I’m really struggling. Mom & I have always been very close. But since I left home in 1972 for college, we have never really lived close to each other since then, We’ve stayed in touch writing letters, visiting, traveling together, and more recently through the wonders of technology.
I’ve flew from Colorado to be at her doctor’s appointment where we learned her aortic valve implant is leaking and regurgitating. She requested to die at home with family and friends around her. Sadly, no family lives in the state where she now resides. We admitted her to hospice two weeks ago. I am her only blood child. I have 5 step sibs. They all visited last week. I am here by myself. I have hired an overnight caregiver 4 nights a week. She’s slips between napping and being very lucid. Until 3 weeks ago, she walked a mile a day with her walker.
I put off knee surgery to come to see her and support her. I am a very active outdoor girl. My knee surgery is for a torn meniscus root that needs to be reattached to the tibia. The longer I wait the more I risk making the tear worse.
Sooooo….how long do I stay? Am I irresponsible if I leave my mom in the care of those in residence, hospice and overnight care? I am meeting with the resident social worker and head of healthcare at her residence to learn what options I have for stepped up care in the nursing unit. Moving her will kill her! So hard! And so emotional! And counsel would be greatly appreciated!
She will continue to have hospice support while in placement, but as you know they (Hospice) supply very little.
Then you will have to return to have a surgery that avoiding for any length of time may be life changing.
Mitral Valve regurgitation isn't actually uncommon and can be lived with a long time. Unless your mom's doc has told you death is imminent (and this a serious leak) it may not be, especially if your mom begins to eat and drink.
I would discuss with social workers. I think you need to address this surgery.
Your Mom may die when you aren't there.
There is no really good answer to this.
Have you discussed this with your mother and step siblings? Because you are there and have access to the doctors and we are a forum of strangers who don't know anything about this particular diagnosis or prognosis.
If she is in care she will continue to have the visitation and support of the step siblings who apparently have been the ones actually THERE all this time?
I understand that you kept in good touch. My brother was one half the state away, and we too did it by letter and visits and calls. My daughter is in another state. I understand, and am only making the point that your leaving for needed surgery does not let your mom alone and desserted.
Do discuss with mom and step siblings, doctors and social worker.
That's where I would begin. Not everything has a perfect answer, to be sure.
Wishing you the best and good luck.
Since your mother said she wanted to die at home with family and friends around her, it looks like you're it, since the step kids have already visited. If it were me, I'd want to extend my trip as long as possible to stay with mom and not have her be alone, since she's still very lucid.
The choice, of course, is up to you and strangers on the internet cannot tell you the answer to this question. Only you know what you feel is right in your heart.
Good luck.
Many people step forward to help in a crises. It seems natural.
But that was one giant leap from coming to visit your Mother to being responsible for her 24/7 care. Surely there must be other smaller steps inbetween?
See what facts you can get from Mom's Doctor (or their best guesses). It sounds harsh being written, but an expected timeframe if you can.
Then definately meet that SW & explore all the options.
No-one can say if a move will fasten her demise or not but don't assume it will. If Mom is in a cont. of care residence it may be a fairly easy transfer. Slid onto a trolley & wheeled from one wing to another. Her new room/bedside set up with a favorite photo & her own bedcover will make it more like her own room.
I've moved many palliative care patients from one ward to another. Gently slid onto a new bed (using slide board or hover mat). Not burdonsome or unsettling.
However, ambulance transport, with a few bumps & road travel to a new facility accross town can be burdonsome for very end of life patients - it is not always medically recommended to move them. This very much depends on their condition & pain (eg fractured bones).
A final thought, would you feel comfortable saying your goodbye to Mom early?
Have a good chat about your lives.
Listen out if she is seeking your 'permission' to go.. Some do seek their LO's permission & ask things like Have I been a good Mother? If given the Yes Mom. You have. I will miss you greatly & remember you. Then they feel their task is complete. They have 'peace'.
Peace is what I think that whole "I want to die at home, with family" really is. It's not the building of bricks or timber etc, maybe not even the people (who is lined up around the bedside). It's a feeling.
You can’t let your meniscus go and risk mobility issues for the future.