How old does a teen need to be to "watch" Grandma occasionally?

I would think that at 14 and seemingly responsible young man would most certainly be able to watch her for 60-90 minutes...especially since his parents are next door, and he seems to be wanting to help. I'm not quite sure why, if his father is next door he couldn't help too. Blessings, Lindaz

TNTechie,
I love your examples of family teamwork.

When I was just out of high school, my grandfather had back surgery at the Mayo clinic in Minnesota. He was unable to safely drive back to their home in Arizona. So it was decided that it would make sense for me to fly out to Minnesota and drive my grandparents back to Arizona (Grandma didn'd drive).

I have extremely fond memories of that trip. I enjoyed the one on one time with my grandparents, and got to know them as people.

Thank you for the feedback.

I have a lot of sympathy for the people who expressed such strong negative reactions about being taken advantage of as teens or being resentful about being forced to care for family members. I will always remember your comments and take care, but your life experiences have been nothing like mine.

I was very lucky to be born into a large extended family where almost everyone was on the family "team". My mother is the oldest daughter and one of eight children. Although my father had only 2 living siblings who moved away, he had 51 first cousins and more than half remained in the local area. At the grandparent generation, almost everyone was a land owning farmer or a skilled tradesman. When someone needs help you can provide without harm, you are expected to step up.

I had very good examples and encouragement from an early age - I guess I was "groomed" to be a care giver the same way I was trained to be a homemaker or hostess.

When I was 3, Mom's back condition required bed rest and one of my aunts came to the house every day to keep the housework up. One was 16 and her brother made his car available for her transportation by arranging a ride with a coworker. My grandfather and his cousins helped a pair of maiden aunts live independently into their 90s, even when neither drove. When Grandpa realized I could pick out the groceries on my great-great aunts' list better than he could I became his shopping partner at age 8. Grandpa and I became the family's blackberry pickers that summer too. He would go into the big brier patches in his pastures with his leather gloves and boots, stomp out a place for me to stand (finding/running away any bees or snakes) and we would fill our gallon buckets; then he would carry them back and dump them into the half-bushel tubs in the car trunk. Although my mother and Grandma put up the largest portions of the berries, every aunt, great-aunt, and great-great-aunt got at least enough to make a few pies or a couple runs of jelly.

When osteoporosis began causing my grandmother significant pain walking and standing, my mother went to her house one day a week to do the washing and all the major housework. Grandpa started picking me up so I could help Grandma on grocery day. I put groceries in the cart, unloaded them for checkout, and put them away in Grandma's cabinets. Grandpa struggled to help Grandma with housework he had never done - and so I began teaching Grandpa how to keep the kitchen organized "Grandma's way". At age 16, I started grocery shopping from Grandma's list alone. For those who are concerned this took too much time away from my teenage "life" I would like to point out I was an honor roll student, member of adult and youth choirs at church, member of multiple school choirs (as pianist, vocalist & soloist), and active in JROTC and the Latin club. I also enjoyed spoiling/babysitting my young nephew and weekly dating. I was very busy, very happy, and very self-confident. The time management. poise and confidence that would be major factors in my career success started here.

A really good example of the family team in action happened a couple of years back when one of my first cousins once removed had a heart attack followed by a major stroke. Her sister sent out a email to all the other cousins once removed asking for help sitting with the cousin in the hospital 24/7. Everyone picked a time slot that worked in their schedules and our cousin was never left alone in the hospital. Later we had a schedule to feed meals in rehab, and finally visit/respite care after she was home. Some cousins drove 100+ miles to pull a whole day shift. No one was concerned who had responsibility for our cousin's care, we were just concerned that she got everything she needed to recover her life.

We are very far from perfect! My immediate family has its dysfunction, and the extended family sure has its problems too. We disagree and stop talking to each other for months or years (usually over spending money for care giving or how to keep a family home in the family). We have buried alcoholics and drug addicts. One of my cousins picked the wrong boyfriend and was murdered. But even if you haven't spoken to your sibling in a while, there's always a few cousins still talking to both of you.

I think it's a very good idea! I started babysitting when I was 11 years old and I learned all about responsibility.. When it came to my Grandparents I loved spending time with them and hearing their stories about how they grew up or whatever they wanted to share with me.

That said I think it's good for a 14 year old to experience life with his grandmother instead of being glued to a computer or games as most teens are these days...

Techie, I think that an established relationship provides more leeway with what is appropriate and acceptable.

You are obviously well versed in all the "what if's" so it will be fun for all involved to see your great-nephew bloom with this kind of trust and responsibility.

Your family is blessed to have you, sounds as though you have been the backbone. Thank you for clarifying and expanding the information for the question, it makes it easier to give informed opinions.

Have a good evening!

I disagree with tacy022. There are many benefits of a young person and an older person being together -they have a chance to learn so much from one another and it sounds like they are enjoying it. Especially with family very close for possible issues; and I'm sure there would be cellphone communication at the ready for any problems as well. It is just for a short time, not an 8 hour day. Now if the young man absolutely does not have that gentle, patient caregiver attitude and does not want to do it, that is different. But if he enjoys this experience, that is something he will carry through his life and be able to build upon. Maybe he will decide to go into one of the healthcare fields.

I wanted to add given the situation that he has family right next door to  Grandma, I think it should work out. My own daughter started to cook meals for her family of 3 and also started earning a good wage by babysitting jobs (her clients paid her extremely well, had her a pizza delivery on the way and I was right across the street if she needed me at the age of 13).

Techie, I really don't have an opinion one way or the other. You know your family members best.

We have a neighbor whose son just got out of rehab for the FOURTH time, he's only 17. He became hooked on narcotics at 13, he snuck his GMA's pain pills. He's now a heroine addict.

This boy popped in my head when I read your post. That's why I mentioned it.

What I did want to say is, you're an awesome aunt and great-aunt!
I get so used to hearing about selfish, self centered family members. So when I hear about a sister, daughter, aunt, and great aunt being so involved with her family, I just have to take a second to give a thumbs up👍What a gift you are to those around you 💞🌹

When I was about his age I was hired as a "grandma-sitter". All I had to do was hang out with a lovely older woman and watch Lawrence Welk with her. She didn't have the health problems your Mom has, but then again I wasn't next door to immediate help.

I think it is fine to ask her grandson to help. You might consider paying him, as you would a babysitter. That way you are respecting his time. My parents did them same for me when I would "babysit" my younger siblings on date nights.

Make sure he knows what to do in an emergency!!

It should be short term only.

Isthisrealyreal, my grand-nephew and his little brother were living with me when my mother moved in. He continued living with me for a little over 2 years after Mom joined the household before he was ready to move back to his dad's home. He still comes by my house for "visits" every couple of days, when he wants a meal or help with some project, makes sure I have all his practice and game schedules, asks me if I'm going to his games, calls me when he needs a ride somewhere, and shows up to cool off when he has a problem with his stepmother or stepbrother.

He has had a relationship with his great-grandmother since he was 8 weeks old because Mom and I provided weekend "couple time" babysitting to my nephews when they started their families.

I can remember going to my grandparents house on weekends to sit and help when I was 14. I actually stayed weekends with my grandfather when my grandmother went out of town.I never considered it a burden. I thought it was fun. i loved my grandfather and was glad to be around. My grandfather could not see and needed help with simple meal prep and simple chores and someone around in case of emergency

Techie, did this young man live with his Great-grandma when he lived with you? I am having a little trouble picking that up. My point is with that question, he has a relationship with her if he has lived with her, so that is different, IMO, he knows her enough to see if something is wrong.

Tacy, I think for short stays it is okay to have a teenager sit with grandma, I don't think he is expected to do anything a young man living in the house wouldn't be expected to do. All members of the household benefit from the care and concern of one another. I think if the g-gma doesn't have any dementia and only needs a person there that can summons help it would be a good thing for him and her. 

Yes, kids have a whole host of issues, but everyone you pointed out is about the kid, they do need to look outwards and not internalize all the crap. That will help them deal with all those issues. I helped at 10 years old with my granny and after that, boy if I saw bullying taking places I was up in the middle of it, calling the bully out. You know that bullies are all just cowards and when one person stands up to them, they tend to back off the bullying, especially if a 110lb girl puts their lights out for bullying someone with a disability.

Both sides of the fence on this post, I do however think there should be some type of compensation, even hamburger helper. Thank yous go a very long way to teaching a person about gratitude.

Techie, let us know how it works out.

TNtechie - you said you would not pay him for visiting his great gma. I totally agree. A visit to me means he comes at his own free will, stays as long or short as he wants, and leaves at a time of his own choosing.

A visit does not mean he comes when you want, does what you want and leaves when you want. That kind of visit to me is considered employment. I used to visit my boss's company everyday and he paid me for my visits.

I think a 14 year old children is not emotionaly prepared to handle some situations. In my case I have two daughters, 12 and 13 years old, and I have always felt afraid of leaving them with my parents (my parents are in their late eighties, dad has moderate dementia, mother has cancer, disphagia, heart issues, etc). I cannot imagine how traumatic It could be If they are alone with my parents and they have a severe health emergency right at that moment, mayby a heart attack, for example. I could not forgive myself If that happens.

I started taking care of my grandma when I was 17 almost 18 she had deminica. As well as being incontent so I had to change diapers daily modern the nurses who bathed her and all her other care my late mother and I did.

My sister & I would stay with my grandfather when we were 10 & 11 - he was in a wheelchair & used a urinal so we would just leave the room when he needed to use it - I would empty it - we never would question it because we are all family

I think your great-nephew sounds like a great kid - it never hurts for kids at that age to know how much you trust him & that he is part of the team/family helping his great-grandmother

When my kids were small their aunt was in a wheelchair & when I rearranged the living room my then 8 year old's first question was 'will Aunt Pat's wheelchair still go through the door to the kitchen?' - being even a bit involved with people with disabled issues as a kid makes for adults who are very accepting others' diabilities

My mother-in-law was at our house for most of her last year, dying of lung cancer. (Her mind was in good shape.) She was basically bedridden for about half this time. I had three kids, 12, 14,16. They were very good about fetching and carrying for her, and learned to give her the breathing treatments. We also had a day care lady for her. There were a few times that we could leave her with them for short periods, and I don't recall any problems. They were very good about it; (they knew her well; they had stayed at her place for a few days off and on growing up. I think it was a positive experience for them. They learned about ner home culture, and still cook "old country" occasionally. They learned things that some of their cousins didn't, and have good memories.

When I was a teenager, I was asked to spend time with my much-loved neighbor’s elderly mom. It involved Saturday afternoon to Sunday morning. Mrs. Smith was in her 80’s and her only issue was glaucoma. Mrs. Smith was from England and as a young woman, worked as a ticket taker in the Dress Circle of a London theatre. The stories she told were absolutely fascinating. I was enthralled and came to think of her as another grandma. She would get up before I did and make me toast and Juice for breakfast. My parents were next door and available in case of an emergency.

I was compensated by both my neighbor and her mother. I did no personal care for Mrs. Smith. I believe I was 14 or 15.

It’s a fond memory for me, but Mrs. Smith has no mental or physical limitations other than her eyesight. If you are determined to have your grand-nephew watch Grandma and have it all thought and planned out as you seem to have, give it a trial run. I agree with no more than an hour or so. Movies nowadays run upwards of 2 hours plus travel time and maybe a meal stop. Too long. Who knows. Nephew may decide that caregiving is something he wants to do as a career.

I will also be contrary as well.

When I was 13...I turn 60 on 7/16...my grandmother became unable to take care of herself. My uncle, who was temporarily bedridden because of a car accident and his two children, ages 7 and 9 lived there also. I w as expected not only to care for my grandma, but to get these children dinner, to bed then up fed and dressed the next morning for school. I did this for 6 months before my mom and 6 siblings were forced to take over. I was so bitter and angry over it, that I would barely go see my grandma....who I loved dearly...before she died. I was the only one she always knew at the end. I would just caution you not to ask too much of your great nephew. Occasional is great and teaches responsibility...just don’t overburden. My mom is 90 and my aunt is 103 and I’ve been responsible for them 24/7 for close to a year. I will always take care of them...but I must say I can’t get that difficult time as a child out of my mind.....

IMO, it seems appropriate to ask him to sit w Grandma for a brief time on occasion. Every day seems too much to me. Two hours seems way to much to me. My grandson is also 13. 10 minutes seems max.

Techie, thanks for that thorough explanation. I think you've already addressed issues in your initial post before they were raised here, but the clarification helps. It's clear you've thought through a variety of scenarios that could occur.

I spent a good deal of time with both my grandmothers as they aged. I considered it a great PRIVILEGE to be able to help with them. They also needed very little in the way of "care" and being taught at an early age that the world does not turn on its axis around you...well, that's a lifelong lesson.

I am in the camp of saying IF he is completely OK with it, and IF there is an adult close by, this could become a very powerful growing experience for him.

IMHO, kids these days HAVE way too much and GIVE waaaaaay too little.

Just make sure he never feels resentful or obligated. I was NEVER paid for my care, and wouldn't have taken money for it anyways. That part is your call.

Addressing some of the points raised - sorry it's so long but there were so many good issues raised!

I have absolutely no intention of _ever_ asking my grand-nephew to be a direct care giver at any time. Before her recent fall, my mother performed all ADLs independently. While recovering from the rotor cuff tear, she has limited use of her left arm and needs minimal assistance with a couple ADLs which I am providing as needed. She needs a lot less help now than she did 15 years ago following the original rotor cuff repair surgery. Not using her left arm has also degraded her usually good balance a bit. My grand-nephew volunteered to remain in the house watching the movie he came to view and offer my mother minimal assistance getting up from her chair while I got some groceries. If my mother fell or had any problem at all, he was to call or go get his father or stepmother from next door. If my mother requires ADL assistance while I am out of the home on an errand, the stepmother would provide it. I called and confirmed the father and stepmother would be available while I was away.

I plan to _ask_ for occasional "watching over" help with my mother when/if the day comes my mother is feeble (mentally or physically) enough I don't want to leave her alone on a _mutually_ agreed timing - never would even consider asking him to miss any practice/game/movie/dance/date. I envisioned this might come into play when he was 16 or so. Mom's recent fall pushed the date up at least a couple of years while she recovers from this fall - hence my question. When he has a license I may ask him to take my vehicle and pick up stuff or do shopping for me, much like my mother asked me when I was 16 and wanted to drive her car. I will pay him for being my personal shopper. I will never pay him for visiting his great-grandmother. If there ever comes a day when we need to hire caregivers for my mother and my _adult_ grand-nephew wants to be one of those regular scheduled caregivers, then I will pay him.

I was already considering moving from a home located near my parents (where I supported my mother's care of my father with vascular dementia) to a home closer to my nephew because his sons were living with me and not spending time daily with their father. The boys didn't want their dad picking them up after work (particularly in the summer) because from their point of view watching their dad eat supper and the evening news wasn't very exciting. About this time my dad's dementia worsen to a point he needed 24/7 care and my mother had cataract surgery followed by an immediate increase in her memory issues and a recommendation from her PCP that she shouldn't be my dad's primary caregiver anymore because the stress was damaging her health. The primary driving factor for my move was to get the boys close enough to their dad that they would see each other daily and develop a deeper emotional bond - even if the boys continued living in my house. The secondary factor was a house better suited for someone with potential dementia (at the time I didn't know where mom's memory problems might lead). The final factor was that being closer to my nephew and brother's homes would make it easier for them (and the boys when they are older) to help me take care of my mother. I moved and my mother moved in 5 months later.

There is no legal issue leaving my 13 year old nephew alone in a house with his legally competent 86 year old great-grandmother, particularly when his sole custodial parent is next door. In Tennessee a child can be left alone in the home at age 12 for up to 12 hours while babysitting relatives 8 and older. At 14, which he will be in 6 weeks, my grand-nephew can legally babysit non-related children and disabled adults on his own.

My mother is legally competent, ambulatory, has her own panic/help button for the monitored security system and a Great Call cell phone. Mom has MCI (last test was 24 of 30) with short term memory problems - no dementia. She has had an increased fall risk due to spinal stenosis impairing nerve function in her lower legs and feet for over 40 years. There are grab bars installed by the entrance door and in her bedroom and bath. There are memory reminders of phone numbers and our address posted in her bedroom, kitchen, and great room.

Mom's short term memory problems mean it takes her longer to learn something new or adjust to something new. Before the short term memory problems, Mom learned to program a VCR or DVR in one or two demonstrations. To become completely comfortable using the lift assist chair control following her fall took about 4 days. For about 3-4 days she also would forget her arm was injured and try to use it. While she was adjusting I didn't think she should be left alone. After 10 days, she recovered near normal balance and adjusted to having limited use of her arm - so she's back to taking her daily walks and being alone in the house when I'm at the office or shopping (except for the great-grandkids and their friends that come and go).

Because of the kids (grands and their friends ages 2-15) that come through my house more or less regularly, all prescription and many over the counter medications are locked up - even my mom's weekly medication box (she has a lock box in her bedroom for her meds and purse). What's not locked up (aspirin, ibuprofen) has child resistant lids and is stored in upper level cabinets covered by security cameras in the great room and kitchen areas (installed so I can check on Mom when I'm working).

He is 13. Watching an elderly person with dementia who is a fall risk is much more difficult than babysitting.

This is the summer and he's not in school. What about when he has after school activities, and when he has a lot of homework, or if he wants to have time with his friends?

He sounds like a really good kid, and that he would not say no even if he does not feel comfortable with it. I have to admit that I'm with those who find it somewhat troubling that you moved there partly to enlist this child, and he is a child, in caregiving.

It only progresses and escalates, and as her condition deteriorates, he will be starting high school. He'll need good grades for college.

IF it remains as a very occasional short shift, and I'd say no more than an hour to 90 minutes maximum, I'd say OK, but make sure that you don't fall into using him for your weekly grocery trip or if you want to get your hair done or whatnot. And I think he should be paid, if not the going rate for aides, at least that for babysitters.

Think about what would happen if you're delayed and she asks him to do the hands on. He sounds like the kind of kid who would do it and say he's ok with it, even though he wouldn't be.

I'd suggest looking into getting more paid help for yourself. Sorry if this sounds harsh -- I'm not saying never, just set firm limits on what he will do from the start. Write it down. And make sure he never does more than that, even if he offers. My guess is a maximum of once every other week for 90 minutes, and plan it in advance.

Sounds like it would be good for him and good for her as well. btw - don't expect quick healing re her shoulder to allow her to push up with that arm for quite a while. Perhaps they can find an activity of interest to both of them to share as well - old photo albums for short period of time, playing game of cards, etc.

I believe children are way too coddled in this country. In other countries young children help look after their siblings and elders on a regular basis. Sometimes they are too young but I see nothing wrong with instilling a sense of family responsability. Obviously it depends on the young adults age, coping abilities ect., but if he is willing and able for a short period of time, it could be a great learning situation for empathy, patience, compassion, giving of ones self, it can build independence and confidence

My daughters are 15, 17, and 19. They are very helpful with their grandfather even though he doesnt appreciate them. When I need them to, they make his breakfast give him his medication..etc. Whats most important is that they are there so he isnt in the house alone and they keep an eye on the Home Health Aides that come into our home.

I bought a Trend security camera from Walmart for $59. I'm not advertising, just stating after a few other cheapies, this is a winner. Its in real time, which means while I am shopping I can see my mother in her room, lights on or off, talk to her and can comfortably leave home. it can be download on a cell as long as you have enough memory. I would suggest this for both you and your great nephew so he can have an eye on gma without having to just be there. Its great and I love it...Falling is a big issue at her age. How does she get up to use the bathroom. If she has on depends, aren't you worried of bed sores with too much urine on her backside. I have a portable comode next to my mother's bed where she can stand and pivot. Does she have a hospital bed? Her doctor can approve all sorts of medical needs and insurance will pay for it. Good Luck.