How many people here caring for a LO expect that level of care from their own children someday?

No

I doubt my children would devote the time and patience to care for me. I pray I don’t live long enough to need dementia care or have money for assisted living

I also would not want my family performing my ADL’s for me. I’d rather spend quality time with them. This helps me to trust my parents when they said, I’ll go to a nursing home. I’m currently helping with IADL’s, which can have some challenges but it’s working out fine so far. I’m just grateful they can live at home with a little help from friends and family for now and that a nursing home isn’t the end of the world.

After being a caregiver for both of my parents, I would NEVER expect my family to do this for me! It's too difficult and not necessary in our society.

My mind is buzzing with thoughts… what an excellent topic starter. Following for sure.

This is something in my own situation that I've thought about a lot. I moved to a far-away town when I got married in my 20s (in my 60s now). My in-laws have chased us around the country as they moved; I am the "responsible" DIL". We did not have a great relationship through the first part of my marriage, but they moved every time my husband and I moved because they knew they'd need care. My own parents have just been angry for 40 years because I "wouldn't move back" with my husband to my home town.

My in-laws (now just MIL) are successful narcissists that have no friends. My family has always been really their only "friends". They are not relational at all. So my MIL, in an independent living center, sits in her room and waits to come visit. She "doesn't like" any of the other 200 people there. She had one friend she dined with who is slipping into dementia.

My own parents flatly refused to move nearer to me or my brother, leaving the guilt of not being able to engage in care now because I am 11 hours away. Most all their friends moved away or are in care centers; my parents have just hunkered down and simmered in their anger about their situation.

One of my main hopes is that my husband and I can build a life going forward that is not DEPENDENT on our kids. Not physically, and not emotionally. I want us to have our own friends, our own activities, and our own support networks. I want to be somewhat near our kids so it is easier for them to lend support when we need it--but not too close. I hope for less than a two-hour drive from two of my kids so any necessary help can be shared, but I will used caregivers as much as I can.

My mother and my in-laws especially, are just too dependent emotionally on me and my family for their happiness. And the care and time I have given them has never, ever been enough.

I am not responsible for their happiness. I've spent a lot of time listening to clinical psychology teachings and realize that my family and my husband's family are both really broken. Specifically, they are both very immature (my dad was not, nor was his family). I have worked hard to understand this broken dynamic because I want it to be different for my kids.

The main thing I think I have learned in my years of this is it will be much easier on my kids later if my husband and I work actively to manage our own futures now. There is a different kind of resentment toward caregiving when the parents didn't at least try to take care of their own situations--like refusing for 30 years to tend to diet, to develop social groups, and to have their own lives. I can't tell you how resentful it makes me that my MIL is in a very nice independent living center, and refuses to engage in any social activities there.

I feel the less a parent expects from a child, the more that child is able to give willingly. I am already burned out from the parasitic nature of the family relationships over the last 40 years, and have NO positive emotions about taking care of either my mom or my MIL. I feel nothing but resentment.

I hope that, now that we have good forums and better care giving situations evolving, that my kids will have better direction about how to handle these many difficult elder care issues. I hope it will be different for them. The support and good information I have gotten from this forum has been more valuable than I can express.

I agree. I do NOT want my kids to have to care for me. But I can see as we deal with my very independent-minded but more-needy-than-they-realize in-laws that not everything goes the way we want. It would be way more easy if my in-laws lived closer at least. It's between a four-hour to six- or seven-hour round trip just driving, depending on traffic. My cousin took care of his mom until she died at 98. (Fed, took her to doctors, diapered her, got her a Hoyer lift at home.) She had said YEARS earlier that she didn't want to interfere with his life and to "just put her in a nursing home." But every time she went to nursing care/rehab after a fall or surgery or heart issue, she would beg to come home. Her last two years she had dementia. It was a very tough situation, and her wishes completely changed once she was in her 90s. I would pay more taxes if I knew the money would go to elderly care. It's a crisis.

My sister and I have been caring for our mother — my brother has had NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with helping our 92 yr old dementia psychotic mother. Mom always said, a son is is son til he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life. That being said, I only have sons. And I see the writing on the wall already: I’ll be completely on my own. so my plans are to move out of state and look into assisted living and hope for an occasional phone call on my birthday. Maybe. I won’t be a burden and beg my son to change my diapers, thank you very much. I can pretty much tell my husband wouldn’t be there for me either— he wasn’t for his first wife, I’ve since found out ( she passed from myasenia gravis) so I’m sure to be on my own!!

I’m getting the impression that few people ‘want’ this in advance – if they do, they could well be self-centered narcissists. However as people age, they want as few changes as possible. They want to live somewhere familiar, have family to care for them not strangers, etc etc. They forget their old ‘good intentions’, because their memories of the old 'wants' get drowned in their fear of the future and of change.

No, I wouldn't put my daughter through that ordeal. If I get to that point, I will tell her beforehand to send me to a nursing home. It is too much for one person. I would not expect her to give up her free time to take care of me.

I fell twice within one week. Last week, I went outside to take out the trash, missed a step and fell. Today, I went to change the clocks to normal time. I had been putting this off because I've been having some balance problems. I think the medications I'm taking is causing it. I need to check in with my doctor. I stood up in a chair, lost my balance, and knocked over a lamp. My cat ran. I'm sore, but not too bad yet. I can see why elders are afraid of showers and of falling.
Luckily for me I'm pretty strong willed and would probably risk more injury getting to the phone and calling 911.

Exhausted one...
In my case, there was no question....my poor father ended up in rehab after open heart surgery at 86. I was against the surgery, but one of the doctors told him that even if it was risky, that he would only be at risk by 15%...so, 85% he'd survive the procedure. This pleased my father and he happily agreed to have open heart surgery.
Well, he survived, but ended up in rehab because my mom couldn't care for him. She was blinded by macular degeneration. She'd lost her driving license years before, so she needed assistance as much as he did.
I had just moved out of state, and didn't realize the magnitude of what was happening.
I was close to both parents, and being that they were of the Greatest Generation, I trusted they'd be fine, because they'd always done well.
3 months after my father's procedure, he passed....a real shock for me, my mother, and sister...my sister lived nearby but was very busy with her life, plus, she's a business woman, not a caregiver! She told me this later.
Without any hesitation, I Began to drive back and forth to stay with my dear, sweet mom for 10-12 days, then drive home to see my hubs and care for the 16 cats we had...lots of work, ok.
My sister and I had Big Blowup...mainly because she didn't want to have Mother with her all the time....my sister lost her job and home, and had moved in with Mom....but she hated having to take Mom out with her. Meanwhile, I lost my home too! It was the housing collapse of 2012....finally, after our Blowup, I ordered my sister gone...and my mother and I filed a police report on my sister's abusive behavior....I'm skipping details, ok.
On January 4, 2014, my hubs and I moved Mother out with us, and gave her home to my sister.
Fair deal....and, from then on, I became my mom's full time caregiver until I lost her in 2018....I have Zero regrets....but, I do regret not acting fast enough to help my poor dad. He didn't last long in rehab....so, that was a tragedy.
I would do it all again in a heartbeat...my mom was my sweet angel, sent to me by God....and she's worth more to me than my life. So, now I'm still here, don't know why...but I guess the Lord has me here for a reason...I cling to God!! There's nothing else, no one else can make me smile like Christ!
And, yes, our parents, namely our mothers, did sacrifice all for us! The least I could do was take her in, give her the best I had to offer, and laugh with her, even tho watching her decline put me into a deep anticipatory grief...but, I'd do it all again, and with honor and gratitude to the Lord for letting me have her as long as He did. She passed just before turning 95.
I miss her terribly, and after nearly 4 years later, I cry, I write about her, and any dreams I have of her, I faithfully write down.
I was her seeing-eye daughter, and she was my everything!
Shalom! 💜🕊💜

Okay, so I'm intentionally not going to read anyone else's responses before I post mine. (That's the opposite of my norm.)

As my mom had health issues, life-changing surgery and then later had progressively declining health my support level for her changed over the course of 11 years.

She was a baby boomer. I'm a younger Gen Xer.

We never talked about me "taking care of her." She always wanted to live on her own and do her own thing and I was happy to let her do so as we lovingly butt heads about what I should and shouldn't do with my life or in my home. :-)

She had a stroke shortly before I relocated to a new state. Although she recovered fairly well, she couldn't drive or take public transportation alone anymore.

She joined me in the new state and moved in with me and my two toddlers. At first she only "needed me" for rides to the store, to run errands that were too hard, pick up heavy stuff, that sort of thing. She was my afterschool care and babysitter and even cooked for us frequently.

The fact of the matter is, unexpected necessary surgery and the resulting issues put me unexpectedly in a caregiver role.

I just reacted from that point on until years later when I had the wherewithal, knowledge and burnout to realize I needed to do some things differently.

We were not economically well off, so paying for private help was not an option and she was on Medicare which did the major and basic things, but not ADLs.

I know she cared for her mother when she became ill and to some extent, yes, I think she expected me to do whatever was needed with no questions even though she also was frustrated and embarrassed by her need for the assistance.

That being said, what do I expect from my children?

I expect them to help me as much as I NEED them to, but I am working to make sure they know I want them to utilize whatever aides, therapists, etc. that are available and affordable using my insurance, personal funds, etc so they are not burdened.

I don't want them to have to help me with toileting or dressing wounds, etc. but they may need to do so at some point. We don't know what the future holds. For me the main things is I don't want to guilt them into not asking for or seeking paid help and I plan to be very agreeable to accepting help from my friends and/or their friends for things that are less personal so my kids aren't stretched thinly.

Personally it would have been easier to handle the gross/intimate things if I had someone else to take mom to appointments, to the store, etc. and if I could have gotten her out of the house for a few hours every week to have a mental break.

Her personality plus her unique health challenges combined with my embarrassment about a cluttered home and my reluctance to ask for help made that difficult, especially in those last few years.

I hope I haven't been rambling, but now that I've gone around the world, short answer below:

I expect my kids to show me respect and love out of their love for Christ and their love for me which I endeavored to nurture all their lives.

I expect my kids to help me make good decisions about my life and health as long as I'm mentally competent to make my own decisions. Should I lose that mental capacity, I expect them to act in my best interests as they would want someone to do for them.

I expect them to discern what tasks should and can be delegated and what tasks they need to do themselves. Factors include: professional/technical expertise required? Safety issue? Parent's comfort level w/ other people? Practicality/scheduling? Personal preference (of me as parent and them as the child).

Short term family helps people who are sick and recuperating all the time even with things like going to the bathroom. Long term it's healthy to get help if at all possible.

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This year has made me think about this a lot. A little over a year ago my brother’s then 22 year old daughter called me when a crisis blew up. He had no money at all and couldn’t remember her address. She and I became a team of caregivers for him since I live 1600 miles away. She took him to doctor appointments, attorney for POA stuff, ER. I made the decisions and directed her, and I wanted to make it as easy as possible for her. Ultimately he was diagnosed with glioblastoma which has a very poor prognosis. She’s been doing activities that most people don’t do until the 50s or 60s. There was no debate about where to place him as requires 24/7 care. He’s receiving amazing hospice care in an excellent nursing home. Neither of us could begin to take care of him. Once he began getting excellent care we could sleep again.

With all of this I’ve wondered who will take care of me since have no spouse or kids. I had originally designated another brother for account beneficiary, executor, etc. but he has been thoroughly disengaged with our brother and his care. My niece offered to take care of all this when I said I didn’t trust him. I was shocked! So I’m changing things in my will. I said that if it comes time that I need more care I’m willing to move closer to her (she’d love it if I moved there next week). I want her to research and find the best AL or NF for me. I’m also writing a letter to her that will include friends who will help her, as well my instructions to move me closer to care for me if I can’t take care of myself. I used to be a CNA so I get the care involved!

To be sure there are terrible NF out there but there are also excellent ones. But a lot of people generalize the horror stories and say they’ll never go there or put a parent there. By then the elderly parent has lived a full life. Why can’t their children do the same? People who choose to do caregiving have no idea what they’re in for.

I don't know.

I think that if twenty or thirty years ago you had asked our cared-for loved ones of now whether they expected their personal care needs to be supplied by their children you would probably have got "no!" across the board.

So. I think we'd better assume there's a radical change in perspective somewhere down the line, and it's probably not safe to say until we get there.

I only hope to have my children near me and then only at times. My mother is in SN after years in AL. I do not want that for myself if at all possible. I am not advocating against it. I simply know myself and a variety of factors lead to these sentiments.

I take much better care of myself than my mother did. I hope to be more independent than she was. If I need help I would hope to have it in my own environment. I also fear too much longevity especially if in a physically compromised state.

My husband and I have set up our financials so that there should be money if we need care especially if our house is sold. I would have no problem downsizing if need be.

I am 65 and do some form of exercise 6 days a week. I eat well and watch my weight. I seek medical attention when needed and stay on top of testing that is suggested as I age. I don't have any serious vices.

I realize all this may not be enough one day but I try as best I can to advocate for myself. We have wills and medical directives assigning POA's. Beyond all that I just hope I can age gracefully. I do not want my children to be burdened with my care. I only hope to stay connected with them and hopefully with my grandchildren who we have invested time with and formed positive relationships. I was very close to one grandmother who made it to 98. I always remembered my earlier years with her and she had profound influence on my life especially at times when my mother was not always emotionally present. Beyond all that I just look to God to help me through what my future may bring. I would like to emulate the queen of England without all the matching outfits and the large staff. I hope to remain proud of my children. I hope none of them find themselves divorced having had divorced parents yet I know there certainly are circumstances that may be for the best for some and if that is the case I hope their future unions bring them peace.

I hope my world is surrounded by positive influences and void of crime. I am basically a kind person and treat others with respect. I hope the same is shown to me.

Great question.

Because my children have seen me care for their grandparents (my in-laws, both in their 90s), they have come to appreciate that it requires a self-sacrificing spirit to care for them full-time. Both require assistance with daily personal hygiene, walking, help with toileting, turning in bed, wound care, range of motion exercises, providing recreation, giving them individual emotional and spiritual support... In our home, our goal is to help them to thrive, not just merely survive. Occasionally, my children have traveled to come to visit and have assisted me in rendering care. My son has admitted, because I have a nursing background that he probably will not be able to do everything as well as I do, but has assured me that whatever he and his wife can do for me (when the time comes and I am elderly, disabled and in need of their assistance) they will do to the best of their ability.
I said, yes. That would be okay.
Our faith has taught us the value of talking about such matters and to explore prospective specific plans of action that each family member can do or is willing to consider realistically doing. We believe that discussing these things ahead of time, helps us to be prepared to meet challenges along the way. I have my wishes in writing in a living will and have given my family members copy.

It is not the level of vulnerability that i would worry about. If you see the answers of most everyone on here, it’s not the type of help they have to give, it’s the expectations of time, finances, time away that are the things that seem to drag us down. So for me, in a transitional situation to different level of care that I might need when I get older, I would be thankful for help if I needed it. But I will make it clear to my children that it’s not supposed to be long-term. I will make plans, as much as possible, to make the decisions easy for them. What I want most from my children, will be time To visit, keep me up on what’s happening with the ones I love, and taking walks or enjoying the sunshine

When I was younger, I use to have expectations of people, family, children, but now that I am older & have some life experiences & realities under my belt, I know expectations only set you up for disappointment & I have learned to not place my expectations on anyone else. I’m not bitter, just learned to let go. After all the years I had cared for my Mother & after her death, I have been working very hard to prepare that everything will be in place for me to take care of me, so I won’t be a burden to my children. I feel good about my plans.

Children who are not trained professional caregivers should not be obligated to become their Parents caregivers when they get older. Especially since most would not do a very good job. There are some exceptions, but it is rare. Better to help in other ways and leave caregiving to the professionals.

ExhaustedOne: That is a hard no. I will not put my DD through what my late mother made me endure simply because my mother didn't plan for her elder care. I've planned ahead of time for my own aging self.

My family has specific instructions for when I can no longer care for myself- take me out to pasture and put me down!! Or at a minimum, just send me out there and leave me to my own devices. :)
My husband and I are working on having everything in place to where our son does not have to "guess" what our wishes are or feel like he has to perform any hands-on care. We do not expect that from him. Historically, both sides of our families (especially mine) have lived very independent and pretty healthy lives until one day they just pass on. We've had a few outliers over the years, with my mom being one. That's another story. You never know what is in store for your future, however, so it's best to have a plan.
Becoming parents was a choice that we gladly made and we don't expect nor want him to feel obligated to "repay" us further down the line.

We don't expect our children to care for us. Since we are both military veterans, I have told them it is OK to let the VA take care of us.

Nope. I’ve been very clear about what I do and don’t want them to do. If I get old and can’t drive and they have time to help, I’d love them to take me to dr. appts or to Walmart. But if I require any more care than that, find me a home, visit me until I don’t remember you, and DON’T feel a bit of guilt!

If I had children, I’d NEVER want them to change my diapers..& take verbal abuse ! I told my brother if I ever get dementia, take me on a cruise 🚢 & on last night of cruise, throw me overboard! 🤣

My hope is that cancer will be my swift ticket out of this world with my mind intact. I do not wish to get dementia like my mother because then I might have to resort to VSED early so that I can die and avoid being a burden on my children.

I told my kids to put me in a home and not to feel bad. Did a lot of care for parents and grandmother and don't want to burden my kids or have them feel guilty. One's time comes.

My mother moved next door as I started my family so my kids witnessed her cognitive decline and my stress, as I tried to care for her and cope with her endless demands and her denial of her own condition. She did little for her elders but insisted I owed her my life. Now that she (96) is in a care home, our household is so much more relaxed.

I have discussed dementia and physical limitations with my kids and instructed them that they are not to give up their futures (they’re all still in school) - their careers, their children, their spouses and their lives, to care for me. Sure, I have a much different personality than my own mother. (it seemed like dementia poked holes in the few filters she ever had) My kids are certain I won’t morph into a Queen Bee, and, frankly, I’m hilarious - not the type to ooze negativity. But, one never knows. Let the pros help me with daily care so my relationship with my kids can continue without fear, guilt or resentment. My husband and I are very close with our kids (although they fight with each other) and our job, as we see it, is to set an example and prepare them for adulthood. We’re trying to simplify the upkeep of our home (my rustic dream home in the woods) but we recognize it will one day be too much. That is for us to resolve bit by bit, and not a burden to be dumped on our kids.

I've never felt that my children owed me anything. Just because I brought them into the world and changed their diapers for a couple of years, that doesn't make them my indentured servants. I LOVED every minute of mothering them and never thought it was a sacrifice that had to be somehow repaid. They both (26 and 28) have been watching me (62) care for my mother (92) for years - the last 4+ in my home. I don't expect either of them to give up their lives to care for me if I should live long enough to need care. I've planned to the best of my ability to prepare financially for long term care. My kids have made it clear that they think I have given up/lost too much of my life/friends/job and they don't intend to do the "coddling" and "hands on" care for me that I'm doing for my mother, but will make sure that I am cared for. That's fine with me.

My husband and I cared for my father from 1977 until he entered a nursing home in 1980 (broken hip, never came back home), because he was blind and diabetic and alone. He couldn't live alone. It was hard, but I never regretted the decision.

In Feb. 2019, my widowed father-in-law became very ill. My husband flew to his father's Texas home, everyone fully expecting him to be taking care of funeral arrangements. My FIL recovered, but the doctors said he could no longer live alone. I flew to join my husband in Texas to care for my FIL. We thought it would be 3-6 months, at most. Here we are, three years later, still here, living in the 2nd bedroom of FIL's 2 bedroom home. His doctor has told us that if we were not here and he'd tried to live at home, he probably would have died that first year we were here. He has been diagnosed with dementia and the onset of Alzheimer's, but he is not so far "gone" that he needs -- or will agree to -- going into a Memory Care facility. We made the choice to stay here and help him stay in his home as long as possible, because all research we've read indicates that staying at their home tends to extend the elderly person's life. We don't regret the decision, even though it has been very difficult, with his memory and cognitive problems causing some real issues. We know that it is likely that eventually his care will be more than we can handle (when he is unable to bathe/dress/feed himself), and it will be time for a facility.

I would prefer that neither of our sons have to go through this, and if they do not wish to, I will understand. But, having been the caregiver, if I ever DO need care and one of them says he wants me to live with him so he can oversee my care and my affairs, I would be touched...and my prayer would be to always appreciate his time and attention, and let him handle whatever he wants to handle. I hope that if/when the time comes, I will graciously accept that there are things I am no longer able to do, and accept help. I definitely do not expect either of my sons to ever take on bathing, dressing, or feeding me. IMO, that's when it's time for Assisted Living.