Mom’s dementia is getting worse. She believes that her husband who passed away three years ago somehow came back to life and bought a house nearby. She doesn’t understand why he doesn’t want to be with her. Now she is accusing her caregiver of having an ongoing affair with him. She is obsessed with both of these things. If she’s not talking about it, you can tell she thinking about it. We just go along with her about her husband being alive, because it upsets and confuses her if we say he’s died. However, we really want to keep this caregiver and cannot bring ourselves to go along with this delusion. However, Mom gets upset when we tell her that the caregiver loves her and would never do that to her. Sometimes Mom will say that the caregiver admitted to it. Other times she will say that the caregiver denied it but is lying. Any attempt at logic doesn’t work. Not sure how to get her past this.
Yesterday she held a conversation with my brother speaking to him as if he was her husband. Should my brother try to get her to understand he is not her husband or just let her go on?
The delusions are very hard. My mom had them too about her parents and a very long deceased sister. The best way that mom was able to deal with it was if she was told they were on vacation, too late to call, anything that I thought would work in her broken brain.
Mom, too, got very agitated when I tried to reason with her or correct her. Each time was as if she had heard of the deaths the first time. I was only dumb enough to try this a couple of time.
Go along with mom. Do not try to reason with her and do not correct her.
If this is new behavior have mom checked for a UTI. It’s amazing how a urinary tract infection can affect the brain.
Remember mom really believes what she is saying and is trying to make sense of what her brain is telling her. It will do no good to tell her that her thinking is wrong but if she has a UTI an antibiotic can make everything better. If she doesn’t then remember that this is where she is now. It will change to something else.
mom....I think Susie is sleeping with my husband.
you....That must be very stressful. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Would you like to color with me?
Help me eat cookies?
watch our favorite movie?
Feed the dog?
Sing jingle bells?
Fold these dish towels?
So acknowledge her present reality and then divert her attention with an appropriate activity or thought.
No need to tell her that hubby is dead. Why have her feel sadness and grief over and over again? Weird how she is fixated on the caregiver having an affair with him. Hopefully the caregiver is knowledgeable in how to gracefully deal with this unfounded accusation. Somehow to gently deflect it and move on to something else.
Your brother should not bother to correct her for thinking she is her husband. It must feel weird to him, but he just needs to play along. Correcting her will help no one.
You're right that no attempt at logic will work. "Oh, that's not very nice. Time for lunch." "Oh, that's interesting. What do you want to watch on TV?" Not saying these are great lines to use but respond and move on.
If she is getting really agitated and hard to take care of, you could consider talking to her doctor and maybe finding something to make her calmer. She can't be very happy in this place she is stuck in right now.