My sister & I have been co caretakers for my mom & stepdad for years. My stepdad recently passed away. My brother who has always lived out of state has offered to take mom. "He is retired & has nothing but time" Mom pays her own way. He has no financial out of pocket for her needs. Initially he asked for $20,000.00 to prepare his home to better take care of Mom. I sent it. He also asked for her car. I gave it to him. However he is now insisting Mom pay him monthly for his inconvenience. Mom is happy there. My sister & I both work so it's made our lives easier. We took care of Mom because she's our Mom & never did we ask for payment to do so. He's had her for 6 weeks. We feel financial gain was his intention all along. I welcome any thought on this.
You said that she pays her own way. So, she is paying room and board and now he wants paid for his hands on care of her?
That payment would have to be minimal at best. I am all for getting paid, but that doesn't seem to be the deal when this started. Your mother needs a legal contract with him, now.
"He is retired & has nothing but time", then that he asked for monthly funds "for his inconvenience." Do you see a contradiction and inconsistency here? Lots of time but he's inconvenienced? How so? And didn't he volunteer in the first place?
I don't like to be the lone suspicious person, but that was my gut reaction as I read and reread your post. This was planned and he gradually worked up to requesting the monthly payment.
The other important issue though is that your mother is happy. So I think the question is how to balance his desire for money vs. the fact that your mother is happy (so far).
Has he suggested a monthly amount? I'm assuming the $20K came from her funds, and that you either have a DPOA or joint account. Have you discussed this with your mother, and if so, how does she feel about his request for payment. Is he single or are there others in the household?
Somehow I can't help think that (a) he had this planned all along, and (b) if he doesn't get paid, your mother will bear the brunt of it in changed treatment.
I do think, however, that you're entitled to know specifically how the $20 was spent. I can think of about $5k to remodel the bathroom, another few K for a ramp, if that's necessary, and generously guessing another $1k or so for an extensive network of grab bars.
I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to document the $20K and see what his reaction is. It's also interesting that he got this up front, before hitting on you for the monthly stipend. If he doesn't get the latter, he still got the $20K.
Someone asked if it was for ramps for your mom or another bathroom, you didn't answer.
Who hands over 20K and doesn't ask questions?
But unless you come back and give more specific information no one can help you here. Some are trying to guess, but unless you're more concrete no one can advise.
Things change. I'm more inclined to go with the he planned this group.....
So what to do, to get all finances back to a new starting point you could do either:
Ask bro if the 20k is to be considered a loan, a gift or for housing accessibility items OR for caregiving. And that if a Loan, then you'll need his signature on paperwork to that effect that is actuarialy sound based on moms age (this yiu need otherwise Medicaid will say it's gifting); OR gifting & send him a letter stating that if mom needs to apply for Medicaid in thenext 5 years that this 20k will make her ineligible so he will be responsible to private pay; or fir repairs renovation then with receipts; OR if for caregiving that it will be reported to iRS.
If he balks at any of this, you can as DPOA issue him w-2 on it to IRS along with a noncompliance statement (that he would not do w-9 & I-9).
I know this sounds all nuclear options but if he runs out of caregiving ability or interest and mom runs out of $, you & Sissy will be scrambling to private pay for mom's care. Someone who got 20k and asking for more now when things are still pretty simple with mom, well probably can't be counted on when it gets tough. One good fall and the world changes & Hello Medicaid!
Imho unless they have a solid 400/500K in assets, or are generationally wealthy,, they are likely to run out of $ to private pay for care if they live long enough. And mom will need Medicaid.
The biggest question is if the amount of money your brother is requesting seems reasonable -- like the amount of money it would cost to help with household expenses. You and your sister may not have charged, but that doesn't mean no one should ever ask your mother to pay something. Besides, we don't know if she lived with you or not, so hard to compare.
If you decide to pay him for mom's are, you must call it salary, pay the employer portion of Social Security and give him a W2 at the end of the year.
This is not to be done lightly. You should most definitely consult an elder law attorney.
So I am inclined to think your brother should expect some room-and-board payment. (This has nothing to do with what you and your sister did not charge. That was your decision.)
I really feel uncomfortable with the way this all came about. Brother doesn't seem to have been playing straight-forward with all of you. BUT it seems to be the best situation for all concerned, and he is entitled to some compensation. So I hope you can work it out.
And when you do work it out GET IT IN WRITING. Get an attorney who specializes in Elder Law involved with the most advantageous way to arrange things.
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