I'm at the end of my rope. I've actually been there but have managed to hold on somehow. I've taken care of my mother in her house for almost 7 years as her dementia has worsened and worsened. I've not had any help at all and haven't been anywhere without her for over 4 years. I never leave the house because I'm working 4-5 jobs at a time because I took on all of her expenses except rent.
She started becoming very mean years ago and now is simply an awful person. She denies everything she does and calls me names, every day with every single thing she does that is nonsensical or dangerous, or both, the weight in my shoulders gets heavier and heavier. I'm so exhausted and so miserable and so stressed out I can't even think straight enough to do my work without making huge, often expensive, mistakes. I feel utterly hopeless and I am utterly alone, both literally and metaphorically.
I've applied for my state's assistance in placing her four times and they've denied her every time, saying she's not "progressed" enough to qualify. This is a woman who talks to her dead parents, saves food for them, hoards newspapers to give to them, who insists she's just had a conversation with my (useless) younger brother (the one who completely disappeared 4 years ago when I finally told him I needed help with her), who leaves with her clothes crammed in grocery bags to go "home" - her childhood home that's 2700 miles away. I've had to lock up everything and now have to buy 3 different locks for 3 different doors because she's decided my dog is hers and she can do what she wants, which means letting him out near the street with no collar and no leash, something I've never done with him because he's a runner. Once she does one weird thing I know it'll never stop, she will continue doing it over and over. I have no way of protecting him from her other than keeping him locked up in the same bedroom I'm closed up in 24/7.
I've literally sacrificed my whole life in order to take care of her and in return I'm called stupid, a liar, an idiot, a bitch, and more often than not I feel so much pressure inside of me it makes me shake. I've become desperate to get out of here before it kills me. It's already ruined me, being around my mother constantly long-term made my older sister move out when she was 15, my older brother leave the moment he graduated, and made me leave Kentucky in 1989 to move all the way to Arizona. My dad drank to deal with her. I've spent my entire adult life getting as far away from my childhood as possible - I kept house differently, I married differently, I raised my kids differently, I strived to be nothing like my mother, I just wanted to escape all the dysfunction and hoarding and depression and manipulation I grew up surrounded by. And I had succeeded.
The moment I knew I had to be her caregiver, in her house, I felt as if God had picked me up and dropped me right back into that awful childhood. Different state, different house, different age, same dysfunction. I've been deeply unhappy the whole time I've been here but as she gets worse I get worse. I have so much anger towards her for things that happened years ago but I'm also fed up with everything here. She's never thanked me, not once, unless in sarcasm. She's never appreciated anything I've done or taken care of or paid for it solved. Angry landlords, pissed off doctors, bill collectors - they've all become my problem. I was prepared to reapply for state assistance but today as I stood in the backyard, after rescuing my dog again after she let him out without a leash, hearing her spit at me that he's her dog and she'll do whatever she wants with him, I felt something break in me. I don't yet know if it was a good break or another bad one but immediately afterward my first thought was getting her placed. I don't know where/how to begin. I know her check will pay for only the most run down of places, I've tried to avoid that, but I'm desperate. I have to get away from here.
You've been through h*** - can you work with a Placement Agent?
That's how we found the current facility for my 95 year old mother with Alzheimer's after she was released from being hospitalized and went to rehab for three weeks after surviving COVID and severe dehydration.
They know the facilities, they have connections and most of all they have a rapport with these places. Also with the pandemic, they will know who is able to take someone/who has availability. It would take a lot longer if you were to do it all on your own and you already are depleted putting it mildly.
Best wishes!
You say your mother doesn't qualify for any care because she is "not progressed enough." Let APS services know that, but tell them you suspect she will be unable to care for herself and may be an "elder at risk" now in your absence. If your mother is deemed to be unsafe then the State can deal with making her a ward of the state and place her to the best of her ability.
I would say there is no way out of this that is pretty. You must save yourself.
What state are you living in?
Do you have durable PoA for your mother? Or guardianship? Or neither?
Does she have a medical diagnosis of dementia/ALZ by a doctor?
I guess I don't understand the statement, "I've applied for my state's assistance in placing her four times and they've denied her every time, saying she's not 'progressed' enough to qualify."
Medicaid has to do with her finances. Whether she qualifies for MC is up to each facility to decide. Does she have enough money to get into a facility on private pay, at least for a few months? It needs to be one that has Medicaid beds. Then, once she runs out of funds you can apply for Medicaid for her and the facility can't kick her out. This is what I did for my MIL. She's been in 2 very nice places, on Medicaid.
If you currently have your monies co-mingled with hers, you will need to separate it. There can be no appearance of gifting of money, by Medicaid's definition. The look-back period varies by state. My state's is 5 years. The home belonging to your mom (if this is the case) will need to be sold to pay for her care until she qualifies for Medicaid.
If you don't have PoA or guardianship your only recourse is to call social services to discuss the county pursuing guardianship. In this case they will take over everything, including all her assets and you will be locked out of her accounts. Not sure how long guardianship takes in your state.
Providing more info would help the forum give better suggestions and insights to you. Thanks...hang in there.
I'm so sorry for EVERYTHING you've been through. You are most likely suffering from C-PTSD (due to multiple traumatic events in your life) as opposed to PTSD (a singular traumatic event). You are way in over your head with your emotional and psychological well being.
When I needed help knowing where to get started with my mom back in 2015, I was desperate as I had no other family to help me other than my husband. I started with a social worker at the Area of Aging Agency in downtown Phoenix. Once you get started with something, usually one resource leads to another .
You may also want to try contacting (or at least go to their website and check out their Programs - it has it's own tab to click on) Foundation for Senior Living 602-285-1800.
I sure hope you can get some help real soon as you can't continue to go on in this unhealthy manner.
You will be in my prayers - that God will lead you in the right direction!
P.S. You need your dog but, our Arizona Humane Society is wonderful and they may be able to help you. See if they can have a temporary foster home until you get this straightened out.
You are not obliged to be her caregiver. From what you're saying about how she treated you your entire life, why did you even consider moving back in with her to be her caregiver?
Questions aside, if you really want to get out of this situation which sounds like a horrendous misery, this is how.
Go to your town's probate court and petition the court to appoint a conservator over your mother. Explain to them that you refuse to continue as her caregiver because you're no longer able meet her needs and care for her properly. The court will then consider your petition and will appoint her a lawyer (which she will be billed for) that will represent her. If there are no family members available for them to appoint her conservator, it will fall to either a lawyer or social worker that the court chooses. What will happen next is the court-appointed conservator will take control of her finances (paying of bills and managing bank accounts), her assets (house, cars, etc...), and her health care decisions. She will very likely get removed from her home and put into a nursing facility. Whatever money or assets she has will go towards that expense and the conservator will also draw a salary from it. Then you will have to move out of the house (the court will appropriate an amount of time for you to do this. It will likely be 30 to 90 days), and it will be listed for sale.
You are having trouble making decisions which is completely understandable because you are under severe stress, overwhelmed, depressed and exhausted. If you are not getting the proper rest and sleep, you cannot think clearly.
Also, please realize that so many of us even if our situations are varied have been in that same place so you are not alone in those feelings - not by a long shot. Sometimes knowing that others are experiencing the same type of feeling is helpful in and of itself. Thinking you're the only one feeling the way you do is very self isolating and it becomes a vicious cycle.
My suggestion is to write things down that need to be done in priority order and try to tackle them in small bites. Even if you could do just one thing tomorrow, that would be an accomplishment. When it comes to being motivated, we often think the motivation comes first and then act on it when actually, we need to do something first and then the motivation follows. Experts will say to set a time limit - maybe 1/2 an hour to an hour and do what you can within that time and many times you may feel like you can do another 1/2 an hour or more. It's the getting started that's the hard part.
The majority if not all of us are doing a juggling or balancing act and dropping the ball here and there. It happens and will continue to happen as we can't do everything at all times.
Try not to be so hard on yourself as you've become your own worst enemy - something you don't need to pile on yourself. Recognize your worth as a human being - there's only one "you."
Do take care -
I am sorry you have experienced a life time of dysfunction. I have had similar and still expose myself to my mother as i do their bills because no one else will take care of this. Other possible family member would not be trustworthy. I have become numb to her insults, guilt trips, accusations. I do what i do and go home to my own house. Around here is a council on aging-maybe national level or thru your home state list of available agencies for senior care/solutions. Maybe you could find Legal Aid society that provides low cost or no cost consultations to get you started about legal options guardian etc. I agree with other post one good connection can lead to another and another. I agree with other post set a limit. You could get a lot of possible resources by looking on the internet-phone numbers etc. Maybe even call a local church they are sometimes connected with people within the community and church members who could/might help you get started brainstorm with you narrow the search for agencies/resources. Then start calling until you get to the right source the right person to get you on track to finding help for yourself first and then your mother. A little bit every day is progress towards getting what you need.
You will need to protect yourself and your pets from her, as your attorney advised:
when she does something insane, call an ambulance 911 to:
1. Baker Act her, which exists in every U.S. state;
the Baker Act allows for involuntary evaluation, (what some call emergency or involuntary commitment), which can be initiated by judges, law enforcement officials, emergency medical technicians.
Since she's a completely different person when her audience changes:
1(a). Record her, minimally record sound of her being crazy mean.
1(b). get nanny cams to grab hidden footage, to support your case (Amazon or lots of sites sell hidden cameras.
2. ER dump, You'll need to call an ambulance when she falls ...
3. Please place your dog into a veterinarian Kennel, to keep him safe from her abuse, or with a friend... your pup is an innocent target, that needs to be somewhere away from your mother.
4. For you-->In the meantime, please search online for Narcissistic Mother's abuse. You'll find many websites that will provide insight by those who have experienced similar lifelong abuse.
5. You're not alone, so many on this site have written about similar, if not equally as horrible experiences.
6. STAY SILENT ABOUT EVERYTHING; she will use what you say against you.
Be careful about everything, she is capable of doing things you cannot imagine, killing your dog, etc.
7. Understand that your ongoing C-PTSD mind isn't thinking logically, which psychologically shrinks your options, as you unknowingly resist escaping the situation. Her psychological ABUSE is truly NOT your fault. You're caught within an abuse cycle, that your mother has orchestrated for your entire life,
A psychologically abusive individual (your mother) knows exactly what she is doing, she has created and orchestrated an abuse cycle of hot cold moments;nice, mean, nice, mean.... which has trapped you within its grasp, by making its prisoner crave those intermittently bestowed few tiny kind glimpses of who the abusive person could might maybe be... if only you were different, but, it's NOT you who is the problem, it's 100% her.
9. With your new insight, you CAN escape.
10.Please stay in touch, we will be here, to provide your brain support.
You need to get OUT of the role of her caregiver immediately for your own mental health.
Many people have provided excellent advice below. So, why not follow it?
Her Insurance should pay.
Move out of the home and get your own place and call Senior Protective Service and tell them you need your mom evaluated that you don't think she should be staying by herself and sge has no one that will stay with her.
If the Dr thinks your mom is OK staying alone, then let her stay where she is or move her into an Apartment for Seniors Only, it's a lot less expensive and they have rides to get your groceries, ect.
You need to Move Out and get your own place.
If your mom doesn't want to move, let her stay where she is and just visit her once a week to bring groceries or have groceries delivered.
For yourself .... get the heck out of your mother's space as soon as possible.... she is toxic and your owe it to yourself, your children and yes, your dog to survive to live your life and care and love them!
Pack your stuff and move out. Don't give Mom a number where you can be reached. You can call APS after you leave to tell them you had to move for your own health reasons but it's likely that Mom is a danger to herself if alone.
Or
Next time she falls and goes to ER... don't take her home (to her home or yours!!), pack and leave immediately (if you haven't already). Go to a friend's home or your kids or rent a weekly hotel room until you find your own place. If the hospital gets your number and calls you tell them you don't live with your Mom anymore and have no suggestions as to where they should discharge her. Believe me .... they will find a place for her to be discharged.
I know you want the best for your Mom because you are a dutiful daughter regardless of her treatment but you have done your best for years. If you are spiritual, it is time to let go and let God take over. He will put her where he thinks she belongs at this time of her life. God Bless you. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Yes it will get worse, and eventually she may start wandering and will require 24/7 care.
Screennamed said it very well:
"7. Understand that your ongoing C-PTSD mind isn't thinking logically, which psychologically shrinks your options, as you unknowingly resist escaping the situation. Her psychological ABUSE is truly NOT your fault. You're caught within an abuse cycle, that your mother has orchestrated for your entire life,"
I want to reinforce that none of this is your fault. You have gone above and beyond for someone who didn't deserve the time of day. You seem to recognize the need for healing and therapy, but that it is something to be done later. Please don't put it off. Your healing needs to start now, because YOU matter and your well being matters, right now!
Right this minute, YOU become the priority, not your mother. Keep your dog with you and stay out of your mom's way. Don't answer her demands. This will surely prompt her to create a crisis hoping to snap you back into obedience, and that is when you call 911 and have her taken to the ER.
It's time to end this nightmare for you, and what happens to her is her problem.
Lisa
We have similar behaviors from our mothers. (lifetime of abuse, calls me nasty names, never have heard sorry or thank you, demands of me, abused me my entire childhood)
I have also lost my dad and 2 siblings and I have a sister that is estranged from my mother and “only wants to hear about her when she has passed”
I enrolled her in PACE program.
she now has a NP, SW and other Services available. It is so so helpful.
Not sure if they are only in certain states or not? Also, I found and AL that only charges the amount she receives monthly from SS. Her SS income is her only asset.
I go to therapy (learned I do not have to do this for my mother, I owe her nothing, and how to take care of me)
ex: self help
Walks/reading/baths/friends/time with my own family
i also started a anti depressant (lowest dose) helps me tremendously with sleep and anxiety.
pls talk to your doctor.
And, follow advice of above: call 911 and have her taken out of the house.
The hospital will have a case manager find a suitable living situation for her upon discharge. You must be clear and upfront that you cannot take her home.
They will find her a much needed Medicaid bed.
Good luck!
i feel your pain and wish you well. It’s a process but needs to be done so you can get on with your own life!
we only get 1 life so make the most of it. She has lived her life now it’s time for you to live yours.
When an elder parent chooses when and who to dump all their anger on, that person (too often the daughter, though not always) we fall for the trap thinking we owe this abuser something. Well, you don't - at least not that. We can give them all the help they need, but getting them placed in a home to take care of them. For me placing Mother in Assisted Living was the answer, she believed she had to be a "good" person for them, even though to me she continued to be the abuser. But now I was free to say, "love you Ma, but I have an appointment I must keep." Then leave. Brothers thought to the day she passed she was a sweet loving mother (to them she was).
Using the ER as a "dump" is what you need to understand and then do. When all is said and done --- then find a therapist who deals with this kind of absue and take as long as you need to find yourself again. A phrase I learned a long time ago has helped me - "I love my Mother, I just don't like her at all".
Good Luck, God Bless and Stay strong!
First, having gone through this with my husband, the best way to begin is to take Mom to primary care doctor, get him/her to order cognitive tests, get doctor(s) to write letter as to her condition, not to make financial decisions, get elder lawyer, and submit papers again. When I needed to discuss my husband's mental condition, I went to the doctor with him, and I listed every thing he did and said on paper, that made me think he had memory loss. Must have medical decisions on paper, can't just put Mom away, without these papers. If she owns a house, get it sold, with proceeds towards her care. If house is yours, make sure paperwork is in order. To get her to a doctor, say it is for your appointment, hand the doctor your list of thing Mom says, done, and go from there. My husband had 2 or 3 cognitive tests ordered by neurologist. Results of tests helped me know how serious his condition was, and that I needed to make changes in the way we handled financial decisions (he couldn't, by letter from doctor). And, to look for a place for him. You deserve to have a life free of fear, angst, terror from Mom, and begin to smell the roses. Take care of yourself first.
Lisa
It could be useful to start videoing some of her behaviors. Anger, packing clothes to go home, things that show how she really is at home.
Now, on the other hand if she is being denied state assistance because of her income, it means she may have enough to be self pay. As a note, the Medicaid beds for those with little to no income are not always the most run down places. If she is over income for Medicaid, then you take what you can get for what she can afford. Older facility can still be a nice clean facility. If you get a doctor to help you with documentation, a hospital social worker can help find a facility and facility will help with the application for Medicaid and/or self pay figures.
Another alternative is next time she packs her back to go home, call EMS and tell them she has dementia - you cannot physically keep her in the house this time - you are afraid for her safety and your own. Ask for transport to the hospital where you can get other help for placement. You can explain to the attending doctor the dangerous situations she's putting herself in, the dog issue, dead people, etc and be very clear that you can no longer contain her to the house. Physically trying to restrain her is going to result in one of you getting hurt. Let dr and social worker know you have no help, done it as long as you can, and her needs are much greater than you can handle anymore because of the safety issues for her, you, and the dog. Going to a facility FROM a hospital is always much easier than going from home to facility.
Why did you have to take on all expenses except rent? How did she pay them before you got there? You are not responsible for her debt - the bills are in her name and if they go to collections, it would be her name on them.
Clearly this is beyond what you can do any longer. Do what you have to to get her to a doctor who can do an appropriate eval or to a hospital as emergency admit. Sincerely hope you get her moved.
Lisa
“I don’t think you will find any help on this site. This site is for those providing care for the elderly, and we don’t enter into the disabled realm.”
We (my adult daughter who is now permanently disabled-a passenger in a fatal car wreck. She acquired a severe DAI TBI & many secondary injuries related & unrelated to wreck. My child is the mom to 4 young children, who love their mom. She was divorced like myself, when this happened. As far as caregiving goes, I’m my daughters only physical help she must have 24/7).
I didn’t reply to the only answer I received because of what it insinuates, I was on the wrong forum. But I do read the questions and reply’s when time allows & put the other in a folder I created on my phone so I could read questions/replies @ some point.
I really didn’t have the time to read this question but I just wanted to see the replies as I could resonate with some of the issues, but the difference is my daughter can’t help or control her behavior because of the brain damage.
She was taking meds that we’re working to control all of this, but the state we live in now would rather see my child suffer in pain & agony at the age of 38 than prescribed the meds that were working to control everything & left her cognitive to rehabilitate, made it easier (a lot easier) to care for my adult daughter at home where she belongs. This way I know she’s living in a safe, loving, caring environment, & not being abused /neglected, over medicated, physically attacked, & so much more if left in a NH.
I have owned & worn that shirt for too long, as I went completely destitute financially trying to keep my child at home the first 2 years after her discharge from the rehab center.
I was left w/out a choice but to place her in a skilled nursing facility (5 stars-FYI: the star rating means nothing plz. remember this to anyone who reads this, & Medicaid paid for this in full). I was blessed to get my child out of these hell on Earth facilities & back home.
But it was to little, too late. They destroyed whatever she had left in her original fast burner rehabilitation, & the will/want to get better, & has taken me forever to get her partially back. But it is never going to happen without the proper medical intervention that is available to her via Medicaid, but she’s not receiving it, or the meds. They would rather keep her brain scrambled & leave her crushed right knee without anything to give to her but Tylenol. I’m sick to my stomach about this move I made on my daughters behalf for a myriad of reasons.
I was given so much erroneous information prior to moving to FL from GA as I researched thoroughly prior to moving us. I could have chosen anywhere to move, but the info I received was like the phrase you always hear... “if it sounds too good to be true, it is.” Believe me, it’s the truest statement ever.
My question: what is C-PTSD?
In both states, elderly & disabled adult were the same entity, & was confused when I recd the reply I did.
My reply to ?-getting mom placed.
I know you aren’t trying to get retaliation for what happened & how you grew up by any means. There’s no way that’s a thought you have. What you’ve been doing for your mom w/out help.
However; I have to let you know or I would have more issues in my head than I have now, if I don’t speak up Re: the prolific problem that happens at every nursing home & in your own home if you don’t keep a watchful eye.
Mom will get everything she did to you & others quad triple fold when she’s placed.
Don’t take what I said lightly. It’s a fact & no one cares about it happening. I don’t know why the individuals & state/federal agencies who are hired to protect these individuals in the care of others exist. THATS TAX $$ WASTED-
Once someone is on Medicaid the individual can go to any skilled nursing home who accepts Medicaid. In Missouri the majority of skilled communities have some Medicaid, it can vary greatly from only a few Medicaid Certified beds to some homes who are 100% Medicaid Certified.
If you continue to have problems qualifying her for Medicaid I would recommend you contact an Elder Law Attorney to do the application for you. Your mom could pay the cost of the attorney by using her money and that would help spend down any assets to qualify for Medicaid.
I wish I could reach out to you individually to help you through this process! You could call your local Long-term Care Ombudsman Program to get recommendations for Elder Law Attorneys in your area or go online to the the National Association of Elder Law Attorneys (NELA) to find one in your area.
I wish you the best and let us know how things go!