How to begin getting my mother placed in a facility?

You're obviously a tough cookie. I would have folded after 6 months of this. I hope you're able to find a good therapist that can help you process all the junk. They can really do wonders to help us rebuild after being torn down by other people. I hope you will find a good placement for her soon enough!

Dear "alpr323,"

You've been through h*** - can you work with a Placement Agent?
That's how we found the current facility for my 95 year old mother with Alzheimer's after she was released from being hospitalized and went to rehab for three weeks after surviving COVID and severe dehydration.

They know the facilities, they have connections and most of all they have a rapport with these places. Also with the pandemic, they will know who is able to take someone/who has availability. It would take a lot longer if you were to do it all on your own and you already are depleted putting it mildly.

Best wishes!

It seems that everyone has left but you. My suggestion would be that you leave as well after 7 years. You say that your mother doesn't qualify for care yet, and it seems there is no diagnosis of dementia. Your mother is paying the rental, so I am assuming that you are living with her. The fact that you have so many jobs means you cannot now be home with her all that much. I think you should get your own place to live and pay your own rental, and allow your mother to pay her own.
You say your mother doesn't qualify for any care because she is "not progressed enough." Let APS services know that, but tell them you suspect she will be unable to care for herself and may be an "elder at risk" now in your absence. If your mother is deemed to be unsafe then the State can deal with making her a ward of the state and place her to the best of her ability.
I would say there is no way out of this that is pretty. You must save yourself.

How old is your mother?
What state are you living in?
Do you have durable PoA for your mother? Or guardianship? Or neither?
Does she have a medical diagnosis of dementia/ALZ by a doctor?

I guess I don't understand the statement, "I've applied for my state's assistance in placing her four times and they've denied her every time, saying she's not 'progressed' enough to qualify."

Medicaid has to do with her finances. Whether she qualifies for MC is up to each facility to decide. Does she have enough money to get into a facility on private pay, at least for a few months? It needs to be one that has Medicaid beds. Then, once she runs out of funds you can apply for Medicaid for her and the facility can't kick her out. This is what I did for my MIL. She's been in 2 very nice places, on Medicaid.

If you currently have your monies co-mingled with hers, you will need to separate it. There can be no appearance of gifting of money, by Medicaid's definition. The look-back period varies by state. My state's is 5 years. The home belonging to your mom (if this is the case) will need to be sold to pay for her care until she qualifies for Medicaid.

If you don't have PoA or guardianship your only recourse is to call social services to discuss the county pursuing guardianship. In this case they will take over everything, including all her assets and you will be locked out of her accounts. Not sure how long guardianship takes in your state.

Providing more info would help the forum give better suggestions and insights to you. Thanks...hang in there.

Yes I live with her. She was diagnosed with lewey body dementia in 2015 but had been showing decline since 2013. My finances are not co-mingled with hers, in fact my son is her financial POA because she was letting everyone have access to her bank accounts, was getting hacked and stolen from so often the bank threatened to close her account. She does not trust me so we made my son her POA and he's the reason her rent gets paid on time each month. She does not have a medical POA. I work from home so I am in this house with her 24/7. I used to take nightly walks just to get some peace but now I just spend them worrying what she's doing the entire time which pretty much renders those walks useless. I've applied to Arizona Long Term Health Care for financial assistance, they are the ones denying her. She passes the financial interview with no problem because she owns nothing and only draws her social security each month. It's the medical interview that she doesn't pass because they only really care about her PHYSICAL illnesses, not her dementia. Which still is BS because she has degenerative disc disease, a progressive disease where her spine is crumbling like sawdust. She can hardly walk and is in excruciating pain all the time. This still is not "bad" enough for Arizona. They won't say so but basically if you're not peeing on yourself, or drooling and can still feed yourself then you're too healthy for them to accept you. She has Medicare right now. The places she can afford on her social security check are places I've never even considered placing her in. I've spent over 2 years trying to get help so she doesn't have to go to one of those places. But I'm becoming less and less able to do this. I've become so used to having the worst of me pointed out to me I now feel like a complete nobody. I'm not comfortable around people anymore, I can't stand thinking someone is looking at me, I want absolutely no attention from anyone (which is why I walk at night). Her house is just a replica of the one I grew up in, small, cluttered, ugly, because she's always been a hoarder. In order to not have to actually see my surroundings I keep my lights off all the time. When I do catch an unexpected glimpse of my surroundings I just sink so low emotionally. I cannot even believe I've ended up here, living with a mother I tried so hard to escape, in a house as depressing as the one I tried to escape, dealing with the manipulation and dysfunction I tried so hard to escape. I have no outside job, no home, no car, no help. This is an awful place to find yourself in at the age of 55. She holds it over my head that I live with HER, have no home of my own. I doubt I'll ever emotionally recover from these years in this house, dealing with all of this alone. Right before I moved in in 2014 my older brother died unexpectedly, then my older sister, who was everything to me, died. My father died, my brother-in-law died, and honestly my mother has died also. I've lost people in different ways - my husband walked out on me and our two kids, my dad died after a long illness, my brother died unexpectedly without being ill, my sister died after fighting diabetes for most of her life, I've had friends and relatives simply disappear as my situation became too depressing to handle, but this daily death of my mother, watching her die bit by bit, seeing her taken over by this cruel, nasty stranger, is probably the one I'll never recover from because this has caused the good parts of ME to die as well. Having your worst side come out every day for years is very damaging. I've not allowed myself to grieve ANYONE I've lost because I've always had more storms to battle right after each loss. I have to push back my grief to function and deal with everything, so I've not even let myself grieve the loss of my beautiful sister who was also my best friend. Once this with my mother is all over with I know all that grief that's just waiting for me will find and overwhelm me.

Dear "alpr323,"

I'm so sorry for EVERYTHING you've been through. You are most likely suffering from C-PTSD (due to multiple traumatic events in your life) as opposed to PTSD (a singular traumatic event). You are way in over your head with your emotional and psychological well being.

When I needed help knowing where to get started with my mom back in 2015, I was desperate as I had no other family to help me other than my husband. I started with a social worker at the Area of Aging Agency in downtown Phoenix. Once you get started with something, usually one resource leads to another .

You may also want to try contacting (or at least go to their website and check out their Programs - it has it's own tab to click on) Foundation for Senior Living 602-285-1800.

I sure hope you can get some help real soon as you can't continue to go on in this unhealthy manner.

You will be in my prayers - that God will lead you in the right direction!

P.S. You need your dog but, our Arizona Humane Society is wonderful and they may be able to help you. See if they can have a temporary foster home until you get this straightened out.

I had to get a Elder Lawyer and get guardianship, and if you put your mom in a Nursing Home, make sure everything is out of her name . She would have had to put everything in you name in the last 5 years, if she doesn’t own anything then you can get Medicaid, or they can also take her Medicare as well. My mother still had to much money in her account so I have to pay privately until her account is under $2000, then she can get on Medicaid , she signed her home over to me 10 yrs ago. Good Luck

When you're working the 4 to 5 jobs who stays with your mother who has dementia? Also, why are you paying her bills? Does she not have income of her own?
You are not obliged to be her caregiver. From what you're saying about how she treated you your entire life, why did you even consider moving back in with her to be her caregiver?
Questions aside, if you really want to get out of this situation which sounds like a horrendous misery, this is how.
Go to your town's probate court and petition the court to appoint a conservator over your mother. Explain to them that you refuse to continue as her caregiver because you're no longer able meet her needs and care for her properly. The court will then consider your petition and will appoint her a lawyer (which she will be billed for) that will represent her. If there are no family members available for them to appoint her conservator, it will fall to either a lawyer or social worker that the court chooses. What will happen next is the court-appointed conservator will take control of her finances (paying of bills and managing bank accounts), her assets (house, cars, etc...), and her health care decisions. She will very likely get removed from her home and put into a nursing facility. Whatever money or assets she has will go towards that expense and the conservator will also draw a salary from it. Then you will have to move out of the house (the court will appropriate an amount of time for you to do this. It will likely be 30 to 90 days), and it will be listed for sale.

Dear "alpr323,"

You are having trouble making decisions which is completely understandable because you are under severe stress, overwhelmed, depressed and exhausted. If you are not getting the proper rest and sleep, you cannot think clearly.

Also, please realize that so many of us even if our situations are varied have been in that same place so you are not alone in those feelings - not by a long shot. Sometimes knowing that others are experiencing the same type of feeling is helpful in and of itself. Thinking you're the only one feeling the way you do is very self isolating and it becomes a vicious cycle.

My suggestion is to write things down that need to be done in priority order and try to tackle them in small bites. Even if you could do just one thing tomorrow, that would be an accomplishment. When it comes to being motivated, we often think the motivation comes first and then act on it when actually, we need to do something first and then the motivation follows. Experts will say to set a time limit - maybe 1/2 an hour to an hour and do what you can within that time and many times you may feel like you can do another 1/2 an hour or more. It's the getting started that's the hard part.

The majority if not all of us are doing a juggling or balancing act and dropping the ball here and there. It happens and will continue to happen as we can't do everything at all times.

Try not to be so hard on yourself as you've become your own worst enemy - something you don't need to pile on yourself. Recognize your worth as a human being - there's only one "you."

Do take care -

When applying for LTC benefit on behalf of my dad-the company would not agree to help my dad for more than a year in spite of memory issue, falls, eval by doctor, medical records and some other things that did not count according to the company. It was only until he could not toilet himself, remember to take his meds, bathe himself, transfer etc these are ADL activities of daily living did the company finally agree to pay the benefit for home care. My sister definitely needs all levels of assistance with ADL besides feeding herself-she is in full on nursing care we did not have to qualify her to be accepted-into nursing care-it was obvious she was way beyond assisted care.

I am sorry you have experienced a life time of dysfunction. I have had similar and still expose myself to my mother as i do their bills because no one else will take care of this. Other possible family member would not be trustworthy. I have become numb to her insults, guilt trips, accusations. I do what i do and go home to my own house. Around here is a council on aging-maybe national level or thru your home state list of available agencies for senior care/solutions. Maybe you could find Legal Aid society that provides low cost or no cost consultations to get you started about legal options guardian etc. I agree with other post one good connection can lead to another and another. I agree with other post set a limit. You could get a lot of possible resources by looking on the internet-phone numbers etc. Maybe even call a local church they are sometimes connected with people within the community and church members who could/might help you get started brainstorm with you narrow the search for agencies/resources. Then start calling until you get to the right source the right person to get you on track to finding help for yourself first and then your mother. A little bit every day is progress towards getting what you need.

Since you really love your dog, who is helpless in that house, please take the advice of seeing if someone can keep him awhile. If he gets killed, it will hurt you so badly..... A lot of stress will leave when you feel he's safe.

The lawyer you contacted gave you the correct answer. Its up to you whether you follow through or not. I'm sorry to say it will not get better, and you'll feel it when you've reached the limit, and you'll have to do what the lawyer suggested. I'm sorry you're in this situation, I've been there, although with a more mild mannered parent. I don't think APS will be beneficial to you either in this situation. Best wishes.

This is a solutions focused post:

You will need to protect yourself and your pets from her, as your attorney advised:
when she does something insane, call an ambulance 911 to:
1. Baker Act her, which exists in every U.S. state;
the Baker Act allows for involuntary evaluation, (what some call emergency or involuntary commitment), which can be initiated by judges, law enforcement officials, emergency medical technicians.
Since she's a completely different person when her audience changes:
1(a). Record her, minimally record sound of her being crazy mean.
1(b). get nanny cams to grab hidden footage, to support your case (Amazon or lots of sites sell hidden cameras.

2. ER dump, You'll need to call an ambulance when she falls ...

3. Please place your dog into a veterinarian Kennel, to keep him safe from her abuse, or with a friend... your pup is an innocent target, that needs to be somewhere away from your mother.

4. For you-->In the meantime, please search online for Narcissistic Mother's abuse. You'll find many websites that will provide insight by those who have experienced similar lifelong abuse.
5. You're not alone, so many on this site have written about similar, if not equally as horrible experiences.
6. STAY SILENT ABOUT EVERYTHING; she will use what you say against you.
Be careful about everything, she is capable of doing things you cannot imagine, killing your dog, etc.
7. Understand that your ongoing C-PTSD mind isn't thinking logically, which psychologically shrinks your options, as you unknowingly resist escaping the situation. Her psychological ABUSE is truly NOT your fault. You're caught within an abuse cycle, that your mother has orchestrated for your entire life,

A psychologically abusive individual (your mother) knows exactly what she is doing, she has created and orchestrated an abuse cycle of hot cold moments;nice, mean, nice, mean.... which has trapped you within its grasp, by making its prisoner crave those intermittently bestowed few tiny kind glimpses of who the abusive person could might maybe be... if only you were different, but, it's NOT you who is the problem, it's 100% her.
9. With your new insight, you CAN escape.
10.Please stay in touch, we will be here, to provide your brain support.

One of the respondents put it the best when they wrote, "You are not obliged to be her caregiver. From what you're saying about how she treated you your entire life, why did you even consider moving back in with her to be her caregiver?"

You need to get OUT of the role of her caregiver immediately for your own mental health.

Many people have provided excellent advice below. So, why not follow it?

Call her Dr let him know that you have to move out of the home and ask him to prescribe for your mom to be admitted to be checked out mentally or see if he can fill out paperwork saying your mom needs to be in a home because she's not able to care for herself alone.

Her Insurance should pay.

Move out of the home and get your own place and call Senior Protective Service and tell them you need your mom evaluated that you don't think she should be staying by herself and sge has no one that will stay with her.

If the Dr thinks your mom is OK staying alone, then let her stay where she is or move her into an Apartment for Seniors Only, it's a lot less expensive and they have rides to get your groceries, ect.

You need to Move Out and get your own place.

If your mom doesn't want to move, let her stay where she is and just visit her once a week to bring groceries or have groceries delivered.

You are wonderful to attempt to care for your Mom and your sweet dog in spite of overwhelming obstacles. Try to find a friend or an agency to take care of your dog while you extricate yourself from this difficult situation; you will joyfully need him when this is over. I will try to do some research to see if I can locate any agencies in AZ.
For yourself .... get the heck out of your mother's space as soon as possible.... she is toxic and your owe it to yourself, your children and yes, your dog to survive to live your life and care and love them!

Pack your stuff and move out. Don't give Mom a number where you can be reached. You can call APS after you leave to tell them you had to move for your own health reasons but it's likely that Mom is a danger to herself if alone.
Or
Next time she falls and goes to ER... don't take her home (to her home or yours!!), pack and leave immediately (if you haven't already). Go to a friend's home or your kids or rent a weekly hotel room until you find your own place. If the hospital gets your number and calls you tell them you don't live with your Mom anymore and have no suggestions as to where they should discharge her. Believe me .... they will find a place for her to be discharged.

I know you want the best for your Mom because you are a dutiful daughter regardless of her treatment but you have done your best for years. If you are spiritual, it is time to let go and let God take over. He will put her where he thinks she belongs at this time of her life. God Bless you. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

If she has no nursing home insurance, and if she is not on Medicaid, you have to get her Medicaid ready which includes look-back laws. That requires an eldercare attorney. Once you have the financial matters done, all it takes is a doctor's order.

Yes it will get worse, and eventually she may start wandering and will require 24/7 care.

im so sorry you’re dealing with this. We had to hire an elder care attorney to help us navigate Medicaid. It’s been a life savor. I know it can be pricy but we are also at the end of our rope!!

alpr, I hope you are still coming here and reading. Please lean on us for support. You are not alone.

Screennamed said it very well:
"7. Understand that your ongoing C-PTSD mind isn't thinking logically, which psychologically shrinks your options, as you unknowingly resist escaping the situation. Her psychological ABUSE is truly NOT your fault. You're caught within an abuse cycle, that your mother has orchestrated for your entire life,"

I want to reinforce that none of this is your fault. You have gone above and beyond for someone who didn't deserve the time of day. You seem to recognize the need for healing and therapy, but that it is something to be done later. Please don't put it off. Your healing needs to start now, because YOU matter and your well being matters, right now!

Right this minute, YOU become the priority, not your mother. Keep your dog with you and stay out of your mom's way. Don't answer her demands. This will surely prompt her to create a crisis hoping to snap you back into obedience, and that is when you call 911 and have her taken to the ER.

It's time to end this nightmare for you, and what happens to her is her problem.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this situation with your mother. I have been and going through similar situation only I did not live with her. I would never be able to that.

We have similar behaviors from our mothers. (lifetime of abuse, calls me nasty names, never have heard sorry or thank you, demands of me, abused me my entire childhood)
I have also lost my dad and 2 siblings and I have a sister that is estranged from my mother and “only wants to hear about her when she has passed”

I enrolled her in PACE program.
she now has a NP, SW and other Services available. It is so so helpful.
Not sure if they are only in certain states or not? Also, I found and AL that only charges the amount she receives monthly from SS. Her SS income is her only asset.

I go to therapy (learned I do not have to do this for my mother, I owe her nothing, and how to take care of me)
ex: self help
Walks/reading/baths/friends/time with my own family
i also started a anti depressant (lowest dose) helps me tremendously with sleep and anxiety.
pls talk to your doctor.
And, follow advice of above: call 911 and have her taken out of the house.
The hospital will have a case manager find a suitable living situation for her upon discharge. You must be clear and upfront that you cannot take her home.
They will find her a much needed Medicaid bed.
Good luck!

i feel your pain and wish you well. It’s a process but needs to be done so you can get on with your own life!
we only get 1 life so make the most of it. She has lived her life now it’s time for you to live yours.

alpr323 First and most -Prayers and hugs coming you way. You have been an outstandingly wonderful daughter. Now that being said follow the advise of the many supporters who's answers are wonderful. You can do this. Having been a caregiver to my Mom (and yours makes her look like a saint), this is a job that is not only hard, but so often not even remotely appreciated.

When an elder parent chooses when and who to dump all their anger on, that person (too often the daughter, though not always) we fall for the trap thinking we owe this abuser something. Well, you don't - at least not that. We can give them all the help they need, but getting them placed in a home to take care of them. For me placing Mother in Assisted Living was the answer, she believed she had to be a "good" person for them, even though to me she continued to be the abuser. But now I was free to say, "love you Ma, but I have an appointment I must keep." Then leave. Brothers thought to the day she passed she was a sweet loving mother (to them she was).

Using the ER as a "dump" is what you need to understand and then do. When all is said and done --- then find a therapist who deals with this kind of absue and take as long as you need to find yourself again. A phrase I learned a long time ago has helped me - "I love my Mother, I just don't like her at all".

Good Luck, God Bless and Stay strong!

Hugs and prayers for you and mom. You can't continue on this path. If every place fails you then the ER dump seems the only way to get someones attention. I have heard of this but have no idea how it works. Seek an eldercare attorney advise and assistance.

I'm so sorry you are enduring such behavior from your mother. I had similar but not near as bad, years ago in my 20's.
First, having gone through this with my husband, the best way to begin is to take Mom to primary care doctor, get him/her to order cognitive tests, get doctor(s) to write letter as to her condition, not to make financial decisions, get elder lawyer, and submit papers again. When I needed to discuss my husband's mental condition, I went to the doctor with him, and I listed every thing he did and said on paper, that made me think he had memory loss. Must have medical decisions on paper, can't just put Mom away, without these papers. If she owns a house, get it sold, with proceeds towards her care. If house is yours, make sure paperwork is in order. To get her to a doctor, say it is for your appointment, hand the doctor your list of thing Mom says, done, and go from there. My husband had 2 or 3 cognitive tests ordered by neurologist. Results of tests helped me know how serious his condition was, and that I needed to make changes in the way we handled financial decisions (he couldn't, by letter from doctor). And, to look for a place for him. You deserve to have a life free of fear, angst, terror from Mom, and begin to smell the roses. Take care of yourself first.

Consider joining the Alzheimer's/Dementia Caregiver's Support Group on Facebook. It will give you a safe place to vent your frustrations.

Right NOW you have to place her in a home that will take her. Don’t wait another moment! It will be the very best for both of you. The main thing now is to find a location that she qualifies for. Wishing you the very best.

The state manages the Medicaid and financial piece of her eligibility to be in a facility - how much she would pay, if she is eligible for Medicaid (they pay all or part of the facility). The medical diagnosis should be coming from her doctor indicating her need for placement in a facility. There should be records from the doctor. If state is denying her BASED on the doctors reports, you may need another doctor to document for you because clearly the one you have is not listening to you as to the things she is doing. Start with the doctor. Find out what it is he is sending them in regard to her mental condition. Make sure you repeat the words to him - she is a danger to others and herself at this point - and the conversations with dead people. If you get no help from her doctor, run as fast as you can to another one. Aim for a geriatric doctor if you can.

It could be useful to start videoing some of her behaviors. Anger, packing clothes to go home, things that show how she really is at home.

Now, on the other hand if she is being denied state assistance because of her income, it means she may have enough to be self pay. As a note, the Medicaid beds for those with little to no income are not always the most run down places. If she is over income for Medicaid, then you take what you can get for what she can afford. Older facility can still be a nice clean facility. If you get a doctor to help you with documentation, a hospital social worker can help find a facility and facility will help with the application for Medicaid and/or self pay figures.

Another alternative is next time she packs her back to go home, call EMS and tell them she has dementia - you cannot physically keep her in the house this time - you are afraid for her safety and your own. Ask for transport to the hospital where you can get other help for placement. You can explain to the attending doctor the dangerous situations she's putting herself in, the dog issue, dead people, etc and be very clear that you can no longer contain her to the house. Physically trying to restrain her is going to result in one of you getting hurt. Let dr and social worker know you have no help, done it as long as you can, and her needs are much greater than you can handle anymore because of the safety issues for her, you, and the dog. Going to a facility FROM a hospital is always much easier than going from home to facility.

Why did you have to take on all expenses except rent? How did she pay them before you got there? You are not responsible for her debt - the bills are in her name and if they go to collections, it would be her name on them.

Clearly this is beyond what you can do any longer. Do what you have to to get her to a doctor who can do an appropriate eval or to a hospital as emergency admit. Sincerely hope you get her moved.

I totally understand bc I have a very similar situation. Being the only child, no one to help or even talk to. This is bigger than me. I pray that God saves her soul and takes her quickly.

I don’t know if this is the right place to ask this question or under this particular question that’s been asked. I ask a question once for my situation and I received one reply-it’s not verbatim but was something to this effect:

“I don’t think you will find any help on this site. This site is for those providing care for the elderly, and we don’t enter into the disabled realm.”

We (my adult daughter who is now permanently disabled-a passenger in a fatal car wreck. She acquired a severe DAI TBI & many secondary injuries related & unrelated to wreck. My child is the mom to 4 young children, who love their mom. She was divorced like myself, when this happened. As far as caregiving goes, I’m my daughters only physical help she must have 24/7).

I didn’t reply to the only answer I received because of what it insinuates, I was on the wrong forum. But I do read the questions and reply’s when time allows & put the other in a folder I created on my phone so I could read questions/replies @ some point.

I really didn’t have the time to read this question but I just wanted to see the replies as I could resonate with some of the issues, but the difference is my daughter can’t help or control her behavior because of the brain damage.

She was taking meds that we’re working to control all of this, but the state we live in now would rather see my child suffer in pain & agony at the age of 38 than prescribed the meds that were working to control everything & left her cognitive to rehabilitate, made it easier (a lot easier) to care for my adult daughter at home where she belongs. This way I know she’s living in a safe, loving, caring environment, & not being abused /neglected, over medicated, physically attacked, & so much more if left in a NH.

I have owned & worn that shirt for too long, as I went completely destitute financially trying to keep my child at home the first 2 years after her discharge from the rehab center.

I was left w/out a choice but to place her in a skilled nursing facility (5 stars-FYI: the star rating means nothing plz. remember this to anyone who reads this, & Medicaid paid for this in full). I was blessed to get my child out of these hell on Earth facilities & back home.
But it was to little, too late. They destroyed whatever she had left in her original fast burner rehabilitation, & the will/want to get better, & has taken me forever to get her partially back. But it is never going to happen without the proper medical intervention that is available to her via Medicaid, but she’s not receiving it, or the meds. They would rather keep her brain scrambled & leave her crushed right knee without anything to give to her but Tylenol. I’m sick to my stomach about this move I made on my daughters behalf for a myriad of reasons.

I was given so much erroneous information prior to moving to FL from GA as I researched thoroughly prior to moving us. I could have chosen anywhere to move, but the info I received was like the phrase you always hear... “if it sounds too good to be true, it is.” Believe me, it’s the truest statement ever.

My question: what is C-PTSD?

In both states, elderly & disabled adult were the same entity, & was confused when I recd the reply I did.

My reply to ?-getting mom placed.
I know you aren’t trying to get retaliation for what happened & how you grew up by any means. There’s no way that’s a thought you have. What you’ve been doing for your mom w/out help.

However; I have to let you know or I would have more issues in my head than I have now, if I don’t speak up Re: the prolific problem that happens at every nursing home & in your own home if you don’t keep a watchful eye.
Mom will get everything she did to you & others quad triple fold when she’s placed.
Don’t take what I said lightly. It’s a fact & no one cares about it happening. I don’t know why the individuals & state/federal agencies who are hired to protect these individuals in the care of others exist. THATS TAX $$ WASTED-

This is too much for one person to do. Try to get connected with a social worker or hospice worker that can help you understand your options and navigate the bureacracy. There are programs that pay family caregivers. Also public programs that will provide aides to come in a few times a week to help while you work things out. Do you have all of the paperwork in place for your mother: Power of Attorney for medical and financial decisions, living will, will (if she has assets), and banks often have their own POA forms. It may be too late if you don't, but then you may need to apply for guardianship of your mother. You may need an attorney to help you with this. What does her doctor say? Does he think her dementia is so advanced that she needs constant care? Try to get her doctor to support placing her in a home. Don't expect much from a person who has dementia. They have good and bad days, but think of it as always having a bad day when their memory is going and their mind isn't working the way it should. You just have to accept her as she is and try to do your best to be the kind of person you want to be. Even if you place her in a facility, you'll still look out for her best interests.

It would help to know what State you are living in now with her. It's sounds like you are trying to get her on Medicaid to pay for the skilled nursing home care. A individual has to meet a financial and medical criteria in order to qualify for Medicaid. The financial criteria is based off her assets, not income. The medical criteria is based off a point system. In Missouri in order to qualify for Medicaid the individual has to meet a 24 point criteria. The individual is given points according to how much help they need. An individual with significant dementia would have NO problem meeting the medical criteria.

Once someone is on Medicaid the individual can go to any skilled nursing home who accepts Medicaid. In Missouri the majority of skilled communities have some Medicaid, it can vary greatly from only a few Medicaid Certified beds to some homes who are 100% Medicaid Certified.

If you continue to have problems qualifying her for Medicaid I would recommend you contact an Elder Law Attorney to do the application for you. Your mom could pay the cost of the attorney by using her money and that would help spend down any assets to qualify for Medicaid.

I wish I could reach out to you individually to help you through this process! You could call your local Long-term Care Ombudsman Program to get recommendations for Elder Law Attorneys in your area or go online to the the National Association of Elder Law Attorneys (NELA) to find one in your area.

I wish you the best and let us know how things go!