How to find help for a family caregiver?
Hi All,
I posted recently that I was concerned for my mother's health. She is my grandfather's caregiver and receives very little to no help from her four siblings. My grandfather is blind and requires assistance to complete daily living tasks (bathing, eating, using the restroom, etc.). Tonight, I got a call from my mother who was crying very hard and was terribly upset. The family is against her boyfriend of three years and they use him as an excuse as to why they don't want to come over and help. My mom's brother had a heart attack a week after their father got home and his wife said she would punch my mother in her face if he had another heart attack because it would be her fault. Her brother said that my mother was being selfish for wanting to leave 'all the time' and he said that when grandpa moved home, she was the one who said she would care for him. I could go on with details and if you need more, I can provide them... however, I want to know what I can do for my mom. We talk every day, multiple times a day and I let her vent. I go over and sit with grandpa when I can and my husband is great at understanding this. However, I am very, very concerned about my mother's emotional and physical health. Her family situation is very toxic for her health and I'm worried about what measures she may take to 'get out' of her situation. I have asked her what I can do for her but all she says is 'nothing'. Can I be the one to call the Area Office on Aging to see what resources are out there? Do any of you know or have experience in this situation as to what I can do or where I can go to get help for her. Has anyone had any help from support groups? Also - if anyone else has been in my shoes as a daughter of a caregiver, I would appreciate any and all advice. I don't know what to say or do for her anymore. I know this situation is a little different from everyone else's on here, but I'm so lost. I want to help my mother get through this but I don't know to handle the situation or even the right words to say and the right things to do. I really appreciate all of the advice from you.
Almost three decades ago, my late mother was caregiver for her mother. My mother was the eldest of ten children and she was the only one to try. And yes, she got all kinds of crazy responses from her siblings. The best we could do with that was to tune them out and not expect much help. Finally, after a long, grueling time of caring for my grandmother, Mom's sickly brother and his wife and children decided they would move in to be the caregivers. It was one of those deals where he was one of the pet children so all was grand and 3 months later Gram passed, they were the heroes, all inheritance and the house went to them, and no thanks to Mom.
Why am I relating this to you? Just to say, from the way your mother's sibling(s) and families are already reacting, I don't foresee their aiding you much in the future. I hope I'm wrong.
I might even suggest checking with a lawyer if financially possible to make certain of your legal status. I also hope your grandfather has a will and living will. In the event that he would have to go to a nursing facility, this would probably have to be in place. The other thing you probably should check into is having a Power of Attorney drawn up if your mother insists on being the caregiver.
Anyhow, I learned from my late mother's trials and, when Mom developed Alzheimers, I went for every Social Service I could find. I have to say that our Office of Aging here in eastern Pennsylvania has been amazing. They have helped set up and defray costs for visiting nurse visits, social worker visits to assess the patient's physical and emotional needs, COUNSELING for me (huge help as stated above), and just the knowledge that I was not totally alone in this sad and demanding time. They also helped us get a Life Alert type of equipment without charge.
But, don't wait. Get your grandfather on the Office of Aging list right away because there often is a waiting list.
Another huge help was our health care provided who provided us with a go-between person to contact. She would help keep track of all health issues and meds and would be there when we went to the doctor, sort of an advocate although she actually worked with our Medical Clinic.
We also found a wonderful pharmacy who was helpful. It may not seem like much, but they made life at least a little bit easier by automatically checking and renewing Mom's meds and even delivering them ($1.50 charge per week) in special blister packs so that she would get the correct medicine at the correct time, without having bottles all over the place and trying to remember if and when pills were taken. It was just one less thing to remember.
If you can, find any relevant cards needed for you Grandfather. Social Security, Medicaide/Insurance cards, drivers license for i.d. even if out of date, a card from his doctor's office with the doctor's name and phone number, anything you might need when you go to a doctor, social worker, hospital, whatever -- put these on one page if possible and make several copies. Keep one with you at all times. Now when there is an emergency or just an appointment, all you have to do is hand it over. I have large envelopes for each of my family members with that info and anything else I might need and it sure saves a headache for not having to look for things. I also took the labels off pill bottles and laid them on the copier to create a page of current meds for each of us.
My father had strokes after Mother passed and now has vascular dementia and I have Office of Aging and Social Services involved. And now my husband has just been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's and I am calling Office of Aging to get him enrolled, even though he isn't eligible for services for 6 more months. But at least he will be in the system.
I hope you will be able to get some help from some of the places we have mentioned.
Good luck, Irish, and prayers. Love you.
Good luck to you all. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
The VA aid and assistance for veterans is excellent, Cleverdish gave some tips for getting that done. Talk to a lawyer about a trust with all your grandfather's assets & home in a family trust and your mother as trustee. The trust, if it's done right, is not considered assets or income by the VA.
I, too, wanted to keep my loved ones home as long as possible, but sometimes you just can't do it. And you may even find later that this is also the best solution for your grandfather and he will be happier and healthier. But I understand. It's so hard.