I wanted to provide an update. Dad told me yesterday that the lady who helps out in the mornings/early afternoon, is going out of town. He says he is going to ask another lady about helping. Well.. in the very next sentence he says.. "It is a shame you do not let me come in your house, you do not treat me right." It is true, when he was able to drive, I started meeting him outside because I got tired of complaining about my house. He would go from calling it raggedy to fussing and cursing because there might be a dish in the sink. The point is , it is my house. So he then says that he is going to start coming to my house more. I think he is trying to plan a way to live with me and it is not happening. It amazes me how he constantly thinks people are supposed to rearrange their lives to accomodate his. Honestly I think the lady who has been helping out, has gotten tired.
Say to your daughter "show up at my house on Friday morning and clean my toilets"? And actually expect it to happen?
No, of course not.
This is disordered thinking. This is mental illness. It's sad, but it does not obligate you to do what he demands.
He has an attitude? So what. Don't visit, or leave when he becomes churlish.
Just read your response to Southiebella. You know that you aren’t going to move in with your dad. He doesn’t have any control over where you live.
It doesn’t matter how many arguments that your father initiates. Or if he feels betrayed by you. As Southiebella says, there are resources to help you navigate, such as the book that she read on setting boundaries.
Everyone on this forum are adults who are responsible for their actions and reactions to what others do and say.
Walk away from your dad when he behaves this way with you. He doesn’t appreciate your views so don’t waste your time trying to explain anything to him.
You can turn this around. While you have no power to change your dad’s behavior, you can make the decision to change your reaction to it.
I wish you well.
You are right, I'm not moving in with him and I have learned to walk away when he starts mistreating me. I do not even try to explain my feelings anymore. He did apologize recently by saying if he has ever said anything to hurt me or my daughter's feelings, he is sorry, but.... He was right back to doing the same thing the next day. It is also amazing how he has many other people feeling sorry for him.
Growing up, I didn't dare cross one of her boundaries for fear of getting a solid tongue lashing or maybe a smack and a sharp dressing down.
However, she, nor my father ever allowed me or my brother to have any personal boundaries.
If I ever tried to set a boundary, it was seen as a betrayal and was violated post haste. The silent treatment was also a favorite of theirs to bring me back into line.
It was only about 5 years ago, after I had brought my mother to live with me that a friend told me to read the book by Cloud and Townsend, BOUNDARIES. I had no idea that I had a right to set boundaries.
To me that means he no longer drives. If that is the case then you simply do not drive him to your house.
If he calls a cab, UBER, or any Ride Share and you see him knock at your door DO NOT answer the door. You tell any "lady that is helping him out" that they are not to bring him to your house. (change your locks)
When he says things like "I am going to come to your house more" your response Is any of these:
"That will not be possible"
"I'm sorry but you can't do that"
"You can not come over"
I learned a very valuable come back on this Forum that I weaponized my DH with for dealing with his Dad . My FIL was in AL and always coming up with reasons to move because he didn’t think he belonged there ( dementia ) .
“ That won’t be possible “. ( Period )
No further explanations . Move on to some other subject , or hang up the phone or end the visit .
Alva's idea is a good one!! I like that joking type response!
For me, I have a good built in excuse, that my house has no bathroom on the first level, and my Dad cannot get up the stairs any more. Once in a while when he's thrown out the idea in between places/ hospitalizations, of "maybe I''ll come stay with you for a week", my response is "oh, don't forget dad, I have no bathroom on the first floor"
So figure out what to say that fits best with you. A truthful excuse like mine if you have one ready "Oh dad you cant possibly stay here because the house......" Its convenient that he complains about your house - throw his criticisms back out as reasons for him NOT to stay! . A joking distracting response like Alva's suggestion. Or just plain repeated "no" if you can stomach that and take the following backlash. Whatever you have to do, but it sounds like you dont want to have him even for 1 day, so dont fall for it and open up pandora's box!
I have a number of friends and acquaintances who's parent has asked " can I come stay for just a week.." which then turned into forever.
When he said "you don't treat me right" you say "I guess we are even now, you didn't treat me and Mom right either". I love when parents do nothing for their kids but expect them to care for them because they are the parent. My GFs ex had nothing to do with his daughter until he had a heart attack. Then he wanted a relationship. The daughter, now in her 40s with 2 sons he never had anything to do with said NO.
Tell Dad you are only doing what you want to do for him. You do not care about what he wants. Be very blunt if you need to tell him again..."One more time Dad, You will NEVER live with me. When u can no longer do for yourself, you will need to go to a nursing home." That will be the last time you tell him this. Ignore him if he says anything about moving in just give him that look "really".
The people who seem to deal with people like your Dad are those that can joke about it. "Yeah Dad, you'll be living with me when Hell freezes over" "Yeah Dad, keep thinking that, because it will never happen". These types of personality think if they keep saying it, you'll break down. "I don't think so" and laugh.
As it was, just having them in the same town was torture enough. The stress ruined my health, my retirement, and nearly killed me. I was literally a "walking stroke waiting to happen." (BP was 210/95.) I am much better now. :-)
I remember when my folks moved across the country to be near me after I had my son. They walked into my house one day unannounced and uninvited! I was shocked and upset. Mom pulled out the FOG card immediately saying she didn't feel they needed an invitation to their own daughters home, for crying out loud. I corrected her right away saying she sure DID need an invitation and to please never do this again. From that day forward, I kept my doors locked and never gave them a key, God forbid. Mom would've come in every time I was gone to PROPERLY organize and rearrange my home 🙄
Manipulative people know no boundaries and show no respect, but demand WE show THEM respect. It's twisted thinking at its worst.
It wasn't until my mom died that I finally got out of the FOG. He was in ALF by that point and I stopped putting up with his verbal abuse, delusions and lies. Visits lasted 5 minutes, tops. When he would start swearing at me in 2 languages, I'd just turn around and leave. Ended up NC until he passed. I couldn't even blame it on dementia; he had been mentally ill his entire life.
Because, quite frankly, if they would have been the kind of parents that had healthy relationships with their offspring, things would have been very different.
As far as your housekeeping, in your own home, my favorite line to anyone that would dare call me out because it isn't how they like it or woulddo it (smh and growl), "If it bothers you, you are welcome to deal with it!" That usually stops the judgmental bs.
He can think whatever he likes about how things SHOULD be.
You are in charge of how they are with regards to YOUR participation.
I wouldn't point out his past abuse. He will neither acknowledge it nor change. Save your breath.
I agree... I'm learning to just save my breath now because whatever I say, he flips it back on me ( gas lighting). I'm focusing on myself.
When he says such things just smile, giggle, wiggle your hips and say "You know Dad, you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I don't treat you right. You deserve better! I am gonna work on myself".
Because you know, same old same old. It get's predictable. He does his thing. You do yours.
It needs the spice of variety. It needs heavy dollops of humor.
Bring on the clowns. (Wait! That's actually a real SAD song, isn't it?)
I actually surprised myself by not becoming as upset as I usually get. He was really trying very hard to start an argument and get pity from me while making me feel bad. I tried explaining how he treated my mother and me and he denies all of it. I'm slowly reaching a certain level of peace because I'm tired of the antics.