How should I respond to the hoarding?

Who drives them places? Do they get proper medical care? If they have an involved PCP ask that person to arrange for a social worker/case manager to start home visits. The presumption is that they will need to know what arrangements should be made to stay in their home safely. The social worker can also involve services for the aged and the health department as needed. That person can also assess objectively if Dad is at risk from Mom's behavior. Do you have POA? If not, your first job is to try to get DPOA. If you can't, then you are an observer only while this ship sinks. It is hard to watch but not your fault.

I bet if you got a couple very tall, gentle, handsome, sweet young (disaster clean-up specialists) men in suits in there, bringing very good pizza (or pasta or baked chicken and beans), and cherry pie and apple pie, and situating it on a portable table with plates, silverware, napkins & glass-bottled water in front of her and mr. up in comfortable chairs/tv trays, they will wrap your mom around their finger. Tell them to lie and say the neighbors reported a rat, so they have to clean out in order to find the rat. If she balks, they can say, "We aren't using up any of your time because you need to sit down and eat dinner anyway, and look at all that food!" Be sure they bring 4 sacks of appropriate groceries for her, as well, since she will intuitively know they are going to throw food out. Perhaps they can have a crew "underneath" them waiting in a truck outside (a very nice, clean, new, big truck - impressions matter). Your mom will know it's a lie and right at that point if she gives in because of their charm & simplicity, then you'll know it's going to work, a done deal. If she doesn't give in to the lie, then they can back out before they start. If she asks where they are from, they should just lie and say they are from the city/county.

From that point on, do your mom a favor and go to the food bank on her behalf. It's not right that she should be the primary care giver and also have to do food banking. Food banking is very unpleasant, hot, cold, heavy, tiresome, straining, inconvenient, and time-consuming. Can't you get her on food stamps or meals on wheels? The food bank is not meant to be a way of life if other more practical options are available. Is it possible to take them out to eat once a week, or have a dinner sent over? When an old lady goes to the food bank a lot, she loses perspective on what normal is, and the physical strain makes her mind weary and addled.

Newmilton: Perhaps you should contact APS as the hoarding could be deemed a FIRE hazard. If there was a fire in the home, EMS and the fire department need to be able to ENTER rooms and if they cannot, it could end badly.

How about quietly taking photos of the conditions and contacting a social worker? Do not tell the affected hoarder to avoid extreme conflict!

I saw this and it might help people:

[depending on your mother, you might want to go through this list with her; to enlist her support to move forward.]

10 quick safety solutions for bathroom, bedroom, and kitchen:
Safety Problem Safe Solutions

1 Is the path to the bathroom clear and unobstructed?
Remove any clutter or decorative items along that path.

2 Is there automatic night lighting near the bed and from the bed to the bathroom?Get simple, inexpensive plug-in night lights that automatically turn on when the area is dim.
Here are three options:
Amazon #1 Night Light, $11 for two / CVS, $7 for two / Home Depot, $6 for four

3 Are there properly installed grab bars and toilet safety add-ons?
No-installation neededSee our article on bathroom safety items, including grab bars. - - - - Installation required: For difficult locations without convenient wall studs, consider this new mount-anywhere system for grab bars that install easily and support 300 pounds.
Options from Home Depot (but avoid anything suction-based!)

Expert Tip: Check ADA recommended grab bar placement and installation tips.

4 Are there slippery bath mats outside tubs or showers?

Remove all traditional bath mats or rugs. Those are very dangerous.
To soak up water after a shower or bath, try a low-profile, non-slip kitchen mat. There are plenty of options; google "Safe Bath Mats."

5 Are tubs or shower floors non-slip?

This non-slip spray treatment is highly rated and works better than stick-on products which will eventually come off.Permanent stick-on non-slip strips are better than removable suction mats. After a while, mats get mildew-y and slippery.

Expert Tip: Make sure the tub or shower floor surface is clean and dry before applying any anti-slip stuff.

6 Is there an adjustable hand-held shower head?

These convenient shower heads let your senior have the option to sit safely while showering. They’re also quick and easy to install.Here are some options from Home Depot.

7 Is there a shower bench or chair?

No installation needed!Here are three options from Home Depot:

8 In the bedroom, can they reach items in the closet and drawers easily?

Move frequently-worn clothing to places where it’s easiest to access. Avoid putting things on high shelves, the closet floor, or in drawers that are hard to open.Expert Tip: Cleaning out unworn clothes (or putting them in a storage area) helps create more space for easier access.

9 In the kitchen, are often-used items within easy reach?

Move frequently-used items down from high shelves and up from low shelves. Put them within easy arm’s reach.Expert Tip: This is a good time to get rid of some kitchen clutter too!

10 If your older adult can safely use one, is there a safe step stool with a handrail available?

Here are two options:2-Step Stool w/ Handle, Home Depot, $20
Single-Step Stool with Tall Handle, Amazon, $35

BOTTOM LINE: These 10 safety updates are quick and simple. Many don’t even require any tools or installation.

You will encounter resistance; elder may insist that they can and will take care of these items themselves. They cannot. It isn't safe - and hoarders do not want to do this.

Even if you have to insist on doing it for them (or do it secretly as a “surprise”), making these fixes is a wise move than can prevent terrible accidents.

In time the recipient will be relieved to have these things done, but likely have a few words ... let their feelings known in the moment when it is happening. Hoarders do not want their way of living changed. This is the nature of the disease. You must do it anyway.

I know it's really distressing, but not sure if Adult Protective Services will even (CAN even) do anything. You can try, but generally they will respond that "people can live any way they want". If you phrase it that you are concerned for your dad's health, maybe they might....it's worth a try at any rate.

My stepmother (78) and dad (87) both passed within the last year....both were hoarders. It was horrible...they lived in a trailer with a side room that ran the length of the place and they basically had only a couple small trails through part of the trailer...couldn't get in their bedroom AT ALL (not even a foot) or the vast majority of the side room. Couldn't use their shower (didn't want to either). Months old rotting food in the refrigerator, which I DID toss. Until she passed, I couldn't do anything. After she passed, he wanted me to get rid of most of her stuff, so I was able to clean their bedroom, side room and shower area (he still wouldn't use it). My dad's hoarding was mainly outside...vehicles, sheds and trailers crammed with damp, rusting, decomposing things (they lived near the ocean where it is very humid)...THAT is a whole 'nother story....

I'm facing the same hoarding issue with my mom (86). My mom and dad divorced 50 years ago. The hording is not as bad...yet...but she's 86 and keeps saying (as she has for the past 30 years) that she is "getting rid of things". Two boxes a month out of a 4-bedroom house isn't "getting rid of things"...especially as she keeps bringing at least that much in. Won't let me help her clean, and now has macular degeneration in one eye. Once she gets it in the other eye, I'm not going to give her any more options. She can't stay living there by herself if she can't see and could trip and lay there with no one knowing. I have promissary notes and deeds of trust on her house from all the money I've lent her through the years because she didn't save for retirement (a whole other story in itself how much money I've spent on her behalf in the last 30 years), and I wasn't going to call the notes and force a sale (which I legally can), but I will threaten to do so at that point, for her own good. She might even have to move in with us, which I'm not looking forward to, but how could she live alone at that point? Selling her house would not provide money for her to go into a home, because the vast majority of the money (due to the promissary notes from expenditures on her behalf) would be coming to me, not her.

There comes a time where you just have to put your foot down...but not sure if you can at this juncture. Good luck. There are no easy answers.

Take notes, not in essay form. In a notebook for the doctor and APS.
Observe behaviors. Take photos.

For example:
Started collecting clean jars from jam. Date.
Household has no room for any collections.

Cleared hallway to provide a safe & clear walkway.
Not allowed to put a n y t h i n g in the hallway.
Under threat of death.

Strangely piles up plastic tubs to organize.
Puts smaller ones precariously on the bottom.
Falls over when anyone walks by.

Seeks out spoiled food in lieu of fresh food, holding to first in, first out excuse.
Sneak behind person's back to discard and replace identical foods.

Use the rule (for hoarders): Do not bring anything into the house unless you remove, donate, or throw away 2 items, at the same time.

One poster had complained of used Kleenex everywhere, and it was thrown on the floor. I have thought the reason was anger and disrespect, even punishment towards the caregiver. Observe.

All this won't solve the problem, but something may come of it with enough information.

This is such a sad situation. It’s incredibly sad and unsafe for them and it’s sad for you to witness.

My godmother had macular degeneration. Unfortunately, she lost her vision from it. I’m sorry to hear about your dad’s loss of vision.

Your mom sounds stressed out from caring for your dad. Sadly, burned out caregivers aren’t able to give the best care. They need to step aside and accept help from others.

The situation with the hoarding makes it impossible for anyone to help them. Your mom may have started off with having ‘extra stuff’ like many people do. It probably progressed into a ‘control issue.’ It’s something that she did to comfort herself. I can only imagine how frustrating that this is for you!

Best wishes in getting this sorted out. It’s complicated and takes time to deal with. Your parents need professional help.

You may need to be the one to call Social Services. Their current conditions and your mother's mindset is not "keeping them safe."

A Geriatric Psychiatrist can evaluate your mom and put her on appropriate medications and, hopefully, refer her to a hoarding therapist: just Google,"Hoarding Therapist," to learn more.

Senior Services:
https://lacounty.gov/residents/seniors-older-adults/health-wellness/

Of course hoarder doesn't want to clear out the home / area. This is why they are considered hoarders! Read this website and parts written below:

https://dailycaring.com/how-to-help-seniors-who-are-hoarders/

Hoarding health risks and dangers
Hoarding results in serious side effects for older adults, including:
Preventing emergency care – firefighters or emergency medical technicians (EMTs) may not be able to get through the house to reach them
Causing physical danger – increased risk of falls or not being able to move around due to the extreme clutter
Refusing home help – won’t allow anyone into their home (usually due to embarrassment or fear of their stuff being disturbed), this negatively affects their nutrition, hygiene, and medication
Producing unsanitary conditions – spoiled food leads to pests and foodborne illness

Creating fire hazards – piles of old papers, newspapers, or magazines can easily go up in flames
 
What causes the hoarding behavior?

Right now, the cause of hoarding isn’t clear. Doctors and psychologists think that hoarding could be a sign that someone has dementia, other cognitive disorders, or a mental illness like OCD, depression, or anxiety. Other triggers include living alone for long periods of time without social interaction, lack of cognitive stimulation, or a traumatic event.

Another possibility is something called Diogenes syndrome, which can be brought on by dementia or frontal lobe impairment. Someone with this syndrome shows extreme self-neglect, domestic squalor, social withdrawal, apathy, compulsive hoarding of trash, and lack of shame.
 
1. Visit the doctor - Because hoarding is connected to health conditions or mental health issues, it’s likely that your older adult will need professional help. Having their doctor do a full evaluation will help figure out if the behavior is caused by dementia or other medical conditions.
- - - - - - - - - -
As someone here said: "It seems pretty evident that you know exactly what you need to do you just need the courage to do it."

I'm flummoxed and missing some pieces to this puzzle. It is courage or something deeper.

Your comment: "Mom is his caretaker and adamantly refuses to hire any kind of help" - Her response doesn't matter (unless you are not legally allowed to take control of this situation). You might need a court order - ?

IMPORTANT:

If they / she will not allow you (and/or others) to clear the home for safety, stop visiting, stop helping (only in the areas 'they' allow). Your mother is running circles around you and YOU allow it by helping them on their (her) terms.

You are a co-dependent. Not good. Not healthy. Not safe.

IMPORTANT: If you stop helping with driving, etc., your mother (MAY / ) will know you mean business: Make a plan with her to clear out XXX and she either agrees to it or you stop helping as you are.

At this point, she has absolutely NO incentive to change.

And yes, this will be difficult for you. Know you are doing it for them. If they refuse your help/support for their well-being, and you have no legal recourse, that is the sad reality.

Are you the POA? - Find out what your responsibilities are for the safety / welfare of your parents. If you have the legal authority to get in there and clear it out FOR THEIR SAFETY, make plans and do it. Get a court order if necessary, which would likely require a MD to determine your mother incompetent (I don't know. Do your research).

Gena / Touch Matters

It seems pretty evident that you know exactly what you need to do you just need the courage to do it.

You don’t wanna hurt your relationships…. so let me ask you, if they were 20 and 25 would they be acting like this? 40 and 45? 60 and 65? As hard as it is to hear this, and I say this with compassion and caring, your parents aren’t the same people they were if they’re willing to live like this now.

Your dad doesn’t have a lot of choice but your mother is having a problem and you need to step up put your big girl britches on and start taking care of them the right way.

Do we let our children do the things they want to do when we know they’re not right? Do we compassionately and lovingly correct them and don’t allow them to do those things? Yes we do and they get mad but we accept it in stride because we know we’re doing the right thing for them. It’s no different here. we support you but you gotta Listen to the other advice you are getting here; it’s all good.

Take care and get face-to-face in a support group if you can they’re very supportive too. Hugs.

I had a similar situation with my mother. The hoarding started 10 or 15 years ago. She ordered stuff from QVC and HSN--huge amounts. Multiples of items. Her house became filled up with boxes she never opened, and opened boxes with stuff spilled out, empty boxes and packaging everywhere. She also had a few stores in town she'd go to where she'd spend hundreds of dollars and then just leave the purchases in her car trunk, or dump them somewhere in the house. It got so you could hardly get in the front door, and every room was filled with a mountain of brand new, sometimes expensive items.

As a family we were very concerned and tried to stage a couple of "interventions" but nothing seemed to get through to her. We worried about her financial situation. She was not rich, living off social security and my dad's pension. It later turned out that she had taken out a reverse mortgage on the house and spent it all. But that is a whole other, very sad, story for our family.

My mom seemed very depressed during all this and would spend all day and night lying in her chair surrounded by mountains of junk. I finally had a sort of epiphany one day. I was convinced that she was in trouble and needed help, but in my mind she would never start to get better while living in that house with all that junk. It had to be dealt with.

So I started cleaning it up. I had to promise her not to get rid of anything, but she pretty much left me to it otherwise. Sometimes I tried to involve her by unpacking purchases and looking at them with her and we had some nice mother-daughter times. I started small, with just one room (it is a large house) and organized and moved stuff until that room was clear. I went room by room, moving stuff around like one of those car parking games. I had her purchase a (second) shed and once I had that, I had a place to put everything to get it out of the house.

Long story short, working nights and weekends, in about a year I got the house back to normal. I felt enormous relief and a sense of accomplishment mixed with a huge amount of anger at what she had done, how much money she had spent and her obliviousness to what she had done. I now believe that this hoarding was a precursor to her dementia. A few years later she was diagnosed with dementia, probably vascular caused by her out of control diabetes. And then 5 years ago I moved in with her to take care of her.

And here I am, able to live here because I cleaned it up myself years ago. But still hanging over me are the masses of stuff outside in the garage and 2 large sheds. We've purged some of it over time, but it's a huge task and one I don't have energy for anymore with all my caregiving duties. I dread the day Mom either passes away or has to move to a NH, for that is when the reverse mortgage comes due, and everything must be dealt with.

My mom , who is now 92 , hoarded her whole life. My father would throw everything out and their house was livable. After dad died the hoarding picked up massively . It wasn’t as bad as not being able to walk into a room but when it came time to move my mom with me , I found a whole attic of “stuff “ I had to clean out that took me a whole year to do since I am an only child . Now mom isn’t driving so the hoarding is comprised of napkins , toilet paper and wrappers …. I trust once mom stops driving it will die down., she then won’t be able to gather more stuff to hoard . You just have to take a bag or two of stuff every time you go over and when she’s not looking putting them in your trunk to go and dump. Day by day , bag by bag you can decrease the clutter . But be careful to not let her notice she will go ballistic, all has to be done undercover for her not to notice . Good luck !

There are no easy answers to this problem. My 92-year-old father-in-law lives in assisted living and is a compulsive catalog shopper. The facility requires him to keep a clear path for getting around safely with his walker, but his 2-bedroom apartment has a growing collection of cardboard boxes and cheap, unneeded junk piled in various nooks and crannies as purchases arrive and he has no place to put it all. He will not relinquish his credit card, but his cognitive skills are declining rapidly and he probably won't be able to remember how to place orders soon enough. My husband is not ready to stop the insanity by seeking legal guardianship because it would ruin his relationship with his controlling father. What a weird and sad way to live his final years.

Hello Newmilton, first off my heart goes out to you. I leaned on this forum a lot when I needed the help but have rarely replied since, maybe because it brings back bad memories of what I went through. Your situation sounds a lot like mine previously and I wanted to help. In a nutshell, what helped me most is hiring a geriatric care manager. Start at this link. https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/what-geriatric-care-manager

The person I hired probably saved my own life by helping to share the stress. I didn’t realize this at the time but I needed the support (mentally more than anything) to get through the tough decisions. My Mom is now in a nursing home with severe dementia. Not the the life I wanted for her as she aged but the key is that she is safe and always looked after.

I could share many more details so please feel free to reach out. I’m happy to help you the best I can. Tackling this alone is not the answer. You need a team (at least a teammate) and for me that was my geriatric care manager.

Good luck! It won’t be easy but you will get through this!

My instinctual take on your mom's hoarding is that she is 'pre-grieving', facing a coming loss as your father declines toward passing away. She seems to be trying to shore up what she can see and touch, so I agree that this is a 'crutch' but also a symbol of trying desperately to 'hold on'. I had a friend with rabid hoarding impulses to the point neither she nor her husband could even sit down anywhere in their own home except a dining room chair, after somebody moved the 'stuff' off the chair; from an eagle's eye perspective it was heartbreakingly obvious this friend felt 'empty' inside; in art history there's a term for filling up every possible space: 'horror vacui'...fear of having or leaving empty space. Of course this prevents anything truly 'new' coming in: too scary, instead of a sense of 'possibility' (future.) My friend would hire me now and then to help tackle her hoard; I witnessed her lift a box of 'stuff' as if to relocate it to then only turn around and Set It Back Down Behind Her, literally Blocking Her Own Path! Your mom's excuse that she can't clean/organize/simplify is due to caring for husband is a dodge, showing on some level she has no sense of identity beyond wife/caregiver. It's heartbreaking, but hopefully she can get the support she needs to be 'there' for both your father and herself; their relationship has changed, her husband is now a 'dependent', she will need a more solid sense of self if your father dies before her. All the Best.

Can you get your sibling in to help you do a tiny intervention? If you can at least clean out the kitchen which is a terrible health hazard and breeding ground for roaches and mice, it would be a good start. You and sibling must be a united front. That said, Hoarding is a coping mechanism that needs professional expertise. It may not be addressed until there is an emergency health situation that forces a change. I’m sending you a big virtual hug because I can feel your sadness and helplessness - most important to try to take care of yourself as best as you can.

My in-laws hoarded but different things. My FIL never threw away an important paper and had taxes and other papers going back to the 1960s. My MIL likes to shop and had cleaning products, the same outfit in a rainbow of colors, more shoes than Imelda Marcos, a bedstead still in its box, and boxes full of curtains, clothes and sun dries piled to the ceiling throughout the house. The light bulbs burned out in light fixtures and were not replaced. The corridors were tightly packed with narrow aisles. The floors were covered with dog feces and urine and the kitchen was disgusting. One toilet didn’t work and the other was unstable.

My FIL fell in the hallway & couldn’t get up. It took my MIL a couple of days to call 911 since it was difficult to reach the only working phone. My husband only found out through his cousin that this happened and left immediately to help. He couldn’t stay in the house because it was so bad.

After FIL passed, MIL remained in the home which was a bad idea. She has bipolar, is the hoarder the beginnings of dementia and has delusions and hallucinations and a dog that isn’t house trained. She refused to demonstrate that she could drive. She drove for the first time in 2 years after we left & got lost. It took 4 hours for her to find her way home.

DH’s cousin would grocery shop for her. She would call the police saying people were trying to break into the house to rape her or steal her dog. The police were called so frequently that she would have been taken in for a mental evaluation if not moved to assisted living.

Now in assisted living, she feels that she was railroaded into the facility without her consent. She wanted to live with us. MIl refused to hear that she was not welcome to live in our house with her dog. Try he dog would have to go. She is unwilling to give it up.

Once she moved out of her house, and since DH has POA, I cleaned up her house, arranged to have the yard maintained over the summer, made a list of what needed to be done that I couldn’t do and provided the list to my husband as well as a good source for the solution. I also gave a timeframe I wanted it completed, because I never wanted to go back there again.

The house sold in December 2021. DH was thrilled and so was I. That was 6 months of hard work for me and about 3 for my husband on the house. He still deals with his mother but there is little interaction. She is 3.5 hours away and she has the same complaints- I am hungry and don’t like the food, the dog is dying (nothing wrong with the dog), I want to live near you, etc. Her funds will go further where she is- not where we are.

There are companies that will help clean up hoarder houses. I did use one at the end to remove the nasty furniture and carpet. One must be careful to keep the dumpster around only a short time to discourage dumpster divers.

One reader said to obtain a professional who specializes in hoarding. I agree.

I'm sorry that you have to go through your mother's "Pack Rat" problem that includes dirty, rotting food to make your parents' house a stinking part of their town. Very extreme mental disorder that your mother considers a "Don't You Dare Touch My Stuff" as normal to her.

Make an anonymous contact with APS so your mother does not get mad at you.

My gosh, I like to collect trinkets myself with my autism disorder but not anything compared with what a hoarder does. I like neatness and order I want no one to touch.

My Mom is a hoarder too but not too bad in the refrigerator. I have had to go in and throw stuff out from time to time but fortunately she does not get upset. I live with her so am aware of her food situation. My sister-in-law comes by every Tuesday and will comment if she smells something bad in the refrigerator. I think, because of Mom's pride, she will relent and clean out the refrigerator. Maybe if your Mom has a friend you could bring her in and ask her to make a comment about smelling something bad in the fridge. Maybe your Mom will be embarrassed and do something about it. As far as the other hoarding goes, I tried for years to get Mom to get rid of stuff in her den and work room. I finally gave up. I'm letting her enjoy her stuff and will deal with it when she passes. I think it is very hard to get rid of things when you are old. These are her memories of a life well lived and she deserves to have them as long as they are not trip or safety hazards.

Call adult protective services…your Dad needs to be rescued. My mom slowly began “stockpiling” necessities. She had enough shampoo, paper products etc that 3 yrs later we are still using it. She even tries to do this at her AL facility. I can control that more easily now that I am in charge of finances. My mom {89} was a clean neat hoarder. I see the same tendencies in my 51 yr old daughter! This issue runs in families and is a mental illness. Mom also had anxiety and depression. Good luck

I get it, I really do. This is one of the harder points of having to wrest control from your parents. Loss, heartbreak and anger are looming out of every corner. The situation you describe is not going to get better. Without intervention, it will only get worse. And without intervention, you could
easily lose both your parents to a fire, illness, vermin; the list goes on. Google services for the elderly in your area. Call Adult Protective Services, and set an appointment to go talk to them. They may be able to given you advice on how to do this. Please believe me, intervention is necessary right now. Your Mom may be having mental or physical challenges that aside from the hoarding may not be obvious. Losing Moms trust feels awful, but this pales in comparison to the other potential losses. I’ve seen and worked with bad hoarder situations. The most
loving thing you can do for your parents is to intervene.

You absolutely have all of my empathy. My mom is 64, I’m 43. She began hoarding decades ago after becoming an empty nester once my brother and I were out of the house.

This year she had a stroke that left her paralyzed on the left. This was just weeks after finally being put out of her house that she’d squatted in illegally for over 3 years because she foreclosed on it and didn’t tell anyone, and it took that long for it to come to light to me..by the time it did the new owner came knocking on her door and calling me to get her out.

I don’t have much advice to offer. This is a horrible horrible thing to see someone decline in this way. I am so sorry you are going through this. I too have a sibling..just before my moms stroke when I asked them for help because she was being put out of the home they politely told me not to ever contact them again about our mom as they wouldn’t answer. And they haven’t despite my attempts about her stroke so they meant that. I think it’s healthy to find a way to forgive your sibling. Else it can come back to you down the road and eat you alive that you have a blood relative that close in relation to you that has chosen to leave you alone in all of this. On one hand it’s just not right. On the other hand it’s very possible they have valid reasons for disassociating. Either way, finding a path towards forgiveness is important.

As far as the hoarding, I haven’t read the whole thread yet but I wonder are you prepared for say, your parents being ‘put out’ of where they live? In other words, who handles all of the stuff in the house then? That is a hugely stressful event and could require a ton of money and several hands to help just to figure out getting the stuff out. Or thrown away. Or whatever.

My mother didn’t have running water for decades. I made the decision that I couldn’t be the one to save her stuff. There wasn’t any plan I could think of to ‘go through everything in her house’ and salvage stuff with her that wouldn’t stress me to an unhealthy point. So I let her be. The day she was technically ‘evicted’ I went over and spent maybe 4 hours getting photos and documents out. Mind you, the house was still completely hoarded despite her having legally lost it 3 years prior meaning she had that much time to get all the important stuff out and couldn’t/didn’t.

If you’re going to be the one dealing with everything in that house alone with someone who is going to fight you because they don’t want you touching a thing and they’re mad because you’re the reason they might have to part with some of their things, I wonder what your plan is for that. By my story, you can see I basically ‘opted out’. My mom retrieved some stuff but at the end of the day she left a house that was filled and I mean filled with things that the new owner came in and had a crew throw away. It devastated my mom and she is somehow mad at me for much of it (!). Unfortunately, she now has a much bigger issue (her life changing stroke), so the whole house/hoarding thing does not get raised (to me anyway, she’s been chatty enough to her NPD trauma-bonded sister to tell her how much she’s mad at me..for what reason I don’t know).

Again, you have my utmost empathy. I am so sorry you are going through this. I just wonder what happens to this stuff if the parents have to go. That’s a huge thing to have to deal with and in the hoarder’s eyes you will likely be the enemy that is trying to take away their stuff the more involved you are IMO. Best to recognize this ‘will’ likely impact the relationship with your mom to some kind of extent..and that that’s ok because this is an illness and none, absolutely none of this is your fault. I haven’t been in this forum long but feel free to chat me anytime if you need someone to talk to. My thoughts are with you and your family.

My brother has always been a hoarder and has been diagnosed with severe bipolar. It's one of the characteristics of that mental problem. He's only gotten worse over the years but now is in a nursing home and unfortunately, will likely die there. Even in the nursing home he tries to hoard but he has very little room.

I have dealt with a somewhat similar situation over the last decade. The most important advice I can give you is to temper your expectations. Hoarding is a complex health challenge and neither you nor I nor any health-care professional has a lot to offer in terms of treatment and management. It is poorly understood, and although there are some individuals who improve with CBT and supportive household help, I think it is very difficult for the elderly to find motivation for treatment. They are often not well enough (cognitively or mentally) to engage with treatment at all.

The most useful thing you can do is seek help for yourself. I think most people dealing with hoarding/caregiving require assistance to maintain some balance in their lives. That might be building a network of supportive friends, or talking to a religious advisor, or therapist. A mental health professional may be more familiar with the illness, and will not waste your time with well-intentioned but naive suggestions. This next phase of family life is hard. You need to build strong boundaries and make sure you preserve your health, work, and relationships.

I don’t have any direct experience with Adult Protective Services, so I cannot speak to their utility.

I would recommend taking a few photos sometime when you visit. Document unsafe conditions (images + time, date) to establish evidence of unsafe conditions in the home. I’d probably do this surreptitiously, given the situation you describe and your father’s vulnerability in the home.

At some point, an opportunity will arise when you feel it is right to call attention to conditions in the home. I can’t say when that will be—every situation is different, every family is different. In the US, a hospital admission is one opportunity. If your father were admitted, a discharge planner will visit prior to his release. The trick is, you have to be there to meet with that person, and indicate that conditions in the home are unsafe. These meetings seem to be impromptu (planner just shows up with no warning). Don’t miss it, if you can help it—or reach out to the discharge planning group proactively. If you have photos on your phone, you can show them the home is unsafe. In a functional hospital, that would start wheels turning for an alternate placement for your dad. You could also communicate your doubts about your mom’s capabilities as caretaker, but that is harder to argue. And it may be futile, if your mom is currently designated as his legal caretaker.

An alternate route involves communicating with the primary physician. This is what I did, after another vulnerable individual who lived in the home was hospitalized. I was very blunt and indicated that my mom could no longer maintain safe conditions in the home due to hoarding issues and cognitive decline, and that the health and well-being of my other relative was in jeopardy. A good physician will have contacts with a competent social service provider and write a referral for evaluation and services of some kind.

There is probably no way to avoid a confrontation. After I called the doctor’s office, the nurse called my mom (while I was sitting at the kitchen table with her) and reported exactly what I had said. My mom was beyond livid.

If/when you decide to report unsafe conditions, be prepared for the fact that you cannot control your mom’s reaction to the report. She may or may not get over it. It may rupture your relationship with her, or with both parents. So you and only you can know what makes sense. Make sure all legal documents are in order, if you can.

In my case, the report resulted in an in-home visit and some services (a weekly visit from a geriatric social worker) that helped somewhat. Not really a solution, as conditions overall continued to decline, but it did help. We slowly started to build connections to care services for the elderly. Today (about 8 years later), my mom is in AL and continues to hoard. So: get help for yourself, first.

I would call APS and hopefully they will follow through with taking action.

I can’t stand clutter. Hoarding is so much worse than ordinary clutter.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this difficult situation.

My parents were severe hoarders. It is a mental illness and I want you to save yourself from thinking you can change the behavior.

I actually got a social worker involved and she could only make my Mom clear a 3 foot path down the hall to Dads room.

there was so much stuff in their home that mice overtook the house and there was a huge infestation.

I got the pleasure of cleaning the house out when they moved near me to assisted living. It took an estate sales person a junk company and eventually Serve-pro to decontaminate the house. We worked for weeks to get it all sorted, a large industrial bun was in the driveway and it was filled 3 times and taken to the dump.

it is hard not to worry but this is not something you can fix.

Hoarding is a mental illness and you should not expend any energy "helping" your Mom without the insights and guidance of a therapist who specializes in this disorder. You are correct that your Mom would not see the therapist, but you can.

If you do nothing, eventually one or both of them will either be taken out by ambulance and the other will shortly follow.

If you report them to APS, the county will probably dictate what happens (if they gain guardianship or your Mom gets written up for neglect or abuse of your Dad). Your Dad most likely would be removed to a Medicaid facility by the guardian. Not sure what will happen to your Mom but the township may insist she clean up her home or get a citation. It differs by state/county. She won't clean it up and neither should you.

None of the scenarios have a pleasant outcome. It's a matter of choosing a "least bad" option. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through this.

Newmilton,

With the hoarding at such a dangerous level for both of them, I'd urge you to APS yourself and then you're not the target of her angst. The hoarding means that in any emergency (and those caused by the piles), the EMT's would be hard-pressed to retrieve them from the home.

If you're DPOA, you're responsible for the preservation of their assets and the weight of hoarding plus the "rotting food" and etc., is destroying what may be the sole asset for providing them with the facility care that they certainly now require. They are not safe and you can't continue to enable this unhealthy and dangerous living situation.

If you can find seasons of 'Hoarders,' please watch a few episodes and it will give you a better understanding of the resistance in hoarders and the severe extent to which it destroys dwellings, too often allowing rodent egress and other unhealthy pests.

Relieve yourself and them of this terrible burden and report the situation to APs, it's the only responsible thing to do, you cannot allow your mom's decisions and choices to reign in this dangerous situation.

After reading further: talk with your absent sibling and have her do the reporting. Fully appraise your sib of the conditions with pictures and ask this one thing of her. Then you can honestly tell your mom that you didn't report the home and hopefully, retain the trust. But trust is less important than their safety, no matter what.

Wishing you and yours the best moving forward.