doesn’t it?
I don't even know yet if I am cured. Remission, whatever. I will find out in a few weeks after some more testing.
I did ask my oncologist if this was probably what was going to 'get me' and he said
'nobody knows, of course, but it's likely. You probably won't live to 90 like your mother. You can probably expect 20 years.' Shoot, I'm, 63, that's just fine with me!
This was good news. I am one and done with cancer. This comes back and I am not going to treat it. Seeing how awful it is, living it and being so very alone in the battle--not worth it. I'm am not afraid of death. I am terrified of living past my sell by date and being a burden, as both my mother and MIL are.
Yes, with you it isn’t just speculation or wondering like we all do after about our own mortality seeing people age in our families. You have faced your own trials. I can’t imagine what you are going through.
I continue to pray for complete healing for you. Hugs!
My bucket list is now a thimble list :P
As for death, I am not afraid of it. Both my parents learned from their parents the circle of life, and passed that on to me. Be it tomorrow or 10 years from now, I am ready. Got all the legal documents/trust in order. Probably is easier for me [only child] since I have no children, nor nieces or nephews.
You’re right about the price of getting old!
I don't have any fears regarding my health. I'm divorced and have no interest in compromising with anyone again so I don't have to worry about a spouse or partner. I've already made my children promise that no matter how young or old I am, if I'm not able to toilet myself and shower, they are to put me in a facility, I don't care where. If I sink into dementia they are to put me in a facility, I don't care where. I hope I remain capable long enough to realize if/when the future is just going to get worse. If so they are to take me to Hawaii while I'm still able to travel because assisted suicide is legal there. I plan on going out on a cloud of morphine or any acceptable substitute while enjoying the black sand beaches.
i thought i was a halfassed CG . in hindsight my mother had a controlled situation that i can only envy .
I think it is kind of a part of aging, to think about these things. We would have never thought about it this deeply as a kid.
No wait, I did have a fear of death as a young girl. Honestly, I feel that came from my parents taking me to a lot of wakes and funerals. My great aunt told me the deceased was ‘only sleeping.’ Screwed up kids telling them that. They didn’t know any better back then.
Plus the horror films I saw as a young girl. I was the only girl in my family. I was outnumbered and my brothers always wanted to see every scary movie their was. I got drug along. My opinion didn’t count for anything.
Yeah, when I got older I liked scary movies but as a very young child they truly terrified me. I had countless nightmares and then was continuously ridiculed for being scared.
Oh well, life of being the only girl and parents who just didn’t realize how much things effected me
so much.
Failing That, Second Choice: While the thought of selling everything and cruising the world does beckon, the frightening antics of several who went into old age before me point me straight to an altogether different path.
I'm thinking seriously about getting rid of any vehicle(s) I own, then switching from driver's license to state ID - and *not* Real ID - even if I still drive well - 'cause I want to choose when to stop, plus any real travel skills I once had are already long gone. Then, I want to admit myself ASAP into Independent Living, or Assisted Living, whichever is more appropriate at the time. Seems like the happiest plan for everyone involved.
i have changed my entire way of living and eating. I plan to die young at an advanced old age,
seeing the way my friends and family eat...sadly, I expect to outlive them all.
https://seniorshelpingseniorsnh.com/elderly-home-caregivers/stevie-the-robot-helps-seniors
I'm retired on disability with severe asthma and some mobility issues from spinal stenosis and osteoarthritis, mostly just limits. I can do just about anything I want for few minutes to an hour or so, then I need to put my feet up and rest my back before going again. The biggest impact care giving has had on me is probably in planning and saving. Raised by my mother to manage household expenses frugally, I continue to live below my means so I can save for my senior "alone" years. None of my relatives were wealthy, but I was able to observe having some "extra" money above basic living expenses, sometimes just a few hundred a month, provided many more options.
I plan to age in place as long as I can do most ADLs and already have a single level home with ADA baths, ramps, lever door handles, lower kitchen drawer cabinets, security system with panic button, etc. I exercise "load management" and use the limited exertion my joints and back tolerate doing stuff I want to be doing and hire weekly housekeeping help for the rest. I live next door to my nephew and he (or his son) mows my yard when he mows his own. Today it's snowing and a grand-nephew showed up (without any prompting) at 7:00a this morning with mom's newspaper to clear my ramp, request I cook his favorite breakfast, and watch a movie on my streaming service. I will most likely be able to remain in this home during the "watch over" phase of aging. If not, I might try out the ranch condo senior living community where my aunt lived.
As long as in home care is less expensive than AL and/or I only need limited help, I'm going to spend my money to remain in the home. When I need daily help (dressing, cooking or medication management) or it's difficult to get out to my car, I'm moving to an AL where I hopefully remain until death.
Once my care giving period is over, I'm going to travel a bit as my own health allows. My asthma makes hotel rooms problematical beyond a few days so I'm thinking of purchasing an RV and hitting the roads for a few months each year to visit historic sites, national parks, and some extended family along the way. RV campsite rentals (and cooking in the RV) are a lot cheaper than hotels and restaurant meals too. I've got my eye on a couple of 55+ campgrounds with wonderful views of mountains and lakes where I might stay a couple of weeks just enjoying the scenery while I read some good books and occasionally find someone to join me for a good meal.
So I will not become very overweight.
I will not let little problems go because they can become big problems.
I will stay active so that I can remain mobile and productive, etc.
I will not move in with my daughter until it is VERY necessary.
I will keep a social life so as not to be overly dependent on my family to entertain me.
I would also like to leave this life in my sleep. HAHA. I wonder what the very low % of people this happens to??