My parents moved in with me last year. I work full time but they expect 3 me to cook fresh meals every day. MY mother tries to help, but she is not doing well herself. The problem is my dad expects to be waited on constantly. He is not very mobile right now but he has been conditioned to be waited on all his life by my mom. When we were younger and at home we were expected to do so as well. My mom is still trying to do it, but not able to. I tell him to help himself, but he claims that he cannot do it as he is old and has mobility issues from extreme arthritis.
This is really driving me crazy and I am just barely hanging on.
Clearly, this situation is not working. Caregiving has to work for all parties.
What are your parents' resources? Is moving to a nice facility an option? Hiring aides?
Your dad is not going to be happy. Forget trying to placate or please him. The world has moved on from the expectation that women were put on earth to serve men.
You are a salaried professional; he and your mom are going to need to pay for their care.
My deceased husbands father was waited on hand and foot by the women in his family, we were at a dinner in their home. I was helping to clean up the table walked by FIL, he stops me and says "You are the only DIL who hasn't served me today, get me a glass of milk"!
Right, I'll be doing that, NOT, I just kept walking.
The only way out at this point is to place them both, they can still live a lot longer, trust me I know...my mother is 98, will be 99 in February a mere 5 months from now. She is in AL and loves it!
"I am a working professional and I immigrated to this country 25 years ago My parents have moved here with me..."
I totally understand the "old country" cultural expectation thing. There isn't going to be any smooth way to deal with it except to tell your parents you are overwhelmed and that you need help, and they have to pay for it.
First and foremost: are you their PoA? If not, this needs to be a condition upon which you continue with the current arrangement. You won't be able to easily get them transitioned out of your home without the legal ability to do so. Please let us know if you are their PoA because this will dictate what advice you are given.
Still, you can start with hiring out housekeeping, yardwork, and maybe a companion aid to keep them busy. My 2 Italian-American Aunties (who took care of my Gramma until she passed at age 96) were dead-set against anyone (strangers!) coming into their home to help them. I explained the help was for me. Through some effort I found an awesome companion through an agency who stayed with them for 6 years and they adored her.
My Grandma lived in the US from her teenage years on but hardly spoke any English. Hoping your parents have a working knowledge of English, otherwise this will be another speedbump in releasing you as their caregiver.
Also hoping they have the financial resources to fund more help. This info will be helpful too in what advice is given.
Please provide more info.
My Mom did everything for my Dad which included drawing his bathwater. He went on disability in his early 50s. They were in their 70s when Dad asked Mom to do something for him (perfectly capable of doing it himself). She told him "You have been retired for 25 yrs, when can I retire" Dad said "never". Not sure if he was serious or just pushing her buttonsv but she blew up.
Being old fashioned is different than being demanding, sounds like this goes way back. He’s not going to change, you’ll need to make other arrangements for him. I bet he does a lot better interacting with strangers he can’t order around. Good luck 💜
Why have you gone back to being a dutiful slave daughter, after 25 years in the USA? Didn’t you emigrate for better opportunities NOT to be that?
We regularly have posters who are angry to find that their parent/s’ retirement plan is THEM. Their house, their time, their privacy and their money. They want a bit of support not to fall into the trap. Why should you fall, just because your parents expect it?
You would know if your father’s arthritis was crippling. It’s not. Most of us have a bit as we age, and we manage it with good habits plus appropriate pain killers. It’s no excuse for him not pulling his weight in looking after himself, his wife and your house they are sharing.
Your concern for your mother needs questioning. She is willing for you to do everything to avoid a MAN doing it. It’s not on, mother. And hiring a woman to do the jobs, to avoid a MAN having to do them, is more or less fine if it’s their money, but not with yours.
Why did father retire at 59? Some European countries have a retirement age of 60. I have sympathy with manual laborers whose bodies wear out, but it’s ruinous when applied across the board, backed up by a generous pension and provided to an inflated public service. It helped to ruin the Greek economy, which nearly shackled the EU. An alternative to retirement is that he was sacked, and wasn’t willing to look for another job. And in either case the line would have been ‘We are going to live with my daughter (in the land of milk and honey) (when we’ve spent our money)’. How old is he now? Many people in their sixties and early seventies are working. Perhaps he could get a part time job as a carer, even? Why not?
Regular advice is to read the book ‘Boundaries’. It could help you, and even get the message across to your mother and father. One boundary is that you do everything for yourself that you can.
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